15. chapter fifteen
—each other.

I TRIED TO GO BACK. I wanted to go back and act like nothing happened, but pretending to be fine was too much to handle right now, so I hurried off onto the beach before anyone decided to follow me. I let the water brush my toes as I walked along the shoreline. My breath became steady as I came closer to my final destination.

I knew that once I got there, I would feel at peace. The isolation would help calm my head and heart. I could stop thinking completely and just live there, in the moment. For at least a second, I would forget I was Sonny Rodriguez. I would forget that I lived in a world such as this one. I could close my eyes and see nothing but darkness, not the image of my father being dragged away from me. I would feel the sand around me as I took in the fresh summer air. My fingers would take a pile of sand in them and they would try to count every grain and fail after the tenth one.

I stayed there until the sun started to set. I knew well enough that Alva wouldn't appreciate me being away for too long even if it has been a couple hours already.

I made my way towards the patio so that I could go in through the back door. Steven and Jeremiah were walking towards me.

"Where have you been," Jeremiah asked, oblivious to what had happened. I wasn't surprised because I doubted that Conrad would go around talking about it. "Everyone left already. Kenny and Cecilia were asking about you. They wanted to say goodbye before they went back home."

"I was down at the beach." I shrugged it off like it was nothing. I wanted it to be nothing. "Where are you guys off to anyway?"

"We're going to set up the fireworks," Steven said.

"Could you help Conrad clean up? There's a mess on the patio and he seemed awfully irritated with everything, talk to him, hm?"

"I really don't want to do that," I muttered. They didn't catch it because they were off to the beach before the last word left my mouth. I huffed, heading towards the patio.

I was looking at the ground, too entertained by my beating heart to hear that there was an argument going on right in front of me. I stopped in my tracks as I finally heard Mr. Fishier say, "Why'd you let her get so drunk?" There was a short pause before he continued, "you're lucky she and your mom didn't get hurt."

"I didn't know she was drinking that much," Conrad said, in disbelief.

"You're the oldest. You're supposed to look out for the younger kids." He was scolding Conrad like he had anything to do with Belly getting drunk. It was almost as if Mr. Fisher needed someone else to blame.

There was a short silence and then Conrad scoffed, finally saying what he had been holding back, for what I assume was a long time. "I don't know why, but I thought I could talk to you," he said, walking towards the house.

"Hey, hold... Connie, hold on. I'm sorry, man. I got a lot going on right now."

"Just leave, Dad." Conrad slammed the door behind him.

I didn't know what to do at that moment, but I knew that I wasn't going to allow myself to use the back door. Mr. Fisher would automatically know I had been listening to their argument, so I walked around the house and used the front door instead.

As I closed the door behind me, I looked around to see if anyone was close. My eyes landed on him. He was in the kitchen drinking a glass of water. He didn't see me, so I tried to sneak my way up towards my room.

I failed, only it wasn't him that had caught me.

"¿Dónde estabas?" Where were you?

I stopped in my tracks, flinching at her regularly harsh voice, but something about it made the heat turn up in me. I wanted to throw her aside and simply go up the stairs without even acknowledging her, but life didn't work like that, especially when having a Latina mom.

"En la playa. Necesitaba estar sola." At the beach. I needed to be alone.

"Por Dios, lo que necesitas es estar con tu familia." For god's sake, what you need is to be with your family.

I practically laughed. "¿Cual familia? ¿La familia que se saca fotos sin mi?" She was glaring at me, but I didn't care. "I have to watch as you three take pictures without me. You parade around your little family while I sit there and wish that I was a part of it. God, you're so... infuriating. You pretend—you pretend like you care, but you don't. Mom, you couldn't give less of a shit about me. You have no idea how crappy it feels to watch the picture perfect family form right in front of your eyes... without you. And I'm sick and tired of you pretending like I'm a part of it all. Because I'm not. I'm not an Alvarez. I'm a Rodriguez and it's so obvious that you completely agree, so don't deny it.

"Dad fought so hard for me, for you, but you needed that picture perfect family, didn't you?" I fought hard to keep my tears away, but I couldn't help it. I started to cry and she watched. "Guess what? I'm done. I'm done trying to be that for you because you don't care. No matter how hard I try to be perfect, nothing is good enough for you."

