This is what Jessie looks like now

James' POV

I recall the conversation Cody and I had almost a week ago after the White Cabin Meeting we had after the Earth Attack as I book our stay on the website.

"You've never been to the beach before?" I remember asking him, confused on how anyone over the age of five could claim such a thing with a straight face, but he shook his head solemnly.

"The day that my family died... we were in the middle of getting ready for our first day trip to the beach. Our parents said they always said they'll take us but always postponed. Finally they just said let's do it. We didn't even make it in the car. So no. I never got to go to the beach. I couldn't bring myself to do it afterwards either." He had confessed before I comforted him, holding him and caressing him with sweet nothings until he fell asleep.

With the conversation in mind, I book the two of us a beautiful beach house, one just off the shores of Vilin, even if that means paying double as much than if we went to one of the few Vollmond beaches. But we can go there anytime, and Cody deserves for this birthday of all birthdays to go perfectly.

I try to ignore the growing knot in my stomach, the last week or so of stress allowing it to grow from a small pin to a grapefruit size ball of nerves settles in my stomach where I should have been able to put food and ice cream instead.

'It's okay to be nervous. This is going to change everything from here on out either way. It's natural for you to want to get it perfect. Just dial it back on the crazy, pookie.' Sloan tells me and while it's said in a light and teasing way, I know he means it. I take a deep breath and try to get my head on calmly, before finishing the reservations and packing away my laptop in the almost packed suitcase.

There's only one more day until his birthday. Tomorrow at tweleve o'clock am, for better or for worse, we'll know if we truly are soulmates.

I've been getting less and less sleep as the days go on, instead finding myself just watching Cody committing his face to memory, wishing I could grab time within the palm of my hand and crush it forever.

I return my suitcase to the hiding place in his closet I've been keeping it these past few days, his own small blue one mostly packed as well. I thought it was took risky at first, but once I took clothes from his messy overstuffed draws rather his organized closet it was easy to slip a couple outfits by without his notice. Though this morning I did hear him complaining about not being able to find a specific pair of pants.

I lay on the bed with my legs hanging off of the side, giving my mind a little peace and quiet for a few minutes before Cody finally gets out of the shower.

I leave my arm over my eyes, enjoying the stillness of the darkness behind my eyelids and the softness of the quiet.

"You seem tired, Jamie. Seems like someone's been neglecting to take care of themselves." I hear and my mouth goes dry, recalling the sultry lower voice of Jessie. I still haven't gotten used to the way Cody and I's appearance change when our wolves take control. It's amazing and personal and seemingly perfect all the way around. What I didn't expect is how flustered Jessie would make me.

I keep my eyes covered for a completely different reason, painfully aware of the fact that Jessie just got of the shower and his body is probably still steaming from his shower. I try my best not to think about the water dripping down his broad bare chest down into the loosely tied towel around his waist.

Or the way water gathers on the tip of his lashes, mesmerizing me, taunting me.

"I'm a little tired. I've been preparing for tomorrow." I admit, gulping when I feel the bed dip on either side of me, heat spilling from Jessie and pressing against my legs as he straddles me in the air, the bed dipping beside either side of my head as he lowers onto all fours, his head right above my arm. I would like to think that he can't see the way my neck and face light up, but I know he can, flustered beyond reason by this sexy domineering man. The extra inch he claims he grows in height whenever he shifts feels like ten the way he commands my attention and needs, though I would die before I admit it.

He's infuriating in the ways that he's right. I don't take care of myself. I haven't had anyone take care of me. I've rarely ever given up control, and with Jessie there's not a certainty to be found. It's exhilarating, disarming even, and therefore terrifying.

I love it and hate it at the same time.

"Are you going to let me see your face?" He asks me, amusement clear in his tone, calling me out on my hiding. Knowing in order to stay hidden, I would have to admit to doing just that,  I reluctantly pull my arm down, opening my eyes to revel the most handsome blessed man in Kaulike. He's takes my breath away, those smoldering hazel eyes, more golden green with Jessie unlike Cody's which lean more bluish grey. His smile is disarming and his thick fresh scent washing over me, lighting pressing against my body, lighting me on fire.

I find myself slightly breathless, panting quietly as Jessie looks down at me, his smile fading as he glances as my lips.

"Hey, there beautiful. Too stubborn for your own good." He says shaking his head at me with a playful grin.

"You're too annoying for your own good." I tell him, rolling my eyes, and he acts hurt, flipping down on me dramatically forcing the air out of me in a whoosh before I'm laughing.

"I'm dead. Death by defeat. My feet have been taken. The world is over." Jessie says, pushing down on his weight when I try to shake him off, laughing too hard to put forth any real effort.

"You're such a butt." I complain, smacking him in the back, but he only laughs as he turns his head to place a kiss on my chin.

"You love it." He tells me with a wink, and I hope he's satisfied with that because he won't hear it from me. He laughs as if he knows what I'm thinking, placing a kiss on my shoulder this time. "You can be stubborn if you want. Or you can let me be who you need me to be without the fear of letting go. All you gotta do is ask." He tells me quietly, looking up at me with hooded eyes as he ventures slightly lower placing a kiss on my chest.

I don't say anything, practically holding my breath as Jessie slowly makes his way down my body, placing kiss after kiss on my skin spreading electricity.

I gasp softly but still don't say anything, relishing at the sensation of Jessie's bare skin on mine, only my shorts and a flimsy towel in the way of each other.

