Chapter 30 – Pain

For the next couple weeks, I adhere to all of Eleazar's rules perfectly, well... almost perfectly. The treats and desserts Antonio sends secretly with each meal are my only cheats. I wake up ready to seize the day before I'm one step closer to having the weekend to myself.

I immediately start my stretching and meditation routine, continuing to focus on the tingling that always starts on my forehead. I've been working on expanding it down further, and I'm proud that I can get the tingling feeling to reach anywhere in my body that I focus on. While it isn't as strong the further it goes, the tingling feeling in my forehead gets super warm the more I extend it. I'm excited to go to my lesson today. It's actually been a lot more fun overall now that the focus is on my mind rather than pushing my body to the limit.

I walk into the familiar training room and head straight to the sofa for my hypnosis, although Eleazar hates it when I call it that. He goes through the usual motions, and once again I feel the usual, but odd numbness on my forehead. Something about his methods, or voice, must be stronger, since I can never replicate that feeling in my own morning sessions.

"You're aware of your aura of power, and you feel the warmth of it," he says. I feel my skin heat up a bit, as if I were somewhere out basking in the sun. "This warmth moves, you need it to extend it above your face. You give it all your energy and push it above you. First, there's one small pocket of air, no bigger than the point of a needle. Another pocket appears, and joins the first. You visualize more air pockets, forming and conjoining. You give them the strength to push up against your shield."

I project the scenes he's creating in front of my eyes, letting his words wash over me, and letting the visualizations become real. I reach for the core of my power within me, trying to imagine it expanding beyond my body and stretching upward.

"Breathe," Eleazar murmurs, his voice barely a whisper. "Feel the energy. Let it flow; don't force it."

I breathe deeply, holding the air in my lungs for a moment before releasing it slowly, imagining that the shield that's usually skin-tight begins to lift, like a mist rising from the ground. Easily, and effortlessly. I imagine it shimmering, translucent, and lifting higher, just above my head.

"Good," Eleazar says softly, his praise causing a rush of adrenaline to bubble up inside me, but instead of letting it distract me, I quickly channel it to the surface of my body, using it to help me push. "You're almost there," he encourages, giving me another wave of adrenaline, which I immediately collect and put to use. I keep my entire being focused on lifting that barrier just a bit higher. And then, suddenly something shifts. It's as if a force is snapping off me, jolting my body in the process. In that exact same moment I feel a sensation unlike anything I've ever felt before coming from my forehead. I gasp, my eyes flying open. There's a split second of confusion before I realize what just happened. Felix is standing above me looking as surprised as I am as he pulls back his hand. In it, I see a small, thin needle. The tip of it is glistening faintly with blood... my blood. That feeling of numbness during these sessions was pressure from the needle this whole time.

"I did it," I whisper breathlessly as Eleazar approaches to check out the damage with a massive grin.

"Congratulations," he smiles, taking the needle. I reach my hand up to my forehead to feel where the needle pricked me. My adrenaline has pretty much extinguished most of the discomfort from the prick, but the evidence is still visible in the bead of red blood dotting my finger. "Now it's time for us to do some tests."

"What kind of tests?" I ask, as Felix speeds out of the training room.

"Take a water break; we'll start when Felix gets back," he says. I do as he says and grab my water.

"Aro said you used to work with the Volturi?" I ask after a moment of silence. Eleazar has been nothing but strictly business since we met, so I want to take advantage of the short amount of time we have waiting.

"I used to be a member," he smiles, as if reminiscing.

"Why did you leave?" I ask curiously.

"I grew unhappy with the way they did certain things. When I met my partner, she gave me the courage to ask for dismissal."

"They just let you go that easily?" I ask.

"Well, Aro wasn't happy of course, but my power was something they could do without in the day to day. He knew I would be willing to return temporarily if he ever needed me, and here I am."

"Are you happier feeding off of animals than humans? I learned that's the reason why vampires would have gold eyes like yours,"

"Yes, it wasn't a way of life I was aware of until my partner and I came across a coven who drank from animals instead of people, but it aligned with our morals, so we wanted to give it a shot. We did, and we ended up joining that coven permanently."

"Does your coven live far?" I ask.

"Yes, quite," he laughs. "We live way out in Alaska." My eyes widen at the mention of a state in my home country. Before I have the chance to ask more questions, Felix reenters the training room with none other than Jane.

"Jane?" I ask incredulously, "What are you doing here?"

"She's your next test," Eleazar declares, rising to his feet. I'm confused. "Today we'll be testing your pain tolerance. The transition into a vampire is described as torture, the most excruciating pain any human has ever felt. You have been shielded from pain your entire life. We need to make sure you can handle it without your body and mind going into shock."

"Oh," I gulp, seeing Jane give me an apologetic glance.

"Jane's power is not physical like the transformation process is, but the pain is comparable," he explains. But that information just freaks me out more. "We'll start low, and she'll raise the pain level gradually. Try your best to tolerate as much as you can, but don't be afraid to say 'stop' if it becomes too unbearable."

"Okay," I exhale while my adrenaline is starting its engine inside my veins. The pain isn't real. The pain isn't real. I try to convince myself as I wait for the test to start.

"Level one," Eleazar commands.

At first I feel nothing. Jane must be hesitating. But before long, an uncomfortable sensation catches me off guard, triggering me to stumble back, hugging my body. Eleazar quickly guides me back to the sofa so I have something to brace me. It's like my body has discovered a sixth sense. It feels so unbelievable, and indescribable as I have absolutely nothing, no past experiences to compare it to.

"Level two."

