A/N

we made it :')

with love,

krissy

❂

N I G H T    O N E

+

THE SAME NIGHT

Wangmin's wedding

December 15, 2021

+

MEI'S DRESS ITCHES.

The discomfort is its only flaw--glitter spills across the bodice and drips off the sweeping chiffon of its champagne skirt, brushing scratchily against her feet as they ache in heels.

Wind sings in Mei's ears as she stares out from the edge of the reception's rooftop terrace. Glittering high-rises gleaming with glass-walled shopping centers and business buildings rise like towers of starlight into a mist-clouded sky touched by the lingering scent of rain. Glowing Christmas light displays soak the waters of Hong Kong Harbor with vibrant color. Fishermen's boats and tourist's cruise ships glow like lanterns in the ribbon of water. Mei drinks in the scent of sea, leans her forearms against the silver railing of the terrace, lets the wintry breeze thread its fingers through her hair.

The bodice of her dress is sleeveless, soft and pale, the color of a faded rose-gold sun smoothing across her chest into a halter neckline. Goosebumps rise on her skin as the cold seeps easily through the fabric. She sniffs against the cold, fingers toying with an earring tucked into her second piercing, and tries to let the view soothe her racing heart.

She can't shake how out of sync she feels after catching Wen's eyes across the crowd. As if the feel of his eyes meeting hers, glimmering with speechless surprise, has thrown the earth off balance.

I learned that I don't have to run from pain to be happy.

Mei leans away from the railing with a quick shake of her head, tucking a loose curl of hair away from her eyes. There's no use thinking of it. Time has passed. They've moved on, both of them.

She turns just as the door to the rooftop terrace slides open.

"Sorry," she begins, expecting her father, "I just needed some fresh..."

Her voice dies. It's Wen.

He stands in half-light--a rainbow of colors from the skyline shifts across his smooth skin, glimmering with breathtaking light across his eyes, like moonlight rippling against water. In his gaze I see years of memories unearthed--surprise and doubt, fear and hope. I see a conflict pass over his face before he pauses, hesitantly, and slides the door entirely shut behind him.

"Hey," he murmurs.

Mei's heart trembles in her chest at the gentle quality of his voice. Even now. "Hey."

He approaches warily, as if afraid she'll run. But Mei hardly thinks she's capable--she's been rendered still, watching him with a dry throat as he pauses at the railing several yards from her.

Words hang between them. Wen's eyes dance across the glimmer of her dress to the contours of her face, lingering with a beat of surprise on the ring on her finger--the same ring he gave her years ago, shimmering gold, the only part of him she was unwilling to let go.

"Thank you for coming," he says, tearing his eyes away. "I know it means a lot to my brother and Yingyue."

A breathless laugh leaves her. "Of course. I wasn't going to skip it because of...you know. Anything that had happened in the past."

He nods, then studies her for a lingering second. "You're not cold?"

"Coat check," she explains. "I'm only out here for a little fresh air, so I was too lazy."

"If you want, I have an extra coat. I didn't pack it because I leave for Macau after the wedding, but you can--"

"Macau?"

"Bachelor party," he clarifies, referring to the bus that crosses the bridge connecting Hong Kong and Macau across the grand Pearl River. "Liuwei is throwing his bachelor party at the Grand Lisbon. From Wan Chai, if you remember him."

Mei blinks. "Oh. Wow."

Wen rolls his lips in. "Do you still want my coat?"

"No," she says quickly. Then flushes, lowering her voice. "I mean, I'm alright. Actually, I was just going to go inside, so--"

Wen steps forward hesitantly. "Mei."

"Huh?"

He considers her for a long moment. She takes the liberty of observing him, noting with strange pleasure the flush of his cheeks, the boyish tousle of his hair, the characteristic loosening of his tie, the twitch of his fingers. Suddenly, she's a teenager again, her heart leaping into her throat as his dark eyes search hers, as she waits for what he'll say.

"I..." He looks away, rubs his jaw, then meets her gaze with startling vulnerability. "I made a mistake."

She frowns. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," he continues, swallowing, "I wasn't honest."

"About..."

"About a lot of things. Like...when I was saying--you know, a while ago, when I...I said things."

