[ TRIGGER WARNING; this chapter will contain mentions of Kit's suicidal thoughts and intended suicide attempt from chapter two ]

CHAPTER ELEVEN.
IT'S DIFFERENT

Despite her original plans, Kit didn't go to the barn. She could've, maybe she should've but she didn't. She needed a break, so instead she planned to just climb into bed. Maybe she could get some sleep.

The room next to Kate's had basically become hers while growing up. It had started when she showed up at 2 am after an argument with her parents about her grades. Normally her family was fine but, sometimes her parents hated the idea of her becoming a musician. This had been one of those times.

When she showed up in the pouring rain with nothing except a small backpack, Cathy hadn't hesitated. Immediately she was rushed in, assuring her that she always had a place to stay with them. Somehow that had spun into the room becoming hers whenever she needed a place to stay.

When she walked in, she was hit with a flood of memories. Staying up late giggling with Kate while they talked about everything. Showing Kate the music she'd written and playing for hours. The pictures on the wall of her and Kate at high school graduation, her letter inviting her to perform in Tennessee, everything she hadn't seen for 5 years. Half of those things were things she'd been trying to forget. She wasn't so sure she wanted to forget anymore.

This right here, was home. Sure she had a home with her family, but never really felt like she was meant to be there. This right here, the Carter house, was where she belonged. It just had taken her a little bit to remember.

She was about to enter the room when she had a thought and went back down the hall. She picked up her old guitar, dusting it off before returning to her room.

Kit sat down on the bed and pulled the guitar into her lap. Tuning the strings to ensure they weren't off-key.

With a small deep breath, she slipped the strap over her head and slowly strummed the guitar.

"Air in my lungs 'til the road begins..." She started playing a simple song.

"As the last of the bugs leave their homes again." She played a little faster.

"And I'm splittin' the road down the middle,"

"For a minute, the world seems so simple."

The song said everything she was thinking as she continued to play it. That became her focus for the moment. Letting herself just give in to her feelings while she played. She didn't realize how much she had missed music until she'd played it at the rodeo. Now, she didn't want to stop.

Her hand was acting up, her old injury making it feel stiff but she pushed past it to keep playing. For a second, it was almost like how it used to be, and it was a reminder that things may have changed, but she could still be who she wanted to be. If she just tried.

....

Kate could hear the sound of music when she was walking to the barn. For a second she stopped and turned back to see Kit lying on her bed playing. Her heart skipped a beat. Just days ago the woman had said she couldn't play again and now she she had played twice. She smiled a little bit then kept walking. Tyler was still in the barn.

He'd been reading her stuff, her old research. It almost made her sick to think about it. She tried to grab it but he refused to let her.

"You really think I'm an idiot don't you?" Kate shook her head. She didn't want to think about this. Tyler wasn't supposed to know about any of it. Why did he have to go through her things?

"No, I don't think you're an-" Tyler wasn't having it. He just kept speaking, it was like he was way too excited about her ideas. She remembered being that excited too.

"Hey, modeling's got so much better." He started. Kate tried to interrupt him.

"Tyler."

"I can upload this to my laptop, link up with a supercomputer," Kate could feel the lump forming in her throat, the tears springing to her eyes once more. She had done a lot of crying today. She hated it.

"No, no..." She tried to say again. It was like Tyler couldn't hear her.

She just kept trying to tell him to stop but he wouldn't listen. Kate was growing frustrated. It was almost like she couldn't even process the words he was saying anymore, she was just too upset.

"How did you not tell me about this before?" Kate couldn't handle it anymore, she snapped.

"Because I got it wrong!" She felt out of breath as she shouted at him. Tyler immediately stopped. He looked at her as she expanded. "In the field, in the moment, when it mattered, I got it wrong."

Her breathing slowed. She felt like she couldn't speak but she kept doing it. She needed Tyler to understand.

"I underestimated what we were up against, and I pushed it too far." Tyler looked at her sadly. "And for what?" A small sob left her throat. "Some childish dream I had that I could make a difference? It was never gonna work. And I h... I have to live with that forever."

Tyler didn't say anything at first. Kate hoped that meant he would leave it alone. She couldn't keep talking about this.

"You know what Kit told me once?" Tyler started speaking slowly. "Moving on sometimes feels impossible, but you just have to find the right people to be there to help you through it. Even when you think everything is your fault."

Kate shook her head.

"Kit is the best person I know, but that day wasn't on her, it was on me. I have to live with being wrong." Tyler pressed his lips into a thin line.

"She doesn't think that way." Kate knew that, Kit had already told her she blamed herself too. It was still different, at least in Kate's eyes. Just like Javi had moved on with STORMPAR, Kit had moved on with the Wranglers. They had both started chasing again and left the EF5 in the past more than Kate had. Kate may have been chasing now, but every time she went she was afraid of losing the people she was with. Kit seemed to love chasing, it didn't look like she felt the same way Kate did.

