tw: panic attack

11. chapter eleven
—complete panic

AGE: now

WE WERE FINALLY having dinner, but I couldn't quite hold my focus long enough to engage in conversation. I couldn't seem to erase the talk from before out of my mind. I had been so caught up with my own things that I hadn't noticed Conrad's attempts to bottle his own feelings inside.

It made me want to recite the exact same advice he has been giving me because he doesn't seem to be following his own advice, which makes me question whether or not I should be following it.

He was always locked inside his room or away with Nicole. It was obvious now that I'm actually looking for the signs of his avoidance. The way that he looks down at his plate, a word rarely slips from his mouth, especially when the table is having one big conversation.

If him quitting football wasn't enough to send everyone into a panic, then I don't know what else there is. There must be other things that I hadn't even considered yet.

I finally got out of my own head and took in the presence of everyone around the dinner table. The people I've spent almost every summer with. The people I love with the entirety of my heart.

I can't help but think about when this will end. I would do anything for it to stay like this, but nothing stays perfect forever, not even when you wish it at any chance you get. I knew that it couldn't stay like this forever. In the fall, Conrad is going off to Brown while I go off to NYU. Next year, Jeremiah goes off to training camp and then he and Steven off to college. I try not to think about the things that will no longer be the same: no more surfing, no more lazy dinners, no more late night swimming with Belly, no more fighting with the boys, and no more escapes to Sonny's and Conrad's surfing island.

I was brought back when I heard that the table was no longer at peace anymore. Steven said, "I just don't understand why anybody would want to kiss somebody who once fully shat in the bathtub."

I practically almost choked on my own spit. How the hell did we get into this topic of conversation?

"I was like two years old," Belly said, obviously tense. I could only imagine all the things she must be feeling right now. Steven being a jerk wasn't helping either. I can't help but put myself in her situation. I cringe at the thought. No matter how much I liked my significant other, I don't think I would ever have the guts to bring them to meet Alva and Eduardo. I even think they'd thank me.

"Two? More like six." Steven was enjoying the fact that he was making Belly miserable.

"Shut up, Steven!"

"Steven," Laurel warned.

"Aw, I remember that. God, that feels like a lifetime ago." Susannah took a sip of her wine with a smile.

I felt Taylor's look on me, and I simply nodded. "I remember when I visited last summer," she pointed at Jeremiah and Conrad, "and you and you dared him to pee in the fireplace, and you stuck up the entire house for days. Do you remember that?"

"Let's not forget that he didn't have good aim either," Josh chimed in. There was laughter and groaning.

"I blamed the neighbor's cat."

"We were drunk. We were drunk." Steven didn't like that the laughter was directed at him. But oh, how I loved it.

I tried not to think about how I wasn't there to take part in that, and probably a whole lot of other things.

"On like half a white claw," Belly said, a smile finally reaching her lips.

"I forgot how much of a lightweight you are, Steven," I teased. Taylor held her fist up for me to bump. We both giggled as we held our fists together for almost thirty seconds.

"You know, um, I'm thinking maybe we should go to Nicole's party," Belly said from in between us.

Taylor's and I's fists pulled apart.

"Yes!" Taylor cheered. "Oh my god, I love you. I'm so excited."

"You're coming too, Sonny, right?" Belly smiled.

I wanted to decline as soon as she asked, but the excitement in her eyes, and Taylor looking at me, made it hard to say no. I have never struggled with peer pressure, but when it came to these two, it was hard to turn them down. "Hell yeah I am!"

I sighed, looking down at my phone, debating whether or not I should text Kenny. He told me that he had wanted to stay for Belly's birthday dinner, but his parents sent him a message that said they needed him home asap. So, I'm not sure if I should tell him about the party and how I desperately needed him to be there. He'll understand.

I glanced at myself in the mirror, making sure my hair looked okay, before I texted him because I wasn't sure if the girls were going to come tell me that they were ready as I was done texting Kenny.

ricky poo 💋

what are you doing?

Talking to the padres, why?

wondering if you wanted
to come to nicky's party?