She blinks back at him, puzzled. "I'm not following."

"I said..." He chews his lip, fingers flying instinctively to loosen his tie again. "When we broke up, I said that this is how things were meant to be. Because things were too—"

A nervous laugh leaves her. "Wen, come on, that was years a—"

"I know, I know. I'm just trying to say..." His eyes meet hers, glimmering with clarity, as if he knows exactly what he wishes to say but can't quite put it into words. "I just..." He tears his gaze away, then pushes a hand into his hair. "Fuck."

Mei's lips quiver in an unsteady smile. "What's in the past is in the past. Whatever you did, you can say it. It's okay."

"That's the thing," he says breathlessly. "It's not in the past."

"What's not?"

"Us. Or not us, but—what I said, it wasn't—"

Her heart is racing. Her face hot. "Please, Wen, it's fine. I get it. Whatever you said...it's been so long. We've both grown from that and both moved on from—"

"What if I haven't?"

Her heart stops.

"What?"

"What if I haven't moved on?" he repeats. His hand falls from his hair, his gaze holding hers, searching with unapologetic honesty. "What if I'm still in love with you?"

Mei can't breathe. The world tilts. "What do you mean?"

"I'm in love with you," he says again, voice lowering, regret and shame and desire warring in his eyes. "I don't think I've ever not loved you. I realized I was so used to having you within reach I thought I could live without you. Which, technically speaking, I can," he amends, "but I could never...Without you, I could never..." He swallows, voice dropping to a murmur. "I wouldn't be me."

Her mind spins. A flood of emotions rushes to her chest in one confusing and unfathomable chaos. Fear. Doubt. Uncertainty. That giddy and terrifying excitement she once felt years ago, replaced quickly by a deep and inexplicable warmth that hasn't been stirred...until now.

She's speechless. "I..."

"You don't have to say anything," says Wen quietly, pulling in a breath. "I just want you to know that I never wanted to lose you. Losing you was—it is my biggest fear. Because I'm terrified of how much it hurts to have to live without you. Which is why I tried years ago to convince myself that I could be okay, that I could wake up without you and feel like everything was right in the world. But I failed. And," he continues, pulling in a breath, "if you've moved on and you're happy with the way things are now, then I get it. And we can pretend this never happened. But...I had to try." His gaze flickers to hers. "One more time."

Mei stares back at him, stunned, his words are jumbled up in her head. Her feelings all jumbled up. Her lungs short of air. She thinks she's moved on. But if she has—why does his gaze make her feel so....

"Wen, I—"

Her phone rings.

The sound startles them both out of the moment. Tension spikes. Her screen comes alive, and she shuts her eyes, heart sinking as reality rushes back. Her boss at the marketing and promotions internship has her on demand during holiday season.

"I'm sorry," she breathes. "I need to get this..."

He nods quickly. "It's okay, it's okay."

She swallows and turns away to answer. "Hello?"

"Meifeng," says the woman hurriedly, "I need you down here as soon as possible. We have a well-known client who's calling with an emergency and Wailam is still out of town—you'll be paid overtime for this, I promise. I simply need—"

"I'm sorry, I can't. I'm—"

"We. Need. You. He's a politician. This is groundbreaking for us. It'll take perhaps an hour maximum—I only need you to run through a few things."

"I—"

"You told us last week you wanted to demonstrate passion for your career. What happened, Mei?"

Mei falters, mouth frozen open. Her gaze darts to Wen, whose forearms are braced against the railing as he stares out at the glistening view. Hair falling with resignation into his eyes. Fingers knotting.

Her heart beats wildly. What do I want?

"Li Meifeng," presses her boss, impatient. "All I need is an hour. I don't understand why this is an—"

"Okay, okay," she breathes quickly. "I'm there. I'll come."

"Good. Thank you. I'll give you a generous fifteen to get over here, yes?"

"Sounds—"

The line clicks off.

Mei stares at her phone, mind spinning, heart dropping like lead. Wen straightens, sensing her unease, his eyes roving across her face.

She can't look away. "I have to go."

His gaze locks on hers for a moment longer. Convince me to stay, a voice whispers, though she's quick to shove away the prospect.

