18. chapter eighteen
—the punchline

"TWO ANTISOCIALS AT a party like this was possibly the worst idea you've ever had, Sonny," Kenny said from the couch he and Cecilia were sitting on.

"It wasn't my idea, Ricky," I said my arms crossed as I leaned against the wall. I could feel a stare from someone around the room, but I didn't want to look around and find it. All I managed to look at was the boy in front of me who seemed to chug down any drink he had. It all went through my head as I processed what was going on, I was at a party, and I didn't feel like I was running out of air. I couldn't help but smile.

"I'm not antisocial, I just don't like people that much," Cecilia said, sipping on some champagne they had been handing out. We were sharing a glass, but she was drinking most of it. I had only wanted a taste.

Based on the drinks he was serving and his huge house, Liam was rich rich. Both Kenny and Cecilia didn't seem to be all that surprised once they laid eyes on his house. Maybe they were used to the size of huge mansions like this one, but I was so clearly not. Mostly because I couldn't help but let my eyes roam all over the house. Not even the people at my private school were this rich.

"Go dance then," Kenny challenged her. The night had barely just begun, so most people were barely tipsy enough to be dancing. Then there were others that didn't need to be drunk to dance. There was a small group of about fifteen in the middle of the living room. I wasn't familiar with the song, but it was definitely something I could dance to.

"I will." Cecilia stood up from the couch and pulled me with her. I followed quickly behind her. Once we made it, Cecilia looked at me, sending me a look of, show me what you got. I haven't danced at a party in a while, but I was with one of my friends at a party, and I wasn't freaking out. I could fully enjoy myself without any anxious feelings or thoughts. Things were getting better. I felt it in my chest, ignoring the ache that was caused by something else entirely.

The dancing felt almost natural. I swayed my hips, moved the entirety of my body with the rhythm of the music. My fingers intertwined with Cecilia's as we held up our hands in the air. With each change of song, we both made sure to dance the way we were meant to dance. I felt at peace, knowing that I wasn't held back by anything anymore. I can go to a party without freaking out, I confronted my mom, I am finally speaking to my dad as normally as we possibly can, I have a place at NYU; not to mention I know exactly what I am going to study, and noting and no one is going to take that away from me.

"I thought you said you weren't much of a dancer?"

"I should've said, I don't like proving anyone right, especially Kenny."

We both laughed, the people dancing as well, motioning us towards their group.

"He's looking," Cecilia whispered in my ear, the music too loud to hear anything at all.

"Who." I looked around, curious who she was talking about.

"You know exactly who." I didn't even have to be looking at her to know that she was rolling her eyes at me.

It was him. Conrad had been looking at me this entire time.

Our gazes finally meet for the first time tonight. I held my stare on him, wanting him to see the annoyance in my expression. "He's really starting to piss me off."

"What, why?" Cecilia seemed confused.

"It seems like he's playing games. First, Nicole, then he acts all jealous when Leo is around, and now he apparently can't keep his eyes off of me? I'm kind of getting tired of it."  I sighed, not feeling like dancing anymore.

"Let's go sit down?" Cecilia nods towards the couch Kenny was once sitting at, not anymore. He probably wandered off somewhere much more interesting. I almost laugh, yeah, I highly doubt that. He's not much of the type to make friends. He most likely went to the restroom.

We finally sat down. "Talk to me, babe," Cecilia said with a comforting smile.

I took a deep breath, fear covering my chest as I thought about the fact that I was really going to say this outloud, for someone to hear. I haven't told anyone this. "Just recently I realized something that could change everything. Not only between me and Conrad, but with the entire dynamic of our families, with our moms, everything. If he doesn't feel the same way, and I say something, I could potentially ruin the one relationship that I don't want to ever lose. He's done so much for me. Cecilia, you don't understand how much I care about him. If I fuck whatever we have up, I don't think I could ever recover from that. Am I naive enough to think that I can pretend I don't feel an ounce of what I feel for him?"

