16. chapter sixteen
—and there it is

I COULDN'T HELP BUT groan, covering my ears as the pounding on the door continued. My eyes weren't even open, yet the sun blinded my eyes. I wasn't in the right mindset yesterday. I had completely forgotten to close the curtains before I had fallen asleep. My fingers rushed to my temples as the pounding moved towards my head, memories making their way back to me in flashes. I hesitantly made it up from bed as the door opened even before I could utter a come in to whoever was outside the door.

"It's me sweetheart," Susannah said, in her cheery tone. She opened the door, poking her head into my bedroom. "Go on and get yourself even prettier than you are now. I want to paint your picture today." She had her regular smile plastered on her lips. It was a normal thing, her smile, but I couldn't help but feel like there was something wrong.

I nodded. She sent me an air kiss and closed the door behind her.

I sat there for a while, not sure of how I would feel if I saw him right now. It was early, seven in the morning to be exact. I doubted he was awake, so I made it out of bed and into the bathroom.

It didn't take me that long to get ready. Susannah had mentioned she wanted me to wear the dress I had bought for myself the day we went shopping. I had bought myself one and she had bought the other that I was going to wear for the deb ball. Of course after a long argument where she had wanted to buy both of them, she and I agreed that she could buy the most expensive one and I'd buy the other.

I sighed again, completely speechless that it hasn't been that long since the shopping day, yet so much had changed, in not so good ways. I wasn't sure where me and Conrad stood, and it was all my fault. All because I couldn't use my damn words, not forgetting the fact that I know a lot of those.

I couldn't look him in the eye which meant that I didn't see the expression on his face, but I'm sure it would've hurt if it was a good or bad one. I don't think I am in a good enough place to where I could fully open myself up romantically without having another panic attack. The thought alone makes my heartbeat speed and my blood rush. Being friends and being open with one another seems much easier. I want something easy right now. I needed to stay in contact with my dad, and I needed to try to enjoy the summer before things went along and changed some more. I was going off to college in New York City, away from everyone and everything. I need this summer to be one with less drama since I've had a lot of that recently. This is what I needed.

So, why was it that my heart was fighting with my head? They were arguing with each other and I seemed to be on the sidelines watching them go head to head.

I groaned again. I needed to figure out what I wanted before I went around fucking everything up.

Susannah had me holding a bouquet of lavenders, practically the same ones I had for my quince, while looking to the left. She was sitting down, dabbing her paint brush onto the canvas in a concentrated haze. She didn't really seem to be there. It was like her head was up in the clouds.

I stood there impatiently. It didn't take a genius to know that it was that time of day where everyone else was waking up for their start of the day. I didn't want to be near the house during that. I wanted to be out in the water, but here I was, moving my feet every minute, anxiously waiting for Susannah to be done.

"What's got you all riled up, hm?" Susannah said, in her gentle and soothing tone. She finally looked up from her work. She had a playful look on her face. Her smile radiating towards her prominent, but beautiful, smile lines. "It doesn't have anything to do with that Griffin boy, does it? I know his mom, I'll have a talk with her if that's what it is..." She watched me carefully, noticing that my lips didn't curl up as they usually did. She simply knew all the things I didn't want her to know at a single glance.

"I know that talking isn't really your thing, so how about I do most of it, hm?" She didn't wait for me to respond, before she was already talking. "I remember when things were a lot simpler than they are now. A time where Alva, Laurel, and I didn't have to chase you guys around, worried if you had inhaled too much sand or not. A time when it was just the three of us. No husbands. Just us. It's bittersweet to look back at that now because things have changed drastically, but I wouldn't change it for the world. My boys and my girls." She pauses for a second, too deep in thought to even notice it. "I hope that one day you all experience a love like no other, but if for whatever reason, there is something or someone that is holding you back from that love, I want you to think about me and my words.  You deserve every love gesture, love confession, love letter, anything to do with love because as much as you don't believe it, the person that is making you rock in your feet, cares as much or even more than you do. Don't, not even for a second, believe that you're not worthy of their love, sweetheart, because I think that there's a lot more than what meets the eye. You should know that by now."