But Wen's eyes are gentle. Resigned. "Okay."

"I'm sorry," she murmurs.

He shakes his head quickly, blinking, then backing away. Widening the distance between them. And suddenly Mei feels that old pain stabbing through her chest. Again.

So this is how it's meant to be.

"I'm sorry," she repeats, not even sure what she's apologizing for. Who she's apologizng to. All she knows is that Wen is shaking his head, that defeat lines his face, that the world is blurring as she turns and retreats into the shadows, twisting that ring around her finger. That her feet are taking her in a direction she's not sure she was meant for. That she's crying.

What do I want? But she begins to wonder, with each step, if she's been asking the wrong question all this time.

Who do I want?

+

MEI SPENDS THE entire night awake.

The apartment feels too silent. As if it's waiting for her to do something. Air buzzing as the minutes drag on.

I'm sorry. She tastes the ghost of those words, hears the hollowness in her voice. Sees Wen's face fall as he nods. Letting her go.

She twists in her sheets. It's a pattern now, one that has been going on for hours. Comforter flying. Using the restroom. Trying to sleep. Thinking, and then turning again with a loud squeak of the mattress.

She stares up at her bedroom ceiling. The same ceiling she's grown up under for two decades. In the low light pouring from the frost-covered window, her eyes trace the stained patterns and dark fissures snaking across the smooth surface.

Her mind sails back through time. She thinks of Wen. Always of Wen, as if quiet eyes and dorky laughter have been etched into each fissure of her brain. She stares up and thinks of them at four, sharing a ceiling of blankets in their colorful fort. I'll be with you. She thinks of them at six. Lounging on his bed after a long night of homework. I'm tired. Want some pears? I bought some. She thinks of them at thirteen. Collapsing onto the sheets after a hospital visit, her tears leaking onto the pillow as she grieved for her mother, even when she had hope that her mother would live. Want to hear a funny college story Wangmin told me about our moms? She thinks of them at eighteen, sharing nervous yet fleeting smiles in the dark. I don't want to lose you.

She thinks of the gentleness in his eyes as his lips touched her brow. Never.

Tears fill her eyes. She sits up, comforter flying.

Never. She can almost hear his voice, the way it floats in her ears, like a piece of her so familiar, even the memory of it slips easily into the space she's carved out for him. Never.

Her heart races. In the dark, her fingers find her phone.

It's one in the morning.

I don't want to lose you, she thinks, and suddenly that voice is bolder, stronger, so frighteningly certain that she can't shake it off. I don't want to lose you. She thinks of the lingering hope in Wen's eyes.

The screen bursts to life with blinding brightness. Hands shaking, she calls him.

Beeeep. The dial tone drones on. I leave for Macau after the wedding, his voice echoes. A friend from Kowloon is throwing his bachelor party at the Grand Lisbon, so...

"The person you are calling could not be rea--"

She chews her lip and tries again. A long beat passes.

"The person you are calling--"

She ends the call. Her heart pounds. The comforter flies off her body as she races to pull on a sweater, a coat, a scarf, wrapping herself in layers. She shakes with wild fear and excitement, not quite sure what she's doing, yet absolutely sure of what she wants. Who do you want?

You. The answer is breath of relief. Of honesty. I want you.

She grabs her keys and bolts from the apartment for the MTR.

+

MACAU GLEAMS WITH nightlife. The Las Vegas of East Asia, it's a sprawling kingdom of glittering Venetian hotels and dancing fountains, the Grand Lisboa Casino and Macau Tower rising with flashing brilliance as a sea of Chinese-Portuguese architecture unfurls into the distance.

The bus ride is a blur of thick shadows and starlight. She stumbles off, coattails flying, scarf wrapped tight around her neck to ward off winds. Cold air whips into her face. A chaos of voices and footsteps fill her ears--rushed Cantonese and Portuguese and English mixing as taxi drivers beckon impatiently for stumbling families with luggage and men and women stride in gaudy clothes towards glittering casinos.

Mei's mind spins. Her feet carry her past cool streets gleaming with fountains. Screens of ads. Traffic. Valets. She catches a taxi.

