I like storms. They let me know that even the sky screams sometimes

(Trigger warning ahead; related to the dark & ugly side of society)

Post Avi's POV

"It was dark I remember everything think every second of it the torture the feelings How can I forget? When I am swimming right on the brink of those haunting memories. A mere slip and I am pulled drowning and gasping between something that keeps you alive in the torture of death" I shuddered, my eyes shut as if the darkness was engulfing me in whole. Either I could simply open them, that is turned them to shut to what I don't want to never think about.

In a way I wanted to turn off those flashbacks.
Anyone in my shoes would do the same, turn off something unforgettable and tragic experience of their lives making it gone like it never happened, by, denying yourself, feeding lies, making up your own things to cover that part of the mind.

However, it's inevitable to forget something you are constantly remembering to forget.

Memories can only be replaced not forgotten.

What's the point of confiding about something dark that had happened in your life to a stranger?

Every person has a secret something dark something un-confessable. That they have never disclosed it to anyone not even to themselves completely. There are certain secrets or certain desires or wishes or any random, yet to you, it's a big weigh pulling you down and you haven't told to anyone about it.

And you can't make yourself do that. It doesn't have to always do with the people around or their credibility, maybe it's because of me I am not just ready to come to terms with it. I don't want to speak it aloud what I have bottled in and realize that those things really are connected to me.

However,

As long as I feel disgusted and embarrassed about it I won't ever be able to let it out.  Which as a result, Inside my mind the situation will only intensify to so much that a stage will come where even I won't discuss it with myself. I will avoid at all costs.

And avoiding something is never the right way to any problem

Therefore I will speak out whatever had been making me afraid of myself. I tried every possible way to escape through it by myself but I couldn't

How could I escape something when its marks are right on my soul?

"I was only six" I stated in a low voice my eyes filled suddenly but a big smile formed taking over my face on remembering that day, "I was happy I was actually so happy my parents were there.  one of my hand my mom was holding while the other my Dad held it. What else anyone could want? Both the people who loved me unconditionally were beside me, How could I not be happy, feel like the luckiest person on the Earth? "

"I remember how my little eyes were shining with glee the excitement of having to see the world the glittering part of the world all bright and nice... I was in the fair by the way. My first fair " and also the last, I chuckled leaning against the seat. The flower woman's gaze never left me from across to me, she was telling me silently she's listening and understanding. 

I don't think so she understands my condition, a person's feelings and pain no one can understand better than themselves.

"At whichever toys, my finger pointed at I got it, my father bought it within a blink of an eye. Whatever distress I had like my dress troubling me or it got smudged by ice cream or clumsy by nature I fell and scraped my knee, my mother was instantly beside me to ease the pain. I felt like a princess. People were looking at me with awwweed smiles I knew I looked cute. 

I was enjoying myself and living that moment to the fullest. My little brain believed that this world is a very beautiful place. It has big swings, cute toys, so many candies. And balloons! Yes, balloons I wanted balloons I told my mom gazing up at her with a grin. But couldn't find her. I don't know how or when I left their hands? I could tell it was because of my foolishness getting distracted by something in a toy shop and yanked my hands to look it for myself... I was lost I panicked searching, running and bumping into people. Which way? I hadn't been focusing where I was walking cause I was too busy looking around ...stupid me now I don't know where I was? "

I blew out gathering myself, felt like I was going have a panic attack
"That feeling you know of realizing you are lost, no one's around to hold your hands, to show you the direction and the way out. That is very scaring" I gulped the knot formed in my throat. My eyes distant carried me back to that moment" I was running widened eyes with fear looking at those shops which I just passed by smiling with no care. And suddenly I realized this world doesn't look so good now. All alone and lost. The thought of it got me started crying" Tears ran down my cheeks.

"I stood aside watching others in a hope to spot my mother's face. But she wasn't there or maybe I couldn't find I was just too small to even walk without shoved by others moving forward.
However, an uncle he helped me he told me he knew where my parents were. Without any thoughts, I followed him wiping my tears my lips curved with a small smile. A little hope could do wonders you know? Even if they are false ones" I shivered wrapping my arms around myself providing self-comfort and assurance.

"I just wanted to run into my father's arms. I know he would be upset he made me promise to not leave his hand. But also I know he will be happy once I kiss on his cheek and would be a good kid from then onwards. I only wanted to be back to them and nothing else. That uncle with a big scar on his face I noticed, later on, I was scared of him a little but he knew where my parents were isn't it?.