"I love you, Susannah, so much," I said. "I would give you the biggest hug ever, but if I do, I don't think I'd ever let you go."

"I love you too, sweetheart." She laughed.

"No, really. I cannot even begin to describe how grateful I am to be in the presence of someone as remarkable as you. Alva got lucky with you. You're absolutely amazing."

"I don't think she would agree with that right now," she said, her eyes growing wide at the thought.

I gave her a look. "If she doesn't, then she's crazy for not seeing it because I am very happy to have you around."

"I'm only saying it because Alva and I kind of got into it yesterday." She chuckled when she saw my face. "We didn't lay a finger on each other, we just got into an argument..."

"About what? You guys never fight." It was rare when the moms fought. The summer house wasn't a place for fights. It was a place full of love. Well, excluding Belly and Jo.

"About you." She looked away when she said it. I wasn't sure how I felt about it at that specific moment, but by the look of it, Susannah expected me to be angry. I wasn't. "She told me about your argument and I couldn't hold myself back. I had to say something. I just couldn't get your words out of my head and I exploded—"

I felt my arms wrap around her neck in seconds. "Thank you." I whispered. "No one has ever fought for me like you have."

"What did I say?" Susannah gave me a look.

"I am worthy."

"Say it louder."

"I am worthy!" I laughed.

"You are so worthy." Susannah repeated. "Now, how about I finish the rest of the sketch before I let you go to do what you have planned for today?"

"Sounds like a plan." I finally sent her a real smile.

Not too long had passed, but right in front of me stood Laurel and Alva. Laurel had two coffees in her hand while Alva had one. They both didn't know who to look at or what to say, but I knew that I needed to get out of there in order for them to sort out whatever they had going on.

For some reason, though, Laurel gave me a reassuring smile.

"Can we finish this up later, Sonny," Susannah asked even though she knew that I was desperately trying to get out of there too.

I simply nodded, sending a smile to Laurel. She said, "you look beautiful sweetheart," as I walked off towards the house not even glancing towards Alva. My blood was boiling as I remembered our argument from yesterday.

"Thank you," I chimed back with my jaw locked.

I was in such an angry haze that I hadn't realized I was already closing the back door behind me. I finally focused my attention on the fact that Conrad was right in front of me. He was sitting on the island, his hot cup of coffee in his hands. I tried to follow his eyes, but they were looking at nothing. His mind might've been off somewhere else too because he didn't even turn to look at who had walked in.

"Good morning," I said as I did every morning, but this time I sounded a little off. My voice wasn't cheery. Nothing about right now made me feel cheery. I didn't even feel like pretending, but here I was, like always, trying to pretend. What I wasn't sure of was if Conrad believed in my faking. Did he know? Or was I kidding myself about him knowing the ins and outs of me.

Conrad slightly jumped. He sighed deeply, before turning towards me. His head did a one-eighty, eyes falling down and then coming back up to my face again. I tried to read his expression but my mind couldn't help but be consumed by the recognition of the same feeling of butterflies in my stomach. There was no one in this universe that could make me feel this way. Except for him. Conrad Fisher.

"You look—"

"Ridiculous." I finished for him. "I didn't even dress this nice for my senior prom. Susannah is really going all out for these paintings."

"When will she not go all out?" Conrad chuckled lightly. I couldn't help but chuckle too.

"And we love her for it," I added.

"We do."

There was a short silence. I wanted to fill it, so I reached for his cup of coffee, but he pulled it closer to him. "I made you your own coffee. It's in the fridge. You've always despised hot coffee, so I made you iced."

I stared at him blankly. I didn't know what to say. He had once again left me speechless. He knows me. I know it's just coffee, but my heart is telling me that it's more than that.

"Speaking about prom," Conrad began. "I had been meaning to ask you about how that went. Mom couldn't stop talking about how... how beautiful you looked. She even showed me the pictures. The ones by yourself and the ones with your... date."

