Wide awake in Gabriel's arms, it was impossible to still my mind. I was overtired and overthinking but even recognizing that wasn't enough to make me stop. I'd waited; I'd been patient. Gabriel had come a long way from the man he was the first time he kissed me. But it wasn't enough. Not now that I was in it so deeply. I needed to know what he was feeling, even if it hurt.

"Do you think..." My voice caught in my throat. I cleared it and tried again: "Do you think we could be mates?" My heart raced as the words tumbled from my mouth, allowing the question I'd never intended to ask to spill out into the room.

Gabriel was quiet for a minute. Then another. As the length of his silence grew, so did the distance between us. So did the undeniable ache in my chest. His lack of a response was answer enough.

I couldn't wait any longer. My cheeks burning with shame, I slid out of the bed and collected my clothes from where they lay on the carpet. As I dressed, he stared at the ceiling, unmoving. I couldn't read the expression he wore on his face. When I left the room, he made no attempt to stop me.

Somehow, I made it back to the guesthouse before I collapsed onto the floor, clutching at my chest as though I could rip my heart out before it broke any further. The pain was unlike any I'd felt in my life, raging through me like a wildfire and threatening to tear me open. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. But when I opened my mouth, no sound came out. Noiseless tremors shook my body and left me gasping desperately for air.

I was a game to him. A distraction. Everything that we had, everything that I thought we were, had all been in my head. I'd misinterpreted the emotion in his eyes when he looked at me; or worse, I'd put it there myself out of sheer desperation to think he felt as strongly as I did.

I spent the night there, curled in on myself on the cold ground. I wished for a deep, dreamless sleep that never came. Instead, as the sun rose, my eyes and throat were left raw from hours of hysterics. Every muscle in my body ached from the heaving, brutal shudders that wracked it. I was empty then, mercifully devoid of any emotion. It had taken all night, but I thought I might have finally expelled every last ounce of feeling from inside of me until there was nothing left but a hollowness.

I laid still, cheek pressed against the floor. When the door opened and the corner dug into my back, it took some time to register the feeling. The sound of Gabriel's voice, however, took no time to register at all.

"Kiera." He said my name like an apology.

It took all the energy I had left to roll myself gingerly up onto my feet. The world spun slightly when I stood, and I felt for a second like I might vomit on him. He would have deserved it if I had.

"What," I rasped.

He stepped inside the rest of the way and shut the door behind him. He looked like he'd had about as enjoyable of a night as I did. His eyes were dark. "Why did you ask me that?"

I stared at him blankly. "Because I need to know."

"Why does it matter?" He sounded nervous now, an edge of anxiety creeping into his voice. If I'd cared more, I would have been surprised; he was never nervous. "What will it change?"

"You started this, Gabriel. You wanted this," I accused. "I was perfectly happy with things as they were."

"Were you?" He wanted to remain as impassive as I seemed, but I could tell my lack of an emotional response had his blood boiling. It didn't matter. I'd already laid myself bare once, I wasn't going to do it again. He had his chance.

"Yes." No.

He took a step forward. "You're lying to me."

"I'm not." I took a step back. I wanted space.

"I heard your heart race every time I came near, I felt your eyes on my skin when we were alone," Gabriel argued. "You wanted this as much as I did."

I rolled my eyes. "Sure, fine. You got me. I was attracted to you. But don't mistake attraction for interest."

"So you weren't interested?" Gabriel raised an eyebrow, challenging me. I'd had just about enough.

"This conversation isn't about me!" I shouted. I thought all the emotion in me was gone, but it seemed I had one last burst of anger to let go of. "This is about you pulling away every time we're starting to get close. This is about you asking me to blow up my entire life for you, then expecting me to weather every one of your fucking mood swings without complaint."

He winced. "I never asked you to blow anything up."

"You knew full well what I had to give up to try this with you." I dropped my voice back down to a normal volume. Now, I was truly empty.

"And you regret it?" He asked.

I drew in a deep breath and held it in my aching lungs for a moment before blowing it out through gritted teeth. "Yes, Gabriel. I regret it. I regret falling for someone who isn't brave enough to let himself fall for me."

"You think this is about courage?" He stepped forward again, almost reaching out for me. Arms halfway raised, it seemed he thought better of it before dropping them back to his sides. "Letting myself fall for you would be my undoing, Kiera. Letting myself love you could kill me."

"So this is just what I get with you, then? This back and forth? I just have to accept you running away every time we're starting to get somewhere?"

"I have to balance both sides of this. I made this decision a long time ago, and I have to live with that." Gabriel's eyes were back to pale blue now, and sad. He looked like a lost child.

"And now you'd have me live with it, too," I supplied.

Looking down, he shook his head dejectedly. "I'm selfish."

"I need you to go."

There was nothing left for either of us to say. This distance Gabriel had been so keen to keep between us was now a chasm, deep and wide and untraversable. The door closing softly behind him sounded like goodbye.

Aubrey came to pick me up that evening when she got off work at the clinic. For once, she held her tongue. I was grateful for that. I'd packed all my things neatly, mechanically, into my suitcases and left both the key to the guesthouse and to my old apartment on the counter. I refused to go back there. I could find a new place on my own.

I'd already texted Ephraim to tell him I'd be taking a few days off. In that time, I hoped I'd be able to convince Marie to take me back at the clinic. Even working in the storeroom would be better than walking through Gabriel's home each day. He could make himself scarce, but I was bound to run into him at some point if I stayed. I didn't want to see Ephraim's face, either, once he found out. In fact, I didn't want to see anyone at all. If I could have lived out the rest of my days in some isolated shack in the woods, I would have gladly done so.

But there was no such place.

The couch in Aubrey's living room was soft and inviting, and she made it up for me with blankets and pillows while I stood by and waited. After she'd tucked me in, she lingered for a while, hoping that I'd eventually explain what had happened. All I'd told her in my text that morning was that I needed a place to stay, but by the look on my face I was sure she could guess most of the details. I had no interest in talking; instead, I rolled onto my side and buried my face into the back of the couch.

When Noah came home later that night, Aubrey quietly ushered him through the living room into the kitchen. In hushed tones, she explained why I was there. I tried to tune them out. If they pitied me, I didn't want to know. Pulling the blanket up over the top of my head, I squeezed my eyes shut and willed my brain to give in to sleep.

I was homeless. Jobless. In the span of two weeks I'd left one man that I loved, and had been left by the other. Maybe this was what I deserved. I had no pack—no longer a member of Sawtooth, and hardly a member of Castle. Worse still, I had no hope. This wasn't going to get better.

When sleep finally came, it came in full force. I was in and out of it for three days straight, only leaving the couch to use the bathroom. Aubrey tried her best to get me to eat, but I could only force down a few plain crackers before my stomach would begin to churn bile. The best she could do was to keep my glass of water full and open the windows so that the air didn't get too stale. She tried to get me to talk, even threatening to bring Marie over to lecture me about taking care of myself.

Eventually, she gave up. She told me that she would be working a double shift, so she brought over my phone and plugged it in and made me swear to call her if I needed anything.

It buzzed incessantly as all the messages I'd received while it was off delivered one by one. Groaning, I rolled over to silence it. When I unlocked it, I saw that I had five missed calls from Gabriel. I deleted each one before deleting his number altogether. I knew that if I kept it, I would be tempted eventually to reach back out. I couldn't risk it.

Just as I was about to toss it back to the floor, one of the unread texts caught my eye. Sandwiched between messages from Ephraim and one that Aubrey must have just sent from the hallway, was one from Dmitri.

I have something important to discuss with you, it read. Let me know when you can meet.