I'm not proud of it, but I've been spiralling since Debby visited two days ago. The boys haven't said anything, but I know that they can tell something's off. I've been waiting dreadfully for one of them to mention it—waiting to use the excuse of fluctuating hormones. But Lawson and Casper are so patient. They dote over me like it's the most natural thing in the world, even though I haven't told them what's on my mind.

       Only they don't realize that the sweeter they are, the shittier I feel. I'm not sure which one is responsible for it, but I haven't filled my water bottle in two days. I have a steaming cup of coffee in my hand, every morning, but I can even think to reach for a mug. Casper made a stop at my favourite donut shop yesterday, before coming back home. A stop that added twenty minutes to his commute. I come out of the shower every day to find a smiley face or heart drawn in the mirror. They are constantly showing me why they are so easy to love.

       "We're going on another little trip," Lawson announces as he joins me on the couch.

       After eating the French toasts I made them this morning, I came to the living to read while they tinkered around the house. I'm almost done the book that Casper gave me a few days ago. His gift was the perfect book to get me out of my reading funk and the cozy atmosphere of the Christmas lights make the perfect ambience to relax.

      "What for?" I ask. I place my bookmark between my few remaining pages and angle my body his way. I'm praying this isn't another impromptu family visit.

      "All leisure," he promises. "We know this is a lot happening all at once. We need to slow your thoughts down for a little bit and what better way to do that than a short getaway?"

      I suddenly want to cry because apparently, they're even more observant than I initially realized.

       "Where are we going?" I ask softly, trying to keep the tears at bay. I'm not usually this emotional, but my growing insecurities about our arrangement has left me a little fragile.

       I'm sure that Lawson notices my wet eyes, but he doesn't question what's wrong. I'm incredibly grateful for his consideration, because I will undoubtfully break down if he asks me if I'm okay.

       "Lisanhill."

       "What's there?" I've never heard of that town before. Naturally my curiosity of their plans grows. Knowing Lawson and Casper, this was likely to be more than a spa day or nice hotel.

        "We've been meaning to meet with some old friends," Lawson explains. "We think now's the perfect time. Especially for you."

       "What do you mean for me?"

       "I'll tell you more about them in the car." Lawson smiles gently. "We met them at an event in college. They're great—they make a lovely quad."

      "A quad?" I inquire slowly.

      Lawson smirks as he nods. "They've been together four years now."

      I blink at him. "When you say together, you mean romantically, right?"

      "Yes," he laughs softly. "They're a polyamorous couple. I thought you might enjoy having a chat with them."

     My brows flick upwards in surprise. Delighted surprise. This could be really good. Maybe some of them had experienced what I'm feeling now. Just as I start making a mental list of questions to ask their friends Casper comes barging into the living room.

       He marks his entrance with loud ruckus. The two suitcases that he's lugging bounce roughly on the floor.

        "We're going today?" I ask dumbfoundedly.

       "Duh," Casper answers bluntly.

       Who am I kidding? Casper is right, that was a stupid question. Of course, we're leaving today.

      "Am I correct to assume that my stuff is already packed?" I ask.

       "Duh," Casper repeats himself. "I'll be packing the car. Grab any last-minute thing you might need, and we'll be ready to head out whenever you are."

        Some people might be irritated by their spontaneity, but they know me well. Packing is my least favourite part of night outs. And I know that if I had genuine objections, they would drop everything to make sure I have what I need.

       "Bring your book." Casper pokes his head back into the living room to speak and then heads back for the car.

        I'm going to try not to overthink that order. Does he just want me to relax and knows that reading is one of my favourite ways to do so? Or is he planning on fulfilling that promise of recreating the now neon yellow words?

       Like he can see the wheels spinning in my head, Lawson chuckles and offers me his hand to stand. Time to go make some new friends and try to keep my mind out of the gutter.

        Casper leans between the front seat again, and the softest chuckle parts my lips in anticipation. He has spent the last hour of our drive asking ridiculous questions and creating mock scenarios of our potential future together.

       Agreeing that we all want kids, Casper has moved onto the baby questions. Despite the seriousness of the topics at hand, I can't help but laugh because of his delivery.

       "Who do you think would annoy you the most during labor?" Casper asks.

       Lawson scowls at Casper in the rearview mirror. "I can't imagine what you think I would do to annoy her."

        "Annoying didn't cross my mind. I think you would both be equally supportive," I answer honestly.

        "No need to be nice," Casper tuts. "You know Lawson would be the type to ask if you need something just about every 30 seconds."

        "And you think you'll be any different?" Lawson huffs. "At least I'm not likely to faint at the sight of blood."

       Casper grunts and pouts, unable to deny his boyfriend's claim. "I'm working on that."

       "Um," I start hesitantly. "Do we want to know how you're choosing to work on that?"

        Casper straightens in his seat and grins proudly. Oh boy...

        "Exposure therapy," Casper begins, and my eyes knit together. Where is this going? Even Lawson looks fearful of Casper's next words.

         "I don't know what y'all fools are thinking right now," Casper says. "But let me put you out of your misery. I've been watching videos—educating myself on the birthing process. Nothing crazy."

         Lawson and I laugh with relief and genuine humor.

       "I think you're jumping a few steps here, Cas." Lawson chuckles.

       "My phobia isn't going to disappear in a day," Casper says. "I'm obviously not actively planning—can't do all that on my own...It's nice to think about though, no?"

        "It does sound wonderful..." I admit. They do such an amazing job painting a dream life, but is it just that? A dream? Do we all have our heads in the clouds?

        The hesitation in my voice is heavy in the suddenly silent car.

        "What are you afraid of, Dez?" Lawson questions gently, turning his head briefly to look at me in the passenger seat.

        My heart stalls in my chest. The giggles we just shared feel long gone after that sobering question. What am I not afraid of?

       I puff a deep breath and shake my head helplessly. I can't voice those fears right now. Not in front of them. I'm blessed to be in the presence of two very understanding men. Always so aware of my limits, they don't push for an answer.

       What am I afraid of? Lawson asked.

        The answer seems obvious: Heartbreak. I'm terrified of regretting accepting this trial. There is no way that I will spend this remaining time dating them—seeing what our life could be like, and not think that it's perfect. I would be the luckiest girl in the world to be with either one of them, let alone both of them. The idea is just so surreal.

         They're bound to crush me. They probably can't see it. It might even be out of their control. But the breaking of my heart seems inevitable. And even worse than a broken heart is the double whammy of a double rejection. The stakes seem even higher than a normal relationship. Casper and Lawson are just so in love with each other... how could I ever keep up? To be with them was a destiny of forever being a third wheel. It was the lifelong knowledge of being second best.

        Even though the answer to his question seems so clear to me, how can I voice any of it to them? They would probably try to deny it. They would reassure me and speak words that would spark more temporary hope in my beating heart. So, there is no way for me to verbally answer Lawson's question right now. It's safer to let them think that this is still all about my fear of what others will perceive this to be.