a/n: THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I ADD AN ACTUAL 5SOS SONG IN THIS BOOK BUT OMG I HAD TO IT FITS SO WELL SORRY NOT SORRY

*Luke's P.O.V*
June 20th

"I remember the day you told me you were leaving, I remember the makeup running down your face. And the dreams you left behind, you didn't need them like every single wish we ever made."

I've played Amnesia ten times in a roll, literally. My fingers are fucked up, my head is fucked up, I am fucked up myself. I've been barely able to eat for 18 days now, I've got bags under my eyes because I can't sleep and when I finally manage to take a nap I dream about us together, I dream that she's back to me; I wake up with a racing heart to a frustrating reality.

I stop for a little, grabbing my phone. Laurel doesn't get my calls or reads my texts. Unfriended me on Facebook. She blocked me on Twitter and unfollowed me on Instagram but her account is now open, which turns it into the only way I can reach her. I'm afraid of sending a message though, she could block me there as well.

I scroll through her photos, my heart aches every fucking time I see her. The latest one is from three days ago, she's on the beach staring at the ocean. On her neck I don't see the necklace I gave her anymore, and it feels like a punch on the stomach. Even though I've seen this photo a thousand times already it hurts to see that she appears to have moved on already. Fucking Austin is back to San Francisco, he got her a cat. She called it Darth Vader. I laugh sadly when I scroll down to her photo with Darth Vader, she's holding him with so much love...

I wish that was our cat.

I feel the tears returning and, as my medicine to avoid them to run down my face, I quickly resume my Amnesia singing.

Quick note: it's 3am.

"I wish that I could wake up with amnesia..." I gasp, feeling the knot in my throat getting stronger. "...and forget about the... the stupid little... things. Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you..." Sniff. "and the memories I never can escape, cause..." I let go of the guitar, pushing it off my lap and hearing its strings complain as it collapses to the ground.

I crawl to my pillow and squint.

"I'm really not fine at all" I finally give in and let the tears flow. It's been several years since I last cried this much. I catch myself humming Hey There Delilah, changing the lyrics like I did once for Laurel. I imagine that she's here, right beside me.

Like all of this was just some twisted dream.

Unfortunately, I open my eyes again and realize I'm alone. We already began the tour, we've played twice in LA and everyone seems to be talking about how much my 'professional level has decreased'. Screw it all.

I stay awake as the sun rises, calming myself in hopes today I'm finally gonna get better.

I check my phone to see the time and my lock screen doesn't make things easier, it's a selfie Laurel and I took one day at the porch, when I was singing Daylight. Her head is on my shoulder and I'm squeezing her tight with a big smile on my face. I miss the legit happiness, recently I've been nothing else than blue.

"I miss you so much..." I talk to the screen. God, I'm going insane.

I hear the door opening, it must be Mary. The steps come upstairs.

"You can go home, Mary, just throw the bottles away first please." I mumble with my face tugged against the pillow.

"Dude, I'm no Mary." Michael steps in. "But you most definitely need her. What the fuck is wrong with you? There are empty bottles of beer all over the floor. This place is a goddamn mess, no wonder you're always losing everything"

"Leave me the fuck alone" I groan.

Michael clucks.

"Not a single chance. You're my friend, we need to talk."

"What do you want me to say that ain't obvious already when you simply look at my face?" I fire. "I'm miserable, I feel like my life makes no sense, I've lost my wills, I don't want to eat, I can't sleep, I cry all the time, I can't sing my favorite songs because they remind me of her, or check my own photos, watch my favorite movies, walk around town, Gosh, I'm even unable to talk to my own parents right now because they also remind me of her!"

I punch my pillow in frustration. Michael sighs, sitting by my side on the bed.

"You're better off without her."

"No I'm not."

"I know."

Then he hugs me, he hugs me tight. I cry against his leather jacket.

"Hey, bro... you never talked to any of us about how you're feeling. We are worried about you, mate. You're going out every night to get drunk, you show up to the gigs completely out of orbit, and who the hell are those girls you were hanging out with on Tuesday?"

