Inihatid niya ako hanggang sa tapat ng condo unit. Sa kabuuan ng oras, matapos naming lumabas ng sasakyan, hindi niya binitiwan ang kamay ko. Kaya naman ngayong papasok na ako sa loob, at siya naman ay uuwi sa sariling unit, hindi ko siya mabitiwan.

"Aree . . ."

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kan'ya. "Hindi mo pa ako bibitiwan?" I asked.

Umawang ang bibig niya bago lumunok saka nagsalita. "Can I . . . stay the night?"

For some reason, kumabog ang dibdib ko na para bang first time mangyayari ito. Marahan akong tumango bago ako naunang pumasok. Sumunod siya, mahigpit pa rin ang hawak sa kamay ko. As soon as I closed the door and turned on the lights, he went in front of me.

"Areeya . . ."

I let my bag fall on the floor, wrapped my arms around his nape and claimed his lips as soon as I saw his face leaning towards me. He pinned me on my door so hard, I heard a bang. His hands went to the hem of my dress, lifting it up so it could travel to my mounds.

I moaned a little when both of my hands reached their destinations. He easily unclasped my brassiere and played with my boobs like a slime. I kissed him hard, pulling him closer to me more, because I wanted more than this.

We walked towards the couch without breaking the kiss. His hands didn't even leave its current place. I groaned a little when I finally sat on the couch so hard but it didn't hurt. Hunter broke the kiss to remove my dress, then resumed kissing me again. My hands went down to his pants. I unbuckled his belt, unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, until I finally pulled it down.

Hunter broke the kiss. He stood straight and helped me removed his pants and boxers completely. His fully-erect shaft waved at me like its been waiting for me.

I wrapped my hands on it and gave it little kisses, which made Hunter groan a little as he grabbed a handful of my hair. I licked it, tasted it, savor it, before I put it into my mouth. I made small movements at first at the first inches of it, playing with its tip using my tongue, i moved my head up and down, slowly, until I can completely play with the whole of it.

I held tight on his hips as my support because the way he guided my head to do this blow job seems like he wanted it to be finished immediately. I could hear his little groans, his grip in my hair became a little tighter, and his push became more aggressive that it kinda hurt my mouth, until I felt the liquid fill my mouth. He released so much that it leaked on the floor. I almost threw up, but then I shut my eyes tight and swallowed it all.

I looked up to see him and saw how satisfied he was with what I did. He gave me a small smile, and so did I. He wiped my mouth with his hands before he carried me to my bedroom.

When we entered inside, we didn't bother turning the lights on. He just gently put me on my bed, removed my panties, spread my legs wide, before he dived right into it. I immediately moaned when I felt his tongue on it as my hands gripped on my bed sheets so tight. He held onto my thighs as he made his routine on my front bottom. I couldn't stop myself from moaning as I felt his tongue slid inside me, traveling on me like salt on the shot glass . . . tasting every centimeter of me.

It didn't take long enough for me to have my release. A few seconds later, I saw him crawling on top of me. His  member brushed on my skin as he did it and I had goosebumps because of that.

When we came face to face, he cupped my face and smiled. "I will never stop saying this, Areeya. I love you more than you'll ever know. I love you so . . . fucking . . . bad."

Right after he said that, he claimed my lips as his member broke inside me. I gasped in between our kisses as I wrapped my legs on him. He continued thrusting in and out of me in different places and positions inside my small bedroom. . . for so long . . . until we finally got tired.

We cuddled on the bed after a long sex session.

While we're trying to sleep, I suddenly remembered one thing.

"Are you sleeping already?" I asked.

He hugged me tighter as he slightly made a sound. "Not yet. Why?"

I traced his chest with the tip of my index finger as I talked. "Hindi ka ba nagsasawa?"

I felt him stop on his track. He slightly moved away to see my face. "Nagsasawa saan?"

I shrugged. "Sex. With me."

He chuckled. "Bakit naman ako magsasawa?"

Pati ako natawa sa sinabi niya. "We just had sex earlier, sa office mo. Tapos we made out sa car bago umuwi. Tapos sex ulit dito. Our lives together revolves around sex."

Ilang segundo siyang tumahimik, nakatitig sa akin, bago sumagot sa mahabang sinabi ko.

"Didn't you want it? You told me before that this is what you want . . . that you only see me as your sex slave . . . that sex is all you can think about when you're with me. I am obliged to satisfy you . . . and all the things you felt about me, back when we're in Japan."

Natahimik ako.

I didn't know that everything I told him a few months ago would be stuck on his mind. He never forgot anything I've ever said.

"We can stop having sexes like this if you want, Areeya. I just want to be with you. I just . . . want to do the things that you can only think of when you're with me. I don't want you to forget what you think of when you're with me. I want you to want to be with me . . . even just for the sexes."

I want to retaliate.

