Chris Donovan vs. Shane Lewis

Pix of an angry Shane, on the side.

Video: Please Forgive Me by Bryan Adams

Enjoy!

***

"You mean you told someone else that you wanted to break up with me?" Shane whispered emotionally, feeling not only anger, but shock and humiliation as well.

Shane had never felt that stupid in his life. Now he understood everything. Chris' recent remoteness, his disappearance, and general attitude. Chris had wanted out. But why couldn't he simply tell him? To think his boyfriend had actually been contemplating breaking up with him...and didn't even have the decency to tell him to his face. The fact that Chris wanted a break-up was hurting enough. And as if that wasn't bad enough, he'd rather gone telling someone else about it. Shane felt so much pain inside his chest he couldn't breathe.

"Shane it's not like that." Chris said with a groan, moving to stand in front of Shane.

"Did you or did you not tell Murray that you wanted out?" Shane's voice was so quiet and cold Chris shivered. Shane sounded lethal.

"Shane please listen to..." Chris began desperately but got cut off by a visibly trembling Shane.

"Just answer the damn question." Shane growled.

"No Shane." Chris' voice raised. "You don't get to do that to me a second time." He said angrily. "You asked me the same trick question when you saw me at the hotel with Peaches. 'Are you saying you've never fucked her?'" Chris rasped, giving the sentence quotation marks with his fingers. "How the fuck was I supposed to answer that when I had indeed fucked her before?"

"You could have told me you fucked her a long time ago." Shane growled, remembering the pain he'd felt at Chris' answer that day.

"I got angry, Shane. Angry that you could think that of me in the first place. So I chose to tell you the truth...what you wanted to hear."

"And now?" Shane whispered, breathing harshly. His fists clenched by his sides.

"It is not a simple yes or no answer, just like that stupid Peaches question." Chris growled.

"Yes it is." Shane countered. "It's either you told him you wanted to break up with me or not. Simple as ABC."

"Would I be here with you if I wanted to break up with..."

"You woke up here." Shane bellowed. "You were so drunk you had passed out. Aaron claims you agreed to come here with me but I can bet my last cent, you didn't even know what you were talking about."

"Shane..."

"Shut the fuck up and listen to me, you asshole." Shane growled. He could barely control his temper. He wanted to lash out at something. The myriad of emotions twirling within him were so intense he couldn't understand how he could still talk. "I should have known. All the signs were there. You wouldn't talk to me, you lied to me that you were going to sleep at home when you were actually drinking your life away in some hotel. Tell me Chris, was I so sickening that you couldn't stand being with me anymore?"

"Baby..."

"Don't you dare baby me." Shane bellowed. "Know what hurts me even more? That you couldn't tell me but could tell someone else. Do you have any idea how that feels? I love you with my whole being. I want you to be happy. Whether you deserve to be happy is debatable but silly me wants the very best for you anyway." Shane didn't react to Chris' gasp at his words. "So if you were no longer interested in this relationship, all you had to do was tell me. I would have let you go if that was what you felt would make you happy. It will be difficult but I would have. You didn't have to go discussing leaving me behind my back. Who else did you tell? The guys? Have I been a laughing stock all this while? In fact, do you even love me as you claim you..."

"Stop." The word tore out of Chris' throat with so much pain and torment, Shane stopped his tirade. "Are you listening to yourself right now?" Chris screamed, his hands clenching. "How can you even ask if I love you? I was having visions, Shane. When I started therapy, all I could see was you...Nick...beaten up. All I had to do was think of you or close my eyes, and that image of you, lying on the floor of my bedroom all bloodied and broken up, would be there. I thought I was the worst thing that has ever happened to you. I thought you would be better off with me out of your life. I don't know why I thought that, but I did. Maybe I was going crazy but..."

"What? Pleading temporary insanity now?" Shane sneered.

"I wanted to go away and think, Shane." Chris sighed deeply, tears clogging his words. "I just wanted to think. I couldn't do that when I was around you." His voice cracked as his eyes welled with tears. "Not when I was assailed with all those images. In the end I didn't even have to think. I knew I couldn't let you go. Call me selfish but I want you in my life, Shane."

"Really?"

"You know I do..." Chris felt wetness on his cheeks and furiously rubbed it away but they continued to flow. His chest felt so tight he found it hard to breathe.

"I don't know any such thing." Shane growled, and then gave a short humourless laugh. "You really need to stop talking because every word that drops out of your mouth makes me realize just how stupid you think I am. I'm surprised you actually expect me to believe that crap about thinking through whatever shit and coming to the conclusion that you couldn't be without me? Dude! I have a one hundred and forty IQ and two PHDs and it's pretty hard to insult my intelligence but I think you just did." Shane said quietly with a slow shake of his head. "You could have told me in that hotel that you were not sleeping with that girl and yet you chose to make me believe the worst. That only shows one thing. You were determined to end it."

Panic swelled within Chris until he was virtually panting for air. "Shane please..." Chris whispered, his cheeks wet with tears.