"You aren't naive." Cecilia grabbed my hands. "Love— caring about someone so much, especially if you've known them your entire life, is scary. But it evolves with you and with him. What was once an innocent love, turns into something different, something special. You already know each other so well, think about it. Maybe it being him, the someone that consumes your thoughts and dreams, maybe it isn't such a bad thing. He knows you just as much as you know him. This is a good thing, so stop telling yourself otherwise. And I know it can be hard convincing yourself that this is good, but you've got to try, or else you'll just have to live with this same pain forever. You'll grow to regret never telling him." She said, "If your relationship with him is as strong as you make it seem, you two will survive this."

"Our relationship might, but will I, will I survive?" I finally responded after a long silence between us.

"You're a strong girl, Sonny," Cecilia said, her smile still on her face. She was strong too. Cecilia had gone through so much in such a small span of time, yet she still allows herself to smile when she knows exactly how cruel the world can be.

As I was finally going to say something, I heard a familiar voice say, "can I talk to you?" I turned to look in the direction in which the voice came from and it was Josh. By the look of his worried expression, it seemed argent.

I exchanged a knowing look with Cecilia, then I followed him near the entrance of the house.

He didn't even give me a chance to say anything before he asked, "I need your car."

"What? I didn't bring my car. I drove here with Kenny and Cecilia." He groaned, walking away. "Is something wrong?" I asked, worried.

He didn't say anything for a while. He waited until we were down the steps and near the cars. "The girls are stranded at Hopper's Cove..."

"Is there more to that than you're leading on?" I looked around, but there was no one close enough to hear anything we were saying.

"Nicole left them stranded there and she..."

"She what?"

"She left them there and took their clothes with her."

"She left them there naked?" Everything went blurry, but I did see as his head nodded. I suddenly saw red too. "Why?"

"Sonia, breathe." He put his hand on my shoulder, almost as if it was supposed to help. It didn't. It somehow made me more angry. How was he so calm right now? I am so close to breaking something.

"What happened? She couldn't have just left them there for no reason." At that point, I didn't really care why she did what she did, I just needed a minute to process what Joshua just told me. Before I actually did break something.

"Nicole saw a text message on Belly's phone. It was Conrad telling her about..."

"About what!" I almost screamed. I don't think I have ever been this angry before.

"About you." I suddenly understood why he was so hesitant to tell me.

At that point, my heart was racing with my mind. I didn't know what to do, but my ears caught the sound of her voice near the steps. She was walking down the steps with Conrad right behind her. She didn't see me or else she probably wouldn't have walked down.

Josh saw my expression and didn't dare stop me. He knew that it would be him getting the hit, maybe he knew that she deserved it.

"Nicole!" I almost yelled, excitement in my tone. "I thought you were supposed to be at Hopper's Cove with Belly, Taylor, and the rest of the debs for the night?"

"Well, I had to leave early." She gave me a once over before looking back at Conrad again, which only sent me over the edge. She shouldn't be doing that. One wrong word and I might just lose it. No one does that to my girls. Not even the girl who claims to be Belly's sister. I would never do anything like that to her or even a stranger I just met. It's all levels of fucked in the head.

"Did you now?" My eyes narrowed, anger coursing through my veins. "But did you seriously think you had to leave them stranded, completely naked?"

"You what?" Conrad finally said something, his obliviousness somehow made me angrier even if he doesn't control his girlfriends actions, he alone made me angry.

"She lied straight to my face." Even her excuses were terrible.

