Last Rites

It isn't pandemonium that ensues among the attendees, but it isn't exactly an orderly procession, either. They're compliant, but also confused and complaining. So are Ivy and Jade when they finish shepherding the attendees to the lower level and return to the lounge, first about Captain Mel's orders and then Zandra's presence.

"You'll be hearing from my lawyer. Both of you," Ivy says when Jade finally gets her to calm down.

Come on, Ivy. You can't afford a lawyer right now.

Zandra smirks from behind the bar, lawnmower knife in hand. Captain Mel, still holding the Bobcat, stands guard over the cases.

Cherry Peach, Rev. Cash, and pDano® file into the lounge one after the other. Cherry Peach jolts from the dual surprises of Zandra and the Bobcat. Rev. Cash looks annoyed while pDano® eyes the karaoke machine in the corner of the lounge.

Please don't turn that thing on.

Zandra pounds the bottom of the lawnmower knife's handle—the pommel—on the bar like a gavel. "Shall we begin?"

Rev. Cash snorts in annoyance.

"Do you wish to open with a prayer, reverend?" Zandra says, just as annoyed.

"Tell me your name, demon, so I can cast you out," Rev. Cash says. He holds an "autographed" copy of the Bible out at Zandra like it's a gun.

He's watched too many movies about exorcisms.

"Are you talking to me or you?" Zandra says to Rev. Cash as Cherry Peach plops down on a loveseat.

"The only way you got out of your cabin is with demonic help," Rev. Cash says. He turns to the others. "I knew it from the moment I met her. Where do you think she gets her psychic powers from? Not from anywhere holy, I can tell you that much. The only explanation is demonic intervention, and for that it is my duty to cast this satanic occupier back into the swine from whence they came and run them off a cliff. Now, vile demon, tell me your name so that you may get personally familiar with your better."

Swine? I don't see any pigs around here. Captain Mel said they're not supposed to show up until this is all done.

"OK, then. We're going to get started," Zandra says, brushing off Rev. Cash's chewing of the scenery.

"Ignoring my love for Zandra's mortal soul is exactly what a demon would do," Rev. Cash says.

Is narcissism a sin, reverend?

Zandra gavels the knife on the bar again. And, once again, Rev. Cash starts another diatribe. Zandra cuts him off with, "Shut the fuck up."

The automatic dishwasher behind the bar goes from a whirring to a whooshing sound.

It's cycling through. I need to move this along. Timing needs to be right.

"Anyone else need to say anything or can I start?" Zandra says. Her audience leans forward an inch. "Good. You're all here because, as you know, Aaron Farve's body is not here. He's above us, physically on the next level of the Curd Queen, and spiritually on the next level. His spirit will not rest until his murder is solved.

"The good news is that Aaron's final touchdown will be in heaven soon enough. The bad news is that someone in this very lounge is, while not the murderer outright, the accomplice. That makes this person just as guilty, doubly so for trying to lay the blame on me."

pDano® returns from the karaoke machine. They scoot into a seat at a high-top table. "Yeah, but you did it, didn't you? The gun was in your room."

I wish.

"There's no way a gun that small could make a wound that large. That's not my opinion. That's a fact," Zandra says. "Speaking of which, how about you give that .22 back to its owner, Captain Mel?"

The last time I saw the Bobcat, back in Cabin 27, Cherry Peach had it. Now Captain Mel has it. There's either some cooperation going on here or some confusion. Which one is it?

Cherry Peach shuffles in her loveseat toward Captain Mel and cocks her head ever so slightly. "Yeah, I'll take my gun back now. Gave it to you for safekeeping, but I might need it again."

That's an odd way to put it. She's used it before, has she?

Captain Mel goes over and sets the Bobcat down on the bar. Cherry Peach takes it and slides it into her purse. She locks eyes with Zandra only for a moment before heading back to the loveseat.

Lots of white in her eyes. She's fucking terrified.

"Everything alright, child?" Zandra says to Cherry Peach.

Cherry Peach mutters something under her breath. Zandra can't make it out.

"What's that?" Zandra says.

Cherry Peach clears her throat and says, "Don't child me, Zandra. I know what you're trying to do."

"And what's that?" Zandra says with a grin.

"You're smart. Like, really smart. And the thing about smart people is that they're very convincing to—sorry, but this is the only way to put it—stupid people," Cherry Peach says. She fights through a tremor in her voice. "I think you figured out a way to blame all of this on me. That's how it always goes. People look at me and the sex work that I do, and they see a whore. They see an easy scapegoat.