"What were you trying to prove with that girl? Push me away? You figured...if I hurt him enough, if I kill his pride, if I push him away as I possibly can, he won't come back." Shane shrugged with a sad and resigned look on his face. "Well congratulations, Chris. Mission accomplished. I'll be out of here by morning."

"Shane... Christ. Don't say that!" Chris' breath caught on a sob.

Without another word, Shane turned to go. But at the door he paused and turned around to face Chris. "Oh and one more thing. I didn't hire Mario. Your housekeeper did." With that final parting shot, Shane left the study.

***

Gasping for breath, Chris watched the closed door of the study, willing himself to wake up from whatever nightmare he was trapped in. He felt numb all over but at the same time, felt so much pain within his chest. Had Shane just broken up with him? He'd never seen so much anger and decisiveness on Shane's face as he'd seen moments before. It was as though Shane had made up his mind and there was no going back. Chris allowed himself to slide to the floor, wrapping his arms around himself. He couldn't believe what had just happened. He felt like his world had actually come to an end.

"Oh my God, no." He muttered, shivering as though he were standing in the snow, naked. "This can't be happening." He mumbled. "I've lost him." He whispered as the tears streamed down his cheeks.

After sitting on the floor of the study for a while, Chris dragged himself off the floor and got out of the study. As if in a trance, his feet carried him directly to his childhood bedroom, where he'd spent a lot of time with Chris...and where he'd committed the greatest sin ever...in his opinion.

When Chris entered the room, he switched on the light and looked around. His room had always been big. Like an adult's room. His father had always said he was only one after all...no siblings...so why not make the most of it? The room was just as he remembered. Except for the LED TV on the wall. Everything had been left as it was all those years ago. Well, those had been his exact orders. It was obvious, however, that the room was cleaned very often as it looked extremely clean. Chris turned to stare at a spot on the carpet. The carpet hadn't been changed but it still looked as good as new. There was no blood stain or anything of that sort but Chris knew exactly where to look...where he'd left Shane lying in blood and snort that night. That night he'd beaten Shane to a pulp and attempted to take his own life afterwards. Chris locked the door after him and walked slowly forward till he got to that spot.

Then he completely broke down.

***

Shane came awake, drenched with sweat. He scrubbed at his eyes as he sat up on the bed. He didn't remember having a nightmare but there was a heaviness around his heart that made him so uncomfortable and sad. Then he remembered! Chris. Shane turned to look at Chris' side of the bed and noticed that it didn't look slept in at all. Chris had still not come to bed. Shane turned to the clock on this bedside table and noticed that it was five eleven a.m. Where the fuck was Chris, he thought worriedly. He remembered the tears on Chris' face when he left him in the study earlier and groaned.

"Shit." Shane muttered as he got off the bed and headed towards the bathroom.

Shane had gone to bed around a quarter to three a.m. after taking a quick shower. He'd contemplated going back to check up on Chris, remembering his tear-streaked face. But he'd felt too drained after the humiliating revelation and their fight so had fallen into a restless sleep. His plan was to wait till morning to decide whether to leave Florida or to simply move into a hotel till Sunday. Though he preferred the first option, he felt he could at least take it easy in a hotel till Sunday...just to relax. Then at least, he would have had a week's vacation. Chris had still not come up by the time Shane was about to sleep. Well, he'd obviously not been to bed at all. After rinsing his mouth with a minty mouthwash, Shane pulled on sweatpants and t-shirt and went in search of Chris.

Chris wasn't in the study. Shane went to every possible place he thought Chris could be but couldn't find him. He went outside but the car was still parked, an indication that Chris hadn't gone out of the house either. Shane had never felt so much panic as he felt at that particular moment. He couldn't help but be angry at himself for leaving Chris in that state. He should have known better than to do that, knowing what Chris had tried to do to himself the first time he thought he'd hurt and in effect, lost Shane.

"Oh God, no." Shane groaned as he ran back to the study to check the drawer in which he'd seen Chris putting his father's gun. He almost passed out with relief when he found it inside the drawer. "Where the fuck are you, you idiot?" Shane muttered to himself. He just wanted to find Chris...needed to see that he was okay. "His room." Shane mumbled suddenly, and broke into a run.

"Chris?" Shane called out when he tried to open the door and realized it was locked. He knew Chris was in there because he could hear him sobbing. "Chris, open the door." Shane couldn't mask the desperation in his voice. "Please." He pleaded but Chris didn't open the door.

Shane contemplated going to ask the caretaker, Jon, for a spare key. But apart from the fact that he didn't want to alarm the guy, he knew that once the key inside remained in the keyhole, he couldn't open it with another key from outside.

"If you don't open this door, I'm going to break it in, Chris." Shane growled. "Come on, open it."

***

Inside his childhood bedroom, Chris tried to stop his sobs, knowing Shane could hear him and that it was hurting him to hear him cry just as he couldn't stand seeing Shane cry. He tried to move, to open the door for Shane but he couldn't seem to control any part of his body...couldn't get his limbs to obey him. He couldn't recall how long he'd been on the floor, sobbing his heart out. Try as he had, he just couldn't seem to stop his tears. His throat hurt, his whole body hurt but he couldn't stop sobbing. He felt like he'd lost everything. And he couldn't help but acknowledge the fact that he'd brought everything upon himself.