"Well, it was a school function, so there's that." We both laughed awkwardly. At least he understood how I felt about my school. What I didn't understand was why was he asking about Dustin? I haven't spoken to him since then. Not that Conrad knew that. "Dustin was very sweet the whole night, up until he ditched me for his friends, so maybe he wasn't sweet after all. I swept the whole situation under the rug because it allowed me to spend the rest of my night with my two best friends. With them, the whole night seemed to turn into a magical wonderland."

"Like the theme?"

"Exactly." I smiled, but it soon faded, not for a bad reason. How did he know that? Unless he had asked Susannah, or any of the mothers. "The whole prom date was a bad idea anyway. The initial plan was for all three of us to go together, but Dustin's promposal was cute and so misleading."

"But you enjoyed it," he paused, "your prom, not the whole date bailing thing."

I nodded. "The food was terrible, but being there with Tori and Ava was a night to remember."

"I'm glad." He smiled. It was a fake one. He looked down at the flowers in my hands. "I see that your favorite flower hasn't changed."

"Nope." I set the bouquet on the island and opened the fridge to grab my coffee. "Where is everyone anyway?"

"Steven, Josh, and Belly are at rehearsals. Jeremiah is just now heading to work, late."

My mind flashed back to yesterday at the deck. "You wouldn't believe what I saw yesterday."

Conrad gave me a confused look. "What?"

"Jo and Belly having a civil conversation on the deck." My jaw dropped in a dramatic manner.

"No way." Conrad played along, his mouth dropping too.

"I'm being serious." I nudged him with my elbow. "They were really close to each other, talking about something that I'd actually kill to find out what exactly it was. I just- I didn't see it before. They'd be perfect for each other."

"How?" His eyes widened, amused by my theories.

"I don't know!" I laughed. "It just makes sense."

"They hate each other so much that they have only ever called each other by their first names. No one calls Belly by her first name. Not to mention, they've never actually held a conversation without getting into some sort of fight. How does that just make sense?"

"Belly doesn't actually hate him." I corrected.

He gave me a questioning look.

"Don't question me!"

He lifted his hands in defense. "I won't."

"You just, you wouldn't get it," I paused, my eyebrows furrowed, "he's been so distant with us, with me especially. He has had these impulses to just completely do everything he would have never done two years ago. He failed three of his classes last year, he's no longer an honor student, and if he doesn't improve, they're not going to let him be team captain of the school's varsity soccer team because he's not leading a good example. He is so close to losing his scholarship to his school too. Alva and Eduardo may work there, but there's only so much that they can do."

"So you think that if—"

"No, Belly isn't going to magically make him better, that's really not her job. I think that if there's someone there, besides me and Alva, he might just want to do better. His ego will be bruised if he doesn't." I paused, processing what I just said. "He's a weird kid."

He chuckled. "That's Josh for you."

"I just want us, him and I, to go back to normal." I sighed. "Not that our normal was normal."

I notice the pile of dishes overflowing the sink, so I begin washing them.

"Why is that?"

"It's stupid." I mumbled, shaking my head.

"The only stupid thing that you could do is washing the dishes by hand when there is a literal dishwasher." He joked, making me laugh.

"Alva doesn't believe in dishwashers," I added, "so, I don't really like using them either."

"You don't like dishwashers?"

"Isn't that what I just said?"

"Wow."

"What?"

"I haven't heard sass come out of your mouth in ages."

"Well, there's no one out there that is capable of bringing out the sass in me, just you."

"Is that supposed to be a compliment?"

"Nope."

"Sure," he remained composed, but a smile snuck a way onto his lips. "Also, don't think that changing the subject saved you from telling me that stupid thing."

I sighed again, anxiously awaiting for my heart to start beating out of my chest, but nothing. I remained calm and comfortable. "I've always seen him as the golden boy. Perfect family, perfect life, perfect everything. There's part of me that has always resented him for it. I have done everything in my power not to show it because he has no control over what family he was born into. I think what really made all the feelings rise was the fact that Alva thought him and Eduardo enough, but not me and my dad. I have always pushed him away, afraid that I might say something that would hurt him... I can't explain it..."