"Grand Lisboa, please," she breathes, slipping into the dark seats.

The door slams shut. The driver grunts and speeds down the road.

The Grand Lisboa is Macau's greatest skyscraper, a monstrous beacon of shifting light towering like a giant lotus flower into the night sky. The city flashes past her-- gaudy pinks and turquoises of its European-style architecture, its looming hotels, its gleaming storefronts and Christmas lights strung across glowing plazas. Mei pulls in a breath and draws out her phone to call Wen again.

"Please pick up," she murmurs as the dial tone drones on. "Please..."

"The person you are calling could not be..."

Mei exhales and turns her eyes to the window.

The taxi slides to a quick stop at the glittering egg-shaped building that sprawls across the Grand Lisboa's entrance. Mei pays up, rushes out into the wintry air, pushes past gloved hotel staff and shouting adults into a wealth-soaked lobby of echoing laughter and gleaming chandeliers.

Wrapped in her longline coat, she races up twisting staircases and squeezes into elevators towards the banquet halls and gambling floors.

A young woman in a green shawl eyes her worriedly. "You alright, miss?"

"Oh, yeah," she breathes. "I'm just..." The elevator numbers soar. "Actually, do you know of a bachelor party happening here? For a man by the name of Liuwei..."

The woman grins with puzzled amusement. "What's a girl got to do at a bachelor party?"

"My friend left something behind."

"Uh huh. Well that'll be on the eleventh floor. My husband booked his at Suncity two years ago...God, the place is wild...good luck finding your friend if he's not wasted already. The first night is the wildest."

The elevator dings. The hall is entirely dark, lit only by garish city light flickering through floor-length windows. A distant beat thrums through the floor like an ominous heartbeat. Mei pulls in a breath and steps out.

"Just hunt around the floor. They've got tons of parties around here," the woman calls. "Good luck."

"Thank you," Mei calls back, but the doors have already slid shut. The elevator whirs softly as it sails upward.

With quick footsteps, she wraps her arms around herself and follows twisting halls to a dark marble-floored expanse criss-crossing with glass-railed staircases and indoor balconies. Signs blur together. Bachelor and bachelorette parties. Wild birthday bashes. Holiday parties.

Her heart stops at one sign pointing up the staircase.

CHEN LIUWEI BACHELOR PARTY

A wave of dizziness hits her. She realizes she has no idea what she's doing. What she'll say. If Wen is even there. How she'll get in.

Heart pounding, she races up the steps and heads into a hall lit in a crimson. A deep beat blasting western hip hop rumbles. Lights flash from the dark.

A broad-shouldered bouncer materializes from the void. "VIP Pass?"

"Uh," she breathes, "I'm just here to drop off something for a friend—"

He narrows his eyes. "Drop off what?"

"Well, that's—"

"I'm going to need to see a pass. This is a private party."

"How about an ID?"

He rolls his eyes. Bodies shift within, glasses clinking, rowdy laughter and shouting. "Everyone has an ID. Unless you have a pass that carries a name on the list—"

Her heart races. "I just need to see Yuen Wenkang. He's on the list, if you just—"

"So call him."

"He's not—"

The bouncer's small eyes flash dangerously. "Miss, if you don't have a pass, leave."

Mei slides out her wallet with insistent eyes. "Take this. I'll go inside to look for him and be right back—I promise—"

He digs his tongue into his teeth, then narrows his eyes at her impatiently. Mei meets his gaze unwaveringly. Wallet in her hand, outstretched.

At last, the bouncer scowls and snatches it from her hand.

"Five minutes," he snaps. "And only because you're being a pain in the ass."

"Thank you so much," she says in a rushed exhale, then slides past the bouncer into the sweat-soaked dark.

Lights flash in her vision. Laughing men at railings, velvet-coated lounges, and twisted staircases form a blur of loud, gaudy color. She squeezes through thick crowds holding teetering drinks. Wanders half-blind across the indoor balcony overlooking the dance floor.

Music echoes in her ears. She's well aware of familiar gazes recognizing her—in the strobe lights she makes out fragments of old classmates and neighbors.

