Many uncertainties and fears arise within him. All at once. Just from the mere sound of that voice. That familiar voice.

Jeongguk had his reasonings for not wanting Park Minseok, leader of Namida, to arrive at this timing. To be precise, at this timing when Taehyung was here alive and well despite the many years he'd been mourned. Needless to say their reunion earlier had been rushed. Unexpected. The boy had barely had any time to process it all and yet there he was, pondering over which course of action to take.

"Now, what the fuck is the meaning of this?"

Minseok's voice pushes in a firm boom. His eyes were settled directly over Jeongguk, not quite bothering to pay mind to anyone else, though there was a brief moment when he had let his eyes scan the other men in front of him. Now, he was leaned back in a casual posture, hands slipping to his trouser pockets.

"You're here at our BST bar and yet you don't bother to let me know you were coming. A little text would've been nice."

Jeongguk's teeth dig into his bottom lip. He glances at Taehyung once, then looks back at the tall gang leader. "Uhm.. W-What do you mean, I didn't even think you'd stop by today."

Minseok scoffs cheekily, then signals towards Taehyung with his head. "And who's this guy you brought with you? You tryna replace me?"

Jeongguk refrains himself from rolling his eyes, and before he could open his mouth to give a response Taehyung—or rather, X, cut in abruptly.

"Nice to meet you, sir. I'm Kim Jaeho from the Chi gang, Namida's brother gang." He lowered his head in a bow. "I arrived in Seoul just recently, and the Namida men I've met so far have all been intelligent. You must be the leader, Park Minseok. I'm so glad I finally get to meet you."

"Ah.." Minseok hums softly, observing while the man raised his head again. "You're from the Chi gang. That's great, you guys are starting to gather in Seoul, huh? Feel free to book a room here if you need a place to stay. It's on us."

Taehyung nods. "That's kind of you, sir. Thanks."

Jeongguk watches the two, mouth gaping open as the two men continued a steady flow of light conversation. His brows furrow slightly, lips purse a little. And the more time went on the more he realized... that Minseok really didn't seem to recognize Taehyung one bit.

But even that, was too good to be true. If Minseok didn't recognize that the man he was speaking to now was a former Bangtan captain, and the motivation behind everything Jeongguk has ever worked for—that was truly the best case scenario.

Jeongguk's eyes slowly widen in sparkles of relief. It seemed he had nothing to worry about, at least for now. Taehyung's lighter brown-blond hair, the pushed back hairstyle, and the fact it's been five years... It shouldn't have been a surprise that Minseok wouldn't have recognized him. Not to mention Jeongguk had heard that the two captains-at-the-time had only really met face to face once before.

And it also helped that X is fronting now, so his demeanor is completely different from the other four alters five years ago.

With a low sigh Jeongguk's tense muscles find means to relax themselves, the pads of his fingers rubbing at his forehead.

"Now if you'd excuse me a moment, may I have a quick word with you, Jeongguk?" Minseok clears his throat and pats at the younger's shoulder, causing him to look in his direction. "Come with me."

Jeongguk huffs out a breath while the gang leader then grabs his arm and begins to tug him down the narrow hall at the other side of the room. But of course, the boy doesn't comply without a complaint.

"Hey, where do you think you're taking me?" He whines out, his feet dragging along the carpeted flooring. Jeongguk peers at the back of the man's head while he hears a response.

"There's something I must discuss with you urgently."

The two then arrive at the connected lounging room, where vending machines lined the fancy walls, a billiards pool table lay situated at the center of the room, alongside resting benches and some small arcade machines. Minseok leads them to the corner of the room, where he presses Jeongguk against the wall and places a hand up beside his head, trapping him there in his spot.

"What-.. What's so important that you have to talk about this now?" Jeongguk blinks up at him, a slightly annoyed expression visible upon his weary face. "Can't it wait?"

Minseok calmly gazes back at him. A hint of a smirk remains at his lips while he reaches his free hand to cup the younger's cheek. "No. I'm afraid it can't wait any longer."