"Like Alva has hurt you?"

"Exactly." I watched him carefully, surprised that he understood it. All the fucked up things that went through my head, all of my fucked up feelings, he tried his best to understand. He even sent me a reassuring glance to make sure that I knew that he wasn't judging me and was grateful that I trusted him enough with my feelings.

"My grandma, abuelita, she was the one person who made me feel welcome in that house, so when she was gone, it felt so lonely," I automatically felt guilty for saying it. "I mean, Josh is just a naive kid, I really don't expect him to understand. But when Alva just shoved her death in my face yesterday, telling me that she's all I have and that I'll just have to deal with it. It angered me. She doesn't see what she's doing to me. She continues to stab and stab; one day it'll go so deep that I won't be able to stand it. I'll go off to college and I'll never come back. I'm afraid that I'll happen. I don't want to lose her, but at the same time it's like..."

"Like you never had her in the first place." He finishes again.

I nodded as I continued to wash the dishes by hand, unable to say a single word. And Conrad Fisher does it again.

It hung over the both of us, it crept down our bodies and met at our chests. My heart anticipated for the moment one of us brought it up. If he was going to ignore what had happened yesterday, should I ignore it too? Was it so easy for him to ignore it because for me, it was hard not to think about our almost kiss. The one I had rejected. The one I have been trying to convince myself I didn't want, but it wasn't so easy to cover up the sudden feelings that consumed the entirety of my body. I have never felt this way for anyone before and it scared the living hell out of me. It could've been anyone in Cousins, even Leo for god's sake, but it just had to be the one boy I couldn't hide things from.

Out of nowhere, I had ministered all the confidence that I needed to say it out loud, especially since it was obvious that he wasn't going to be the first to mention it. "So, are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?" That made him turn stiff and gray, then he jumped and spilled his coffee, scared by the sudden vibration of his phone. Someone was calling.

"Shit," he mumbled, yet he looked relieved that something had interrupted. "It's Cleveland— it completely slipped that I have to go meet him for a lesson. And I'm late." He put his mug inside of the sink, adding, "don't worry about cleaning that, I'll clean it later, with the dishwasher." He teased, not acknowledging the look on my face.

He rushed out of the front door, coffee still staining parts of his shirt and pants.

I just stood there, completely stunned at how smooth he got out of my question. I wasn't going to give it up though, I needed to know.

For closure, of course.

I finally grabbed my phone, annoyed that my phone hadn't stopped ringing for the past few minutes. I was currently reading the book Tori swore up and down was the best book ever written, and well, she wasn't completely wrong, but I could name a few that could probably top it.

It was Leo.

paris boy 🐞🐈‍⬛

i was thinking about going
to the beach
do you want to come?
maybe i could finally teach
you how to surf?
it'll be fun
?

sure!!

okay!
see you in 10

I rubbed my eyes with my fingers. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I keep digging and digging myself graves. I don't have the heart to tell him that I have known how to surf this entire time. I mean, it's a harmless lie. It's not going to harm anyone if I pretend to fall off a surfboard for a couple hours.

I have always been a confrontational person, except for when it came to Alva. Then all of a sudden, I was confronting the one person I was afraid of and now I can't confront others?

I had all of my things ready for my surfing lesson when the doorbell rang. No one was in the house, so I knew that it had to be me who opened the door for Leo.

I made sure I had everything I needed and went downstairs to open the door.

"Are you excited!" Leo barged into the house. "You have been waiting for a lesson for three years."

"Yeah," I smiled, forcibly. Maybe this was going to be harder than I thought. "Like it's the only thing that has been on my mind since then," I muttered.

"Sorry," Leo asked.

"I didn't say anything." I sighed with the smile still on my lips. "I actually have something I need to do later, so we kind of have to make this quick. All of the surfboards are in the back."