Nicole's?

yep

Since when do you call
her Nicky?

since now.
can you please come with?
i'll pick you up

Sure, but things are complicated
here at the casa.
I'll get there as soon as I can.

i literally love you sm!!
hope everything's okay
see ya
READ

There was a knock on my door. "Come in," I said before sitting down on my desk's chair. I had bought a mirror years prior, knowing that I was going to put it on my desk, so that it made a cheap vanity without actually paying hundreds for one. I did the same thing back home.

"I cannot believe that this is going to be our first party together, the three of us." Taylor rushed in and plopped herself on my bed while I carefully applied brown lip liner, trying to create a perfect Hailey Bieber's brownie glazed lip, I laughed out loud. Never saying that again.

"Can I borrow some of your perfume, Sonny D?" Belly came in behind Taylor, but she didn't sit down.

"Sure." I shrugged. A smile took over my lips as I noticed the flowers on their heads. "Are we wearing our flower crowns?" I finished blending the brown liner and quickly rushed to put on pink lipgloss.

"Of course we are," Taylor said.

Once I finished, I made sure to put the lipgloss in my back pocket and then I stood up to grab my crown from my bedside table and I carefully put it on, too scared I might destroy Susannah's masterpiece.

Taylor sat up from my bed and fixed the flower crown on my head. "We're some hot badass bitches!"

I hummed in agreement, trying to ease my nerves. I haven't gone to a party since I was sixteen. It's been two years.

Even with as many times as I told the girls and Cam that I was fine with carpooling, Taylor still went on about how it would be better if we let the couple drive together and us two in my car. At first, Cam interjected, saying, "maybe Sonny's right, I could be DD since I don't drink."

I responded by saying, "I don't either," which led Taylor to give me a questioning look. "A drink or two but not enough to get buzzed or drunk. Not anymore." There was a short pause, an awkward moment of silence. "Fine," I said, wanting nothing but to end the silence.

Taylor squealed and ran towards my car. It was a dark gray Toyota Corolla that I bought myself, with the slight help of Alva and Eduardo. I was so excited to decorate the inside until I realized how expensive it was to make it look cute. I did it anyway. I still liked the way it looked, so I thought there wasn't a point in changing it and spending a bunch of money on it again.

"This is how I aspire my future car to look like." Taylor complimented as she buckled her seatbelt. "Also, I noticed your NYU sticker outside. When were you going to tell me?"

"It never came up." I shrugged, while pulling out of the driveway. I handed her the aux. "Play something we'll both like."

"This isn't the end of this convo," she said, searching for a good song. Cruel Summer started playing, which only made my nerves calm a little. It was probably my favorite summer song. "Okay, tell me more about NYU!"

"I don't know what to say." I laughed. "You're kinda the first person to ask."

"Really?" Taylor hummed. "Well? C'mon, give me something!"

"I made an early decision and I got a full ride. Not to mention all the other scholarships I applied for." I took a second to gather my thoughts. "I wasn't exactly sure where I wanted to go, so I researched which schools have good law programs, especially for the type of law I want to study. NYU was on the list, so I decided I wanted to go there."

"Did you visit it?"

I nodded. "But even before I got to visit, I knew how cliché it was, I just knew that it was the school I wanted to go to." It was the place that was going to make my dream come true.

"Who gives a shit that it's cliché," Taylor said from beside me. "You went to a competitive ass school, didn't you? I'm still so damn proud of you and your Valedictorian self."

"I would've been Salutatorian if George wouldn't have moved halfway through our junior year," I said, awkwardly trying to downplay my achievements.

"I don't understand what's with you and Belly!" Taylor moved closer to me. "You guys always tend to look at the bad things. You need to enjoy it because you accomplished something big, so don't you go around spoiling it for yourself. If you're not going to be proud of yourself for it, then I'll be proud enough for two people... no, a million!"

I couldn't help but smile. "What happened to you," I asked. "You're all mature now."

Taylor punched my arm, while I laughed. "Looks like we grew up."

"Tell me why I'm not surprised," Taylor said as she looked up at Nicole's house.

"You shouldn't," I said with a laugh. "These people go to the country club on their free time. Their trusts are as big as yours, mine, and our parents' entire life savings combined." I glanced towards her and the look on her face looked too familiar to me. She was comparing herself to them. From all the years I've spent in those fancy hallways, I knew that it was no use. Comparing only follows disaster. "That doesn't make them better than us. For one, we have more personality than half of those people in there. Secondly, their money can only take them so far."