The man's face nears his, and Jeongguk's eyes naturally close while the two's lips suddenly collide. The sound of a muffled breath rises in the air. Jeongguk's head tilts back, bumping against the wall behind him. The moment drags on a bit longer as Minseok claims Jeongguk's mouth with his tongue, and then the younger's head falls to the side, simultaneously disconnecting their lips.

His eyes gradually open, settling their sight on the rug beneath them. "Don't tell me that was the urgent matter.." He scoffs lightly, earning an amused chuckle from the older, his thumb wiping saliva from Jeongguk's bottom lip.

"Well to be honest I'd like to take you upstairs and do a lot more.." Minseok's grin widens. "But you've got a sour look on your face, and although it's cute something tells me you won't be compliant with that idea right now."

Jeongguk places both hands on Minseok's chest and lightly pushes him back. "Don't."

Minseok takes a step back from the push, only to draw closer again. "Sheesh, you say you won't move in with me, and now you can't step away for a few little kisses?"

A low scoff. Jeongguk looks up at him in a glare, a clear frown that was meant to read as intimidating only came across as adorable in the other male's eyes. "I told you not to cross the line.." The younger says in a quiet breath. "You're getting way too attached when you know all the shit I'm trying to achieve. I told you I won't break focus from that. I won't."

"Oookay cutie, relax." Minseok raises his hands up in defense. "Didn't mean to call out your feisty side. I just think you'd benefit with someone who can make you forget all that baggage you're carrying with you. That boyfriend of yours back at home certainly isn't going to achieve that for you. You know that, right? Or are you perhaps planning on marrying him? I know he'll ask you that shit any day now, and it won't be on me when you're stuck living every day at his side."

Jeongguk's hand curls into a fist before stretching back out. And his response leaves him in almost a whisper.

"I... know what I'm doing."

Except every year, around this time, was usually when Jeongguk begins to question if that was really the case. Did he really know what he was doing?

It was so easy to feign confidence before. To draw forward an attitude that accepted no failure. To focus. But Taehyung's 'death' anniversary had always weakened him emotionally. Had always made him feel things he wished he couldn't feel. He was constantly reminded of his fears, his losses, his weaknesses. Like grains of sand dissipating in the night ocean, getting swallowed by waves in low tide and scattered into places that disoriented him from his goals. Jeongguk began to feel less and less like himself within each passing year.

And for a moment—just a moment, he felt his old self return when he'd looked into Taehyung's eyes just earlier today.

For a moment he was the Jeon Jeongguk of five years ago, who was helplessly caring and who loved deeply without hesitation. Taehyung made him feel like himself again. Reminded him who he was. What he desired in life, and what his ambitions were. He had never strayed before, until the day he lost his lover.

Except now he knows Taehyung is alive. And yet it's because he's alive that Jeongguk finds himself wavering again. Wavering between his old and new self—his old and new goals.

What is it that I'm trying to achieve..?

Once again the words hover above him, haunting him with their inquiries and provocations. What he wanted in the past, and what he wants now for the future... The two contradictions render him at a stalemate.

'I know what I'm doing.'

He could no longer look at Minseok and say the words with fearless confidence.

"Do you?" Minseok's voice cuts in, as though he had read his mind in the split of a moment. "Know what you're doing, I mean." And those words... that question was the one thing Jeongguk wished the man wouldn't have been dense enough to utter.

Jeongguk lightly pushes the man's shoulder again, causing Minseok to step back once more, and once he walks away from the man's hold on him Jeongguk stops in his tracks, eyes fixating toward the person he found was stood at the room's entrance.

"Tae—.." He clears his throat, "-ho... Jaeho.. Uhm, hey."

"My apologies," Taehyung bows his head. "I didn't mean to interrupt, I... didn't know you two came in here for your talk."

Jeongguk shakes his head, then watches while Minseok walks off toward the center of the room.

"You came by for a snack, hm, newbie?" He hums, striding toward the pool table. "Why not join me in a game while you're at it?"

"Ah.." Taehyung blinks while Minseok begins to pull out the billiards balls and settle them in order. "I'm not the best at billiards."

"Don't sweat it, man. We'll play with lighter rules." The other male grabs two wooden cue sticks and hands one towards Taehyung, then peers at Jeongguk, whose head remained lowered, perhaps to hide his rosy cheeks. "Want to join, Gguk?"

