22. chapter twenty-two
—guilty pleasures

I TOOK A VERY LONG breath, my mind finally processing what was going on. Josh dragged me along with him. I knew that today was going to be hard, but I hadn't expected for my legs to feel as if they weighed a full ton and a half. I could hardly pick them up fast enough to match the fast pace that Josh was walking in. It almost seemed like he was eagerly waiting to see and talk to her.

I, on the other hand, was not. I wasn't completely sure of my feelings at the moment. After everything that I had happened, I decided that I was going to ignore the fact that the girl I considered my little sister had been ignoring my texts and calls for months now. I wanted to put those thoughts on hold as I processed everything else that was going on in my life.

Obviously, I missed her. I felt like I was missing a part of myself. Most of all, it hurt. The thought of her putting her relationship with my brother in between ours had sent me under a foggy spell that I couldn't get a cure for. I had dealt with enough relationships going to shit, so what was the point of feeling it all at once? I put it aside, but now it's right in front of me, crashing into my chest and waiting to be acknowledged. Fortunately enough, I knew that today was not the day to make it about me, so I was going to pretend that everything was perfect between us.

Later on, when she finally got the guts to apologize, maybe then things between us would go back to normal, but I knew that things didn't always go as planned and I was prepared for it to go bad, doesn't everything go bad at some point?

We were running late, like always, so by the time we finally made it inside the gymnasium, everyone was in their seats even the graduates. It was embarrassing to say the least, but fortunately enough Laurel saved our seats.

We tried our hardest to be as quiet as possible while we made our way towards them. Since they had already started the ceremony, we didn't have much time to say much to each other just a silent wave of excited acknowledgment at Laurel.

Everything about her seemed different and changed. I mean, who wouldn't change after losing someone that important to you? She was hit harder than my own mom. While Laurel's face seemed pale and dim, Alva's was changed in a different way. I couldn't help but wonder what Susannah talked to her about. What did she manage to say that changed the way Alva did things?

I guess, when someone is on their deathbed, you make promises and make sure you never break them. For them. For the friendship you shared with them. For the years you've known them. And at last, for yourself.

What seemed like hours went by as each speaker made their own speech about growth or change. I felt someone watching me. I turned to my left and saw that Belly was looking at me with guilt written all over her face. I kept my eyes and face blank. I didn't think she even deserved a subtle smile.

It was only when I turned to my right that I noticed the two empty seats.

It made my skin crawl. I almost felt guilty about them missing Steven's graduation, but then I remembered that they had an excuse for missing it and I had no part in it and I have to stop thinking that I did.

Soon enough it was Steven's turn to give his speech. I couldn't help but to feel proud of him as I watched him walk up the stage. I thought about our long conversations over the phone when we talked about how we were pushed aside and left forgotten by the other people we considered a part of our family.

At that point in time, it felt like it was just us two, fighting for comfort and familiarity. He brought me along grocery shopping and I brought him along to school. He was just there for me like I was for him. It was something that I will never forget.

"They say that everything happens for a reason. Now, who 'they' are, exactly, is unclear. Maybe a theologian coined it," He paused, waiting for the audience to go silent after their laughs. "Or, I don't know, whoever configured the simulation we're clearly living in. Maybe it was Rihanna. No, no, Rihanna can do no wrong. It was definitely not her. But we've heard it time and time again. It's supposed to convince us, you know, that everything had to happen exactly so, in order to teach us something about ourselves, in order for us to grow and meet our destiny," He chuckled softly. "I think that's BS. I'm sorry, Mom, sorry." Alva turned to Laurel, giving her knee a teasing squeeze. Their relationship also changed. They became closer and each other's best friend all over again, afraid that one might leave the other, again. "You know, breakups don't always lead to breakthroughs. Sometimes a girl dumps you after an awesome summer, and it sucks. And you learn nothing from it, but you eventually force yourself to move on anyway. But then the unthinkable happens, and you realize it's pointless to think of life that way."

The pit in my stomach grew wider and deeper, making it almost impossible to stop my tears from forming. My brain automatically thinks about one of my several visits to see Susannah in Boston.

"Sonny? What are you doing here, sweetheart? Conrad isn't home. He's at school," She tried to rush up from the couch to welcome me with a hug, but she didn't have the strength to. It broke my heart seeing her like this, knowing that her treatments weren't going as we had hoped. I couldn't wrap my head around a reality where she wasn't in it. I wouldn't.

"Psh. Who cares about Conrad? You're the one I'm here to see." I gave her the biggest hug I could muster. She leaned into me. My heart broke a little more.

"Now sweetie, don't make me feel too special."

"Oh, but you are, Susannah."

She scoffed, playfully. "Did your mother make you come because I told her I understood if you couldn't? With school and everything else going on, I didn't want you to feel pressured to come visit me of all people."

"Susannah, I don't need someone telling me to come visit you. I would drop anything if it meant you wanted my simple company," I said, trying to send her a smile, but it turned out to be more of a frown.

