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23 - Syianne

Leolan's office is small and crowded. There's a big mahogany desk in the centre of the room with one large leather chair behind it and two smaller leather chairs in front. Strange devices line the walls reminding me of an eye doctor's clinic.

"Have a seat, feel at home." He glides across the room and dumps himself down into the big chair like a lazy lion. I edge inside and gingerly sit in front of him. I stare at him with my hands curled in my lap. He takes no heed of me, he's got his tablet propped up on the desk and is paying attention to the things written there.

Within seconds he seems to be in a deeper concentration than I've achieved in my entire life. He's biting the nail of his thumb, his dark eyes wide and focused on the screen in front of him. He doesn't offer an apology, doesn't make any excuses. As far as he's concerned, I've stopped existing.

I don't mind. I find this sort of interaction very comfortable.

Someone places a paper cup with water in front of me. I look up at Minty who smiles at me and pats my head. "Don't mind him, he's got no manners." She continues stroking my hair, petting me as if I'm a kitten. "We're just waiting for Cello, then we'll go into the team building — isn't it cool we have a team building? — and start our conference!"

Of course I have nothing to say to this.

Minty squeaks and throws her arms around me. "She's so adorable Leo, we have to keep her!" She's smothering me. She lets go of me when I try to push her away. "It's horrible, Annie, there are only boys on our team. I wanted a girl for so long."

"Annie?" I whisper.

"I can call you Annie, right?" Minty plunges into the chair next to me. "I grew up with four sisters, but now for the last three years I've been living in the Mansion with five boys, do you have any idea how depressing that can get?"

Out of all the things a girl could find depressing by coming to the Zephyr, I'm not so sure living with boys would be anywhere near the top of the list. "No," I reply.

"Oh, honestly, it will be so much fun. Do you have any sisters?"

"I have a brother."

"Cello isn't your brother, right? You were just making things up."

"Yes, we were lying."

"Is your real brother younger or older?"

"Older."

"But wait, I thought you were adop - "

"Minty, for the love of God, you're going to scare the poor bird off," Leolan snaps. I stiffen in my seat and stare at him.

"She's a bunny," Minty says, rising to her feet and crossing her arms, "and if someone is scaring her it's you."

"I'm not scared," I say, my voice unintentionally tiny. I don't like being a bird or a bunny.

"Just keep quiet, I need to concentrate," he fumes over his tablet. Minty jumps to her feet and parades to the other side of the desk, looking over Leolan's shoulder to see what he's working on.

The mischief disappears off her face; she looks gravely into the screen. "That's... weird."

Leolan nods in reply. My body edges closer, my curiosity taking hold of me and I peek at the tablet.

It looks exactly like the graph I saw earlier today in the Control Room. "Is that an erratic field or under-sustained area?" I wonder meekly.

"Well, it could be either," Minty says thoughtfully, "but G's report says it's neither."

Leolan is staring at me with his eyes narrowed. "You can read Fade charts?"

I shake my head, "I heard them discussing it in the Control room."

"For a moment you sounded like a Zephyr veteran," Leolan bark-laughs. "This kid is something else, Mint. She's professional; she leaves no room for doubt."

I don't know what I should say to this, I'm not even sure whether Leolan is pleased or not. "What's weird about this chart?"

"It's irregular, but not in the irregular way we regularly get," Leolan answers smiling openly.

"You mean," I try, "you don't know?"

He chortles again, "Exactly."

"Does it have anything to do with the Spares?" And that successfully wipes the smile off of Leolan's face. His expression clouds as he regards me. I guess he's not going to be my source to the truth.

"Syianne," he says my name in reprimand, "You're too fast for your own good."

Minty dances round the table and flings her arms around me protectively. "Bad Leo! Down!" She's back to her ridiculous self again, "Annie is the best friend you could wish for."

Leolan smiles, but the way he looks at me — I get it — I have to be careful. Even if he isn't as scary-looking as Sagastus, he's just as dangerous.