I don't move though, not wanting to break the spell, and I watch with bated breath and a small whimper I'm unable to keep in, as Jessie continues to go lower. He finally gets to the band of my shorts, and I wait for him to remove the offensive garment, ready to lift my hips to help, when instead, he gives my very obvious and needy boner a kiss before getting off of me entirely, grabbing another towel off of the back of a chair to dry his hair.

I'm in shock, offended by his sudden disinterest of my very hard cock, but also stuck in his trap.

Because I know it's up to me. Either keep being stubborn or just tell him that I want him to take care of me, my body, all of me for forever.

I form the words to say it, but something stops me, anxiety left over after years of being vulnerable and years of begging for someone to pay attention and stay falling on deaf ears. The memories of those conversations kills my voice, destroying any idea I had of saying anything. Because all I find, all I feel in this crippling, disabling dread that he could take it back. That he can promise all he wants and I can ask all I want but he always has the ability to just leave me once he decides I'm not the person he wants me to be.

So instead of saying anything, I keep my mouth closed, letting him walk away, wondering why I even have to ask for someone to be there. To not give up. To not throw me away like I'm nothing.

My throat feels thick as I fix myself so I'm laying properly on the bed, grabbing my phone to scroll through the internet, not wanting to face Jessie and his questions that make me feel bad for being scared. A part of me knows I'm running, remembering the Mental Health Class I took a few years ago. I remember telling my teacher, A Hybrid Mind Faerie and Vampire, about what what going on in the pack. She was the only one I was truly honest with, finding solstice in the fact that she didn't live in Vollmond and she wouldn't know my father. When I told her what happened, and the way it would feel sometimes when friends or even my own mother would try to connect, she told me one thing.

That when people get hurt in a place where they're supposed to be safe, they grow a distinct distrust and fear of being in that situation again. Like being vulnerable. Or being taken advantage of.

But knowing that doesn't help me, it only worsens my guilt when I think about the fact that I know that Jessie cares. I just can't trust that he always will and that he won't change his mind.

He finishes up in the bathroom and I hear him get dressed, but I don't turn, scared he's upset with me. Unable to face his disappointment and frustration towards me.

But he doesn't say a word as he gets into bed, grabbing one of my throw blankets off the end of the bed to place on top of us as he lays down. Without a word he grabs me, pulling me towards his chests and resting his head in the crook of my shoulder. "It's okay, baby. You tell me when you're ready. Just understand, I won't make a move until you are. I support and love you no matter what. Just know that." He promises against my skin, and the words disarm me, breaking apart every defense or argument I have, plucking the strings on my heart and confronting me with the truth.

Something I've admittedly feared for far too long.

I start crying, first a small tear and then a flood, sobs racking my chest and I try to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Why can't I just jump right in with love and trust like so many wolves have done.

But I have to face the truth.

Even now, even without knowing where he is, or talking to him for over two weeks- the longest in my life, he's affecting me. Even now he's  controlling me.

And I can't help but think he loves it.

I want to bang my head against the wall in hopes of displacing whatever it was that fucked me up so royally before I even stood a chance. A part of me falls apart internally, a bitter, resentful, spiteful part of me that wants to finally be free of my father and all he's done. But another part of me is choking down the truth. Which is that I'll probably never be truly free.

"I'm sorry." The words fall off my lips before I know they've formed along the tip of my tongue. But I don't stop, the two words repeat over and over, shame, guilt, embarrassment all crashing down on me. Knowing my thoughts and trauma is pushing Jessie away, understanding that it's not something I can escape from. Accepting the fact that I am failing Jessie and upsetting him every time I turn away. I'm drowning in a sea of judgement, feeling assaulted and gutted, all alone in a black sea of ravens that come to pick me apart piece by piece.

Until I realize there's a voice calling to me.

Someone reaching out to me, stilling the waves and the storm, finding the calm in the center as the words finally reach my ears.

"I got you. It's okay. I'm here. You don't have to be sorry. Never be sorry. It's not your fault. I'm here." Jessie whispers to me, his words dousing the fires alit within my mind and heart, anxiety choking me tightly as he attempts to free me. "I love you, baby. I'm not going anywhere."

He tells me, and I try to believe him as I calm down enough to run over, shame forcing my eyes down as I attempt to face him.

"This is supposed to be about getting excited for your birthday the day after tomorrow. Not about me." I tell him, feeling guilty for my behavior and Jessie stops me, forcing me to look at me.

"James, baby, stop. You don't need to apologize. You've been through a lot. For the past twenty years. I can't expect two weeks to change that. I'm here. as long as it takes. Now come on, let's pick a movie and cuddle." He tells me with a kiss, and I snuggle into him securely, grateful for his compassion and patience, my heart full and loved.

One day I will heal the wounds dealt to my by a lifetime of abuse and neglect, in the meantime I can only pray to give Jessie, and Cody a fraction of the love they're so easily and readily able to give those around them. If I were blind, I would think they were an Angel, and to me they always will be.

My little guardian angels.

"Thank you." I tell Jessie as he sets a movie to play.

"Always."

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Guys!!!!!!! You don't even understand. I just churned out a full 2400 page chapter in an hour flat. you don't understand how impressive that is. It used to take me that long to do a 1500 word chapter. can we say progress?????

Thoughts?

Comments?

QOTD: What would you like to say to your parent(s) that left you with neglect or trauma?