I still followed him even though he took me to the opposite way where the lights were fading and the people disappearing until there was no one on street. But I followed him as he staggered ahead he was having difficulty in walking I grew hesitant whether he really knows where my parents were? We stopped at a dark alley. He told me there my parents were. I wanted to ask him to walk me through it. But I was more frightened of him than the darkness in the alley. With nervous footsteps, I walked my little legs towards it. It was so dark that I couldn't even see my own hand, I had an urge to scream which I buried in hurrying to get near my parents. They were there somewhere in there waiting for him. I should make it quick. It's only a momentary darkness. I told myself.
I stopped, cold with fear when I heard footsteps following me the staggering movements behind me, I glued myself to the wall begging to enclose me put a wall around me in protection.
I felt rough hands sliding down my bare arms. I screamed scrambling stumbling I was pulled back harshly and slapped across my mouth that engulfed my scream. I struggled kicking my legs, my eyes hurt with the way they open aching to see something for help that I could grasp in support in this blindness. I bit the clasp on my mouth so that I didn't stop screaming as I knew that was what could save me from a body that was looming over mine, way too huge covering my barely 4 ft self. When I didn't stop, fought limply weak attempts but still fighting my six years old wasn't even aware of what I was defending myself from.
My skin crawled in disgust and every pore in my body screamed to protect myself. When I didn't give up nor did I shut my mouth and my will. The horrid man slid the burning cigarettes over my arm. The burn should have numbed, it did for a second I cried on inside. Inside with no words begged to stop what was happening. Don't do that don't do that.Help me.
At that point, I would have even died then also that pain wouldn't go. It was like it burned not only my skin but also my soul. The impact left me unresponsive. I couldn't grasp the cause as to why was this happening? What did I do? Is it my fault? It should be? Didn't my father tell me not to leave his hand? This was what happens? I thought this world was good? How did I get myself to this side of the world? The ugly side where they don't even leave innocent kids? What kinda horrendous creatures are these? What kinda world are we living in?...
I felt ripping of something from my body my hands moved lifelessly to not allow him destroying my new dress. Suddenly something a ball of fur rushed and latched over the head of the man. He shuffled back the broken steps of his intoxicated self made him tripped. I heard a cat's meowing.
My legs on their own accord pushed me to move away from there. Stumbling, running with all my might even though my mind was too out of it to tell me where I was going. I ran I just ran till I couldn't. The darkness swarmed me in as my only refuge" I told reliving the horrific incident.

"You were -

"No, I wasn't" I provided the answer, immediately that she wanted to confirm
"Nope I wasn't, I was molested I ran away and during that run, I might have lost consciousness. Because the next thing I know I was in the hospital with no recollections of what happened with me. But it did happen I have the proof right there on my body." I rubbed my arms.

"No police case?"

I shook my head," like I said my actual self don't remember I was too young to describe to tell something to date I couldn't understand why did it happen? Or maybe it's just my figment of imagination like that of a nightmare... a little girl with torn clothes and injured. But anyone who would have had seen me can't deny something wrong had happened... and it's not imagination." I looked up at white designs on the ceiling, "I don't know why do I feel disgusted and ashamed? When I am not responsible for it. When it's not my fault it's..." I knew I should not but simply telling myself I shouldn't feel myself at fault don't work, that's not how things work.

"For a moment I feel lucky a cat saved me an animal saved me from a human. Are those people even humans?
I should be grateful nothing more happened. But what is more? I still am damaged from inside. The injury to emotions never heals itself. You have to make yourself do it. And I just can't do it without feeling this stuck up"

"It's not a one-day work it takes years it can take a whole lifetime to get over with cases like molestation and rapes. And still, victims don't get over it they leave their effects and horrible unseen marks. I cannot assure you will be get rid of that hurt but I can promise you will be stronger and heal with better ways than self-blame."

"I don't know" I replied covering my face with my hands, "and I remember the tragic incident where Ryan came forward he got a scar... those five minutes seeing last time the faces of my parents that I have an imprint of it too....why is it so hard?" my body shook with sobs. The flower woman was beside me rubbing my back.

I felt actually less burdened not so vent up with things I was carrying in. I felt the start of the freeness and possibly a promising new start from here. It took a lot of courage to come to terms with it and I just need to have it intact and see what's waiting the other side of it.

