𖣯 ✹ 🌷(úlfheðnar) ꏍ ！┈─❟
╰───►chapter thirty-four; hiccup
❝ stoick's ship! ❞

    HICCUP heard a ringing in his ear; it made everything around him so distant━like he was drifting on a long lost ocean and watching the island get smaller and smaller, quieter and quieter ... his limbs ached━his side hurt from where he hit the ice, pushed aside before he even got the chance to even think. The snow was cold under his fingers, but there was a chill to him that was worse than the ice. Like he should be remembering something, but his mind was so muddled, Hiccup was falling behind, unable to catch up. He felt winded━his breaths ragged and short, but he forced himself to think. What happened? He was standing in front of Toothless, and he was about to fire, and then his dad━

    Part of him jolted. He looked up and back over, heart starting to race as he remembered━and he was suddenly swallowed by that water, the raft he floated away on ducking under with no chance of resurfacing.

     He saw his father; covered in shards of ice on his side. He wasn't moving. His helmet was askew, and his eyes were closed━Hiccup waited for a moment, ready for him to get back up and fix his helmet as he always did, but he didn't. He lied there very still━too still.

      "No," Hiccup breathed, shaking his head. For a moment, he was frozen, unable to take his eyes off the way his father lay━it was unnatural; it wasn't right. His father was never meant to lie so still. "N━no."

     There was another jolt to his system, and Hiccup forgot all about the battle. He forgot about Drago, and the Bewilderbeast, and even Toothless━his eyes tunnelled and all he could see was his father. Stoick the Vast━a man who popped off a baby Nadder's head clean from its shoulders, who cracked a boulder open with his skull when he was just a child. His tall, invincible father━

      Hiccup scrambled to his feet, almost slipping on the ice. "No," He croaked again, finding it hard to speak as his throat seemed to close up. He raced to his father. Perhaps he just needed help. Perhaps he just needed to be shaken awake━how could he get up with that ice keeping him down? Yes, that was it. Of course, that was it.

      He fell to his knees at Stoick's side, hands trembling as he pulled off the shards of ice. Hiccup felt sick━he felt worse than sick. "Come on, come on━" he pushed off the final piece of ice, revealing a grey tone to his father's usual red cheeks. "Wake up," he begged, shaking him a little. "Dad."

      This wasn't working. Hiccup knew what had happened━he knew it deep into his bones, and it made him frantic. He grasped his father's huge arm with his tiny hands, barely able to reach on his knees. "Dad!" He cried, pulling with all his might. He wasn't strong enough. Even now, Hiccup couldn't grab him, he couldn't heave him towards him━Hiccup yelled in his frustration, desperately trying to muster the strength to just see his father's face. To just see that he was all right━he had to be all right. 

      But he couldn't━he couldn't━

     Hiccup fell back, hitting the ice. He sat there, in a daze for a second. He remembered the days he was little, reaching up to try and wake his father before sunrise so they could go looking for trolls. He hadn't been strong enough then, and he wasn't strong enough now. But even then, his father had opened his eyes, and he was annoyed, but never when his son looked at him with wide eyes. And he'd smile and tell him, all right, let's go, yeh wee lad. 

      He didn't do that now. 

      Hiccup tried again. He was growing worse and worse. He could barely see━his eyes blurred with tears he forced back. His words cracked in the back of his throat. "DAD!"

      He didn't realise his mother had joined him, breath hitched with shock. Hiccup barely paid her any attention━why can't he just pull his father upright?! 

     Finally, with her help, his father lied on his back. He did not wake. Hiccup's hope faded away━snuffed like a flame by breath. The truth shattered his bones and his heart, making him limp and frail. He clung onto his father's arm, feeling it colder than anything he's felt before. 

      Valka pressed her ear to Stoick's chest. He watched her, unable to make a word━he saw the slow fall of her face. He heard the weak whimper that escaped her lips as she turned to her husband's chest, closing her eyes. 

      Hiccup's throat hurt. "No," he managed again, barely louder than a whisper. "N━No ..."

      His father was dead. 

      He fell onto his chest. Hiccup gripped the leather of his vest, feeling his entire body shake and tremble as his tears broke through. Part of him still expected a hand to reach up and rub his back━a large hand that could overlap him with a rough voice to say, "I'm not dead yet, son."

      But he was dead. Stoick the Vast was dead. 

      And it was Hiccup's fault. 