Taylor only nodded. "Listen to me. I knew people like them, they are not worth your time. Belly will soon realize that they can't fully be trusted." I gently squeezed her hand with my own. No one was there to tell me that, so I'll be there for her.

Cam and Belly finally pulled up.

"Took them long enough," I said as I got out of the car. "Keeping our dear Belly safe from the horrors of the road, I see!" I referred to Cam's slow driving. I found it cute.

Belly shot me a glare and I couldn't help but smile in return.

The girls didn't need to say anything. We simply gave each other a look and proceeded towards the door. I slowed my pace, trying to have a word with Cam. "Take care of her in there for me, Hm?"

"Of course," he said.

I nodded in approval as we finally made it inside. I was trying my best to forget the nerves I felt in my veins. I wanted nothing but to leave; I knew I couldn't because I didn't want to ditch Belly on her birthday.

It didn't take long before someone was already bothering me with their presence. A random guy, with absolutely no manners, appeared in front of us as he used the railing as a slide. His bro congratulated him as if it was such an amazing thing. I wanted to roll my eyes. The things boys are impressed by.

"Belly, you came!" Nicole came into sight. Her natural hair was absolutely stunning. She was stunning.

"Hey, Nicole. You look so pretty." Belly said, as they rushed to greet each other with a hug.

"Oh, me? Look at you. Oh, my goodness." Nicole said, rather kindly. "Are those real flowers?" Maybe I had perceived Nicole the wrong way. I shouldn't have left my past interactions with people like her cloud my judgment. She was sweet, she seemed interested in conversing with Belly, and she wasn't snotty. I was wrong about her and I'm not mad about it. I was glad Belly was getting out of the bubble the boys had made sure of keeping her in.

"Yes." Belly responded, happily.

"Incredible. Well, we have to show Gigi." Nicole grabbed her hand and guided her towards the room with what I assumed were the debs.

"Do you guys want to come," Belly asked, motioning towards the debutantes.

Just as I said, "have fun for me," proud that she was going off by herself and getting to meet new people...

Cam said, "you have fun over there," at the same time. We looked at each other and laughed.

"I'm gonna go find a drink," Taylor said. Before I even had the chance to glance at her, she turned around and walked towards a crowd and I lost her.

"Okay," Belly said, finally turning away from us.

"This is going to be fun," I muttered just after I said goodbye to Cam. My legs led me towards the other end of the house. It was as if I wasn't even consciously there. I was too tied up in my own head to even focus on the party around me. I wanted to be home, away from this environment because it was the last thing I wanted.

To be reminded of that night.

AGE: sixteen

I was brought to the police station, but I hadn't even noticed. I was in too much shock that I hadn't even realized the chaos of the drunks, druggies, and the harmless homeless that were brought in after someone called the cops on them for sleeping on private property and refusing to leave.

I heard a police officer tell me to stay in the waiting area while he called Alva. I also heard as he muttered something to the other officers. Something along the lines of 'let's hope she's not an illegal alien like him'.

I could taste the awful taste of cheap tequila on my tongue, but after something like that happens, you quickly sober up. It feels like a nightmare that you can't get out of no matter how much you wish to wake up. It was an awful reality. We live in a world too cruel, especially if you're not strong enough.

"Can I ask you a few questions," an officer asked.

I hadn't looked up from the ground yet, so I simply nodded. My mouth was completely dry. I needed water. I desperately wanted to ask the officer if he had any water to give me, but my breath was keeping me from doing so. My chest tightened and I felt everything begin to blur around me.

It looked like I was alone, but their voices didn't go away.

Their voices.

Calm down.

Breathe.

Ruiz, come here.

What?

Something is wrong with her.

She isn't breathing properly.

She's having a panic attack, idiot.

Go get water and candy from the vending machine.

Why?

Just do what I said.

Okay.

It didn't stop. I couldn't make it stop. No matter how hard I tried to even my heartbeat, the guilt in my chest was preventing me from inhaling oxygen. I wanted everything to just stop. I wanted to be able to breathe without feeling as though my guilt was keeping me from doing so.

