08. chapter eight
—expectations v reality.

AGE: NOW

SO WHEN HE WAS sent away, I was done living to make my mom proud. This time, everything I did was for him, for my dad. Mi pa. The only parent that has cared enough to try to understand me in the way my mother couldn't.

It came to a point where I was doing everything for him. I wanted him to hear that I was doing okay, because I knew it would have killed him to know that I wasn't, so I pretended to be alright. I pretended to be the bright Sonny everyone has grown to love and adore.

My mom didn't like my rebellious stage. She didn't like the fact that I was done trying to get any source of her attention. I was done with the disappointing feeling that came after I had achieved something great. She never cared enough to say it, to say a simple "Estoy orgullosa de ti, mija." Every time I thought those words were going to escape her lips, nothing. I was done with it all, with her. But even with everything, she hated how I acted like normal Sonny to everyone but her.

She had yet to realize how her actions, her words, got to me. How much damage they have caused me since early on in my life. How every single one of her displeasing looks and disproving words have consequences, and this is how she's paying for them.

Belly and Jere were having some sort of conversation, I nodded along as if I was paying attention, which I wasn't. I had this weird feeling in my stomach, I have had a lot of those for the past months. I've grown used to them. Right now though, my mind couldn't stop thinking about phones, texts, and phone calls.

"Sonny?" Jeremiah snapped his fingers, trying to get my attention.

I tried slapping his hand, but he moved it quick enough so that I didn't hit him. Instead, I grew fond of the idea of giving Jeremiah a quick lecture on snapping in peoples faces. "You can't just snap in peoples faces to get their attention! It's rude." I glared at him. His eyes widened and turned away shamefully. "Do you not know simple manners? That's possibly the rudest thing ever." It was hard to not just laugh at his expression. Poor Jere, he actually thinks I'm serious.

"Yeah Jeremiah, learn your manners," Belly laughed. She has never been one to be capable of doing two things at once, so when she turns to look at Jeremiah to give him a sort of haha look, our bodies suddenly jerk to the left. It was so bad that I practically felt the swerve in my bones.

I sat still, the moment finally processing in my head. We could've gotten in a car accident just now. If there had been a car there, we would have crashed right into it. Laurel had been right about the whole unreliable driver thing. Next time Belly drives, which I hope is never, I'll be sure to grab a helmet from the closet that holds all of our old stuff.

"Belly, keep your eyes on the road." Jeremiah said calmly, but his face said that he was as petrified as my dog Lalo was when he heard the shower run. His hands found themselves on the dashboard as if this was a rollercoaster. Thankfully, I was too caught up with my own shock to give him shit.

"You are not to be trusted on the road," My voice shook as I spoke. I was sure to double check that I had my seatbelt on, one could never be so sure. "I beg you to send me a text when you finally get your license, it will remind me to get the hell off the road and into a bunker. If you manage to even pass your test!"

"SONNY!" Belly turned her head to look at me, completely offended by the words that were one hundred percent true.

Once again, she decided to turn away from the road, one thing that was strictly forbidden, especially when you're just learning to drive. "Goddamn it! Belly, there's a near view mirror for a reason, please use it," I said, shifting her head into the direction of the road. "Jeremías over there is almost begging you to."

"Yeah, I think we might need part two of this lesson." Jeremiah added.

"And a part two and three..." Belly laughs nervously.

"Four, five, eight, and possibly even a tenth." I laughed, partially from my anxiety. Being in the car with her has made me realize that Belly is quite capable of making another life threatening mistake. She shot me an annoyed look through the near view mirror. "There you go! Good job, Belly. We all learn new skills at different paces. For some it might take months, and that's okay! Everyone has their own pace."

Belly threw me a random pen of Jeremiah's, which made me laugh even harder at her. It gave her another reason to glare at me, through the near view mirror though.

I notice the sudden change in air. Belly and Jeremiah small talk about something random. I, at this moment though, I realize how much I missed them last year. Then I think about how much I missed. How many memories they have that I didn't get to experience.

It's not that I'm jealous, it has nothing to do with jealousy actually. It's the fact that I missed my summer at Cousins because people are selfish and don't seem to know the basics of being a decent human being, there's actually way more I could say about those bastards, but I'll stay silent, for now. It's the fact that I loved every bit of being with my dad last summer. But mostly, it's that I hate that I have to worry about staying connected to my dad. I hate that I feel the urge to call him every time something small and exciting happens because he'll be just as excited as I am. I hate that phone calls are the only way to talk to him right now. I hate that my mom doesn't understand and doesn't even try to either. I hate making this damn list like it's going to do anything at all.

The rest of the ride to the bus stop consisted of Jeremiah correcting Belly's driving.