I was about to walk away, but I had one last thing left to say to her, the one thing that has been weighing on me since the night he was detained. "Do you remember walking into the police station that night? I had been waiting for you for what had felt like hours. I wanted comfort from my mother because that's what moms do, right? No, you didn't even look at me. You had this disappointed look on your face. You were disappointed in me. You didn't even stop to think about what I could've been feeling at that moment.

"Which is crazy. I thought that maybe you'd have the decency to try to understand what I was going through." I paused, taking a long breath before I ripped my heart out and lay out for her to see. "You were supposed to be the one person in my life that understood. You are the only person I know that had that same fear growing up. We both feared that one day our parents wouldn't come home after their long day at work. Well, it happened to me and you weren't there. You were supposed to be there for me. The one time you would have redeemed yourself from the other times you have simply ignored my importance, you didn't. You stood there, talking to the officer, a disappointed look plastered all over your face.

Then I said, "I want abuelita back because she sure as hell would've at least tried to comfort me the one time I couldn't handle it myself."

"Well, she's gone. I'm all you've got."

"I have my dad. Do you remember him? The guy you slept with and left? The guy who tried to prove himself to you? The guy you abandoned for some other man? The guy you simply ignored?"

"He's gone too."

"He's not actually." I wiped my tears and looked her in the eyes and said, "he's hundreds of miles away and yet is more present than you have ever and will ever be, so what does that say about you as a mother?"

She didn't say anything, she just looked at me. She was a blank canvas, which wasn't a surprise. "Exactly."

I walked up the stairs and didn't turn back. I sensed the biggest weight on my shoulders dissipated the second my body passed through my bedroom door. I was alone and I could feel every inch of my scars heal with the single thought that I had finally confronted the one person in my life I have never been brave enough to confront, but today was that day.

The weight might've been gone, the scars might've been healing, but the pain and the hurt was still there. I don't think there are enough words in the world that I would be able to tell her that would make it go away. The pain never gets better. You simply just learn to live with the knife in your heart. You get used to it.

I've gotten used to it.

It felt like it must've been hours since my fight with Alva. I had been watching the fireworks from my window when my phone rang. I didn't look at it for a long minute, wanting to be alone for a second more. It was another second before I sighed, defeated by my own curiosity. My phone was in my hand and I was finally reading the message.

con artist 💟

I know I'm probably the last
person you want to see right
now.
But can we talk?
It's okay if you don't.
I'll be by the beach if you do.

My eyes read over his messages for what felt like a thousand times. I wasn't sure how to feel about them or him. I wanted to be angry enough at him to go to the beach and demand an apology from him, but I knew that he would do it on his own. He didn't need someone else to tell him he was wrong, he always knew when he fucked up, which angered me. It made it harder to hold a grudge against him.

I threw my phone on my bed and waited a few minutes before I was off to the beach. I walked out the back door and I saw Belly and Josh down on the deck. They were talking, normally as if they didn't hate each other's guts since they were kids. It even felt intimate. She looked like she was comforting him.

I looked away with a smile and walked off towards the beach before I caught a sight of something I'd rather not see.

As I was halfway towards the beach, I heard a firework go off near the house. I didn't bother checking to see who let it off because we always set off fireworks when it was dark. Plus, the entire neighborhood was lighting fireworks.

My heart was banging in my chest as my flashlight caught a figure down by the water. I turned it off because with the moon it was bright enough to see.

I walked slowly, wanting to catch a breath before the oxygen in my lungs disappeared.

His back was towards me. I noticed that he was stiff. He sat straight and his back barely hovered over like it normally did.

I sat down beside him without a word. It pained me to think about the words that left his mouth. The reason why we are here and why he wants to apologize. You should really try to understand yourself before you go around trying to understand me. I hated how much he was right, but it didn't give him any right to say it. No matter what he was going through, he has no excuse to pin it on me.