I put my hands on my knees, wanting nothing but to keep them from shaking. I felt so close to darkness until I felt a hand on my back.

Look at me, mija.

Breathe with me.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

Everything began to look normal again, but I still felt my body shake. My body shook as if my body was in below freezing weather.

"Are you okay?"

I finally saw her face clearly enough to take her in. She was young and Latina.

I wanted to nod but I couldn't bring myself to. How could I be okay? My dad was just... taken and I just had my first ever panic attack. It felt like I was dying.

"What happened? Why are you here? Did you get yourself into some trouble?"

Too many questions.

"Sorry, if I'm overwhelming you with my questions." She paused and looked around. "I just want to help."

I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud, so I shook my head. "I can't."

"I understand, but here, have some water and chocolate." She handed me the water and chocolate, coming closer and whispering, "I know it's hard for you to talk right now, but if you don't answer my questions, you'll have to answer theirs." Her head made a motion towards the officers that took my dad.

I shook my head again then took a sip of water. It didn't take long before I was telling her everything.

AGE: now

I felt myself doing the same breathing exercises as I did that night with officer Ruiz, scared I might feel that same overwhelming panic.

"Mi sol," Steven screamed from across the living room. "I've been looking everywhere for you!" He held a playful grin on his lips, almost like he assumed I would be embarrassed by his loudness.

"Oh, mi coronita especial," I screamed even louder than he had. Only I spoke in a tone anyone would speak to a baby. I also pinched his cheeks with my fingers. "I missed you!"

Steven turned red as he noticed that people were looking at us. He chuckled awkwardly before giving me a glare.

"You really hate getting a taste of your own medicine, don't you?" I crossed my arms in front of my chest.

"Why do I feel like I'm going to get the biggest scolding of my life?" Steven looked amused, but he knew exactly what I was going to scold him about, which didn't help the anger I felt towards him.

"You need to stop being an ass to Belly. No matter how hard you want to make your buddies laugh, I don't find amusement in her torture, and if you do, you're a sociopath," I pause, "you should really start reading a self-help book. It'll do you some good."

"Hey!" He shoves me with his hand.

I laugh. "Take my advice, would you?"

"I'll think about it." He sent me a small smile before he said, "I really need someone to protect me like you protect my sister."

"Well, maybe you've already met that someone," I said, a smirk laid across my lips as I thought of something funny to say to him. "I've heard you've been hanging around with Shayla?" I don't look at him when I ask because I knew what it was going to make Steven question things.

"We're not together together if that's what you're trying to ask." He says it in a confused tone. "I'm just taking her to the deb ball."

"Good." The look on his face was so priceless that I couldn't help but smile.

"I... uhm- er..." he couldn't even form a sentence.

I finally let myself laugh. Then I hear someone say, "you okay bud, you look like you've seen a ghost?"

"No, it was just Sonny." Steven gave me a playful look, now knowing that I was just messing with him. "You scared me half to death. I thought I might have to break that big heart of yours. I didn't think I would have been capable of doing that to you."

"I think it was that your biggest wish had just come true and you were just too speechless by my confession." I said, dramatically.

"You wish." Steven rolled his eyes, but there was still a smile on his lips.

"Dude, I wish."

On cue, me and Steven turned towards the voice, not knowing that he had been standing there the whole time.

My eyes wandered around his face, taking in the small freckles on the tops of his cheeks. He didn't have a lot of them, but they had an unmistakable charm to them that I wouldn't forget anywhere.

"Leo?" I gasped. I didn't think I would see him again. His entire family moved to France as soon as they found out that his grandfather was in terrible condition after she had gotten in a car accident. Leo and I went on one date at the very end of summer when we were fifteen. I enjoyed it. He was nice, funny, and we had a million things to talk about. He had promised to teach me how to surf the following year—I didn't have it in me to tell him I already knew how to surf because he had the prettiest smile ever—but he didn't show up the following year. That's when Steven had told me that he was in France.

I didn't think he would ever come back; god was I wrong, and he came back not only pretty, but hot.

"Holy shit!" I continued by putting my hands near my heart, not knowing where else to put them.

Leo reached towards me and hugged me. It wasn't something I was expecting, so I found it hard to hug him back, but I still did.