"You've grown up to be such a wonderful young woman, Sonny. I am so incredibly proud of you, your accomplishments, and the person you've become." She brushed my hair with her fingers.

I felt myself gravitate towards her, in the seat beside her, my head on her shoulder, feeling her head rest on mine. It was a perfect moment. Between only me and her. I didn't realize then in that moment alone there was something else rooted in the overall feeling of being with her. She was like a mother to me. She has been there for me my entire life, so how will I be able to function without her around?

"You can't leave us, Susannah." I tried to hold in my tears because I didn't want her to cry too. "You're the glue. Once the glue is gone, everything just falls apart. I'll die if any one of us grows apart. Promise me. Promise me you'll do everything in your beautiful power to stay. Please." Obviously, I felt guilty and selfish for making this about me and my feelings, but I couldn't help but make it about me. She has been on my side this entire time, and I had only just realized it. I needed time to repay her.

"I'll do everything in my power, Sonny. Trust me, I don't want to leave any of you behind. Let alone be the reason for making you all grow apart."

"Because everything just happens. You know, good things, bad things, all in ways that you'd never expect. All in ways that are so completely out of your control. It could just drive you insane. There are times where it feels like the world is happening to you, but remember that you are also happening to the world. So don't wait. Make what you want happen. Because tomorrow isn't promised, so you better make fucking sure that you are living today."

Everyone burst into cheers once Steven's speech was finished, myself included. He had a special talent for giving inspirational speeches. He'd given me one the night before a final exam. The boy truly knows how to use his words to inspire.

I screamed for him and his accomplishments, knowing exactly how hard it is doing all of it while going through some tough shit. If there was anyone who deserved this, it was Steven Conklin: the boy who acts as dumb as a rock, but truly has a mind made of gold.

It seemed like he gave each and every one of us a nod of appreciation for being there.

Taylor and Belly ran off somewhere while the rest of us mingled by the entrance. "We're glad you guys could make it."

"We wouldn't miss Coronitas graduation for the world, especially if he takes after me," I teased, easing the tension between us all and the absence of a select few.

"Why do you call him that again? I have never thought to ask," Laurel smiled a genuine smile, which made me smile more.

"Well, his name is derived from the word stéphanos in Greek which means crown. Though, I call him coronita especial, for... actually I will not say why because it will get us both in trouble. Well, we would have gotten in trouble then, but you would have a laugh about it now." I received a glare from both the mom's but a laugh from the dad's.

"Well, I'm even more curious now," Alva insisted.

"Sorry, we swore on oath. I can't say a word." I zipped my lips like it was a very big secret.

It was a long time ago when we were around nine or eight and oblivious to the fact that our actions had consequences. Conrad, Steven, and I were wide awake watching the Wizard of Oz at one in the morning. Steven had gotten thirsty, but went to the wrong fridge. Thinking it was soda, Steven drank a gulp of one of Alva's beers. Obviously, with the taste, he spit it out. It was when I looked at the can and realized how much trouble he would be in if we didn't hide the evidence.

Since Corona is already a beer, I thought that adding especial (Modelo Especial) would add an extra layer to his nickname. Only us three understood the meaning of it. Which never got old.

"I think we should start heading to the restaurant since I made the reservations for a late lunch," John said, trying not to ruin the mood.

We all nodded and made our way to the cars. Eduardo put the GPS on while the rest of us sat in silence.

"Now, that wasn't too bad, was it, Joshua?" My mom said, buckling up.

He let out a groan. "Wait until the awkward lunch we're about to have to finish your lecture," Jo mumbled, his whole body dragging down the seat.

"Yet you were so eager to see her, huh?" I mumbled back, which led him to shove me hard. "I just like to be honest."

"Well, don't be then. I don't wanna hear it." He looked at me like I've reacted to any of my ex's appearance like he had, which I hadn't.

"It's not a bad thing, y'know. You cared for her, you still do. It's normal to feel that way. I won't judge if you do."

"Not even after everything she's done to you?" He looked away.

"When it comes you loving her, I won't be the villain standing in between you two. I'm telling you that what she did to me shouldn't cloud your feelings for her. Don't let it change anything, especially since she never treated you like that."

"It's too late for that, Sonny," he paused. "I can't look at her the same after she broke every promise she made to you."

"Like I said, I wouldn't be mad if you didn't."

The rest of the ride was silent and awkward for the both of us. Alva kept going on about how mature we've become because we were setting aside our personal feelings to be there for Steven.

Josh and I stayed silent, only nodding if she turned back to look at us. It wasn't a lecture, but by the way it made me feel, it sure felt like one. I was afraid of the pit in my stomach getting too big and too hard to handle on my own.

That's when I felt it. Josh's hand locking with my wrist. I didn't have to look at him to know that he was telling me that he was there. That alone made me want to cry, but instead I just swallowed it down and squeezed his wrist in return as a thank you. I wanted to give him a hug, but that would grab too much of my mom's attention.

AUTHORS NOTE:
i promise it gets interesting, just like it be boring first because it'll get heartbreaking FAST.

- ria <3