Jeongguk's body perks, and then he shakes his head slowly. "N-No, I'm good. Billiards is supposed to be two players anyway.."

Minseok's stare on him lingers, and then he retreats to the other side of the pool table. "Alright, then-" He settles the white ball opposite to the colored ones. "Let's make up some rules. How about the numbers on the balls count as points, and whoever earns the most wins?"

Taehyung adjusts the cue stick into his grip and gives a shrug. "Hm. Sounds simple enough, I suppose."

"Too simple?" Minseok rubs his chin, watching as Jeongguk retreats to one of the vending machines for a drink. "How about the red balls give negative points, and the yellows give an extra 3 points? Jeongguk can keep count of scores."

The boy grabs the dropped banana drink from the machine and scowls at the other male. "Why do I have to keep count?"

"Um, well... What else are you gonna do?"

Taehyung quietly watches on while the two bicker a moment longer, his eyes glancing toward the pool table every now and then. "Ah, a point system." He clears his throat. "Sure. Let's play.."

With that, the game began with Minseok hitting the one white ball so that it scattered the other fifteen. From the impact, the number 4 ball dropped into a nearby hole, and Jeongguk pulled out his phone to take note of Minseok's new score.

"Shit~" Minseok whistles. "I put two high numbers for you right next to each other. You should thank me. Careful not to score the red one though~"

Taehyung's eyes fell toward the two striped balls—number 13 and 15. He figured at the very least, if he could get the highest number in he'd be at a huge advantage. And Jeongguk watched as he took his aim against the white ball, one eye shut while he calculated the strength of his hit.

The boy swallows his own saliva and draws in a quick breath before speaking.

"Number 15 is red.." He says quietly. "13 is orange."

Taehyung's one opened eye peers toward Jeongguk, and a brief silence settles between the three men.

The boy continues. "3, 7, and 11 are also red."

Slowly, Taehyung retreats back from the table and straightens his posture. He takes another look at all the balls, reassessing them while memorizing their colors to their numbers.

"Number 1 and 9 are the only yellows.." Jeongguk finishes, then lowers his phone. "If you forget, ask me again. I'll repeat it for you."

Minseok's eyes narrow, the second wave of silence only confusing him even more. He rests the bottom of his cue stick against the floor and holds it beside him. "What are you doing, Gguk? He's got a set of eyes—he can see that for himself."

Taehyung reaches to hold the side of his neck, nails digging lightly to the skin. "Ah, Mr. Jeon was only helping.." He clarifies. "I'm colorblind, so I couldn't tell."

Minseok blinks repeatedly, lips slowly parting open. He stares at Taehyung in slight disbelief, and then scoffs out a conscious laugh. "Oh. Fuck, that's... My bad. Why on earth didn't you say something? I was out here acting like a dumbass."

Taehyung gave a weak, amused smile. "Hm. You're right. I don't know why I didn't speak up sooner." He rolls down his sleeve to reveal the bulky watch on his wrist, then sucks in a breath once he'd gotten a glance at the time. "And you know, as fun as this version of billiards sounds, it's quite late now so I should really turn in for the night."

"Ah-.. Yes, sure." Minseok nods. "We'll do this another time. Why don't you stay here tonight? The tenth floor is dedicated entirely to the Namida gang and our allies—we don't rent out any rooms in there for common folk. Why don't you ask Woojin at the front desk for a room? He'll get you all settled in."

Taehyung moves toward the wall to return the cue stick to its spot, then gives another polite bow. "Once again that's real kind of you, sir."

Jeongguk's brows lower in a slight glower, watching as Taehyung retreats to the exit and down the hall without another word. He hesitates for a moment before his feet find themselves moving to follow after him, and a voice halts him in place.

"Want to take his place instead?" Minseok gestures toward the pool table. "We'll play just one round."

"M'not in the mood, hyung.." Jeongguk says, subtle aggravation in his voice. "And I won't be joining you in your bedroom tonight, so don't wait up on me."

With that he speeds to the exit, down the hall until he reaches the bar area again, where he spots Taehyung seemingly finishing a conversation with Hiro. He walks off toward the lobby, and Jeongguk soon arrives at his side and taps him on the shoulder.

