27 | Losing Myself
S A R A H
It's nearly midnight. The house is quiet, save for the soft hum of the refrigerator and the rustling of my phone in my hands. I scroll mindlessly through Instagram, not really paying attention to the posts, but more to the emptiness that's settled in the pit of my stomach.
A feeling that has lingered ever since I left Noah's world. I can still feel the weight of his touch, the fire in his kiss, but I push those thoughts away.
I'm alone now.
Nayla had to leave. She said she was visiting her uncle in the hospital, something urgent. I told her to go, of course. She needs to be there for her family, but the silence left in her absence feels louder than ever.
I hear the clock tick in the hallway, each second dragging on.
I'm lost in my thoughts when a knock at the door pulls me from my trance. I freeze, uncertain. It's so late... who could be visiting?
Maybe it's Ryan, coming to check on me, or maybe it's just a mistake. I don't even think to look through the peephole before opening it.
But when I swing the door open, my heart skips a beat.
Standing there in the dim light is Noah. His eyes are wild, frantic. He's wearing a black hoodie, his face hidden beneath a cap. His breath is shallow, like he's just run miles to get here.
He doesn't even say a word.
Before I can speak, before I can even process what's happening, he pulls me toward him. His lips crash against mine with a force that sends a shiver down my spine.
I'm so caught off guard, my body instinctively tenses, but something about the urgency in his touch makes my heart race.
His kiss isn't gentle, it's desperate. Like he's trying to consume me, trying to make sure I'm really here.
When he pulls back, his hands are still on my arms, his touch warm and shaky. His eyes are wide, searching mine like he's trying to find something in them, something that will ease the panic in his chest.
"I had a nightmare," he whispers, voice trembling. "I... I saw you, Sarah. You were... you were getting killed by Ryza's men."
His words hit me like a punch. I hadn't realized how much I was holding back, how much fear was bubbling beneath the surface until I see the raw panic in his eyes.
I place my hands on his chest, feeling the rapid beat of his heart beneath my fingertips.
"Noah..." I say softly, my voice shaky. "It's okay. It's just a nightmare. You don't need to worry."
But before I can say more, he pulls me closer again, his lips capturing mine in another kiss, this time even more intense. I can feel his desperation, his need for comfort, for reassurance.
His hands slide to my waist, pulling me against him, his body flush against mine. The world outside fades away as I lose myself in the heat of the moment.
His kiss is a mixture of urgency and tenderness, as if he's trying to make up for every second of fear he's just experienced.
I don't pull away. I can't.
His hands move from my waist to the back of my neck, pulling me into him even more, if that's even possible. I gasp into his mouth as he pins me against the door frame, his body caging me in.
He groans softly as our lips meet again, more desperately now, his hands moving down to my hips, pulling me closer. I can feel the heat radiating from him, his body trembling against mine.
A fire ignites inside me, one that I didn't know I was capable of feeling. The kiss becomes more heated, more desperate, as if we're both trying to find something in each other, to escape whatever nightmare or fear is haunting us both.
I let him guide me, his lips moving against mine with an intensity that leaves me breathless.
My hands find their way to his chest, feeling the rise and fall of his breath, the tension in his muscles. He feels solid under my touch, yet I can feel how fragile he is right now, how much he's holding on to me.
His lips move from my lips to my jaw, then down my neck, his breath hot against my skin. I close my eyes, my heart racing, my body responding to his touch in ways I can't explain.
Stop him, Sarah. He is dangerous.
Even as I crave more, I can't ignore the flood of emotions that come rushing in. This isn't just passion.
Something I don't know if I'm ready to fully acknowledge. But with him, it feels impossible to resist.
He pulls back just enough to look at me, his gaze burning with intensity. "I can't lose you, Sarah," he breathes. "I just can't."
I meet his gaze, my chest tight with emotions I'm not sure how to handle. "You won't lose me," I whisper, my voice barely above a breath.
He kisses me again, slower this time, as if savoring the moment, as if he's memorizing the feel of me in his arms. I want it to stop.
I want to pull away.
A part of me is still scared. Scared of how much I'm falling for him, scared of how much he means to me in a world that's so uncertain.
When he finally pulls away, I'm breathless, my body tingling from head to toe. His forehead rests against mine, our breaths mingling in the space between us.
"I don't want to leave," he whispers, his voice thick with emotion.
I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself, my heart still pounding in my chest. "You don't have to go, Noah. But... we can't keep doing this, not when everything is so complicated. We need to figure this out."
He nods, his eyes still filled with something I can't quite place. "I know," he says softly. "But I need you, Sarah. I can't pretend like I don't."
Neither can I. But I don't know how to make sense of this,of what we're becoming, of what's happening between us.
And in that moment, I realize I'm no longer scared of the unknown. Not when I have him by my side.
I freeze as he closes the door behind him, my heart racing in my chest. I look up at Noah, his eyes filled with uncertainty. He looks at me like he's about to say something, but he doesn't.
Instead, his voice breaks through the quiet, raw with emotion. "Tell me the truth, Sarah."
His words hang in the air, heavy and pleading. "If you really hate me, if everything that happened means nothing to you, then I'll leave. I'll go."
I swallow hard, the pain in his voice hitting me like a punch to the gut. I want to scream, to deny it, to say that I don't want him to leave, but the words feel stuck.
I can't speak, can't move, because a part of me is terrified. Terrified of what admitting the truth would mean. Terrified of how much I've let myself feel.
But Noah doesn't wait for me to speak. He steps closer, his breath ragged, his eyes searching mine like he's looking for the answer to some impossible question.
"Please," he says, voice softer now, "I just need to know. Just tell me how you feel."
I want to tell him everything. I want to say that I don't hate him, that I'm scared, that everything I feel for him is so much bigger than I can even begin to understand. But my chest is tight, my throat is closing up. I can't find the words.
But then, his voice breaks through my confusion again. "You don't have to be scared. Just tell me how you really feel. Please."
I meet his gaze, seeing the the rawness in his eyes, and something in me snaps. I take a shaky breath, and finally, the words come out, quiet and uncertain.
"I don't hate you, Noah. I don't know what I feel, but I feel something for you too."
The air around us shifts. It's like the weight that's been pressing on me for so long lifts.
I don't know what this is, what any of this means but I know that I don't want him to leave. I can't bear the thought of him walking away from me.
Before I can say anything more, Noah is there, his lips finding mine once again, urgent and desperate, as if he can't stand the distance between us for another second.
His kiss is slower, more tender, but still filled with that same intensity that's been building ever since he walked into my life.
I don't pull away. I don't want to. I kiss him back, just as fiercely, just as desperately. My hands find his shoulders, my fingers gripping the fabric of his shirt as if I need something to anchor me to this moment, to him.
The kiss deepens, and I can feel the heat rising between us, the way our bodies seem to fit together like they were always meant to.
When we finally pull apart, I'm dazed, my mind spinning from everything that just happened. I don't know how long we stand there, just holding each other, letting the silence speak for us.
Noah's voice is low, almost a whisper as he speaks again. "I don't want to leave you, Sarah."
My heart flips in my chest. His words feel like a promise, something real, something that I don't want to let go of. I don't have the strength to argue, to push him away.
Because in that moment, I know I don't want him to go, either.
Instead, I nod, my voice barely audible. "Me neither."
And in that moment, I realize that we're not just two people caught in a moment of weakness. We're something more. Something real. Something that's not going to disappear, no matter how much we try to fight it.
I don't know what happens next. But I know that for the first time in a long while, I don't feel scared. Not with him.
Not anymore.
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