End of the POV

••

The days passed in a blur. I switched between post Avi and me but it wasn't that annoying anymore. I attended the therapy. After those, I used to feel unnerved it's weird when you sit and analysis yourself with some stranger's help who's sitting listening to you because it's her profession, actually Daisy is treating me for free it seemed like she genuinely wants to help me.

But honestly, Daisy was a great help whatever I told she treated it with quite significance and made me actually realized it's not because of me.

Sometimes from our perspective, things appear big and kinda seems impossible to get out of them. Which is normal cause by human nature we tend to consider ourselves as victims instantly, whenever something happens we give way too importance to it than we should have.

Others point of views are important in our lives to not get misled by ours.

Like right now I couldn't help myself from thinking Laksh was ignoring or finding some ways to get rid of me

Oh yes, we discuss our relationships.

Yes, Daisy too about her fiance because it's fair if she also tells something about her personal life.  In this way we have greater chances of confiding in more with each other.

Hey! I was learning some psychological tricks.

"He does pay attention to me unless I dance in front of him" like literally.

"Is it like a change in his behavior or he was the same before?" she asked as seriously as we discussed any mental problem.

I shrugged," he was the same just like his present boring self"

It was only me the fun one in our relationship I wonder what will happen if I also become boring like him. The end of our relationship!?

"So what's the problem? Why do you want his attention does he like anyone else?"

"No! He better not I will roast him alive"

I had to do the change in people's life program I was a bit softening towards my other-self. Daisy told me what happened to post avi or actually me... But it's kinda unfair she remembered and suffered the bad parts of my life. So I was like why not I make some remarkable changes in my ex-best friend, my ex and current friend's lives.

Well that was an awkward scenario

That BISH purposely left those particular absurd ones for me!

I said Riya to just jokingly confess she had a crush on Laksh. She was shocked that I was still hung up on it but eventually and reluctantly agreed for post-Avi.

The things we do for my other half. Sighs

So she told Laksh she liked him. Thank goodness only liked as in past tense and Laksh answered... You won't believe he said.. he was aware of that!

Oh my loving God!!! what should I do with this boy!

Riya was more embarrassed than before but also a bit relieved that she didn't have to silently suffer it anymore

Then comes Ishaan. Laksh frowned upon me going near Ishaan. But me being me who the hell was he to frown at me to do what I want!?? He can't dictate my life!

never!

I went up to Ishaan with a proper one-page true love speech and let's say he tried again to offer me to date him back calling me his true love . He said I should be lucky that he's asking me twice. Well, he wasn't lucky enough to dodge Laksh's nth punch. I feared by the graduation time Ishaan would turn into Indian Voldemort with the way his nose was receiving the blows.

So the true love realization goal is at a halt now.

Next, Tanya I am still working hard to discover some non-evil qualities in her. The other day she leaked my old pics at parities where I made a complete fool of myself, in retaliation for breaking friendship with her.

So to make her realize she isn't bad as she thinks so

I have to myself realize it first

Hence, Tanya seeking the good self in her is a work in progress

Coming to Laksh the guy is as impassive as he was before. I mean I know I have seen him smile, grin(34 times) laugh(8times) all in my presence. But still, I want him to be more affectionate. And it should appear less like I am dating a block of ice.

"He doesn't even say to me he loves me not unless I say it first"

Oh yes, I have an ego problem. I don't want to be the first one to say or do everything! it should be the otherwise!

"He's more practical and that's good I think so. What do you want? An immature person?"

"Oh no what will I do of him? It will only be me the immature one in our relationship. I can't imagine myself with an immature guy. I want a serious one with a frown where I can tease and make him laugh then you know distract him" I giggled evilly, " from the work and take his notebooks away and hide them then he couldn't find for two days straight. And also lock him in his own room when he acts like he's too busy. Or you know just scare him out of his life" I laughed loudly remembering Laksh expression when I pretended I hurt myself.

My laugh turned to awkward coughing when I noticed Daisy's blank face. Suddenly it dawns upon me what a bad person I was turning into? I was bullying my very own boyfriend, I gave out a nervous laugh, "maybe I should ask Laksh also whether I was giving him too much attention that it turned annoying for him now"

It was Daisy who laughed this time, "you don't have to worry there that boy loves you a lot. He doesn't say it often or aloud but he actually loves getting annoyed by you"

"That's crazy!" I exclaimed slapping my warm cheeks.

~•~