I haven't updated this in sooooo long-
T/w~ really angsty stuff but then again this whole book is angsty lmao
Hospitals, memories of a suicide attempt, self harm mentions, screaming, crying talking about being suicidal and just this song in general tbh.

Virgil groaned as he opened his eyes. It was like waking up after a beating.

Awake, I opened my eyes to see
A medical room, so white and clean

He looked around at the white room. The smell of bleach hitting him before the sounds of the heart rate monitor and other medical machines.

He tried to remember what happened.

I was walking up to the roof, I think

He remembers some things but there are missing pieces to this puzzle.

Then can't recall at all a single thing

Somebody was holding his hand. He looked over and saw Logan. He looked dishevelled but happy to see him. His glasses were sliding down his nose, his tie hanging loosely around his neck and his shirt wrinkled and blood stained.

Held a hand for me...
"you were there!"

Virgil said, pointing at him as he recognised logan's face.

I know, but couldn't reach

He remembers falling. Remembers Logan reaching for his hand but not getting to him in time. Remembers looking up at Ligan with a soft smile as he waved goodbye. Then darkness...

The me that would fall down all the time

All the times he was tripped in the hallway.

But stand and reach my hand to see...

Logan being there to help him up...
Then the kids laughing, saying,

"Have you tried crossing over yet?"

~Virgil's thoughts~
Ah wanna die, wanna die

He really did...

But don't really wanna die

But what about Logan...

You were there, you would care

He would miss him. Wouldn't he?

He looked down at his bandaged arms.

Making me aware
Every scar, all the blood
More and more, they're never done
Not enough, not enough

His thoughts echoed.

Ah wanna die, wanna die
But don't really wanna die

It was so confusing. He didn't know what he wanted.

If I died, you would cry

He didn't want Logan to cry over him. He didn't think he deserved it.

And I don't know why

How could Logan love him?

Every scar, all the blood
More and more, they're never done
Not enough, not enough

His mind was his worst enemy. Playing the same thoughts over and over like a broken record. He felt himself spiral. Logan tried to get his attention but nothing was working. It was like he was underwater and he couldn't come back up.

Until he started mumbling...

"When I forget you, I'm all alone without a place to go"

Logan was the one person who was kind to him other than his friends. Whenever he felt down, he'd think of Logan. How nice, adorable, hot, funny, smart and just perfect he is. But when he couldn't... He felt empty. Lost...

"But then played a mirror like a show, the past I used to know...
A dream"

When he could sleep, it would always be about Logan. But all the dreams felt like nothing now.

"'til I see every part of me, eyes of red following and"

He looked up with bloodshot, teary eyes and said,

"I wanna live, wanna live"

He really wanted to.

"Deep inside I've always been
Reaching out for a hand, so don't let this be the end"

He just needed someone. Anyone.

He looked down at his hands and giggled, the medication making him hallucinate.

"Mushrooms growing on my hands!"

Then the high ended, plummeting him into a dark pit of numbness.

"Still remember even then
Where you are when I'm dead..."

Logan's smile faded as he shook his head.
"No..."
Virgil started laughing, he was losing control...

"Ah wanna die, wanna die!"

He started laughing harder. But then the laughing died down and he started speaking quieter.

"But don't really wanna die... "

He wanted to die but then he didn't. He was confused.

"You were there, you would care"

Virgil looked at Logan and saw himself. Just a teenager who wanted live. Who was bullied and harassed.

"You know it really isn't fair!"

He yelled, getting upset. Tears ran down his face. Not tears of sadness. Tears of frustration.

"Every time I forgot
You remain inside my thoughts!"

Virgil tried to forget all his pain but Logan would always be in the back of his mind. It hurt because he hated seeing Logan upset.

"Not enough, not enough... "

"Virgil please just calm down" Logan said

"Ah wanna die, wanna die
Wanna die!"

He yelled louder and yanked his hand from Logan's.

"but I still couldn't die
With you by my side!"

He gripped his hair and pulled at it as he screamed.

"Behind the days I spent alone, afraid
Now you're here to stay?"

He needed to know if Logan would stay. If he would stay like his mom tried to.

"And the scars never fade"

He said, ripping the bandages from his arms and looking at the scars.

"Memories that replay
Rewind yet again to the pain we felt on that day"

Virgil felt sleepy as he was gently lay down. The doctors had given him special medication to make him sleepy. Virgil saw Logan before he slipped into the quiet dreamscape.

~end of chapter~

Hey danger noodles and nope ropes!
Sorry for not updating in a while...
My motivation went out the window hehe.
But it's back now so I decided to update a couple of my books!
I won't update frequently but I'll update when I can!

Stay safe💜💛, stay great and stay proud🏳️‍🌈. Oh and don't forget to procrastinate.

Peace✌️
Kadence