23. chapter twenty-three
—cookies and lies

I REMAINED WITH TWO tightened fists. I knew for a while that I was holding in a lot of anger, but I didn't realize how angry I was with how everything turned out. I have always loved being right, so I never thought that I would ever wish I was wrong about something this much. I hate how divided we have all become. It feels like a knife keeps stabbing me in the chest over and over again until one day I just can't live with it anymore. I think that today might just be that day.

Belly decided she wanted to sit across from me for lunch. I could feel as the anticipation grew in her stomach, waiting for me to look up at her and say something. Little did she know that I wasn't going to be the first to break the stillness and uncomfortable silence between us. Our relationship changed because of her, so I was going to wait for her to change it back, no matter how long it was going to take her to own up to it.

As much as I missed my best friend and my practically little sister, I needed to do this because then she'd think doing these things was okay. I will not tolerate that. Not ever. I know my worth and I won't let someone treat me like that.

I had finished my food a while ago, but everyone still sat at the table talking about things. It was impossible for me to finally converse with them because I had no idea what they were talking about since I had zoned out a long time ago.

One thing that did catch my attention was Steven saying, "Yo, this is dope. I'm going viral on TikTok."

"Is that a good thing," John asked, who always seemed clueless about new slang or trends going around.

"What, millions of people around the world watching my speech in a loop? Yes, Dad, that is a very good thing." Steven continued to look down at his phone, smirking like he was the coolest guy in the world. "I gotta forward this to Con and Jere, man."

I turned to look at Belly and she had done the same, it didn't take long for me to look away. There seemed to be an awkward silence after Steven mentioned them.

It was cut short by our waiter, who was coming by to give us our check. "It's actually meant to be all of us together," Laurel said to the waiter.

"Nope, I told him to do this for us. Steven is on our tab."

"But, Alva—"

"No buts. I know me and Beck already had a present waiting for him, but I wanted to do this too." She looked at Eduardo for a second before saying, "We wanted to do this."

Laurel pretended to be mad for a few seconds before letting out a small smile. "Thank you."

The waiter was still standing there, waiting to see if it was okay for him to leave. "Anything else?"

"Oh, uh, I'm sorry could I get a box for all of this," Steven asked, still looking down at his phone, which only made me roll my eyes. Rude.

Alva passed everyone their fortune cookies with a smile still on her face. With everything that happened, Alva was having too much of an easy time with everything. Yes, it made everyone feel relieved to see that she was doing okay, but it worried me. She lost her best friend and yet she acts as if everything was perfect.

"Thank you," we all said.

Belly was the first to announce what was on her fortune. "Happiness is an activity," She laughed with everyone else.

"Um, okay."

"Yeah."

I finally looked down at mine and opened it. When I saw the words, you will always be surrounded by true friends, I let out a loud laugh. I couldn't help but look up and see that Belly was looking at me and so was everyone else, waiting for me to share my fortune.

"You love peace." I faked a laugh, the lie going straight through my teeth. I knew that if I were to tell the truth about my fortune, it would only come bite me in the ass. I hate drama even if I do love being dramatic.

"I don't see what's so funny," Steven says with a blank expression, which only makes me hit him in the arm.

"Okay, let's hear yours, then," I teased back.

He opens his, and confidently says, "everyone agrees you are the best."

"As fortunate as you might be, you're not lucky enough to get that as a fortune," I said, reaching for his paper, but he was too fast and held it over his head.

"It's so random. Yeah, it literally says it right here." He points to the paper, but doesn't actually show me. "It literally says it right here. you want to see it?"

"Yeah, whatever." I give up and cross my arms across my chest, defeated.

"I know we keep telling you. We're so proud of you. You're gonna have the rest of your life at Princeton. Right, Laur?" John smiles so much that it kind of makes me feel proud too, almost forgetting that I was supposed to be mad at him.

"Yeah, I loved college. That's where I met my girls," Laurel said with a smile, but it falls as she realizes the impact of her words. My mom goes to hold her hand, squeezing it.

