I don't remember if today could be more crisp than it is usually, drizzles makes me happy; for some valid reason today I've been feeling out of my normal range.

I open door for my aunt and cousins,made some coffee and join the seating anxiously.No,this isn't what they should be talking about ;they should be talking about me or him...us? I render myself to draw attention to it unsuccessfully,waving and smiling, mostly smiling. I want them to talk not  about them but him and me. I finally realized my wishes ain't going to be coming true for a good hour as the gossip topics are hitting their high pace. I sink inside.

The girls gather in our room, my sisters join in too. I expect more gossip but it seem plain things are chanted in. As whispers hush I went in to see the matter.

They are talking about the boys, as expected.

Should I speak about him? They all share their secrets to me but he doesn't matter , does he? No, it's a bad idea. I've been a little different to them,elderly figure yet someone they confide in,however I don't know if am actually any help to them. My younger siblings are more vocal in  advice than I can ever be. They talk about their future pairs and their desires. They want a handsome man with wit and humor,some say taste in fashion is a must,some stick to physical attributes and then agree the most of the quality that makes a yes would of-course be a good character. I don't know if I'm annoyed or angry or extremely helpless to the fact that whenever they talk about 'the one' my thoughts drag me to him.

My brothers are married, according to the age succession of marriage chart I come the the next. It makes me anxious when I see there's so little time and I still haven't received the ounce of the shadow of him to call my own. He hasn't proposed,will he never propose? But he isn't the guy who would propose a girl,I mean I feel like he doesn't even know me at times.

'' Khadeeja we heard uncle's going to marry all three of you together?'' Tahira's question brings my attention to her.

''Well we don't have a final word but such rumor is well acquainted around us all''

'' Oh lovely,three brides! What about you Rumena,shall marry her too!''

''I don't think anybody wants to marry a child!'

Exclaimed Aliayah.

After my brothers,I am the eldest following Raidah,Janaziah and then Rumena.

Rumena is still in high school while all of us have completed our bachelors.

I'm 25 and yet not married. I feel I am the reason the rest of the girls are in the line waiting, cautiously I sigh a sad breath out my lungs. My parents like him,I like him but our mouth are sealed with the artificial civility of having his parents to ask my hand first. I've been waiting for about six years now officially and unofficially, well forever. We all were asked if we wanted to marry in ties or outside the family,with contrast to the overwhelmingly major opinion I said I wanted to marry in the ties,the girls made a face at me. I cannot but be a part of something I am unaware of,I felt my security and understanding has always been in the household; marrying outside I felt would be unsafe to my character,I know to all I don't make sense, yet I choose to be brave for this one sole decision.

I was poorly driven to his thoughts all day so being more obnoxious than ever, I escaped to my heart to a safer place;to Allah.

I've been calmer and able to function for correctly since,I have spent days and days in despair and in angst;the question wouldn't leave my mind: am I not deserving? am I not beautiful? am I not righteous? am I not enough for whatever enough was needed to be with him? I got no answers,I'd pressure myself to be better at all events, I never wanted to just look good to them but to be good for good was he and I wanted to be a pair for me as him! But this silent war wasn't enough,I soon got tired and knew if it would be meant to be, it would be. Though I ask for him in whispers nothing is a secret to the all sustain-er,the all knowing. Amongst their whisper his name has caught my attention. I've never led out an evidence of heart open to no one but Raidah could always catch the flame of red fire on my cheeks with her finger,I couldn't win at hiding it from her.

''He's so strict,to be honest  he should loosen up a bit  after all no girl is gonna be ready to marry such like guy you know''

Farah is talking about him.I am willing to marry this such like guy knowing he is a treasure, you're too young and naive to understand Farah.

''He is however on the most righteous path comparing you and me, Farah''

Raidah defends him and then smiles to me.She can always speak the things I never can. When we were little we use to visit aunt on weekends,we of course yet were very young to form feelings of love but an approval of fondness was always there. Aunt use to say to Mum that when older,marry Raidah to my son; I never could understand how later this got me feeling envious thinking aunt could not see me but Raidah. Patience does the case in all phases. Raidah grew up disliking him and his parents were no longer fond of Raidah as they were. I formed my Sabr over them thinking maybe Raidah could be a better partner for him, for Raidah I still feel is so much better than I am.

But the matchmaking was never serious on both the sides but to me; anyhow now he is 27 yet not married or engaged, I wonder what he holds in his chest for he never says a thing nor smiles,his eyes are forever low and his voice denotes the shooting star to me that always I wish for but never have been able to witness.

Qahtan has been but too shy even for a modest. His silent worshiping,his calm gestures and his un-explainable  way of living has made me fall for his distinguishable character.

'' I've heard Khaddejah, Qahtan's parents are planning to ask for your hand in marriage for him''

Though (Tahira) she said these words in such a lazy manner. my knees collapsed on the bed as I couldn't stand any longer.

'' Who said that to you!??''exclaimed my sisters not being able hide their excitement.

''Mamma was talking to dad about it ,I overheard''

Raidah smiled at me and was reaching for a hug but quickly disguised her smile to a more patient routine.

'' I thought you girls would be upset??''

''Why would we be upset?''

Janaziah still could clam herself. Well nor could I;trying the hardest.

'' Because he's so weird,isn't he like too religious,he doesn't even talk to anybody...doesn't even hang out....and then khadeeja is so...... nice''

Aaliyah had few pauses because I was similar to Qahtan but  I was their sister, they thought me not  marrying their dream type wouldn't be pleasant.