     He felt like he was out of his body━watching himself break down onto his father's chest. So apart from the world, and even from himself. Almost as if this was some terrible dream and he'd wake up soon. None of this felt real. Or perhaps he didn't want it to be real. But it was also the most real emotion Hiccup has ever felt━so raw, so painful, so tearing like his heart and his stomach and everything in between was ripped away. His father was apart of him━sure, a troubling part. A part that sometimes wasn't there, that didn't know how to handle his ways or look upon a son so different from him, but a part that changed, that grew, that was supportive in the end. Hiccup's only family for twenty years. That held him at night when he couldn't sleep as they stoked the fire. That helped him nuture a bird back to health. That took him searching for trolls even when he knew full well they didn't exist. Who was there to save his life again and again and again until it got him killed. 

     And Hiccup brought him here. Hiccup didn't listen. Hiccup was the reason his father was ever here in the first place. And he was the reason his father lied here now, gone. His father was gone. 

      A hand was on his back, a body knelt down beside him. Hiccup didn't need to look. As soon as Yrsa's arm wrapped around his shoulders he leant into her. He felt weak and numb━he couldn't hold himself up any longer.  She clung onto him just as tight, a kiss he barely felt pressed amongst his hair. 

      "He's gone," he found himself able to tell her. Hiccup sobbed. "He's gone."

      She didn't say anything. Yrsa kissed his head again and then his temple, her cheeks fresh with tears of her own. She held him tighter and Hiccup grasped her hand, starting to feel his mothers fingers gently trail down his back and hear Gobber's mournful, supressed sobs as he took off his helm. 

      And he heard Toothless. 

      Hiccup blinked back his tears to glance over at his dragon. He looked like himself again, but Hiccup felt sick at the sight. Toothless bowed his head low, carefully walking up to Hiccup's father as if he didn't know━as if he didn't understand what he had just done. It made Hiccup furious. More than that. 

      "No!" He shouted, pushing his dragon away as he tried to nudge his father's arm. Toothless whined, taken-aback. Hiccup didn't care━all he saw was red. "Get away from him!"

      Toothless shook his head. Unsure, he stared back at Hiccup. The Rider couldn't bear it━he couldn't━He flung out his hands, making the Night Fury jump back, scared. "Go on!" he shouted, voice hurting. "Get out of here!" Toothless whimpered. He tried to take a tentative step forward, but Hiccup couldn't let him get anywhere near his father again. "Get away!" 

      His dragon understood this time. He cowered, shuffling back in the snow. Hiccup watched him go, and his heart fell to realise━I just did that to him. I made him scared. 

      "It's not his fault," murmured Hiccup's mother, voice heavy with emotion. "You know that..."

      Hiccup slumped. He knew that. He did know that━

      Yrsa wiped at her eyes, sniffling. Her gaze watched where Toothless had run off, too━where the rest of their friends stood: quiet and still; grey and sullen with tears in their eyes and heavy shoulders. No one knew what to say, or what to do. Everyone never thought that Hiccup's father would perish━they always believed him to be invincible. 

      They had all been naive. Hiccup had been naive.

      He turned back to Yrsa, head settling onto her shoulder. He cried into her furs━he didn't even think he had any tears left, he just trembled and wept with a silent cry that made it hard to breathe. What was he supposed to do now? Where was he supposed to go? For years, Hiccup was able to run away from his problems━search the sky to hide, to let himself breathe. But now, his problems had become real━too real that they scratched his fingers and made him so sick he wanted to lurch. 

     "Good dragons," continued his mother, "under the control of bad people, do bad things."

     The Great Bewilderbeast bellowed into the evening. Hiccup glanced up, and he watched all of the dragons leave. Every one of their own take flight after their new master with no thought, no consideration━they left their riders at their side, confused and slow in shock to try and stop them. They joined the circle, swooping around their king's crown. Hiccup felt Yrsa tense, but she did not move when Helrose turned and left. Her eyes slitted and her wings extended, she launched up into the air. Her rider closed her eyes briefly, but her hand stayed on Hiccup's back. Her fingers still grasped his again. She refused to leave his side when everything else begged her to. 

      Toothless's shriek made Hiccup's gaze snap over. His dragon launched into the air, wings beating only to hit the ground, his tail limp and useless without Hiccup on his back. He was so desperate to reach his master━frantic and deranged in his cries. 

      Hiccup couldn't let himself watch anymore. He couldn't look at his father. He couldn't look at his friends left stranded. He couldn't look at the dragons flocking the Bewilderbeast over the corpse of their dead king. He felt Yrsa settle her head on his shoulder gently, eyes closed and never once letting go of his hand. Hiccup decided to stare at that, watching his tears slowly hit his fingers beside his father's limp body. 

      He did this. He did this.

     "COME ON!" 

     Hiccup jumped. They all glanced up. From the ice, Toothless emerged; he was flying. Hiccup frowned, and then he saw who was on his saddle. Pointing his staff towards his Bewilderbeast, Drago Bludvist bellowed the order: "Gather the men and meet me at Berk!"

    No━his stomach dropped. Hiccup was on his feet before he even could think, "TOOTHLESS!" 