Everyone was caught off guard by the mention of Susannah. She still seems to be rough—I don't like thinking of her as a subject, but I'm not sure what else to use—to be brought up, we are still sore and we weren't ready to get over the pain just yet.

John, being the only one to think of a subject change, says, "so, how are things going with your book?"

Laurel finally decides to speak again. "My publisher is hounding me to do this meet and greet event with booksellers. I said no."

"Why," he and my mom ask at the same time.

"Because it's not necessary," Laurel said, harshly and clearly not wanting to talk about it right now, in front of everyone.

"Okay, uh well, it's time for me to go get ready for the party. Mom, mwah. Dad, mwah. Thank you for lunch, Alva and Eduardo." Steven didn't seem to want to witness something as sacred as this conversation.

"I'm gonna go with him. Uh, it was delicious. Thank you." Belly quickly got up too.

"Have fun, kids," John said.

"See you at home." Laurel smiled so softly it seemed like it hurt.

"Yup." Steven turned towards me and josh. "You two coming with us?"

Jo shook his head. I almost did too, but I knew that he wasn't really asking. It was more of a notice before he dragged me with him because he wanted me to go to the party whether I wanted to be there or not. I hadn't gotten time to question him why he was in such need of my attendance to a high school party. Funnily enough, I felt too grown for it.

"Sure," I dragged it out, feeling exhausted already and the night hadn't even begun. I stood up, crumpling up my fortune so much that it was barely noticeable and then leaving it on the table.

I waved and thanked them for lunch, then I followed Steven out to his car.

"Why do you want me to go anyway? I haven't been to a high school party since last year."

"Stop complaining." He opened the passenger door, which I found quite adorable that he would do that for Belly, but it was only when he looked at me that I realized that it was for me. "I'm only doing it because I'm afraid that once I turn my back on you, you will run away. I will not let that happen."

I groaned dramatically, making my way into the seat.

"And the answer to your question, you've been too cooped up in your dorm studying for exams and all your final assignments that you didn't get to go to that party."

"How did you know about that?" I gave him a questioning glare.

"Cecilia texted me. She was very persistent in making sure that you were actually coming to my party." He sat in his seat like I shouldn't be questioning him about how he talks to Cecilia outside of me.

I'm not sure if I'm a fan of that thought, but honestly, "why am I not surprised?" I don't understand why she thinks that me going to a party will fix everything.

"She's worried about you and simply wants you to have fun," Steven said, pulling out of the parking spot. "I hate to admit it, but so am I—"

"Let me stop you there and no, I will not be commenting on your hate to admit comment, as much as I want to. Ever since my dad, I haven't gone out of my way to attend a party. So, don't worry about me." I jokingly shoved his shoulder, which only led to him rolling his eyes at me. "I mean it, don't worry about me."

He glances at me before he turns his gaze back to the road. "It's kinda hard not to when you're acting like this."

"I'm not acting any differently."

He didn't have to elaborate for me to know what he meant. He's talking about Belly.

"I don't want to talk to you anymore."

"Sonny—"

Before he could say anything else, I turned my body towards my door and it was enough to let him know I was done talking to him. I seriously couldn't believe that he was pinning this on me like I had been the one to ignore her these past few months. I wasn't having it one bit because it was him I would turn to when I wanted to talk about something I would usually tell Belly. He didn't mind because he would talk to me about the things he would tell Conrad or Jeremiah since they weren't responding to him either.

I thought we understood one another, but I guess I was wrong about that too.

"I know you're mad at me, but are you really covering your eyes? You've seen me in less." I was laying in his bed on my back with my eyes closed. My hands were by my sides and I haven't said a word to him since the car ride.

I haven't said anything because he really pissed me off and I'm sure I will go off if he manages to make me speak.

"Sonia, you cannot actually be giving me the silent treatment on my graduation day." He sounds teasing, but he seems pretty disappointed in himself for making me upset. "I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't have mentioned it in front of her. And I'm sorry for making it seem like it's your fault. I know that it's not."

"You have too much of a big mouth and not big enough of a brain." I finally open my eyes, but stay on my back.

"I was literally valedictorian."