I want to fight for myself. I want to say, imposible namang hindi mo gusto itong ginagawa natin because I know that what I told him before hurt him a lot. I don't understand why I am starting to control what I will say when it comes to him.

I don't want to hurt him any more than I've done before.

Hunter hugged me once again. He kissed me on my temple before he talked.

"Stop thinking for now. I know you're tired. Let's just rest, okay? Good night, love."

I shut my eyes tight as I hugged him back. I took a deep breath as I felt my tears start to pool on the corner of my eyes.

Am I . . . falling in love with him?

___

Wala pang isang linggo simula ng araw na 'yon, napagtanto ko na hindi pa pala ako nagpapa-depo sa OB ko. Fuck!

May pasok ako dahil Wednesday pero dahil mas emergency pa 'to sa emergency, nag-file ako ng sick leave. Bukod sa magpapa-depo ako, magpapa-check up na rin ako kasi feeling ko, may iba sa akin. Hindi ko maintindihan kung ano pero pakiramdam ko, simula nang tuluyan akong umalis sa amin, nagiging pabago-bago ang emosyon ko.

Hindi naman siguro ako buntis . . . naka-depo naman ako.

Hindi. Depo shots only mimic the symptoms of pregnancy. Isa pa, 96% ang effective rate nito. Napakaswerte ko naman kung mabubuntis ako ni Hunter kahit na naka-depo ako.

Nang makarating ako sa clinic ng OB-Gyne ko, nagulat pa siya nang makita ako.

"Ms. Cervantes! I was calling you about more than a month ago. What happened to you?" she asked me.

Ngumiti ako bago nakipagbeso sa kan'ya. "I'm sorry, nagkaroon ng problem sa family. I rarely use my phone that time. Hindi ko na nabalikan yung mga tawag n'yo para itanong kung para saan, I was really preoccupied. I'm sorry."

Ngumiti siya saka ako tiningnan mula ulo hanggang paa bago naupo sa upuan niya. Naiilang akong pumunta sa harap ng table niya saka nagsalita kahit na hindi pa man din ako nakakaupo. Feeling ko, I'm in a fucking rush!

"So, okay lang ba? Lae na akong nagpa-appointment, buti may available ka pa kahit hapon na. I just really need to take the depo shot, Doc Grace. I really forgot."

Umawang ang bibig niya. "What? I thought you're here for another reason! You are way behind sa depo shot mo. Almost one month ago ka pa dapat nagpa-inject, Areeya."

Nanlamig ako sa narinig bago naupo sa upuan. "W-What?"

"Did you forget the date, too?" Hindi ako nakasagot. "Are you sexually active?"

I gulped before nodding. She bit her lower lip before he held my hand.

"Areeya, I'm sorry ha, pero pagpasok mo pa lang kasi, alam ko nang buntis ka based sa hubog ng katawan mo ngayon."

Lalong akong nanlamig sa narinig. Kumabog nang mas malakas ang dibdib ko at nagsimula na akong pagpawisan sa kabila ng lakas ng aircon sa loob.

"H-Hindi p'wede."

That's the moment when my tears started pooling on the corner of my eyes. Doc Grace told me things about the procedure of making sure kung buntis ba talaga ako or nagkakamali siya. I heard the word untrasound and weeks pero hindi ko na masiyado pang inintindi ang bawal sentence.

All I know is that . . . Doc Grace might be right . . . kasi ramdam ko rin ang sarili kong katawan.

Ginawa namin ang procedure na sinasabi niya at doon namin nakompirma ang lahat makalipas ang ilang minuto lang.

"Congratulations, Areeya. You're five weeks pregnant."

Umagos ang mga luha ko nang iniabot niya sa akin ang papel kung saan naka-print doon ang mga letra pati na rin ang apat na picture ng ultrasound na ginawa namin kanina.

Marami pa siyang mga sinabi tungkol sa weeks or months na malalaman na namin kung ano bang gender nitong nasa tiyan ko, pero walang pumapasok sa isip ko.

I just want this thing to get out of my body.

Para akong nakalutang habang naglalakad ako paalis ng clinic ni Doc Grace. She knew I never wanted to have kids kaya ako nagpaalaga sa kan'ya. Why did she congratulate me? Hindi niya ba alam kung gaano kasakit para sa akin 'to ngayon?

Marahas kong pinunasan ang mga luha ko.

Sabagay, ano bang inaarte ko? Ginusto kong makipag-sex. Dapat prepared ako sa magiging outcome nitong libog ko. I chose to do that, dapat tanggapin ko 'to, 'di ba?

Kasalanan ko naman. Naging pabaya ako. I was the one who was so against having a child. Now, I'm bearing one.

Fuck being a woman! And what a blessing to be a man, right? Kasi kapag ayaw nila ng anak, walang problema sa kanila. Hindi naman sila ang mabubuntis kundi kami. They can fuck anyone around, impregnate 10 women a day, and there'll be no problem for them.