     His mother stopped him, her arms grasping his shoulders to keep him still. Hiccup struggled, helpless as his dragon was forced away; taken under the control by the beast that made him kill Hiccup's father. And Hiccup couldn't reach him━he had pushed him away, thrown him right into Drago's hands.

      "No, don't!" said his mother, pulling him back. Hiccup heaved, livid at the cheers of the men as they docked their ships, ready to head to Hiccup's home. They'll destroy it━leave it to nothing but ashes. 

     And Hiccup could do nothing.

     He was useless. He felt useless. Chief of the Useless━and he couldn't even protect them. 

    All he did was watch. 

𖣯 ✹ 🌷(úlfheðnar) ꏍ ！┈─❟

    A CHIEF'S FUNERAL was meant to be something worthy of his power. They would send him off draped in new clothes on a boat filled with tributes and gifts of equal value to be burned with him to Valhalla by Hiccup's arrow's aim. To pass off the responsibility as not just the eldest son, but his only heir. They would sing, and they would celebrate the chief's life with song and feasts. 

    They weren't sent off like this.

    But they did their best. 

     Hiccup draped his father in ripped and torn sails, holding back tears as he placed his axe and his helmet with him. He clasped his father's drapes with his brooch amongst trembling fingers on a boat ragged and almost destroyed. Then they all gave their chief something of their own. They had no jewells or gold, no rich clothes or amazing weaponry to carry with him to Valhalla. Hiccup couldn't give his father anything more than what he had on him, though he felt like he was passing off his broken heart and soul. 

     He set down the most valuable thing he had in that moment. Hiccup stared at the knife he used to carve his pencils; wrapped loosely in leather and in need of sharpening. He held back tears, fingers running down the engravings he made before carefully placing it beside his father's axe. So small in comparison ... small just like him. 

     After that, the others followed. Hiccup's mother had cut off some of her hair, to give Stoick something of her to take with him. Gobber gave him the mallet he used to fight Drago━what seemed like years ago now, but only just an hour before━with trembling lips and tear-blotched eyes. Astrid passed down the clip keeping her fur hood together. Her blue gaze met Hiccup's sadly as he watched her, then, she stepped forward and gave him a hug. Hiccup melted into his friend's arms, happy that for a moment, Astrid broke traditional rules. She pulled away and gave him a nod through a clenched jaw. He returned it and she stepped back, rubbing Yrsa's arm as she went. 

     Fishlegs sobbed as he gave Stoick the helmet right off his head. Snotlout followed, stepping up to take a moment in silence staring down at his uncle. Hiccup watched his cousin fix Stoick's helmet so it sat straight, eyes red, but he refused to let a single tear fall. He pulled off the ring from his finger, but instead of giving it to Stoick, he held it out for Hiccup to take. He was shocked, but he reached forward and picked it up.

     "That belongs to you," Snotlout told him softly. "Chief."

     Hiccup stared at the Haddock symbol etched onto it. Snotlout took it years ago━not that it held any power, but he kept it because it made him feel strong. It made him feel like he was worthy of respect━most of the time against Hiccup himself. To give it to him, was the kindest thing Hiccup has ever recieved from his cousin. It made him emotional. 

     "Thanks," Hiccup's voice broke off mid-sentence. Snotlout didn't say anything back. He just placed his mallet into the boat and stepped back into the line, letting the Twins take his place. Together, they solemnly passed off a few things: rings from their fingers, Ruffnut's earrings (for Stoick always wanted a pair of rich earrings), and Tuffnut's mace━always a pride and joy of his. Even Eret Son of Eret awkwardly stood forward, clasping off his woollen cloak. He folded it up, freezing cold, and placed it neatly down onto the deck. Hiccup sent him a grateful nod as he passed.

      Finally, Yrsa walked up. She was crying, her hands clenched tight to keep them from shaking. Stoick had become like a second father to her after she lost her own. Hiccup watched her, tearful as she reached into her bag and pulled out an old knife━a home-carved, still-sharp knife wrapped in an old leather hilt. Something her own father made her when she was little. She set it down with ginger fingers, muttering a soft prayer to the gods. Something that wasn't wealthy in creation, but wealthy to her heart. She was giving Stoick something that reminded her of her father━a token of family. 

      Hiccup felt something more that gratitude well up inside of him. He made her stay at his side as the boat was sent off the shore. He wanted her to be with him as he did it━she had become apart of his family long before she even realised it. It felt right for her to help him. For her hand to be beside his as they pushed. 

      And Hiccup watched his father drift off, his heart like led in his stomach. His mouth was dry, his voice hoarse from crying. He remembered standing on the edge of Berk, watching his father lead that army to Dragon Island thinking he was sending him off onto his own death sentence. And now, Hiccup sent him off to Valhalla.