I sat up in a rush, not believing that he brought up the most obvious thing ever. "So was I, so that proves what exactly, that you're book smart?" He shakes his head while he chuckles, knowing I'm only teasing.

"What does that say about you?" He teases back.

"Well, I've been told I'm both, so it practically means I'm a genius. Thank you very much."

He doesn't say anything, which makes me realize that he thinks I'm pretty intelligent.

"I've always looked up to you, you know?"

"Nah, you were too busy worshiping Conrad," I said. It didn't take too long for us to process what had just come out of my mouth, my smile faded and we both grew quiet. It isn't often that I mentioned him so casually. Not after everything. Steven makes sure not to bring him up in conversations, but there are times that he can't help it. I try to tell him I'm okay with talking about him, but he says he doesn't believe me.

Still, even with everything going on, I didn't expect it to be just me and Steven. I can't bear the thought of him being there without me.

Suddenly, with the mention of him, I couldn't help but to think about him and how we were.

My mind goes completely silent when I hear his whisper in my ear, "I wish you were here."

It been too long since I've seen him. Months without having his lips on mine and his voice and breath on my ear. I've been so busy with school that I haven't had the time to go see him or have him come see me. For whatever reason, I fear that having him here will make me want to forget about school all together, which is not what I want.

But I really want to see him. Really bad.

"Me too," I whispered back. My head hung back, my heart clinging to his words like they were our last.

I was getting used to his company. It was scary to think about. Not having him on the phone while I did my homework for my classes. Giving each other feedback on our essay's that were due. On days that we were busy doing other things, they felt weird and gloomy. I wanted to be back at my dorm, with him in my ear or on speaker. It was often hard not to tell him everything that happened throughout my days and it was hard to get him to stop talking about his, not that I didn't want to hear about his day.

It was a routine. One that I surely didn't want to get rid of.

"Sonny? Hello." Steven was waving his hand in front of my face. It didn't take long for me to slap it out of my way.

"Don't do that." I said, lying back down.

"Sorry, but as I was saying, looking up to the older kids is normal. I looked up to you, still do. I used to dream about having my mom brag about my grades and awards that I would have won. Just like I admired the way you could read for hours and not get bored of it."

"Look at you, all grown up and mature. Also, being Valedictorian and getting into an Ivy," I paused, realizing how sappy we've gotten. "I guess I wasn't such a bad influence after all."

"Sonny, let's be honest here, you were never a bad influence." He chuckled like I had just lied.

"Sure, care to show me the scar you got after we jumped a fence."

"We were playing tag and I was not about to be it for the millionth time." We laughed and it somehow felt like summer all over again. My stomach felt the same as when I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe because one of them said something so outrageously funny.

"I know that we've talked about it enough, but I'm glad that it's you that stuck it out with me. You better come visit me while you're in Princeton. We're gonna be so much closer than we've ever been."

Steven scoffs as if he's offended that I even considered him not being there and visiting me. "I was going to visit whether you wanted me to or not. I can't believe you thought I'd abandon you, Sonny."

"I was going to do the same, so I'm glad we're on the same page," I said, which was basically the equivalent of me saying, "I appreciate you saying that."

"So, are you going to change or..." Steven looked at me like I was in a clown costume or something.

"You're saying that as if I look bad, which I know is not the truth." I was wearing a blue sundress with very comfortable sandals. I had gotten a bunch of compliments from my mom and Laurel which was enough to tell me I looked good.

"That's a graduation ceremony outfit not a grad party outfit."

"What would you know about outfits?" I sat up again to see that he's wearing a dark gray Princeton t-shirt and black shorts. That alone makes me want to laugh, but I don't. "I really shouldn't be taking advice from someone who is wearing the most basic outfit ever."

"That doesn't mean that I don't get fashion." He tapped his finger on his chin while he analyzed me. "I know that girls don't wear sundresses to any high school party."

"Good thing I'm not in high school anymore."

"Neither am I."

"Whatever..." I glared at him before I asked, "what do you expect me to wear then? It's not like I have extra clothes. I left my things in the car."

"You'll definitely fit into Belly's clothes." He dragged me from his bed and into Belly's room, which awkwardly enough, Taylor was there too.