Kasi hindi sila ang magdadala. Tustos lang naman palagi ang hinhihngi sa kanila ng kababaihan kapag ayaw silang panagutan.

Now . . . how about me? Paano akong ayaw magbuntis pero nabuntis in the end?

If I chose to pursue this pregnancy, Hunter would take his responsibility. I know how much he loves me, but how about this thing? Gugustuhin niya ba 'to? He never wanted one in the first place, either. Kaya nga kami nag-click.

I stopped walking right when I realized I've been walking for so long, my feet hurt. I looked at reddish parts of my fingers there as tears continued to roll down.

"I hate . . . being a woman."

Right after I whispered those words, I broke down.

I was crying so hard, people who were passing by were looking at me weirdly but I didn't care. I let all my tears go as it made me feel like my world crumbled right in front of me.

I don't want to be a mom.

I can't be a mom.

God, why did You put me in this situation? I know I've never been the good human You've ever wanted in your paradise but do I deserve to feel this? Bakit parang pinagti-trip-an Mo ako?

You know how many times I've told everyone, and myself, that I don't want to bear a child—I don't want to be a mom. Why . . . just . . . why?

Sa kalagitnaan ng malalang pag-iyak ko, nag-ring ang cellphone ko. Kinuha ko ang cellphone sa handbag. Doon ko nakita na tumatawag si Leonard sa akin.

Mas lalong bumuhos ang mga luha ko nang maalala ang lahat ng pinagdaanan ko noong mga nagdaang taon. Sure, Tanya and Daisy has always been there for me too, but Leonard is different. He never stopped helping me . . . he never left me . . . hanggang sa malutas completely ang problema ko. And I know now that he did all of that because he loved me.

He has been very optimistic about life . . . in living . . . in expanding the family he currently has. Aside from him, I never had a man who thought about life like him. All of my exes only wanted the sex and shits. Even Hunter at first. Now, he's having a change of heart, pero masyado nang matatag ang loob ko para mabago pa niya.

Kung nahulog ba ako kay Leonard noon, mag-iiba ang pananaw ko sa buhay ngayon?

I wiped my tears away, erased all the thoughts in my mind as I answered his call before it automatically dropped.

"L-Leonard . . ."

"Hey, Aree. Nasa work ka? Anong oras ang out mo? Can we go somewhere?"

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Feeling ko, lalo akong maiiyak kapag nagsalita ako kaya mas pinili ko ang manahimik na lang.

"Areeya?"

And I couldn't help it anymore.

I let him hear my cries in the middle of the street. I heard how worried he was, asking where the hell am I or why am I crying but I couldn't answer him at all. I just sent him my location as he told me to, after he dropped the call.

In less than fifteen minutes, I saw his car stopped in front of me. Lumabas siya mula sa driver's seat saka mabilis na naglakad papalapit sa akin. Niyakap niya kaagad ako the moment he's in front of me.

"What happened? Can you tell me?"

I shook my head. Tumango siya saka pinanatili na lang ang yakap sa akin. Yumakap ako pabalik sa kan'ya.

"Can we go to a bar?" I said in the middle of my sobs. "I just want to do it one last time . . ."

"What do you mean?" He asked. I couldn't answer because of the sobs that's coming out of my mouth. "Okay, then. Let's eat first."

Sumakay kami sa sasakyan niya. He drove to a restaurant to eat our early dinner before we went tothe bar I asked him to. That's when I showed him the ultrasound I got earlier.

He was so willing to be the father of my child but that's not my problem.

I know Hunter would want it if I chose to go on with this pregnancy because we almost talked about it before, pero natatakot akong baka mali ako. Paano kung mali ang nararamdaman ko? Paano kung ngayon niya lang gusto 'yon? Paano kung, kapag lumaki na ang bata, ayawan na niya ito, katulad ng ginawa ng mga magulang ko sa akin?

At ang isa pang problema ko . . . I can't find the heart in me to be a mother.

I just can't.

No matter how much I tried to push myself to go on with this pregnancy . . . hindi ko magawa dahil hindi ako makahanap ng dahilan para gustuhin ko ito.

Hindi ko magawang humanap ng rason para . . . gustuhing maging ina dahil buong buhay ko . . . paulit-ulit kong sinasabing hindi ako magbubuntis. Hindi ako magkakaanak. Ayaw kong magkaanak.

Now that it's right in front of me . . . hindi pala gano'n kadali.

It really is easier said than done, indeed.

___

(raw and unedited)

This chapter is what happened before the prologue.
Next chapter to be posted ay what happened after the prologue.
Sana gets ang timeline. :DDD

Salamat sa mga patuloy na naghihintay kahit ang tagal ng update 😅 Malapit na tayo matapos! Kapit lang kayoooo hehehe. Lab ko kayo. 😚

-mari