Chris heard Shane threaten to break down the door and really tried to move. Though he certainly didn't want Shane to see him in that state, he didn't want Shane to destroy the door either. He rolled onto his hands and knees and tried to crawl toward the door but collapsed on the floor, racked by fresh tears.

When Chris heard the first kick, he groaned and covered his face with his palms, sobbing into his palms. Fuck, why couldn't he just stop, Chris asked himself angrily. There was a second kick, then the door opened.

"Chris..." Chris heard Shane say his name and sucked in a sharp inhalation which ended in more sobs.

Then Shane was kneeling in front of Chris and pulling him into his arms. Chris cried even harder as Shane rocked him gently. Shane didn't bother hiding his own tears. He remembered clearly what had happened between them in that room. He recalled the feeling of Chris being angry at him, the possibility of Chris not wanting him as a friend anymore and not having Chris in his life again and felt darkness suffocate him. Surely death would be better than that feeling, Shane thought. He sure as fuck wasn't ready to travel that road ever again. He'd been ready to let Chris have his way. If he wanted out of his life, Shane was ready to let him go. But now, being in that room, feeling the pain he'd felt all those years ago... Shane was ready to believe Chris' words about wanting to be with him even if Chris hadn't meant it because Shane never wanted to feel that way again. Shane was ready to take whatever Chris could offer because he wasn't going to allow himself to go through that pain again. Hell, he wouldn't survive it.

Shane held Chris, allowing him to cry till the sobs stopped on their own accord. Chris needed that. They both needed that. Chris didn't need to apologize for what he'd done all those years ago. The two men understood each other. Nothing was important. They had each other and that was all that mattered. Shane turned his head to look at the time on the bedside table. It was seven thirty-two a.m.

"You need to get some sleep, baby." Shane murmured into Chris' hair.

Chris tried to talk but had to clear his throat before his words could be audible. "Stay with me."

"I'm not going anywhere." Shane said. "Come on, get up." Shane pulled Chris up and led him to the bed.

Shane pulled off Chris' boots, socks, jeans and that sexy red v-neck t-shirt that looked so good on him, leaving on only his sexy boxer briefs. Then Shane took off his own t-shirt and sweats, leaving his boxer briefs too, and then got into bed and pulled the covers over their bodies. Chris wriggled till he was comfortable, with his head resting on Shane's shoulder and enjoying the feel of Shane's fingers combing tenderly through his hair. Save for the occasional spasm in Chris' breathing due to crying for so long, there was a comfortable silence. Till Chris broke it.

"I love you to death, Shane." Chris breathed. "I really do." His voice cracked and Shane instinctively tightened his hold on him. "And I'm not going to allow you to walk out of my life."

"Shh... I know." Shane murmured. "Forgive me for all that crap I spewed in the study. I knew what you were telling me was the truth. I was just so damn hurt and angry."

"And mean." Chris whispered, drawing a chuckle from Shane.

"Remember you said I could give you stress? Well, this is me giving you fucking stress."

"That wasn't stress, Shane." Chris said quietly. "That was you ripping my heart out. You were doing what you've warned me never to do to myself. Those words..."

"God, baby I'm so sorry." Shane said, hugging Chris tightly to him. "I was hurting and lashing out. Forgive me." He said, pressing a kiss against Chris' hair. "I'm still mad at you though." He murmured after a while.

"I know. I'm sorry I led you to believe I was home when I wasn't." Chris sighed.

"And..." Shane prompted.

"And for making you believe I was fucking Peaches." Chris said with a smile in his voice.

"And..."

"Ow come on..." Chris groaned.

"Mario." But Shane felt Chris tense up against him. "There's nothing there, Chris." He said softly.

"He wants you." Chris growled.

"Well, I don't know about that. But even if he does, I only have eyes for you and you know it."

"I know." Chris sighed, wondering why he wasn't pointing out the fact that it was Shane who'd made an issues about him wanting to fuck John first. But Chris knew deep down that it wasn't the same thing. Whilst Shane had merely been referring to the erotic nature of their dance, he had been jealous of Shane's relationship with Mario.

Bending his head, Shane pressed his lips to Chris' forehead. "You're all I want, Chris. There's no one else. There will never be anyone else. Got that?"

Chris nodded. "I'm sorry." He muttered. "Still angry?"

"Hell, yeah." Shane chuckled. "And still in love with you."

"Thank God." Chris gave a mock gasp, making Shane burst into laughter.

"Now sleep." Shane said softly, resting his cheek on top of Chris' head. "I'll be here when you wake up.

And even as Chris drifted off into a deep sleep, Shane continued to run his fingers through his hair, looking down at his face, all innocent and vulnerable in sleep and falling even harder for him. Chris was and would always remain the center of his world. Nothing could change that.

***

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