"X—" He calls softly, "Wait up!" At the sound of his voice Taehyung swivels around to see the pretty boy catching his breath. "I'm-.... S-Sorry about that back there.."

The man's brow perks up. "Hm? Sorry about what?"

"Ehm.." Jeongguk clears his throat. "You know... About Minseok, and... the game suggestion."

"What's there to be sorry for?" Taehyung's hand dig into his pockets. "He couldn't have possibly known I'm colorblind."

Jeongguk pauses for a stalling few seconds, a hint of confusion lacing his eyes. "O-Oh.. You weren't-... bothered by it?"

The older shrugs. "Not really."

After a moment of composing himself, Jeongguk looks away briefly. "Then-... I thought maybe you were uncomfortable, but... Why did you seem so off..?"

"Off?"

"Yeah, just kind of-... Unlike yourself."

"And how would you know what's unlike me, hm?" Taehyung speaks, an amused yet dishonest smile appearing over his lips. "You've known me for barely a day."

Jeongguk huffs. "I can still tell."

"Well," Taehyung sighs, pulls a hand out to push his hair back. "Jungshik, you-... Wait, no. Jaegguk-ssi."

"It's Jeongguk."

"Right," Taehyung cracks another smile. "I'll get it eventually. Thanks for worrying about me, boy. But you don't have to do that, you know. I'm doing alright, and I can take care of myself either way. Alright?"

"I guess.." Jeongguk's face falls into a frown. "But.. I'd like you to rely on me."

The man merely blinks. "Why?"

The simple one-worded question stumps Jeongguk for a moment, while an uneasy feeling starts to settle into his stomach. Not something dramatic or anything of the sort. But he had this strange feeling that Taehyung—that X, was drawing a line between them somehow. And before he knew it he was voicing such concerns out loud.

"Why are you doing that?"

Taehyung tilts his head. "Doing what?"

"Refraining yourself. From acting too friendly around me. Or-.. or something like that. It's not that you're pushing me away, but... you're making me feel like if I were to ask you to come eat dinner with me, it would be crossing boundaries. A-As if we're classmates who just met and aren't friends yet, except I'm the only one putting in effort to befriend you. You're holding back, and that's-... unnecessary."

Taehyung listens in silence, letting the boy's sudden babbling drag on until it stopped.

"Holding back?" He says calmly. "That would imply that there's something tying us together, no? At least with classmates they're tied by the obligation of sharing a class. That means they share a future together, one where they'll have to see each other every day, so they might as well get along." A pause. "What obligation do we have with each other?"

Jeongguk opens his mouth to say something, his words caught by a lull in his throat.

"Nothing, right?" Taehyung speaks again. "There's nothing tying us together. After all, you're just a stranger to me—"

As soon as the words leave his lips, Taehyung's head snaps harshly to the left, the sound of a loud smack ricocheting off the walls.

Jeongguk's heart felt massive inside his chest, his face snarling, hands shaking beside him, eyes watered with the tears that nurtured his emotions. His breaths were unstable, the loud beating of his heart becomes white noise in his ears and he just couldn't, couldn't allow his accumulated tears to fall down his cheeks.

Couldn't show his weakness again.

Taehyung's right cheek burns from the impact of Jeongguk's slap, and he slowly turns his head forward again, to look at the younger who seemed both so fragile and so strong behind the glare in his fiery eyes.

"So I'm a fucking stranger to you now. Is that how you view it?" Jeongguk's words were quiet, slow, deadly.

Brittle.

The alter felt as if any word could shatter the boy completely. He couldn't think of what the proper thing to say was, and he'd lost his timing when Jeongguk finally stormed off towards the lobby center, treading down to the front desk.

"Ah, Jeongguk-ssi, would you like—"

"Can I please get a room?" The boy interrupted, keeping his head lowered in hopes his blazing emotions would stay concealed. "I'm staying here tonight."

That's right. Today's been too much. Way too much.

If he went home to Seojun now, he wasn't confident he'd be able to hold himself together. So it just wasn't fair. Wasn't practical.

He was on the verge of falling into pieces.

And this time, he wasn't sure he could gather himself back up.