"Oh, well you can't speed up surfing lessons. It takes time to learn how to surf." He followed me to the back door. "It actually took me a week to actually stand up on the board."

"I'm a fast learner." I said, my back to him.

We finally made it to the back. I let Leo choose a surfboard for me. He chose Conrad's.

He spoke to me as we walked down the beach, but by that point I had completely drowned him out as he explained what we were going to do.

Leo was a talker. He found it hard to stop. Even when he didn't have anything good or important to say, he continued to blab about absolutely nothing at all. I don't blame him, especially when you've been shut out your entire life, you kind of have to find time to talk or else you'll never get a word out.

"Like this?" He was teaching me how my posture should be while on the board. I was finding it quite hard not to correct him. He was doing it all wrong.

"Actually," he made sure it was okay to put his hands on me before he readjusted my hips. "If you move your hips out, it allows you to have more control over the board. It also ensures balance."

"Right." I carefully stepped off the board. At this point he was just spitting out random lies. It was hard for me not to blow my cover and tell him that he was wrong. I did find it cute though. He was trying to impress me. "Can we take it to the water?"

His eyes widened, surprised by my request. "Are you sure? I still have a whole other lesson planned for you."

"I think I'm ready."

"Stubborn Sonny." He chuckled, amused. "Fine, we'll go in the water then."

He carried Conrad's board even when I had told him I had it. Once we made it into the water, he continued giving me advice about how I should stand up on the board and keep balance. For the hell of it, I fell off a couple times to make it look like the first time Conrad had taught me.

"I think we should go back to the shore." Leo said.

"One more time," I said, out of breath. Who knew that faking a fall would take your breath away? Not me. I didn't think it was going to take this much of an effort, or else I wouldn't have agreed to come with him.

We weren't too far out, obviously, but I pretended I was surfing one early morning at my island. I pretended to wait for a good wave to come. When I finally felt it in the water, I let my body relax and allowed my natural instinct take over. I closed my eyes and I was balancing on my board. I blocked out the excited yells made by Leo. He was completely oblivious to my desire to be alone.

I rode out the wave until I decided to jump off. Leo followed quickly behind me because I sat down on the sand and he did the same only a couple seconds later.

"You didn't lie when you said you were a quick learner." Leo smirked like he knew something I didn't.

"What?" I smiled back.

Then he gave me a look. "C'mon Sonny, I know that it was Conrad that taught you how to surf. Everyone knows that you two are like some surfing duo."

"Then why did you let me make a fool of myself out there?" I sent him a glare.

"Because, I saw how you were willing to lie about not knowing how to surf. I thought it was cute that you were willing to do all of that for me. Maybe I also wanted to believe that you did all of this to..." He didn't finish his sentence, he didn't have to. I knew exactly what he meant.

"Oh..." Was all I managed to say. It wasn't an Oh. Oh. Moment. It was an Oh, no. Moment. "I— I don't know what to say." I don't know what to say in order to not hurt him. I knew how it felt to be rejected and to reject.

"It wasn't until the party that I recognized the same hammering beat of my heart. Sonny—"

I interrupted him and whispered softly, "please don't say it."

He must've seen it in my eyes or maybe my silence after I had interrupted his confession. I felt so stupid at that moment. "Did I say something wrong?"

"You did." I grimaced. "I didn't lie for the reasons that you think. Okay, maybe I lied during our first date for that reason, but I continued with the lie because I kinda felt like I needed to. You looked so excited, I couldn't just confess after three years of making you believe that I didn't know how to surf." I didn't look him in the eye when I said, "Leo, as much as I want to like you in that way, or in the same way I did a couple years ago, I can't anymore. I've changed in so many ways. I am not the same person I was when you last saw me. I have so many things to figure out. I have so much stuff to worry about. I'm so sorry if I made you feel like there was something between us."

"So there was nothing?" He seemed so hurt, which only made me hurt for him.

"I think, for a little there was, at the beginning. You were my first kiss and I was yours. I think that there will always be a special place for you in my heart, but I just can't be with anyone right now."