I hear the sound of footsteps from the corridor, but I don't look away from Leolan — it's as if we're in a staring contest. Someone places a white cardboard box in front of me and a bottle of water and only then do I look away from Leolan and into Cello's face.

Relief washes over me, I feel surprised at how much more comfortable I feel now that he's here. Out of everyone I've met today, he's the only one I trust and feel safe with. He smiles at me and it's a smile I can understand. "Chocolate flavoured Zribble," he says. "It's your lunch, dig in."

*

Leolan decides at the last moment that we will meet in a conference room in the main dome and not the Team Building. He sends Minty and Tiger to collect the rest of the team, and he goes off himself to find an empty conference room.

The moment we're left alone, I leap to my feet and hug Cello round his waist. I let go of him just as fast, my face flushing with embarrassment as I sink back down into the chair. I stare at Leolan's desk. I don't want to see Cello's expression. I bite my bottom lip, hating how weak, stupid and selfish I've just behaved.

"Rough day?" He sits next to me and I nod without looking at him. I'm embarrassed over being embarrassed. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm adding more shame to myself.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

I force myself to look up; he looks worried, but not too much. Mostly he just looks refreshed and energetic; I guess his day wasn't as bad as mine. "Nothing," I say dryly. "Absolutely nothing is wrong."

His eyebrows shoot up, he looks as if he wants to laugh but isn't sure whether he should. "Is that you being sarcastic?"

"Why should I be sarcastic?" I ask in my professionally toneless voice.

"Are you angry with me?"

"Should I be angry with you?"

"I'd much prefer you wouldn't be." He offers me a smile, one of his flirtatious smiles which I can't decide whether he does on purpose or not. I run out of what to say, because I'd much rather not be angry with Cello. Although, it's beginning to feel that even if I do get angry with him, it will be alright. It's becoming profoundly easier to think and feel practically anything around Cello.

When I don't reply, he opens the white cardboard box. "Eat something, Lemonade, you haven't eaten anything today."

I look into the box, "What is that?"

Now he laughs, but mirthlessly, "Ah, let me introduce you to lunch, dinner and breakfast, Zribble," he gestures between the box and me. "This is Syianne, Syianne, meet Zribble. We get boxes of it to take home with us; we have to eat this until our Plunge. There's an up-side, although it took me a while to realise."

"What's the up side?"

"It's free."

*

The conference room is dusty and small. There are cobwebs in the corners and the window is so dirty it looks like there's fog outside. The plaster on the wall is peeling off and there seems to be mould growing on the ceiling. Six rusty metal chairs surround a square white chipped Formica table.

Only room that isn't tapped I guess.

Minty and Tiger go off to scour the surrounding offices in search of two spare chairs. There's no room round the table for more than the six chairs already there so they sit behind the other team members.

There are three other boys I don't recognise. A stocky blonde Red Jewel who looks to be in his thirties; Minty introduced him as Hans saying he's not a big talker. A fat Orange with a face as round as a plate and many freckles starts talking to us instantly and introduces himself as Blane. The third, a sleek and thin Violet, with a narrow face and long arms and legs, merely nods when we come in and in a quiet voice says, "Kaiphine." Out of the three he's the most interesting to look at. His hair is as black as midnight and very long, falling in a shining curtain all the way down to his waist.

"Okay, now we can start," Leolan says. He's sitting right across from Cello and me. "I guess you both know why you're here."

"You want us to join your team," Cello says. He and Leolan watch each other intensely.

"Exactly."

"What does it mean for us?"

Leolan leans back into his chair making the rusted metal seem like luxurious comfort, "Tiger, if you may."

Tiger rises to his feet. I think I understand something about their relationship, when it comes to speaking, Tiger is Leolan's voice. "First step is getting permission," he says, pacing in front of us, "We need to get the consent of at least four Core members. It looks like we have three including Leolan. There's Rimtake and Old Flent. We need only one more and we're covered for the vote tomorrow."

"Try Risa," says Cello, "Maybe she'll agree." One of Leolan's eyebrows arches slightly at the mention of Risa's name.

"It's better not to count on Risa," Leolan intervenes, "Atrian is a better choice."