"Sonny!" Taylor got up from Belly's desk to come greet me with a hug. One I couldn't easily return. Not after she has ignored my texts and calls almost as much as Belly has. "It's been forever." I tapped her back a few times before I pulled away.

No matter how hard I'm trying to be mature, I can't help but feel like acting as if I'm eight all over again. "I wonder why," I mumbled with my arms crossed to ease how much I was shaking from anger.

"What?" Taylor said, with a smile, completely ignorant about how much they both pushed me away affected our friendship. I can't cherish how important we are for each other anymore. Not when they clearly don't care about me as much as I do them.

"I said, it's nice to see you." I finally got the chance to smile at her in my fakest smile I have ever done. No matter how angry I was at them, I couldn't get myself to be an ass. I still care about them too much.

"So," Steven began, trying to ease my anger. "Sonny forgot her clothes in Alva's car and she can't wear that to my grad party."

Taylor nodded, not agreeing but only making sure that Steven knew she was listening. "You look stunning in your dress, Sonny, but I do see what he means. He wants you looking hot."

"Well, I didn't say that—" Steven looked at me shocked and awkwardly. I couldn't help but laugh.

"We can do that," Taylor said.

"Great, I'll be in my room." Steven walked out of the room then, leaving me stranded by myself in a room with girls I don't even recognize anymore.

"I think I'm just going to wait for Alva to come back with my stuff," I said, pointing at the door and almost making a run for it.

"They said they were going shopping afterwards," Belly rushed out before I could leave. "They might be a while."

"Yeah, we might've left by that point," Taylor said, not exactly aware of how bad I wanted to leave. "Plus, we'll have extra time to catch up before you leave back home. You have got to tell me all about your New York City life."

She headed towards Belly's closet, almost like she already had something planned for an exact moment like this. "I need to see you in this skirt." She pulled a red floral patterned maxi skirt that I actually found cute. It reminded me of a skirt I have pinned on pinterest. "Belly and I found it while we went thrifting, but we didn't quite like how it looked on us. It definitely fits you so much better."

"It'll look so good on you." Belly smiled.

I didn't say anything. I simply kept my mouth in a straight line while I waited to see the top they paired it with. Taylor handed Belly the skirt and went to find the top, but in the process she stopped at a shirt I couldn't quite miss. Jo's favorite gray cousin's t-shirt. He used to wear it for a week straight after coming home from Cousin's as we settled into our normal. Obviously he washed it, but it was hard to miss my little brother wearing the same shirt for seven days.

Last year, he hadn't worn it at all. I had assumed that he left it at the beach house by accident, so I didn't question it. But now, as I look at it while it hangs in Belly's closet, I know the real reason why I didn't have the chance to make fun of him for it. I never thought he would ever give that shirt to anyone since he doesn't even let me touch it.

For a second, I find it quite cute, then the next it makes me angry. So angry that I'm willing to walk away from them, but I don't because I know it'll cause more damage than it'll solve.

Taylor then awkwardly continued looking through Belly's closet. She squeals once she finds the black lace, with a very low v-neck top that has a floral texture. It wasn't noticeable enough that it clashed with the skirt.

I tried not to look excited because they knew exactly what they were doing.

"Wouldn't it go so nice with your mary jane's?" Taylor squealed again, making Belly hand me the top and skirt. "Hurry and go put it on!"

I only nodded, finally walking out of Belly's bedroom and into the bathroom. Once I was finally inside, I was allowed a deep breath. I hadn't realized how hard that was going to be. I hated how hard that was. I never expected this to happen to us, especially with Belly. I wanted to crush her into a hug and never let go.

The last time I'd seen her was Susannah's funeral. By that point, Belly and Josh were drowning in their own grief that their relationship wasn't their top priority. I was able to give her a hug and we were able to talk freely. Now, it feels like it'll never be the same.

I don't think I can take it any later, but I'm too stubborn to let her silence be enough to make me forgive her.

AUTHORS NOTE:
i'm not sure how i feel about this chapter but it's whatever. hope you enjoyed this one!

- ria