I shrug.

"Who gives a damn?"

"Are you going to give up on everything for a woman? What happened to bros before hoes?"

I chuckle, wiping my eyes.

"She isn't exactly a, she is the woman. And I lost her when all I was trying to do was... protect her. Are you gonna judge me for that?"

Michael smiles.

"Of course not. Now I am on your side, I know you loved her to death."

"I still do... Ugh, I can't stand seeing the photos that motherfucking guy posts with her."

"Austin? Has he moved to San Fran yet?"

"Yeah, a while ago now. They've been hanging out a lot lately. Can I ask you something?"

Michael frowns.

"Sure...?"

"Give me your phone"

Michael glances at it and turns his gaze back to me.

"What?"

"I want to check on her Twitter. Please?"

"Dude, why? That's only gonna make you unhappier"

"Michael, I need to" I clench my jaw. "If you're my friend, please give me your phone."

He untrustingly hands me his phone. I instantly go on his Twitter and type Laurel's username.

if you love me let me go, cause these words are knives and often leave scars...

"This tweet is from a day ago. This is a song." I comment, my stomach contracting. "Was that for me?"

"Probably" Michael agrees. "I mean, you've been drunk texting her a lot, haven't you?"

I go on my texts and gulp.

Laurel baby girl olease I need yu

I lov you pleas talk to m

I don't even know what im doin anymor I need u w me

there are sum hot chicks in here but non of them is u

im calinh can u pls pick up I need to talk

I can't stand reading to any more of those texts, they were all sent one day ago, when I last was out to drink.

"Look at where I find myself" I scoff. "At the bottom of the ocean. Yay, Luke, congrats."

I reach out for a bottle of whiskey on top of my nightstand. Michael stops me before I could grab it.

"With that attitude of yours you're only gonna sink more on your own misery. Cheer up!"

I roll my eyes, unbelieving.

"I just lost the woman I love and you ask me to cheer up?! Is this real?"

"Well, I do know that she's not gonna come back just because you're getting drunk all the time" He shrugs. "Please, try. For us, for the fans, for yourself. Staples Center today, you know the time. We're gonna rock, and you'll feel alive again."

Michael pats my back and I sigh, smiling.

"I'll try."

•••

I managed not to drink during the entire day, and at 9pm there I was, well dressed, smelling good, shaved and with a smile on my face.

A fake one, but no one asked.

"Eeey, Hemmo!" Calum smiles, greeting me. "This place is incredibly crowded, today is gonna be--"

"Legend, and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the next word is: DAIRY!" I finish, quoting How I Met Your Mother. Ashton laughs.

"It's good to have you back, bro. Shall we?"

I glance at Michael and he nods at me. I take a deep breath.

"All right, here we go."

We get on stage and I hear the screams. Granted, they always make me smile. We mainly play the songs of the new album but we decided to add some of the old ones. Jet Black Heart, Good Girls, She Looks So Perfect and Try Hard. Four of the most famous, just so the fans never forget.

However, they want more.

I don't know who started the whole thing but in less than 5 minutes the entire crowd was screaming for Amnesia. It would be the last song of the show.

I look over my shoulder to the dudes, and they shrug. My hands start to shake, my breathing gets unsteady and I'm feeling sick. I shoo the bad feeling and give in, though.

Nevertheless, I can barely hold back my tears as I'm singing. I catch sight of this girl on the front row and she looks so much like Laurel that, for a moment, I actually thought it was her. My heart stops and I freeze, thank God it's Calum singing. By the end of the song I'm completely numb. We say goodbye and thank the audience, but to me it's all about muffled sounds and blurred visions. When we get to backstage I lean myself on the wall, breathing deeply.

"Luke!" I hear Ashton calling out. "Are you okay? What's going on?"

"I'm going insane, that's what's going on." I whisper, in between breaths.

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I like writing on Luke's POV more than Laurel's haha oh my God, that's me choosing lanes in author style!

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