"I know you must be tired of me apologizing," he paused, but he didn't turn to look at me. He simply looked ahead, almost like he was ashamed. "I finally apologize, but then I turn around and do or say something that hurts you, again and again. I always end up hurting the people I care about. I do care about you, Sonny. I do. You're the first girl who ever put me in my place. God, we've known each other our entire life, how could I not care about you? It pains me to think that my words really put a toll on you. And I'm sorry for it. I really am. I have no excuse. I took it out on you when all you've ever done for me was try to help and I pushed you away, knowing that all I wanted to do was— it doesn't matter.

"I'm sorry. You don't have to forgive me. I know that you shouldn't, but I want you to know that I am... so sorry. I should've been there for you, not causing you more pain." He paused again. "I should've noticed it. I should've seen it. I should've taken your word for it. I should've said something, but even when I said that I believed you, I didn't know that it was that bad. I didn't know that you were breaking at the seams."

"You couldn't have known," I finally said. My voice broke a little and that's when he finally turned to look at me. He seemed so broken at that moment. We both did. "Just like I didn't know about you and your dad."

"You heard us then?"

"Just like you heard me and Alva."

"We really are alike."

"Too much alike."

We understand each other in a manner no other could. We are two walls that will always intertwine in one way or another. There was no getting out of it. We hurt the same way. We fight the hurt in the same way too. We push it away until it gets too much. That's when we find each other. We cope together.

"Can you promise me something," I asked, rubbing my hands together, the breeze touching my skin, sending goosebumps all over my arms and down my back. "Could we try to rely on each other? When it gets too much and we can't seem to cope, we find each other. No matter what is going on, if we aren't speaking or even if we are, we confide in each other because it seems right..." us talking and comforting each other.

"You and I seem right." He finished for me.

I nodded. I didn't get it then, but it did seem right in all the ways that mattered. We were always there for each other. Even if we didn't know what was going on in each other's head, we were by each other's side. What I didn't realize or understand was the flutter in my chest. Why my mind was always at bay when he was around. We calmed one another. Or at least, he calmed me.

Yes, we pushed each other away from time to time, but in the end, we always came together.

It took everything in me not to ask him. I didn't want him to feel pressured to tell me everything.

"Just go ahead and ask already," he paused while grabbing something from his pocket. "I know how much it's killing you not to."

"What happened between you and your dad," I finally asked. When I turned to look at him, I noticed that he was rolling that something up. My eyes squinted at it as he struggled. "You mind sharing?"

Honestly, I have only smoked once in my life. I tried it with my best friends back home while we were studying for our end of semester finals. They had mentioned that it would ease my stress, but it didn't. I felt more anxious the moment I finally reached my high than I have ever been. I was convinced that there was someone watching us. Ever since then I was convinced that weed wasn't really my thing. Before then, I used to avoid it at all costs because I heard my abuelita's voice in my head telling me that it was the devil's plant. It wasn't until that night that I tried it and figured out I didn't like it.

Conrad sent me a look. "Absolutely not."

"Why is that?"

"Because—"

"Alva is going to kill you, right?" I rolled my eyes. "As if she's never smoked herself. I can bet you a thousand bucks that she has already smoked this summer."

"Why do you want to smoke anyway?"

"I could ask you the same exact thing."

He didn't say anything for a while. He just smiled at himself before finally putting the joint away. "You just did it to prove a point, didn't you?"

"Don't I always?" I shrugged my shoulders and looked out into the ocean.

"You really don't change do you?" He muttered. "Always as stubborn as a rock."

"I try."

The silence after my words were as dreadful as anything I have ever heard. Something about the air changed. It felt like I was suffocating. It came with the burning realization that after tonight, things were going to change, but I wasn't sure if it was a good or bad thing.

The anticipation killed me, but I let him get used to the idea that he wasn't alone. He didn't have to hold it in all the time. We didn't anymore. "I found out my dad cheated on my mom while she was doing her cancer treatments." The words hung in the air for a while. I didn't even dare move. In that moment, I somehow felt his pain radiate towards me, towards my chest, and down my legs. I took everything he was willing to give me, just like he had done to me. I couldn't bear looking him in the eye. I wondered how he found out. I couldn't help but imagine how hurt he must've been. How he had to deal with it himself. "He had an affair with his secretary Kayleigh."