He nodded, but it looked like he didn't believe me. "I think that as much as you want it to be me in your heart, the space will always belong to someone else that has that spot engraved with their initials."

I stayed at the beach for a little while after Leo left. My hands continued to grab a fistful of sand, before I threw it up in the air, frustration filling my blood. If I had known he had felt that way about me, I wouldn't have been the way I have been, whatever that means. But he felt misled, which was okay for him to feel, but why are guys terrible at looking in between the lines?

I mean, I knew that he had a crush, but I didn't think that he loved me. I had found his crush cute and him too, but love? That alone made me want to keep him at a distance so that he wouldn't get the wrong idea.

It didn't take long for me to start yawning. I needed my midday nap. So, I got up and made my way back home.

My legs ached by the time I made it to the house. I went up the stairs that led up to the patio. I shouldn't have been surprised to see that there stood Conrad, looking down at a canvas that sat on the floor. He seemed to be everywhere I was these days, yet I've hardly had the time to talk to my own brother.

I didn't say anything. I just stood beside him, looking down at Susannah's painting. It looked nothing like something she would make. It was more like something I would make, someone who has no artistic ability. Even then, I would do a better job than whatever Susannah made.

"Was I gone for that long," I asked, my hands finding my hips.

"Apparently," Conrad added, finally picking up the canvas from the floor. He did so silently, not saying another word to me.

"Were you the one who dropped it," I asked, noticing how distant he had become. The mom's must've made up by getting high or something. "They're just having fun, they have always acted like teenagers here, I'm sure it isn't something we should worry about, yeah?"

He only nodded softly. "Right."

"I'm being for real." I nudged him, before I helped him with cleaning up their mess. "Remember when we were in charge of getting everyone fed because they thought that this was a vacation from the normal and Alva wanted breaks from cooking? You used to make some good ass hotdogs."

"And you were in charge of the mac and cheese." He couldn't hold in his smile. "You gave us a spoonful and saved the rest for you and Belly. It used to make us so angry because your mac and cheese was out of this world."

"I got good cooking from both sides of the family," I said with a smile. I tried not to think about it too much, wanting to feel normal for a little while longer.

"Speaking about..."

"Nope," I said, holding my hand up. "Let's not make this about me."

"Then what is it that you want to talk about?" Conrad said, "there's nothing more interesting than the Sonia Rodriguez."

I sent him a glare, little did he know that he opened the door for me to ask the one question I have had in my chest since last night. "What was that almost kiss supposed to mean?"

His smile automatically faded. He stammered upon his own words. "I wasn't— I didn't mean for it to happen. I was just confused and the drinks didn't help."

"Hm," was everything that I allowed myself to say. For a second, I wanted to take it all in. Everything that I had felt in the past few weeks, the feelings that I chose to ignore. I wished it away. They were feelings that I wasn't used to, therefore I didn't know how to make them go away. I wanted them gone because my heart couldn't handle it.

My mind remained blank for a solid second before I said the one thing that came to mind, "oh thank god, I'm glad that we're okay, we can go back to normal. We can go back to being friends." I didn't know that seven simple words could hurt so much.

I turned away from him, "I have a call to make." I walked away with a bullet hidden beneath my skin. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do after something like this happened.

After a boy shattered my heart, especially since it was my fault.

AUTHORS NOTE:
happy late christmas to those that celebrate it!! as my gift, here's this chapter after two months!! hope you all enjoyed this and i'm so excited for you all to read the rest of this act because it is going to be very interesting !

So far, I have written all episodes except for the last one. I just haven't had the time to read through them and made sure they all look good.

I am hoping for an easy last semester before I graduate, so I will most likely start act 2 before summer. I have come to like writing everything before actually publishing it because it gives me a chance to change the plot, so that might slow me down a bit, BUT don't worry I promise I won't completely just drop this fanfic. I love all my docs too much to not finish their story.

- ria

PS thank you ALL FOR 45K AHHHH. ILYSMMM