''Do you approve of him Khadeeja?''

Tahira was half confused ,half sad as she asked me this question.

I turned away from them and said

''Allah knows best''

As delighted as flower on a fresh shower I moved to kitchen to release my blush.

But then again my mind wavered back to the dark side: Is Qahtan happy with this proposal? What took them this long?

A few days passed with me being unable to sleep, exhausted thinking about him.

No news,no update.

One morning I woke up to the hustle brought by the news of aunt coming with her relatives to our house. I joined in the house work all being teased with laughing tears to my sister's awful humor.

When the guests arrived I was behind the flower curtain dividing the main hall,peeking to the possiblity. A fraction of second had not passed when I officially heard them asking for my hand for Qahtan. Wow that went really fast.

I snuck in the kitchen now all shy. Raidah calls me to peek but I reject the idea. I sit and sigh, it's happening..... I was longing for this and now at a single instance it's all happening.

They all leave giving us a single date, my mum sent my sisters to ask for my approval they answered without even asking me!

A few days later a few pre-planned proposals for Raidah and Jazaniah were disscussed, they went giggly all day. They wanted something of higher alter personality, the alpha like males, to be honest I don't know what all that means I just kept saying ameen. 

On a chaotic meeting of the family with all men joint, for Janaziah they choose Ibrahim, a former bussinessman's youngest son who is an acquaintance  and for Raidah my dad's friend's son Baraaq.... No, no no wait. I've heard this name....Oh! I know who he is,he is Qahtan's friend!

He's a very noble young man,he's lovely! ......or not?.... He is not of any desires Raidah has painted.

"Raidah I would speak on your behalf, calm down"

"I do not want to say no"

"Dont be a child! I'll talk to Dad!"

Jazaniah stormed out of the room,we rushed behind to catch her.

She bumped into mum.

"Oh girls, I was coming to see you, dad wants you see you all three in his room"

Mum's command fasten our heartbeats.

Our relationship with Dad has been very distinct, we always were warned to not make him upset. Out of fear or respect we were always distant from him. We seldom presented our problems to him and he always knew us as the girls who could never wrong him and were his obedient daughters.

We sat on the bed beside him and dad rarely is ever smiling and today he is,he clears his throats and looks over at us.

"You might know I've found you three a groom according to me very good young men who have every quality that I wanted to find in a guy for my daughters, there is no better partner than one who makes you better. I felt like it would be so hard to tear the three pieces of my heart and give them away to someone but when I met them I can say very surely that my daughters would not be torn from me but would be finished and polished in this beautiful way these men know how, as they are so good themselves...Allah knows best,whatever and however my eyes and ears and heart could feel,I've seen godly pure men in them,a suitable partner for y'all. However if any one you have any complaints or is not in approval can tell now as we must proceed to getting you; my lovely girls engaged..."

We were teary,overwhelmed... To see a father's love in the most visible for, how powerful is to see emotions that you always knew but have never seen and then at once they are in front of you,bold yet beautiful!

Stuck in the moment a breeze of minutes passed by with us not blinking an eye from our father,while he stared at us like we were so precious and he wasn't willing to lose his sight from us.

"So shall I accept Qahtan's proposal Raidah?"

He said choking on his voice.

How much I wanted to hug him and cry and cry because I don't want to ever leave him.

"Yes Baba...yes...."

I finally realized my words with tears.

"And Ibrahim's proposal for you Jana"

"Yes Dad..."

Janaziah said with the same emotions.

"Baraaq for you Raidah?"

We all fell into a sudden shot of dead silence,as even our breath stopped. I wanted Raidah to say a yes for herself but no for her dreams but out of all yes again for my Dad.

"Yes Dad.. Yes..."

Janaziah was standing by but I clenched her fist.

I do not know yet why I've been suppressing her acts.

We all smiled at Dad as he placed his hand on our heads.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_

"Why didn't you say no!"

Janaziah screamt.

"Raidah are you alright?"

I asked her as she gleamed over the window at the starry night.

"Why didn't you let me say it!"

Janaziah frowned.

"Because she said yes Janaziah and if she has said yes,it probably means she gave it thought and for Allah's sake Janaziah stop acting like we're getting her married to a beast!"

"So you approve of him for me Khadeeja?"

Raidah confronted me with the question I've been ignoring to answer all this time.

" He's really nice.."

I spoke softly and scared.

"And how exactly so you know that?"

She was mad at me I could hear it.

"Because we know him,dad knows him,he's Qahtan's closest friend and haven't we all have heard about him? He is good guy,he's educated,he is smart,he is pious and he would keep you happy Raidah"

I finally broke my opinion out,I didn't know any reason possibly to reject his proposal for Raidah.

"Happy? Me? And why don't you tell me other things?"

"What other things?"

"Other things like his low pay job,his pending tuition fees that he left His studies for, his aggressive family ties,the aggravated relationship with his relatives, his broken engagement and also his big fat joint family living under one roof in a confined little tiny house! It's suffocating me already Khadeeja and you do not care to tell me why didn't you spoke for me! Just because he is Qahtan's friend you can't push me into this!"

I felt terrible,she had never have talked to me in such manner,her sharp tone she waa disappointed in me,I wasn't angry,I was sad. I should've stood for her. She's right I cannot decide her willingness to coming struggles, only she can.

"I'm sorry Raidah,I'm so sorry"

I hugged her and she cried over my shoulder,they are now heavy with the weight of the tears bringing me this responsibility of being the voice of Raidah.