※ ※

It occurred to Jeongguk that perhaps he wasn't as strong as he thought he was.

Because, even after making it up to his hotel room, not bothering to turn on any lights in the dark space, he had thrown himself into bed and shed tears of a thousand nights. He had soaked the bedsheets and covers with his grief, dismantled the tidied order to his pillows, and worked his vocal chords with the muffles cries of his pressing woes.

He was so swallowed by his own emotions that he didn't even acknowledge the rowdiness of the rooms next to his, where other Namida members were blasting music as they usually do since no one there would complain. After all the entire floor really was full of their fellow gang members, which meant that parties and sharing rooms weren't exactly uncommon. Jeongguk had never been one to complain about the noise though, considering it would mask his and Minseok's moans whenever they'd storm into one of these rooms to satisfy their own desires.

But tonight Jeongguk didn't care if his cries were heard or not. They were his to shed; his to endure.

And because the gangsters could party well into the night, even until the sun rises, Jeongguk wasn't sure exactly how long he had laid there crying. But eventually, when his wailing had finally died down, his eyes peered out the large window in front of him, where the moon remained high in the clear sky.

After all that crying followed nothing but silence while Jeongguk laid there in the center of the bed, motionless.

That is, until he hears light footsteps approaching the bedroom, and out of sheer surprise he jolts, sits up from the bed and gasps beneath his breath once he spots a person who suddenly stepped into the room, the moonlight casting beautifully on that sculpted face he had stared at for hours upon waking up beside it one too many times in the past.

"Taeh—.." He sucks in a breath and corrects himself. "X." His muscles relax a little, relieved that at least it was a familiar face. "How-... W-What are you doing here?"

Taehyung looks around, seems to gaze at anything but Jeongguk.

"I told Woojin at the front desk that we're sharing a room. So he gave me a spare key.." The older explains after a brief pause. "And I came up here. But you were crying and I didn't want to startle you, so I waited in the living room until you calmed down."

Jeongguk's watery big eyes gaze directly at him. In that moment he was grateful that he hadn't turned on any lights, because if he did then the alter would be able to see how embarrassing he really looked. Face red, cheeks wet with his tears, a snot or two at his nose from his endlessly intense sobbing.

"I keep making you cry without even knowing shit, hm?" The older speaks, drawing closer towards the edge of the bed. "May I sit for a moment?"

The boy nods weakly, wiping at his nose after countless sniffling.

And once again, silence followed.

The two sat there, didn't speak a word. They'd steal glances at one another every so often, and then gaze elsewhere. But never did their eyes meet directly. Jeongguk would find himself looking down at his hands, watched how his fingers trembled. He wasn't sure if it was the emotion, or if he still deeply longed to reach out and hold the other male's hand.

How badly he wanted to feel his touch again.. He knew it all too well.

"I didn't want to get your hopes up, bunny.." The alter speaks up, and Jeongguk finds the strength to gaze into his eyes. "To you, Taehyung may be alive and well because I'm here.." He continues carefully. "But I'm not Taehyung, who you're familiar with. I'm X."

Jeongguk's gaze falls. He gives a silent nod and grips at the bedsheets beneath him.

"And Taehyung, he-... Well, he's not here." The older's head turns, taking in the sight of the bright glistening moon. "Think about it.. For Taehyung's entire life I've never once fronted until that day five years ago. Why do you think that is? There always has to be one of us fronting. Obviously, so we can take control of our body. But if Taehyung won't front it can fall onto V to do it. And if V can't do it, Vante can take over. And if Vante can't, there's always Dot."

He pauses. The muffled sound of music bleeds in vibrations against the walls around them.

"But if all of them are gone, then.. I'm forced to take hold of the wheel, since there's no one else left to do it. That day five years ago... You lost Taehyung and the other three alters. And yet, you're seeing Taehyung's body here right in front of you. But that's only because... out of the five us, I'm the only one that survived that incident."

Jeongguk closes his eyes. Somehow—somehow he knew what it was the alter was trying to tell him now.

But he wasn't left wondering, because seconds later the older voiced out the words Jeongguk was praying would never ever hold truth.

"The other alters, they're-... they're gone."

✱