"And so you're going to come up with all these reasons, Zandra, that I killed Aaron, starting with me telling you in private that Aaron made me nervous, and that I have this gun for protection. Well, that's just it, isn't it? I can't win either way. If I let my guard down, someone is going to hurt me. If I keep myself protected, I add fuel to the fire. Just get it over with, Zandra. Tell them it was me. They'll believe you, because that's the way the world works."

Zandra smirks.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Chery Peach says.

Because.

"Who are you to call us stupid?" Jade says. "Have you even tried to arrange something like this event?"

"Yeah, you don't even have a registered trademark by your name, stupid," pDano® says.

Cherry Peach sobs and reaches into her purse.

"Oh, fuck, Zandra," Ivy says in a sigh. "Why'd you have to give her the gun back?"

To keep things interesting.

Cherry Peach pulls out the Bobcat. She checks that there's a round in the chamber before saying, through tears, "I'm not going to let you do this to me, Zandra."

Zandra puts the lawnmower knife down on the bar and raises her hands. "Did I say anything about accusing you? I'm not here to accuse anyone of anything."

"What?"

"I am the bridge to the spirit world," Zandra says. "Aaron's spirit told me to bring you all together and to..."

Zandra slumps onto the bar, head collapsed into the meat of her forearm. Jade gasps. The rest look on in silence. A convulsion shivers Zandra's frame back up. She blinks like she just woke up from a 12-hour nap.

Cherry Peach keeps the Bobcat squeezed tight in her hand, but she's stopped crying.

"I'm sorry, sometimes the spirits come through so clearly, it's like getting hit with a sledgehammer," Zandra says in a stupor.

Except that sledgehammers actually exist.

The dishwasher makes a sound like it's rinsing.

Not much time left.

"Only Aaron can accuse anyone of anything, because only he knows what really happened. I'm merely the communicator," Zandra says. She plants her elbows on the bar and lightly massages her temples. "The shot came from shore from a hired gun, a known criminal. His name starts with a G. He used a rifle. Something to do with trees."

It makes a bigger impact when you omit some of the information. "G" instead of Glenn. "Trees" instead of tree stand. Heightens the mystery. Keeps the audience listening. It also doesn't flush out the accomplice.

Zandra monitors reactions to the revelation. She can only see Cherry Peach, Rev. Cash, and pDano®. Her fingers at her temples block her periphery vision.

OK, so maybe that wasn't the smartest thing to do.

Zandra lowers her hands and says, "Before Aaron's spirit can reveal the accomplice, he has a final request. Would you like to know what it is?"

"A prayer?" Rev. Cash says.

"A song?" pDano® says.

"A paycheck?" Ivy says.

"A hug?" Jade says.

"A promo code?" Cherry Peach says.

"To get this over with?" Captain Mel says.

So many people answering questions with questions.

A light on the dishwasher turns from red to green. The machine falls silent. Wisps of steam and sterility escape from a vent.

"No," Zandra says. She reaches under the bar and pulls out a bottle of rail tequila and a shot glass. "You ever toasted with a spirit before?"

If Chad were here, he'd have the perfect response to that.

Zandra pours the tequila into the shot glass. It's not for her. "He requested straight tequila. Now, what will the rest of you have?"

The others go along with the request regardless of their belief or skepticism about the spiritual world, if only to move matters along. Ivy goes vodka tonic while Jade requests a wine spritzer. Rev. Cash takes a glass mug full of lukewarm beer. pDano® wants a mac-and-cheese martini but settles for a whiskey seven. Cherry Peach passes on the alcohol but saves face with a Shirley Temple. And Captain Mel, of course, opts for a fresh glass of iced grape juice.

Zandra prepares all of this rather poorly, forgetting the ice in the Shirley Temple and grabbing a dusty can of soda for the whiskey seven. Bartending isn't what she's known for, but she makes it work.

It's not like Aaron is going to complain.

Zandra fetches a plastic bottle of water for herself and screws off the cap with a crack.

"Now raise your drinks. Aaron is about to reveal the accomplice," Zandra says.

"How?" Jade says.

"He'll make it known. There's no way we'll miss it. Clear as day," Zandra says. She thrusts the bottle of water high into the air. "Here's to you, Aaron, the most famous quarterback to ever be murdered on the Wisconsin River."

They all take a drink. That's when Aaron's spirit makes his selection. Glass shatters in the hands of one of the people in the room. Sharp shards and mists of beverage fall to the floor.

"Behold," Zandra says and points. "Aaron has revealed the accomplice!"