"And you think that because of what Conrad did, that gives you a pass to put them in harm's way? Do you have any idea of how idiotic you sound? Do you have any clue how dangerous leaving them out there is? Are you that self-absorbed to grasp how much you fucked up, or are you still playing the victim here. Because if so, I'll gladly make you a fucking victim." I didn't know what came over me, but by the time I was finally realizing what I was doing, my fist was already making contact with her cheek. As I was going in for another punch, Conrad stood in between us. He put his hands on my shoulders to keep me from escaping his grip. But that didn't protect her from my threats. "Don't you fucking dare talk to her ever again unless you are apologizing because I swear on my fucking life, Nicole, you will never see daylight again, do you hear me? If I ever see you near her, I will make sure that—"

Conrad put his hand over my mouth. "I am as angry as you are, but what's more important, putting her in her place or Belly and Taylor?"

I wasn't sure if it was my anger or his closeness that made my vision go blurry, but I finally calmed down. He was right, but I really wanted to leave another bruise on her face because who knows how the girls must be feeling right now. "Give me their clothes and get the hell out of my sight or I swear to fucking god."

She hurried to her car, opening the door and grabbing the clothes. She handed them to Conrad, still grabbing her cheek.

"She didn't mean--"

"No, I meant it." I gave him a look. It told him all the things he needed to know. Don't apologize for me, especially if I have nothing to apologize for. His lips formed an embarrassed smile.

His smile fell before he pointed me towards his red Jeep. "I'll be right there."

I didn't say anything. I just walked towards his car and let myself inside. After a minute or two, Josh let himself inside too. There was a silence as we sat there.

"You really care about her, don't you?"

"She's like my little sister, both of them are. I would've done the same if it were you." I said, pausing. "Who does she think she is, leaving them there alone? Her mind didn't understand how fucked that is. It seemed like I needed to punch some sense into her brain. I get that Conrad should've never led her on, but that has nothing to do with them. Maybe if--"

"Don't you dare say what I think you're about to say." Josh paused, making sure I was looking at him. "You can't control her actions. She's a crazy—"

"—bitch," I finished for him. We both laugh.

Conrad opened the driver's door. He doesn't even look at me. He simply just started the car and drove off.

I felt like a child all of a sudden. He was giving me the silent treatment because he was far too disappointed in me to say anything at all. Only, did I feel like a child because this was nothing like what Alva did. She would've started criticizing me without any second thought. I wasn't sure which one was worse.

This one felt unfamiliar. I needed the criticism right about now.

It felt like the silence was never-ending. Usually, I was okay with silence when it came to Conrad, but this silence was much more different.

Two figures on the side of the road finally came into view. I sighed in relief, knowing that it was Belly and Taylor. They were alright. My whole reaction may have been dramatic but I don't find things like this a joking matter. Leaving anyone stranded, clothed or not, is dangerous. It might be Cousins, but you can never be too careful. Uno nunca sabe. You never know.

He put his Jeep in park. We didn't even have to give Josh any instructions about anything. He simply grabbed the bag full of clothes and rushed out of the SUV, leaving me and Conrad alone.

A few seconds passed. It felt suffocating in here, so I finally said, "I don't want to talk about it, okay?" I paused, only for a second. "I just want to make sure they're okay."

"Okay." He didn't sound irritated or annoyed of any sort, he seemed more understanding than anything else.

He grabbed my hand all of a sudden. His fingers rubbing my knuckles gently. "Does it hurt?"

"You should see the other girl." I looked down at our hand, but thought about how his voice alone calmed all of my nerves in seconds. I didn't think that was possible until he suddenly made every nerve in my body stop and beg for attention. I had blamed something else for the sense of calm when he was around. This entire summer, I had managed to convince myself that it was Cousins and the familiarity of this place that had done all the calming. I never once imagined a time where one person alone could stop time and make me want to live in one moment forever. I didn't think that was possible for me. To find someone capable of making me feel all sorts of things and feelings I never felt before. It was new.

And it scared the living hell out of me.

My phone buzzed, distracting me from my very entertaining game of looking up at the glowing stars on my bedroom ceiling. I promised myself I would never take these down, and I will keep this promise until my last possible breath.

I finally grabbed my phone. It was a message.

con artist 💟

I need to talk to you.