By the time we pulled away, Steven was long gone.

I chuckled awkwardly. "I didn't expect you to ever come back," I watched him as I spoke. He seemed confused by my choice of words. Oh. "I meant it as a good thing. I'm glad you're back."

"You're only saying that because you want your surf lessons."

"It's not that." I smile. "I missed the boy that always seemed to blush when I was at a five feet of him."

"Hey, that's not fair! I was a thirteen year old kid, head over heels for some girl that hardly ever uttered a word to me, I couldn't help but blush!"

"I'll tell you what's not fair, how did you expect me to talk to you? You were such a jerk then, always wanting to make your friends laugh and being an ass half of the time made it happen."

"Okay, okay, but that was when I was thirteen. Clearly, I changed by the time I was fifteen because I ended up being your date for a night." Leo looked at me and when he caught a glimpse of my smile, he smiled wider. Like I said, he had a really pretty smile, still does. "It was a good date, wasn't it?"

His question was genuine, which made me laugh. It's not that found it funny, but he looked curious, like he really wanted to know. "It was. I had the best strawberry ice cream of my life that night too, so it made double the impact."

"I know a guy." He shrugged. "Do you want to grab a drink with me at the... drinks table? I promise I have the good stuff hidden in between the other not-so-good stuff."

"As much as I would love the good stuff, I can't. I'm driving and I don't feel like seeing Jeremiah sucking another person's face off so..."

"Come on, that's not the Sonny I remember!" Leo teases, clearly not reading the room.

"Things have changed a little since you've known me."

"Tell me over a drink, just one, please?"

"I said no," I gave him a harsh look. "I think Jo is calling me, I've got to go see what's wrong."

"Wait!"

CONRAD

I could hardly even bear the topic of conversation I was having with Tom and Dean. I could hardly even focus. They had been speaking for exactly ten minutes and she was smiling the entire time.

I could feel the insides of my cheek start to ache just by looking at her. The only times I've seen her smile that much was when someone was saying something funny. What could Leo Griffin possibly be saying that was so funny Sonny couldn't stop smiling? Nothing. Nothing Griffin said was that funny. Yes, he was a funny guy, but Sonny wasn't an easy girl to win over. Yes, she smiled possibly every goddamn second of her life, but she had specific smiles for everything. This is so funny smile.

I took a gulp of my beer and looked away. I didn't want to watch that anymore.

I let my eyes wander around the room, trying to get the image of them out of my mind, then I managed to notice Josh standing awkwardly beside another guy and a girl. The two seemed to be hitting it off and Josh seemed to be in the middle of it. Then I distinguished that he was hardly even a part of their conversation. His gaze was looking in the direction of... oh.

My mind was just barely processing what I had just seen when my eyes decided to glance in Sonny's direction again. I felt my own heart drop down to my stomach.

They were both gone.

SONNY

It took everything in me to make people think that what happened to my dad didn't modify the person I was because I did change that night. Everything that happened before that moment didn't seem to matter anymore because I could never forget the moment when he was ripped away from me. Until I told myself, everything did matter that everyone mattered. I knew that if I let myself change, if I let myself feel, everyone I cared for would be affected by my carelessness. I didn't want people to worry  about me. The way that night made made me feel was for me to deal with and for others to wonder how the hell I managed to stay strong.

The only time I let myself break in front of another person was with Conrad. That same night. Ever since then I hadn't let myself.

After scavenging room after room, I managed to get myself an empty bedroom. I needed quiet.

Even if I could still hear the music, I felt my worries wash away. I think what eased my worries was the fact that I was putting distance between me and the endless supply of alcohol. It wasn't that I had any sort of urge to have any, but this environment, mixed with what some refer as liquid poison, isn't exactly my typical idea of fun. I don't like being reminded of the phone call that made my life spiral.

I wasn't sure where I stood with the silence. I wanted to be far away from the music, but I couldn't stand that I could practically hear the thoughts racing in my head because with silence comes thinking. Conveniently, I didn't want to think. I had been thinking all day and I simply just wanted a break from it.