I couldn't help but feel my blood boil at the thought. Susannah was going through some terrible things and he turned around and slept with another woman?

"I came home from school one day and heard them fighting. She was crying so much, Sonny. She... I never heard her cry like that. So I left. I went back out, I drove around town for two hours and came back and pretended like I didn't know a thing about it."

"We should really stop doing that to ourselves." A frown fell upon my lips.

"It's exhausting, isn't it?" He said. "It's like I can't turn my brain off. It was like if you do that, then this horrible thing is gonna happen, but if you do this then, this catastrophic thing will happen."

"Almost like a meteor. People assume that we're okay all the time. We're the oldest, so we should, shouldn't we?" I paused. "My mind is convinced that if I let a frown through, the world would crumble at my feet. I can't have people knowing that I don't have everything figured out because if I don't, then how should they? I'm just tired of being that person for everyone. Sometimes I just want to have a bad day and be able to admit it.

"It wasn't until today, right now, that I finally got to do it. I have had a terrible day." Until now.

Conrad's hand reached out towards my lips. "You're allowed to frown with me."

"I feel that this is the only time I don't want to."

His hand didn't move from my cheek, but we stared into each other's eyes as if they were the most important thing in the world because in this moment it did feel like they were. His eyes flickered in a way I have never seen them flicker. Our breaths fell in sync. Our legs touched. Our hands shook, admitting that we felt the same way even if those words didn't leave our mouths.

I was scared of what was going to happen next. If this happened, what would happen to us? It felt scary and I didn't want to ruin what it is we had right now. We had an understanding. If I moved forward, we would turn into unmarked territory. A place I had never even thought of, until now. Did I want this, or was I just hurting and confused?

"We shouldn't." My hands fell from his cheeks and I made sure that we weren't touching in any way. We were moving too fast. I felt dizzy. What I should've said was, I'm not ready, but I will be.

"You're right." He coughed. "I think it was just a spare of the moment kind of thing. I don't think we actually meant to..."

"Kiss." I finished.

We were about to kiss and it was a spare moment kind of thing to him.

The air continued to feel suffocating. We sat in silence as I was starting to count down the minutes before I left with an excuse. I looked straight ahead, my hands feeling the grains crushing and blistering my palms.

I didn't think our silence would ever be this uncomfortable. We were often so in touch with each other's mind that we didn't have to say things at all, but this summer was different. It was like we didn't know each other. We were finally the strangers that we were terrified of becoming. I want to go back to the times where our feelings weren't ruining things. A time where we were just kids and fought for the TV remote, now we fought for much better, important things. Things that we need to survive, our hearts.

EXTRA ;)

IT WAS ALMOST like I was punched in the gut. I had been inches away from her, inches away from feeling her lips on mine. It hurt watching her walk away from me. It felt wrong seeing her push me away when we had just promised not to do that. I shouldn't have touched her. I should've known better. She didn't feel the same way. It was obvious, but I didn't want to believe it.

I wanted to think that in some crazy world, she had felt the same way I had felt for years. For a tiny second, I wanted her to feel a glimpse of what I felt since we were barely teenagers.

As she walked away, the hope I had carried, completely washed away, but how much I cared for her didn't. I wasn't going to let that go even if it were simply just something that I had made up in my head, I wanted to hold onto it for a while longer. Maybe forever. It was the only thing that seemed to keep me above water. I don't think I could ever feel this way about anyone else.

Suddenly, I was being strangled and there was nothing I could do about it. I just sat by the water and hoped that we could go back to normal.

I just ruined everything, didn't I?

AUTHORS NOTE:
what do you guys think? i was sobbing for sonny at one point. alva is literally horrible. when i first started writing i didn't think what she did was so bad, but as time went on, i realized how terrible she really is.

anyway, hope you guys enjoyed this. so sorry for the late update. school and work don't combine well.

-ria

PS literally 40k? so thankful for all of you guys. special thanks to the readers that comment. you guys are hilarious and are always making me laugh.

i love every single one of you guys, even the silent readers 🤎