"Anyway," Tiger continues, "next stage is your training, that includes guide work leading to your first Plunge on Friday, at least two months under the Trainer, and then the third stage is the Team Test. That's when we get to test you, don't worry, it won't hurt... much," the whole team smiles at us.

"But before all that, we have to agree, correct?" Cello asks. I look at him and a part of me is grateful that he's being so rational and is asking all the right questions. But mostly I really want to be part of this team. I want to live with six other boys and Minty.  I want us to be together, I want to chase anti-energy units around Rockdem, I want to investigate the deep and dangerous reaches of the Zephyr. I want to be a cool team member.

I don't want to lead a lonely life.

"That comes first, even before the first stage," Tiger says. "There's some risk involved in Teamwork, but generally, it's the best work you can hope for in the Zephyr."

"What's our alternative?" Cello continues. I want to clap my hand over his mouth. "What happens if we say no?"

"If either one of you says no," Leolan is the one to answer, not looking the least bit disturbed by Cello's inquiries, "then both of you are sent into the work pool and then you're spoken for — whoever needs an Undefined will get you. You can end up in the Control room or as a window cleaner, the odds are more or less the same."

If he was trying to scare us, he succeeded; I feel a pressing need to push away the life that I don't want to live. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I bunch up my fists.  "We'll do it," I say.

Cello's head whips toward me, like he's going to say something. It suddenly occurs to me that the choice isn't even in my hands, it's in his. It's all up to him. If he says no, then, it's no for me too. For a moment I'm furious — how could he have so much power and I so little?

He bows his head and looks away, "I need to think about it. Can I get a couple of hours of consideration?"

I want to scream.

"Of course you can," Leolan says.  "Come to my office when you have an answer."

The Team conference ends just like that. The team members leave with very little ceremony only too glad to be out of the shabby little room. As Cello makes to leave, I grab his elbow. "Cello, what are you doing?"

"Keeping my eyes open," he answers. "There are things they aren't telling us."

"I know that," I'm angry and that makes my voice shake, "but they won't tell us things regardless if we're in a team or not. What do you prefer? Plunging once a year and the rest of the time being a servant to this place, or doing something really meaningful?"

He turns to look at me, "Honestly, I don't know if I want either. Do you trust them? Any of them?"

I shake my head, "I told you, I trust you, and you trust me. We need to find a way to stick together and this is the only way."

He pulls away and starts drifting toward the door, "I need to think," he frowns at me. "I need a few hours alone. I'll see you tonight at the Doorstep. Don't forget to pick up a few boxes of Zribble."

And then he's gone, leaving me feeling selfish and anxious.

*

Throughout the long and lonely drive back to the Doorstep that evening I work on clearing my head and heart. I need a new system to deal with my new life and keep things together. But the fact that I want to be part of that team interferes with every attempt I make to straighten myself out. I've always forced myself not to want things — and reject the world around me — because I knew everything was temporary. But this offer is not a temporary one; it will last as long as I'm alive.

I've never wanted anything so badly.

Instead of calming down, I develop a burning rage directed at Cello. He's the one who is being selfish. If both choices seem so bad to him, he has nothing to lose by saying yes. He's caught up in his own personal melodrama, between disappearing through a gaping hole in the wall and then showing up a couple of hours later and behaving as if nothing happened. Why does he get to make all the choices by himself? His decision involves both of us. I want to stop the rail-car and divert its course back to the Zephyr so I can find him and make him understand.

My finger hovers over the little control screen inside the rail car, the one that adjusts your travel destination. The fact that I'm not sure where to find him prevents me from jabbing the "Go Back" icon.

When I reach the Doorstep, I run up to our room and grab the receiver of the telephone. I dial Art's number.

I count the tones, waiting for the relief of hearing his voice. He always looks after me and always cares about me. I ignore the almost overwhelming wave of guilt in my stomach, I haven't spared him a thought today. But it's alright because I'm about to smile and sigh — about to project my love over the line.

"The number you have dialled is unavailable. Please try again at a later time."