For the next month or so I wasn't the best of friends. Kageyama was so busy with volleyball all of the time, and it stressed him out to no end. I was off in my own world of puppy love.

I wasn't the best time of my life, though I thought so at the time. I asked Daiki out two weeks after the summer break. Much to my pleasure, he said yes.

We were all so young and dumb. Not fully developed, yet already feeling like the vast world in front of us was far too crowded and small for the big people we hoped to be. Those grand schemes were cluttered in our narrow minds. Desperately we cling to one another, even though we scarcely had room for ourselves.

I wasn't there for him, so I suppose I was to blame for his suffering. He needed me then, and it was cruel of me to have ever been so half-assed in any relationship, especially a friendship.

I wrapped myself in a blanket and leaned against the wall of Kageyama's bedroom and watched him set the ball vertically until it fell into his anxious fingertips and he set it once more. His brows furrowed as if in deep contemplation. He reminded me a lot of a kitten kneading a ball of yarn. I amused myself imagining Kageyama as a bitter grey cat, swishing his tail playfully as he pounced on the ball of yarn.

It was November and chilly. However, the weather wasn't the only thing that had turned cold since the summer break. There was a concentrated hardness in the setter's eyes that I hadn't yet noticed developing. It scared me how someone could go from blissfully oblivious to eerily acute. He lived, breathed, and played volleyball. The cycle continued. Alas, his concentration on school subjects was quite contrary to his enthusiasm for the sport.

"You're going to get premature wrinkles, you know" I chided. He didn't respond, he only continued scowling.

Time passed slowly and the boy, sprawled on the bed, considered to set the ball to its rhythmic "bahm, bahm, bahm" without missing a beat.

"We really should be studying."

Bahm, bahm.

I stared at his hands. He was maintaining them better, knowing I would scold him if he didn't. In the past few months, he had become a sturdier human being. Did he even need me? He seemed just fine, in his room, tossing the ball to himself. He probably didn't even notice when I left, so I thought.

Just like the last time you lose a baby tooth or the last time your parents picked you up as a child, you don't realize it immediately. You don't know it's the end, immediately. After a while it sinks in; you realize that you can live life without these things, but that doesn't mean you don't feel it.

The moment I realized I missed him, was a very peculiar setting. My boyfriend's room had a fresh breeze blowing in through his opened windows, even though it was freezing outside. I was tangled up in his arms, half-naked and in tears.

Daiki was running his fingers through my hair and trying to hush me. He was wearing boxers and a frown. I sniffled into the sheets.

"It's okay." He said, though I could tell there was no emotion behind it whatsoever. "Mai, you don't have to do it if you don't want to." His voice was a whisper, and I had goosebumps. I was a fool. He was always so quiet, I expected him to be more considerate.

"I'm going home," I lied, extruding myself from his arms. I pulled my jeans off the bedroom floor and pulled on my cobalt blue sweater.

Without another word, our relationship ended.

I didn't want to go home quite yet, I didn't want to sit alone in my room and sob until my pillowcase became drenched with tears. So I found myself wandering the streets until dusk. I kept my eyes fixed on the ground, and plodded onward without regard to destination. When I looked up from my feet, I found myself outside an apartment building.

I roamed about, climbing up a few flights of stairs and loitering in front of a few doors before coming to a complete stop. I looked at the nameplate. "Kageyama". Everything was foggy, and I wasn't aware of what I was going to do next.

I raised my arm and held it there for a few minutes before slamming my fist against the door a few times.

A disheveled Kageyama answered the door with a yawn and messy hair. He obviously was half-awake and none too happy that someone had interrupted his afternoon nap. He jolted awake when he saw me there. He opened the door a bit wider and moved to the side to let me enter. While we hadn't necessarily been on speaking terms, but he was the only one I could go to at a time like this. My other friends would have just laughed and asked me why I didn't want to have sex with the guy I was so crazy in love with. Kageyama was neutral, he neither liked nor disliked my relationship with Daiki. He was the only one I could trust to be honest in this situation.

He put on the tea kettle and guided me to the bathroom. He pulled out his softest tee shirt, a hoodie, and a pair of his athletic shorts. I felt so cold. I washed all of the dried sweat and smeared mascara from my skin. I shampooed my hair and let the hot suds wash everything away. Apparently, I hadn't noticed just how hot the shower was, and when I came out, my skin was pink and minorly scalded. I got dressed quickly and towel-dried my hair. Kageyama was waiting for me in his room with two mugs of steaming tea, one being half-drunk, and a plate of rice crackers. I curled up in his bed next to him and wrapped my fingers around the warm porcelain mug. My favorite one, it had Gudetama on it.

He did not ask for an explanation or an apology. He just sat there and let me rest my head on his chest, listen to his steady heartbeat thump.

'bahm, bahm, bahm'

After downing my tea and setting to mug on his desk, I poured my heart out to him. He pulled a blanket over the two of us and listened silently as I told him everything. I confessed how much I loved Daiki, but how sometimes he was too intense in the bedroom. I told Kageyama about how when we made love he said awful things, did awful things, I couldn't stand it. Even if it was only dirty talk and minor bites. Without judgment or comment, he dried my tears and waited for me to finish. I told him I felt useless as a woman. I told him I didn't deserve Daiki.

He threaded his fingers through my hair and massaged my scalp. Kageyama never said anything but grunted occasionally. Maybe he was embarrassed about the subject matter, but he let me get everything off my chest. I had my arms wrapped around him, an ear pressed to his chest.

He was warm and Daiki was cold. I almost felt bad for being in another guy's bedroom, mere hours after fleeing from my boyfriend's. Almost.

I did not fall into hysterics because his heartbeat stayed steady, 'bahm, bahm, bahm'. I fell asleep in another man's arms, into a wordless sleep. One that was blue, and peaceful, and warm.