"It's different."

"How?" Tyler narrowed his eyes. Kate opened her mouth to explain that Kit must have moved on. But when the words left her mouth, Tyler shook his head.

He looked upset, not necessarily at her, but in general. She didn't know why.

"Kate, do you know how I met Kit?" She shook her head. Kit hadn't mentioned it during the times they'd talked. "It was about three years ago. She was looking for a bus out of Oklahoma. I saw her at a gas station." Kate looked confused. She didn't quite understand what this had to do with what they were talking about. "She was upset about something, I followed her out of the gas station and she was sitting on a bench."

"Tyler where are you going with this?" Kate interrupted. Tyler inhaled.

"The buses had gone for the night. When I saw her on the bench she was googling bridges." Realization flashed through Kate's eyes. "I kind of figured it out so I invited her to join the Wranglers. I didn't know what was happening to her but she needed help. That's how she ended up with us."

Kate looked down, trying to process what Tyler was saying. Suddenly she remembered when she had been scrolling through the Wranglers videos the other night. She'd seen Kit in a thumbnail in a video titled something related to mental health. She hadn't watched it but she'd assumed it was just an awareness video. Maybe it was more than that.

"It was." Kate had been thinking aloud, she hadn't meant to. "It was about 6 months after she joined the team when she told us about what she was going to do that night if we hadn't shown up. She didn't go into detail but said at some point she wanted to make a video on dealing with it. That's what that was." Kate made a mental note that she'd have to watch it later.

Kate couldn't speak. Her mind felt like it was running. She hadn't realized that the EF5 had affected Kit that much. Maybe she should've known, but she wasn't there. She had left. She didn't know that she and Kit had really been going through the same thing.

"You know, uh, EF1 or EF5 tornado rating..." Tyler changed the subject a little bit. "it's not based on size or wind speed. The power we ascribe to it, it's based on damage." Kate met Tyler's eyes as he spoke. "Now, it's only after the fact we can really define it. What it destroys, what it takes from us."

Kate knew what he was trying to say. It was kind of obvious. Still, she didn't interrupt.

"I'm sorry for what happened. But how much more are you gonna let this thing take from you?" Kate swallowed. She assumed Tyler was finished until he said one final thing. "You and Kit.. you both need each other. I don't think either of y'all will heal until you listen to that."

Maybe he was right Kate thought. Maybe they needed to, but Kate was terrified. Especially now, that Kit had told her that she was in love with her. Kate was in love with her too. But while Kit had gotten over her fear of telling her. Kate hadn't and she didn't know how.

She wiped a few tears and looked back at Tyler, still sniffling from the amount that she had been crying.

"You know, you should...you should get some sleep." She spoke after a minute. "Don't want to miss any storms tomorrow."

Tyler looked at her. He had done everything he could to try and convince her. It was up to her now. She just needed to decide. He cleared his throat and then sighed softly.

"Just think about it. We can have a new model running." He didn't say anything else before he walked out of the barn and into the house, leaving Kit alone. She sat down at her old desk and looked down at her notebook. Trying to fight the tears that were still threatening to fall. All the science still made sense. Maybe she should listen to Tyler. Maybe it could work.

....

When Kate and Kit were younger and Kit was sleeping over, they used to sneak out to the barn in the middle of the night. They'd climb up to the loft and look out the large window while watching the stars. It was a sort of tradition. It furthered when they met their team. They'd just spend hours listening to music and watching the stars and listening to storms on the nights when they happened.

When Kit was sure that everyone was asleep, she climbed out the window of her room. It had been hours of just lying in bed thinking. She needed to do something so it was an easy idea. She wasn't a teenager anymore and she didn't need to sneak anywhere but she still did. She didn't want to wake anyone.

The loft was the same, just like everything else. That wasn't a surprise but it was nice to see.

Sitting down in a beanbag chair, Kit leaned back, she pulled one of the old blankets from a shelf and wrapped it around herself while shivering. The sun was beginning to rise - not that it was really visible because the rain was coming down. She grabbed one of the extra notebooks she had lying around and opened it to a blank page.

The last time she'd written a song had been for her and Connor's anniversary. Well actually it had been right after Kate had left, but she tried to forget about that one. With Connor, she never got the chance to sing what she'd written, but she still remembered placing the written page of lyrics by his grave at his funeral.

Even though it had been that long since she'd written, sudden inspiration had struck when she was lying in bed. She didn't want to play guitar when everyone else was asleep.

It didn't take much effort for the words to flow across the page. She hadn't remembered how much she loved writing. However, when she finished the roughly written lyrics she was forced to freeze when pain shot through her wrist and a cry of pain left her lips before she could stop it.

She should have been expecting it, it had been bothering her earlier when she was playing, and she just hoped that maybe she could work through it. Clearly, that had failed, because now she couldn't move it.