I watched as she held onto the steering wheel as if it was the last thing she'd do. Seeing her in the driver's seat was quite an eye opener. It was a small reminder that things were changing that we were growing up, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. All I could do was watch. It made me sick. It's quite easy to tell that I am not in favor of any type of change, whether it be something life changing or something as small as a different pillow. I'm also not capable of adjusting quickly, so I get a weird turn in my stomach once I realize that I'll be going to college this fall. I won't be returning to the academy, where Ava and Tori wait for me at the benches, near the back entrance, so that we can all walk in together.

After summer, it will no longer be a year of lasts, it'll be a year of firsts. I have to make this summer count.

Belly eventually makes it inside her parking space, which is almost a miracle since she can barely manage to drive in a straight line without scaring me half to death.

We walked along the pavement with no rush, since we were early. As we walked, I gave Belly a soft pat on the back. "Good job, Belly! If you can't drive in a two lane, at least you can park!" Jeremiah laughs and gives me a proud smile.

"Why are you being so mean to me today? It's my birthday!" Belly says, shoving me with her hip. "It's Jeremiah's turn. Be mean to him!"

"Jeremías doesn't need a reminder that siempre es la segunda opción." They look at me and then at each other, confused more than ever.

Jeremiah pulls out his phone, I'm assuming to google translate whatever I just said. He has always hated being out of the loop and he'd do anything to not be out of it. He tries to speak into his speaker as if to get google to understand him, but even then his words are so badly pronounced.

"I thought you said Josh had been teaching you Spanish? You were so persistent in telling me how much better you were at it than me." I felt my phone buzz in my back pocket. I knew who it was without having to look at it. "I have to take this," I said. Without even looking at them, I knew that they gave each other a shrug and a confused look.

I made it back to the car and answered.

"Sonia?" He said.

"Pa?"

"Hola mija." There was a loud shutting noise, I think it might've been a door. He was living with his mom, my abuelita Ramona. She's very quiet and mostly keeps to herself, but she was very sweet to me and practically stuffed me up with food every chance she got. Her food was amazing, but nothing could top what abue used to make. "Ya estás en Cousins? Como están todos? No puedo creer que no los haya visto a todos los chicos en tanto tiempo." Are you in Cousins? How are you all? I cannot believe that I haven't seen all the kids in such a long time.

"Pancita me estaba diciendo todo lo que me perdí el año pasado. No he tenido tiempo para hablar completamente con todos los loquitos de Cousins." Belly was telling me everything I missed. I haven't had time to talk to the rest.

"Okey, te dejo ir para que hables con ellos." Okay, I'll let you go so that you can have a fun time talking with the others, he says. It seems like he could use this time for some rest.

But I couldn't let him go just like that. We've been trying to talk for days but whenever one of us had time, the other didn't. We've been stuck in a loop. I can't take it anymore. And this was probably the only time we will have until his next break. He's been working too much, like he always does. "Y tu, cómo estás?"

"Ahí estamos." We're going, he laughed, it sounded forced. "Tu abuela Ramona dice que te extraña." Grandma Ramona was saying that she misses you.

"Dile que yo también." Tell her I do too, I said with a small smile. There was a silence, one which made me feel an immense amount of disappointment. We were never like this, there was something troubling him. "Seguro que estás bien?" Are you sure you're okay, I smiled harder this time, which I just knew that he heard, if that makes sense.

"Si mija. No te preocupes de mí, disfruta tu vacaciones." Yes, don't worry about me. Enjoy your vacation, He laughed, this time it sounded more real. I let the topic go because I knew that it wasn't something he wanted to talk about, clearly. "Me necesito ir, tu abuela me está llamando. Te extraño. I love you." I have to go, your grandma called me, I miss you. I love you.

My mind couldn't comprehend the fact that my father was pushing me away. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to ram my head against a wall to be even more dramatic. Then I want to cry again because my dad was feeling something and I wasn't there to help him, and now he's pushing me away, something he has never done. Rubén, even if he grew up with a father that used to tell him to bottle up his feelings and never let anyone see those feelings, he still managed to tell me all about them. He was never the type to hide things from me. So this, this is something new. A new feeling I am not used to and don't want to ever experience ever again.

"Sonny? Is that you babe?" A familiar voice squealed. I looked up, out of it and on the verge of tears.

I cleared my throat, trying to do anything that would keep me from crying right now. I don't need this right now. Not when they were all looking at me. Not when it's Belly's birthday. Today is not about me.

Taylor rushed to me and wrapped her arms around me. I really needed it. I needed that feeling of assurance. The feeling that hasn't seemed to go away. Not since that awful night. The feeling of being utterly alone.

AUTHORS NOTE:

hey baes!! it hasn't been a month yet! sorry for taking so long. school is literally kicking my ass.

but i hope you enjoyed this short update. it's quite boring but it'll get better once the plot picks up, which is very soon.

—ria

PS THANK YOU FOR 1K!! i love you all so much!!!