Have you ever been scared of the reality? Like how you are afraid yo face the reality of life..How you are afraid to go back to the life you used to live tired from all the running away.

That's how I feel. All this time I've been running away from all the things that cause pain. I avoided people from school, I didn't call my friends. I didn't do anything from the daily routine. All I did was escape, literally. I got a bus ticket and left home.

Visited old family, hoping to find peace. Did things out of my comfort zone, which actually include going out of my room. Pushed all the things that hurt me to the back of my mind.

But, how long can you escape? How far can you run before you have to hope back? It's inevitable. I have to face it. Sooner better than later, right? Wrong. I was hoping to postpone it for a while longer.

That's where reading comes in. The world of fantacy. The world where the charecters face real challenges. Unlike me, they know what is wrong. Unlike me, they are a lot stronger. I always get mesmerized by the words. They are the only things I love the most in this world.

I read to avoid. I read to ignore the pain caused by some unknown reason. I don't know what's wrong with me. Am I crazy? My friends say no. But I think they are just being polite. I mean, how would you feel if your friends actually say you are crazy?

I know I am crazy upto a level. The reality scares me. The change scares me. The truth scares me. The truth that by the end of the day I am just myself, the teenager who is depressed for no reason, one who used to do self harm, one who has problems with her parents, one who always reads and lives in a world of words.

They don't understand. They never try to. Because they expect you to be like anyone else. No one ever stops and asks me how I actually feel. Not that I am sympathising myself or something. It's better this way. I may be a good liar. But I can't just lie to others face.

I don't even know what I am writing anymore in my sleep deprived state. I can say that my insomnia is coming back. It's been two days since I properly slept. And I am scared about that. Sleeplessness and college doesn't go well together you know?

Anywho, I'll just end my mindless rant, hoping I was able to make sense.

Just tell me something, is it normal to feel the way I feel. To fear the reality. To fear the routine life. To fear something that has to happen. Tell me I am not the only one.

Just to end things on a lighter note, when my therapist (or Ex-therapist, considering I decided never to go there again) asked me what I love to to do, I actually told her I love to procrastinate.

Until next time...

Bye...