Letting out a string of curses, she planned to sneak back into the room. Apparently, the pain had distracted her however because when she climbed down the ladder slowly, she was met with Tyler who was awake. She bit her lip immediately. She was already close to crying in pain, she didn't need Tyler to know about it.

That didn't work, Tyler knew her too well. He looked at her, his eyes narrowing and then they landed on her and the fact that she was cradling her wrist.

"You okay?" He asked. She tried to speak but it only came out as a cry of pain. He immediately wrapped an arm around her shoulder and led her to sit down. He grabbed a small container of Advil that was sitting on the workbench and grabbed it, passing it to her with a bottle of water.

"Thanks," she mumbled. He nodded.

"You talk to Kate?" Kit paused and looked up at him. He already knew she had, why was he asking? She stared at him and he backtracked his question. "Okay, I already know you did. But did it go okay?" Kit didn't stop staring at him. She just gave him a "Really?" kind of look and he understood.

Tyler didn't get it. They both just needed to admit what they were feeling. Yes, Kit had, but Kate hadn't. Tyler knew that it was hard because of what they'd been through. He also knew that the feelings weren't just going away and it needed to be out in the open. The longer Kate waited, the more it meant that Kit might move on.

"If she don't feel the same then there ain't nothing I can do,"  Kit threw her head back and swallowed the pills. Tyler watched her.

"I still don't believe it." Kit let out a loud sigh.

"Ty she said-"

"She told you she didn't feel the same way?"
Kit was too tired for this, and her wrist hurt too badly.

"She didn't exactly say it but-" Tyler took that as a win. He wasn't letting this go. Kit kind of wished he would- it was bad enough that Kate didn't love her back, she didn't need Tyler insisting she did.

"She's scared too Kit, she blames herself. I think she's scared to let herself have feelings for you." Kit shook her head again.

"Please, Tyler." she closed her eyes for a second and then looked back at him. "I can't." She pleaded. Tyler sighed at her response but he didn't push anymore and Kit was grateful.

Kit stood up and glanced around the barn. They were leaving soon, that's why Tyler was up in the first place. He must have just come looking for her.

"I'll grab my stuff." She spoke softly. Tyler nodded. She went to step out of the barn, but she turned around first and pulled a page out of her notebook. The song she had written was for Kate, it wasn't like she knew the next time she'd see her.

She placed it on Kate's books at her workbench before walking out of the house. She grabbed her stuff from her room and walked out to go to Tyler's truck. Part of her didn't want to leave, just wanted to stay, but she was also ready to get back to life- the Wranglers were helping keep her grounded. Now that she was playing music again she felt like that would only help more. She didn't have to keep anything a secret anymore z

Kit hadn't heard when Kate walked out to the barn, but she had. Immediately she walked towards the books she had laid out. Tyler and Kit hadn't left yet which was good for two reasons.

One. She didn't want Kit to leave.

Two. She wanted to build another model, just
    like Tyler had said.

When she walked to the bench to glance at her notes once before she stopped them from leaving, her eyes immediately landed on a torn piece of paper. At the top was something scribbled down.

For Kate.
  
   You've got this. I'm always here.

   XO. Kit

She read the words below the note and her heart swelled. It was a song for her, a song about them. Kit had written a song for the first time in five years, and she'd written it for her.

The sound of Tyler's truck starting grabbed her attention and Kate's eyes widened. They couldn't leave.

She took off running before she could even think. The rain was coming down hard but she didn't care. Tyler and Kit weren't paying attention until she knocked on the window and grabbed their attention. Tyler lowered his window and Kate could see Kit peering over his shoulder.

"You said you could get a new model running?"  Immediately a grin formed on Tyler's face and he glanced back at Kit who was smiling just as wide. He turned back to Kate.

"Yes Ma'am." was all he said.

Kit and Kate's eyes connected. There was a smile on Kate's face that Kit hadn't seen in years. It was hopeful and god - Kit had missed her smile. And Kate? Well, Kate was excited, and now Kit was staying a little longer which meant that Kate still had time to tell her she was in love with her.

Things were going to work this time.

note.

SONGS IN THIS CHAPTER:
  the view between villages — noah kahan

  two chapters in one day because i love kit and kate.
  this isn't my favorite chapter by any means, it kinda feels all over the place. but kate !!! acknowledging !! her feelings!!! i feel happy. i'm so excited.
    to add-tyler telling kate about how he met kate and  her intents was only becuase kit herself had been open about it on youtube. if she hadn't been open about it through that then he wouldn't have mentioned it at all.
   also like i couldn't make myself write a whole song for kate that kit wrote because that's a lot of work. so if you want to imagine a song then i imagine it as one of the following.
     runaways - danielle bradbery
     never left me - megan moroney
     or
     call your mom - noah kahan (the first verse + chorus)
    comment, vote- let me know if you liked it. i am not ready for it to end.