I shut it off immediately. It buzzed again.

I know you're awake
and that you opened this.
I just want to talk.
Please.

It wasn't long before I made it to the backyard. He hadn't specifically told me where he wanted to talk, so I tried looking around for a second, but with the lights that led to the deck on, I knew he was there. I walked slowly, trying to avoid the fact that him wanting to talk to me could be about Nicole. I sighed, annoyed at myself for opening his message. I wouldn't be in this mess if I had pretended to be asleep.

When I finally made it to where he sat, I sat beside him on the bench. There was a long silence between us. I wasn't sure which was more scary, waiting until he said something first or saying something first. I finally thought about how I am done waiting, so I said, "I am not apologizing for what I said, and for what I did to her. She deserved every bit of it. She had it coming."

"That's not why I wanted to talk to you," Conrad said, "but I have noticed that you're always protecting and standing up for the people you care about, without any regrets. It's one of the many things that I admire about you."

"You're not allowed to say things like that to me," I said, almost angry.

"I can't compliment you?" He was hurt.

I stood up from the bench, wanting nothing but to stay far away from him. "No, you can't," I said, too loudly. "You're not allowed to say those things to me and then call me your best buddy. It's not fair. You don't understand how much it hurts, Conrad. I can't pretend anymore, okay? It hurts too much."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing." I said, turning away. "It means nothing." I finally begin to walk away.

But as soon as he took a single step, I felt his hand grabbing my arm, preventing me from walking away from him. My eyes shut close, feeling the warmth of his hand clash with the coldness of my arm. I wanted to pull my arm away from his grasp, but it was like my body was fighting against my mind and its orders. His touch meant too much.

"You can't say that and expect me to forget about it." He finally let go, afraid that I was going to fight against his touch. It was him who fought against it.

"What do you want from me," I asked, my eyes searching his. "I can't play these games anymore, Conrad. I will not stand here as you tell everyone but me about your feelings. You're breaking my heart and you can't even tell, or maybe you just don't care."

There was another moment of silence, and it doesn't seem like Conrad cares about breaking it. "You wanted to talk, so we talked. Now, I'm leaving because it doesn't look like you have anything else to say."

I began walking away, wanting and craving for him to stop me again, but he didn't.

I stopped in my tracks, not having taken too many steps, I was only a couple feet away from him. "You know, I'm not surprised that even after we talked about not pushing each other away that is exactly what you are doing right now," I paused, swallowing every bit of cowardliness I had in me. "I'm done. This is it. Once I walk away, I will stop trying to get you to trust and confide in me because you truly just like doing that to yourself, holding in all the time. If you let me walk away, I will stop bothering you and leave you alone. Whatever I thought we might've had, will be gone."

I took the few steps I thought I needed to do in order for him to stop me, but as I continued taking each step, it felt like I was fighting against the muscles in my body because I felt my heart shatter with each step I took.

"I care," he said. My ears could barely hear him from the pounding of my chest. My back remained towards him as he said, "how could I not care? I get that I had no right to- to get jealous, but I'm beginning to think that I care too much. When I saw you with him, with Leo after you told me you couldn't be in a relationship, I thought that you were just trying to let me down easy. That you didn't feel the same way, so I... it doesn't matter," he paused, possibly thinking hard about what he was going to say next. It was then that I turned around and realized that he made his way towards me. "You're the first— you were the first girl I ever cared about even when we were little and we teased each other; I cared then and I care now, more than words can describe. I don't remember a time I didn't care," he paused again, shutting his eyes in the process, only for a second. "Sonny, I care, okay? I care so much that I can't take a breath, knowing that I hurt you. I don't want to hurt you anymore."

"Then don't." I didn't realize how close we had gotten. One tiny step forward and our chests would be touching.

"That's just it then, you know this is going to hurt. If we do this, we will never be able to take it back." Conrad whispered, afraid of what was next.