I wanted to sit here and look at the wall, feeling as though time had stopped. I wanted to feel nothing at all. I didn't want to feel the things that come with being Sonia Rodriguez. Just then, I wanted to laugh at myself because I felt sorry for myself. I don't even share their last name. Alvarez.

The door was thrown open and I couldn't help but jump.

A girl with dark curly hair stood at the entrance of the door. She looked on the verge of tears and I couldn't help but feel a sense of familiarity. "Sorry, I didn't know anyone was in here."

As she was going to shut the door, I said, "it's okay, you can sit if you want."

"Really?" She looked relieved, almost like she didn't want to find an abandoned room and get engulfed by the silence that came with it.

"Of course," I responded with a smile.

The girl walked in, shutting the door behind her. She didn't say anything. She simply sat down and watched the wall with me for exactly thirty seconds before she said, "what's keeping you from the biggest rager of the summer?"

We glanced at each other and laughed a little. And just like that, it wasn't so tense. We were strangers, yet it felt like we were friends. Like we knew the ins and outs of each other.

"Would you think I'm weird if I said that it's the alcohol?" I didn't look at her when I said it, but I smiled; it didn't do much. She must've known how fake it was.

"Would you think I'm weird if I told you that I'm only at this party because I stumbled across it?" I gave her a questioning look. Was she serious? "I know, reckless behavior. I never do this type of stuff. I usually stay at home with my grandma, but she forced me to come visit my aunt and uncle because I 'need to go out more'. It doesn't help that my aunt told her I made a friend way back when, and that we had a really good time. I haven't even seen her since I was a tween. What makes them think she'd even want to see me again?"

"Well, she'd be making the biggest mistake of her life because you seem amazing," I said, seriously. She seemed like good company. "Give her a shot because based on what I know, you haven't even told her you were here, so you technically shouldn't assume that she doesn't want to see you."

She nodded at me saying, "good point." We laughed again, the warmth between us becoming stronger.

There was a short silence. It didn't last long because the girl said, "any reason why you're hiding away from alcohol?"

I shrugged. "I just hate that people want to shove it down my throat because they assume I'm the same person I was two years ago, but I've changed even if I made it my life's mission to make it look like I haven't changed."

"If you don't mind me asking, why did you make it your life's mission to make it look like you haven't changed?"

I thought about it long and hard. I probably will never see her again; even if I do, it will most likely just be a simple glance. With this in mind, I allowed myself to express the feelings that I have found digging themselves freer and freer for a moment like this. The moment where I will finally allow myself to feel in ways I never have. Then I thought, what if once I do this, I can't stop myself in the future? What if I can't shove it down like I've done so many times?

"You aren't one to talk about your feelings?" She asked, with a comforting smile. "I get it, in more ways then you might think. We can sit here in silence if you want, but if you do want to talk about it, I'm all ears."

I let myself fold before I recognized how bad of an idea this was. "I haven't exactly been to a party, surrounded by alcohol, since I was sixteen years old. Before then, I was quite the drinker. I held my weight though. I didn't drink too much because I knew that it wasn't smart and I was worried about school literally half of the time. I was top of my class and I would've died knowing that beer prevented me from holding that spot. I balanced myself most of the time," I paused and took a breath, "but one night I let myself go too far. I was so drunk that I couldn't even utter a sentence correctly. Even if I wasn't in control, I knew that calling my mom would've been a terrible idea, so I called my dad—my parents aren't together, they have never been together—he drove as fast as he possibly could. He has always been a worrier, so he wanted to be sure I was okay. When he finally got to the party, you should've seen the look on his face, he was so disappointed that he could barely look at me. I wanted to melt into the car seat because I couldn't bear seeing him disappointed in me.

"As we drove home, his house, not my mothers, we sat in silence until I had the sudden urge to throw up, so he pulled over. If I had held my vomit for at least another two minutes, or even if I hadn't been so afraid to get a scolding from my mother, then my dad wouldn't have been deported. I wouldn't be so afraid that I am hiding away from a simple substance."

"Life isn't that simple," she started, "you can't live your life with if I hadn't done this or that then maybe—that's the one word you need to take in—maybe. You don't know what would've happened because no matter how much you wish it didn't, he's still not here. I know that you know that, but you still somehow can't manage to let yourself believe it because it hurts, doesn't it? You don't let yourself feel often and when you do, you can't control it?

