Self Harm Warning

I wanted nothing more than to drown in the never ending abyss of the salty sea water, then maybe it wouldn't be so easy to tell if I was crying. My screams of pain would be swallowed by the ocean's rolling waves that crashed hard and angry against the world. 

Not that it was necessary, even in the quietness of my dark bedroom where my silent screams were never heard. As I laid, curled in a ball, clutching my aching chest; silent river ran down my blotchy red face.

I used to have friends.

I used to be happy.

I used to have a reason to live. 

But now all I do is watch them. Watch them, as they sit around their light blue table during lunch laughing and teasing one another in utter joy. All while, I wonder what I did wrong. What I did to make any of them break their promise, that they would never abandon me like the rest have. I picked at my lunch, I had the appetite to eat but I just couldn't make myself eat. I didn't deserve food. I didn't deserve shit.

I really was pathetic. I wiped my brimming tears as a small sob broke through, but the chatter of the cafeteria was too loud and it was drowned out. I pushed off of my lonely lunch table and threw out my uneaten tray of food, as anxiety ate away at my heart. Unaware of the eyes that followed, my slumped figured out the lunch doors and towards my 6th period class; trigonometry. 

"We need to tell, (Y/N). She looks so thin and dead." Leah spoke, concerned laced with her words. 

"Yeah, she looks so hollow. Jake, you know what will happen when she reaches her lowest point. We can't let her go back to that." Jared stated. All Jake did was nod his head in agreement and promise to talk to Sam about finally talking to (Y/N).

I stood in the doorway of my house, it was shrouded in utter darkness and as my eyes adjusted I saw my step-dad sound asleep on the recliner. I quietly made my way down the hallway to my bedroom, locking the door behind me. I threw my bag onto my bed and slumped down against my smooth wooden door. 

Finally, I let the tears fall. Let my mouth open as l let out silent screams of pain. My heart ached in betrayal as I crawled to the particular floorboard. I shoved the floorboard back and slipped my finger into the crack and pulled back, revealing my razors. They were rusted from not being used, but in a small plastic bag held new unused pencil sharpeners. I quickly tore open the bag and shoved the remaining ones under the board, unscrewing the center piece I watched as the razor fell out and onto my leg.

It was so shiny, so sharp. The metal glistened in the light that fell through the crack of my windows. Waves of pain hit me as I curled forward and gripped the small razor with the tips of my fingers. With a shuttered breath I pulled down my pants and took off my socks, staring at the smooth skin, only marked by faded scars; I cut vertically, horizontally, fast and slow. Always small cuts so I could play it off as cat scratches, never big. 

Knock. Knock 

I froze, the blood from my actions still dripping down my leg. 

Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock 

They continued in rapid succession, I quickly grabbed some oversized sweatpants, placed them on and tried to stealthily run past my step-dad to the door. If he wakes up, I may never see the outside world in any capacity except out of a hospital window. 

I opened the door without looking and wiggle my way through, closing it behind me as softly as possible. Finally, I lifted my gaze from the door knob straight into Sam Uley's copper eyes. Wow.

I felt my face grow warmer and my palms sweat as my heart raced at the proximity of being so close to him. I really did, at that moment feel like a silly school girl. I ducked my gaze and focused on the floor and the sensation of my own blood dripping down my leg, I didn't like the sensation. It felt so uncomfortable.

"You're bleeding." Paul growled lowly as the other stiffened before sniffing the air around me, sort of like a bunch of dogs. 

"It doesn't smell like menstrual blood either. (Y/N), what did you do?" Leah questioned, trying to sound calm but coming off as harsh. I was intimidated, but only for a second before I stepped forward and shoved my finger into her shoulder.

"None of your business. Last time I checked all of you stopped caring for my existence. So piss off!" I was angry, my face was red but I tried not to focus on that. Instead, I turned around and tried to hide in my house, only to realize the door knob wasn't moving. I'm locked out!

I banged my head against the door before turning around to face my ex-friends. I didn't want to deal with this, with them. I didn't need their false sympathy or pity.

"(Y/N), we're sorry," I looked up at Seth's words,"We did something stupid and ended up hurting you when really we just meant to protect… it wasn't thought out well and now here we are trying to clean up our mess." 

"But right now, we need you to be honest with us." Paul interjected, his eyes glistened in the setting sun's light. Worry and fear were evident as he grabbed my wrist tightly and pulled me to him.

"Did you cut?" Straight to the point. I didn't give him a verbal answer but instead lowered my head while the others twisted their features into ones of sadness and pain. Paul gently pulled my arm towards Sam's jeep, the rest following as we quietly packed into the car.

Once we made it to the group hang out spot, otherwise known as Sam's house. My legs were bandaged up while Sam explained the true reason they had to leave me.

"So, the Cullens are actually vampires? And you guys are like the good guys, the superheros, that fight them, the villains?" Embry gave a small smile as Quil and Jared let out boisterous laughs. 

"Yea, you could say it like that." Jacob replied, shoving an Oreo down his throat. 

"So… (Y/N) are you okay with all of this? With us and you? Are we...forgiven?" Seth questioned timidly. I had never heard him speak so softly and nervously.

Did I forgive them? I thought back to and realized they messed up but if what they were saying was true and if they were werewolves and I was - no, if I am their imprint, rejection could kill them all. I didn't want them dead, they meant the world to me.

"Yea, you're forgiven but only if you promise to never do that ever again."

"I think that's do-able." Quil replied.