      Gobber passed him a bow and arrow. Hiccup stared at the feather he twisted it in his fingers. 

      "May the Valkyrie's welcome you and lead you through Odin's great battlefield," began Gobber, voice broken and heavy. "May they sing your name with love and fury, so that we might hear it rise from the depths of Valhalla and know that you've taken your rightful place at the table of kings." Hiccup took a deep breath, the heat of the embers beside him. Gobber had to take a moment, and in the silence, Hiccup heard Ruffnut stifle a sob. "For a great man has fallen. A warrior. A chieftan. A father ... a friend ..."

     Another deep breath. Hiccup didn't know whether he could do it. He didn't know whether he could watch it. Every part of him felt heavy like the whole sky had fallen down upon him. 

     But he had to. 

    He couldn't save his father. He couldn't be the man or chief he wanted him to be. He couldn't be the mediator he pledged he was. But Hiccup will get his father where he belonged. He had to be able to give him at least that.

      He fixed the arrow in. Hiccup hovered it amongst the embers, and when it caught aflame, he drew it back, eyeing the boat slowly drifting out into the winter night. Hiccup aimed up to the sky and before the shaking of his fingers would get the best of him, he let go. 

      It few, and it flew. Like a firey star in the sky, arching over the gloomy water and into the ragged boat. Hiccup watched it strike the pyre, numb. Behind him, his friends followed. They set their arrows to the sky, and the flock soared after its new leader, landing to surround it and support it. The fire grew, twisting up the mast and around the sides━Hiccup didn't see the moment his father's body had been engulfed, but he felt it like a burn to his own chest; as if he was there with him. 

      Perhaps that was how Hiccup found his voice to say, "I'm sorry, Dad ..." and he meant it. He meant it so much that his whole body ached with the lament of his sorrows. He didn't realise he still had it in him to shed a tear; a lonely tear, one that trailed down his cheek. "I'm ... I'm not the chief that ... you wanted me to be. And ... I'm not the peacekeeper I thought I was. I ..." Hiccup didn't know what he wanted to say━was there any point? His father could no longer hear him. No one could tell him who he was supposed to be, not even his heart, "... don't know ..." Hiccup's words were left hanging, and he sighed. 

      He heard footsteps walk up behind him. Loving fingers hesitated by his shoulder, until they found his hair, and the touch of his mother made Hiccup close his eyes. 

     "You came early into this world," she told him. He glanced away at the bright light of the ship and into her glistening gaze. Valka gave him a sad smile. "You were such a wee thing ... oh, so frail, so fragile. I feared you wouldn't make it." Her eyes set onto the glowing fire, and they shone like embers. "But your father ... he never doubted." She stepped in front of him, taking his shoulders. Hiccup's brows lifted, breath rising at her words. "He always said you'd become the strongest of them all." She tucked his hair off his face. "And he was right. You have the heart of a chief, and the soul of a dragon. Only you can bring our worlds together. That is who you are, son ..."

      Hiccup frowned to himself, feeling her step aside to let him surge forwards. He set his gaze back onto his father, watching the smoke lift up into the heavens━a father who in his way, had always believed in him. From the moment he opened his eyes, to the moment Stoick the Vast took his last breath.

     "I, uh ... I was so afraid of becoming my dad," said Hiccup, his determination growing as his words flowed out. "Mostly because I thought I never could. How━how do you become someone that great, that ... brave ... that selfless?" A final tear fell. "I guess you can only try."

      And now, Hiccup had to step into his large footsteps. The weight of the world might be on his shoulders but he had to lift it. Drago was on his way to destroy his father's village━Hiccup's village. A village of the strongest and the best of the best, of the young, and the old and even the useless. Hiccup had to protect them all━just as his father believed he one day would.

     He wasn't going to leave them. 

     He set his jaw and narrowed his eyes. Drago was going to pay. "A Chief protects his own," he reminded himself. 

     Hiccup turned back to his friends; his team━his family. He met their eyes, seeing their faces lift and their shoulders square, ready to listen and to follow him. Hiccup settled onto Yrsa's, and he saw nothing less than swelling pride. "We're going back," he told him and Yrsa hitched a smile. 

      The Twins shared a look. "Uh ... with what?" asked Tuffnut.

      "Yeah," agreed Ruffnut, "he took all the dragons."

      Hiccup shook his head, a smirk donning his face as a crazy plan formed within his mind. "Not all of them."

𖣯 ✹ 🌷(úlfheðnar) ꏍ ！┈─❟

    a/n: still sensitive

    still crying pretty much like eight years later. 

    fuk. it's been like eight years since httyd 2 wtf

    stop. stop it. stOP.

    i'm having a crisis now