"I've lost the people I cared so much for, in a different way than you did, but I know that familiar feeling. I know it's not the same, but I want you to know that you're not alone. I bet you've got a ton of people who are willing to hear you and try to understand you, even if they can't really understand. This girl once told me something that I will never forget... I bet they are nothing but grateful for you being in their life, I bet that if they had the chance, they'd thank you. Because I bet you were the best thing that has ever happened to them. It might not fit your situation as much as it did mine, but think about it. Your dad isn't mad at you. He loves you, even if you feel the distance coming in between you two, the bond you two share can never be broken."

I stared at the wall as if it was going to change the tightness of my chest that was threatening to unfold.

"We're strangers, but it's an easier thing to do, talking to someone you don't know. It's weird, I know." She said in a whisper. "You can let yourself feel with me too."

As it unfolded, my hands quickly covered my eyes. She already said all those amazing words to me, I didn't want to burden her with my tears too.

"Thank you for saying those things to me," I took a breath and looked up at her, wiping my tears. "You don't have to stay. I don't mind staying alone."

"Is it okay if I hug you?"

I seemed to be nodding before I even had the chance to process her question. My mind finally grasped her touch. She was gentle as she held me in her arms. She stroked my hair with her fingers. I have never liked the sensation of someone's hands on me, but right now, I couldn't get over how familiar her warm skin felt on mine.

"It's okay to cry. It's normal," she said.

I didn't even get her name before I felt my phone vibrate.

TAYTAY

i'm catching a ride with one
of jeremy's friends
don't worry about me, have fun!

what!
no
i'll take you home
just give me a sec

it's okay
she seems nice

no
i'll take you home
i wanna go home anyway

okay :)

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," I said, quickly rushing up from the couch. "My friend wants to go. I was her ride."

Before I even managed to get out of the room, she said, "it was nice seeing you again."

Her words rang in the ears as I made it down the stairs and out the door. I didn't even think about where Belly was. As I was shutting the door behind me, I heard Jeremiah laughing right besides me.

"Sonny!" Jeremiah practically screamed.

"Hey," I responded, not even looking at them. I simply wanted to walk down the stairs and towards the direction of Taylor because I knew that my eyes were red and so was the skin surrounding my eyes. The boys were oblivious half the time, but I didn't want to risk it.

"Where are you going, Sonic?" Jeremiah was clearly drunk. He was pushy when he was drunk, which was so great. "I wanna tell you something."

"Jeremías, tell me later. Taylor wants to go home and I really don't want to keep her waiting."

"It'll just take a second, please."

"Okay," I said, waiting for him to say it.

"Well, are you coming up here or what?"

I sighed. Why does he have to be so damn pushy? I made it up again, clearly annoyed.

"Who do you really think is the better Fisher," he laughed like he was a mad man.

I wanted to kick him on his shins, but instead I gave him a look. "That's it?"

"Yep, now answer the question."

"Susannah, can I go now?"

"Estás bien, sol? Tus ojos se ven rojos?" Are you okay? You're eyes look red. "¿Quieres que yo maneje?" Do you want me to drive?

"Estoy bien. Why wouldn't I be?" I gave him a soft smile, which did not help the worried look he gave me. As much as we weren't getting along, he wouldn't let that jeopardize my safety. We're alike in that way.

"Fisher brothers." Jeremiah clarified.

"Don't make her answer that, Jere," Jo said. "Her answer is just going to hurt your feelings." He sounded confident.

"I really don't think it matters." I glance at a quiet Conrad, expecting him to be focused on more interesting things, but he was looking at me with his judging stare. He was clearly observing me. I looked away before he could truly see the redness in my eyes, but it was obvious that he had been looking at me all along. "Taylor's waiting for me."

I walked down the steps for the second time, but this time I heard Jeremiah boo as I walked away.

"That's why I like Connie more!" I yelled, not looking back at them. I heard cheering and booing behind me, and I couldn't help but smile.

AUTHORS NOTE:
two updates in one week! whatttttt 😱 I'm just really excited to start writing season two and faster updates mean that i get to do that!!

hope you enjoyed this and the flashback !!

PS i literally love you guys SO much