Frantic, she squeezes down staircases to dancing crowds on the bottom floor. Gaze sweeping across dizzying lights for Wen's familiar face. His quiet smile. His honest eyes. His dark tousled hair. A loosened tie, a breath of familiarity. Voices of old acquaintances stir around her.

"Wai, isn't that—"

"Li...what was it..."

"I wasn't aware Liuwei still--"

A warmer voice slices clean through the chaos.

"Mei?"

From the splintered shadows appears a disoriented Wen, dressed in a dark shirt that hangs loose over his lean body. Her breath hitches as his eyes travel, stunned, across her face. "What are you—"

"Uh," she says, realizing she's breathless. Aware of watching eyes, she leaps forward and takes his arm, steering away from curious crowds.

He follows. "Mei, what—"

"Shhh." Hastily, she tugs them both into the shadows away from the dance floor, far from Lijun's sight—then pauses, her eyes stumbling into Wen's stunned gaze.

Her heart fumbles from the familiarity of them, the warmth and worry and surprise etched across his face.

She rolls her lips in. "Is there maybe a quieter place where we can talk..."

Wen blinks, then glances around--and, taking her hand as if by instinct, guides her out of crowds and past floor-length windows out onto a dim-lit balcony overlooking the starlit city.

Mei catches her breath. Wind whistles in her ears, sends hair dancing across her face. His shirt ripples in the cold breeze. He steals a glance at her, then releases her hand awkwardly, putting distance between them.

Before he can open his mouth, Mei's words surge forward in a rushed wave.

"I was wrong," she says in an exhale, tucking hair away from the wind. "I was wrong to leave. I should've stayed and told you the truth, but my boss was being such an...ass about finishing this thing up for her, and I've worked really hard for this internship and I couldn't just...I mean, I didn't want to go and--"

"Hey, hey, hey," he breathes, "slow down. I'm not following."

"I didn't want to leave." Mei chews her lip. "You," she adds, then swallows. "I didn't want to leave you. I don't."

Wen is staring at her, as if he can't believe what he's hearing. "I don't get it."

"I'm trying to say that I haven't moved on either. And that..." That I think I love you, too. No. I know. Her voice falters, and her mind scrambles to pick it back up, refuel that courage, string the words together.

Say it, it screams. But her face is so hot and the wind has blown hair everywhere and Wen is looking at her like that--walls crumbling, surprise and disbelief and desire glimmering in his dark coffee gaze--the same gaze that does funny things to her chest, the same gaze that can make her heart swell or put her to sleep. The gaze she's been in love with longer than she can remember.

But Mei can't find it in herself to do her thoughts justice.

"I don't know," she mumbles, dropping her head into her hands. "I'm sorry."

She can't see, but she senses Wen draw closer. She thinks she might even hear the beginnings of a smile in his voice. "It's okay."

The gentle sound makes her peek through her fingers. "Really?"

And then he smiles for real, and the sight--so real and so warm and so him after all this time--makes her heart soar out of her chest. Her hands slip from her face, and her hair goes wild again. At least, until he reaches forward and smooths it back from her cheeks. The way he always has.

"I know," he says, and there's an affectionate amusement in his voice. "I still love you."

Mei feels a smile of her own break across her face. Macau's glimmering Christmas light soaks them with color, softening Wen's face as he slides his arms tentatively around her waist. She can't stop smiling at him as she loops her arms around his neck. Fingers toying with the edges of her hair. Her eyes soft as she looks from his honest eyes, to the strong slope of his nose, to the boyish curve of his lips.

Her eyes sting as she thinks of all their moments together. In the dark. In the early mornings. In the quiet moments beneath soft blankets, fingers intertwined. She knows, suddenly, that she doesn't want to live without him, either. That it's not the same. New images unravel in her mind--of his breath stirring her hair in sleep, of his arms pulling her impossibly close, the sun rising over the kitchen window as steam curls from sleepy coffee, of flower petals and candlelight and white dress trains...

His lashes flutter as he looks to her, breathless. Waiting. I still love you, echoes his voice.

Mei's smile softens. A tear slips down her cheek into the shadows, and she can't seem to steady her fingers as they rise to touch his jaw. As she brings his lips to hers. 

I will always love you.