"Why would I ever want to take this back?" I looked up at him as his hands found their way on my cheeks, but first he tucked away a loose strand of hair behind my ear. His thumb brushed my bottom lip, anticipating the one thing that seemed unavoidable.

"Because you might not actually feel the same way." While his eyes flickered down to my lips, my eyes continued to look into his eyes. This was the first time I could really read them. There was so much feeling in them. It was hard to keep track of all of it, especially when we were this close to one another.

"Trust me, I feel the same. I can feel it in my bones and down my spine. I want this. I really want this. I want you, Conrad."

It wasn't me who took the step, it was him. He leaned in, staying there for one second, almost as if he was taking all of me in. The fact that our breaths fell in sync in one second, and then our lips met in another second, the both of us wanting every bit of each other. It was sweet, innocent, until it wasn't. Our fingers tangled in each other's hair passionately. I waited for the moment that our tongues finally met. When they did, I felt the spark ignite between us all over again.

Other people have kissed me before, but nothing came close to how Conrad Fisher kissed me. It almost seemed like he was afraid that I would pull away and finally admit that I lied that I didn't feel the same. He was afraid that I might take this back, so he kissed me like it was the last time we would ever do this. If only he knew that I could never take this back. I will forever be stuck here, in this moment, with his mouth on mine. He has every bit of me, even if he doesn't quite know it yet. I only wondered if I had all of him yet.

We walked back to the beach house, our hands intertwined. His pointer finger played with the ring my Abue gave me for my quince.

It was late, possibly past two in the morning. I haven't cared about checking my phone. It didn't seem important. Not when Conrad looked at me like I was the most important person in the entire world.

"You know I want this, right?" Conrad began. "I'm done playing games too. This isn't just a one-time thing for me. After summer, I want to keep seeing and talking to you. I want you completely."

"I want that too." I said, looking away from him with a smile.

"What?" He teased.

"Nothing." I smiled again.

"Clearly, it's something," he pulled me close, whispering in my ear, "tell me."

"Who would've known cold-hearted Conrad Fisher could be so romantic."

"I'm not cold-hearted." I gave him a questioning look. "Okay fine, but never with you."

"So, how are we going to do this?"

"What do you mean?"

"How are we going to tell everyone? We can't just not say anything. Unless you don't want to say anything."

"Of course I want to tell them. As much as I want to keep you to myself forever, it won't feel real until we say something. And I do want this to be as real as I can make it."

"Are you okay if we waited until after the deb ball? It's going to be chaotic, our moms are going to be stressed, I really don't want to add more to it."

"You're afraid about what Alva is going to say." He pulled me in. "Not to be cocky or anything, but Alva loves me."

"Yeah, whatever," I rolled my eyes teasingly, but my smile faded quickly with the mention of her.

"Hey," he said, grabbing my attention. "I doubt this is going to be a big deal to her."

"You don't know her like I do. She's unpredictable. Most of the time, it's hard to know what she's thinking, let alone how she's going to react to things." I said. "You should have seen how she reacted when I told her that I had decided to go to NYU instead of the state school she had gone to."

"You're giving up the small-town girl title, I see." He teased, changing to subject because he knew that I wasn't too much of a fan of talking about Alva. "No, I totally see it. Being a city girl sounds nice, I assume. And a lawyer?"

I hummed. I wondered who told him. "I actually decided on becoming an immigration lawyer. You're the first one to know. I just haven't had the guts to announce how much of an effect my dad's deportation had on me especially if people didn't notice much." I tried to smile, but it turned out to be more of a frown.

"Hey, for what it's worth, I think they'd be proud of you. I'm proud of you." He probably doesn't understand the impact of what his words do to me. I felt bubbly in my chest and I loved every bit of it.

"They don't make much at first, but I plan to marry rich, so." I laughed.

He chuckled. "Let me know how that works out."

"Oh, I will." Our mouths met again.