My eyes squeeze shut and my whole body tenses up. My breath hitches with each inhale, threatening to become a full on panic attack. I struggle to keep my composure as the sensation completely overwhelms me.

"Level three."

The pain amplifies even further and my body starts to shake. My muscles lock up, bracing themselves against a battle they've never trained for. A short high pitched scream escapes me, but I'm determined to prove to them that I'll be okay with the transformation process.

"Level four."

I feel absolutely consumed. I squeeze my legs with every ounce of strength I have, closer to my body, but they won't come any closer. "Stop!" I cry, and the pain immediately subsides. I didn't even realize I was crying, but it's that realization that breaks the dam. I'm consumed in shock as more tears stream down my face. I've never cried this hard before. Jane runs to my side, immediately apologizing.

"I'm so sorry, Anna," she says, grasping my hands. I've never seen her look this worried before. With the shock of it all continuing its rampage throughout both my body and mind, I start to black out.

* * *

My eyes flutter open, letting the posters on my bedroom wall slowly come into focus. The afternoon light filters softly through the curtains, leaving a warm glow throughout my room. I try to orient myself before realizing there's a cool, steady hand gently resting on mine.

"Anna," Caius's voice is low and controlled, yet I can still hear a sliver of tension. I turn my head to see him sitting beside me. His expression is calm, but there's rage behind his eyes.

"Caius," I greet, sitting up a bit, "I can't believe I fainted." I'm slightly disappointed in myself as I remember the events of this morning. It was my second time breaking down in front of people here, and while I know it literally couldn't be helped in the midst of excruciating pain, I still feel a bit embarrassed. The inability to cry is just one more reason to look forward to vampirism I guess.

"Eleazar was reckless," he states, tightening his grip on my hand. His jaw tenses up while his eyes, although still focused on me, look like they're caught in a storm.

"He didn't mean to—"

"I don't care what he meant, Anna," he interrupts, "He overstepped. Testing your reaction to pain is one thing, but pushing you to the point of collapse? That's unacceptable." I wince a bit, reliving the sensation, which makes Caius's eyes darken. "I agreed to you taking these lessons to prepare you, not to push you to your breaking point," he continues, his voice dropping to a dangerous whisper, "and Eleazar will be reminded of that."

I squeeze his hand, trying to pull him away from his anger, "Eleazar said I could stop at any point, but I wanted to keep pushing myself. He had no way of knowing what I was actually feeling. For all I know, Jane's 'level 4' could've been nothing more than the equivalent of a full-body bee sting that I just wasn't adapted to," I try to assure him, "I can handle it, and I need to be prepared for worse."

Caius's gaze softens, but I can tell that there's still some anger simmering. "You will be prepared, but not like this. Not through unnecessary haste."

His concern for me sends butterflies throughout my body, and I can't help but smile at the strange sense of comfort his protectiveness gives me, despite the hurricane of emotions I can still sense swirling inside him. "I promise I'll be okay," I assure him, "Please don't give Eleazar too hard of a time; I don't want to feel like he's walking on eggshells around me while I'm trying to push myself."

Caius sighs, "Rest a little longer. I'll be back soon," he tells me, as he gets his things organized and ready to go.

"Promise me that you won't do or say anything mean to him," I plead, narrowing my eyes at the rush he seems to be in.

He smiles softly, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. "Nothing mean," he assures, although the edge to his tone hints at an inevitable confrontation, "But Eleazar will be reminded of his place."

When I slide back down into my covers, Caius squeezes my hand one last time and plants a goodbye kiss onto the small band-aid on my forehead before stepping out.

* * *

Going to my next training session feels like I'm doing the walk of shame, but when I step through the doors, Eleazar and Felix are chatting like nothing happened.

"Eleazar, I'm sorry about yesterday, and I'm especially sorry if you were given a hard time for it," I apologize, "I want to keep training in the way you see fit." To my relief, Eleazar smiles, slightly amused.

"You're a great student Anna, but I did let my excitement carry me away," he tells me, "I apologize too. We'll take a break from using Jane's ability, and then when you're recovered, we'll train your endurance, rather than your threshold. This means giving you longer exposure to level one, and only increasing it once you are adjusted enough to be able to act normally while exposed to it.

"I'm recovered," I assure him, although replacing what we did yesterday with the endurance training he described does give me a sense of relief.

"I believe you, but I have some other things planned for the time being. After that we can give it another try," he says, and I nod.

"I was wondering though, how many 'levels' did you divide Jane's power into? And what does level four compare to?" I can't imagine I made it to level four out of five, so I cross my fingers that it only goes up to ten. Training from level four to level ten could be manageable.

"I divided her power into 30 levels," he explains, and my heart drops. "Level 15 is the limit of tolerability for humans, but ten is the average. Level 20 is the average limit for vampires, and level 20-25 is equivalent to the pain of vampire transformation."

Level 20-25 is equivalent to the pain of vampire transformation... I repeat to myself absolutely deflated. After I became set on becoming a vampire, I never imagined the pain it would cause. I really had my fingers crossed that my power would somehow prevent me from feeling it. Now that I've felt the smallest fraction of it, I just cannot imagine what pain like that... multiplied by that much would feel like. Even if I somehow train my pain tolerance, if regular humans can't endure pain past level 15 at most, that's still several levels below the pain of transformation, which has to be endured for days. It makes me sick to think of Emily going through that, especially at the age she is. I have newfound admiration for her and literally everyone in this castle for being put through that, forced through it even. But it also unlocks a new fear.

"So what does level 30 compare to?" I ask. Eleazar just shakes his head slowly. Jeez... I think, remind me to never get on Jane's bad side.