Light is easy to love. Show me your darkness

"what's your name child?"

I stared at the doctor blankly then said, "Sonia Gandhi"

Alas, the doctor didn't share the same sense of humor, he regarded me as interestedly as a student regards History book.

Honestly, lemme get this straight just pick any History book and you will find there are hardly any students who are die-hard History lovers. No I mean there are, there are people who love History(I am thinking it with a frown) but imagine what would be the lives of those people? Researching about history in their present. What it would be called Living in History?

I snorted

"You're daydreaming" guessed the oh so clever, Doctor.

I smiled, impressed, "you guessed it right! You're a smart man doctor!" I complimented bobbing my head, my eyes scanned around the white hospital room hospital room! oh wow for some reason I like hospital rooms major reason being, my journey started from here so one should like their birthplace isn't it?.

My eyes landed on someone. Someone familiar someone who always fills me with dread.

What was he doing here?

His eyes were already on me.

I stifled my horror expression. Ryan continued looking at me intently he got up slowly, his eyebrows drawing into a furrow and lips curled up in a tight smile.

He appeared innocent and genuinely hesitant I would've believed him if I didn't know, how he was.

The whole response was so unnerving. I dragged my eyes away purposely not looking at his scar and going down to another guilt trip.

I faced the doctor who was still studying me glancing to and fro between the clipboard in his hand to me.

"This is a different case" he gave his final verdict turning to Ryan

Ryan was moving towards me. His attention diverted from me to the doctor.

I looked down twisting the blanket nervously. My ankle poked out from the blanket it was bandaged...

Oh that's why I was here?

I wiggled it at once my lips turned down in a wince

did I hurt it?

And wasn't aware of how and when?

I gazed at it confusedly. The last memory I remember was of Ishaan oh yes! he called me to the locker room and then I heard what he said...

My heart tugged in mild pain. Ishaan the bundle of joy thought of me that?

"Son, is there anyone older at your house?" The doctor asked Ryan. I couldn't see his face but his voice sounded soft and sympathetic.

Ryan shook his head hesitantly, then glanced at me. I smiled, managed to pull my lips forcefully.

"Hello, Post Avi so you're back?" He greeted with an equally forced smile.

It dawns on me what he said a minute late "what's that supposed to mean was I like not back..??" My face scrunched up in puzzlement and fear

"I am calling the psychologist the one I know" the doctor made a statement eyeing me curiously.

Say what?

•~•~•

" The switching in personalities take place due to the disconnectivity when one encounters in their life, they shut off and in a way are not strong enough to face the trauma or any mishappening that they come across. They like closes off and hide behind another personality which comes out on the surface to take over the body and assist them in their regular lives.
The dissociative Identify disorder, is a complex physiological disorder. Right now we can only say Avi has split personality disorder and a case of amnesia.

So the post-Avi or you could say the second Avi the current one is a different personality of Avi. Usually, the switch between the personalities lasts for some minutes but in this case, it lasted for about six months. So she might have switched in between the times but due to amnesia, she doesn't remember" the woman psychologist whose name was of some flower maybe Lily or Rose or Daisy. I don't know. She spoke on and on to Ryan and Kavya and they listened to her intently. I didn't know when Kavya came. Did Ryan call her? They know each other why didn't I know of that?

After the vigorous questioning and answering session with the flower woman. She concluded my health condition. I failed to understand what was wrong with me? I felt pretty much fine just only being the ankle issue otherwise I thought I was okay. I was sat across from the room while they discussed me as if I wasn't there.

Or actually I was eavesdropping on them outside the door with my ear pressed to it.

HA! How can I let them talk about me behind my back?

I knew I had lost my memories but now I was post-Avi the new one! So what was the problem about? What was this treatment about?

My ear perked up I focussed back on their voices. It was faint but audible enough for the usual eavesdropper like me.

"I know it was personality disorder, but why's she scared of me? " Ryan's voice asked angrily.

I wanted to immediately go and lie to him and say I wasn't scared of him. I wasn't, it's just he doesn't gives off happy vibes.

"That could be reasoned by saying Post Avi is way too sensitive than her previous self."-

No, I am not sensitive. I thought as a lone tear dropped from my face. I am being called a personality, as if an unwanted thing in someone's life.

The shrewd merciless psychologist continued
'She feeds lies to herself and has hallucinations. That happens the alter that is the personality which comes out, usually hallucinate about situations and kinda fill up their minds with something to feel connected to the world. -

"Like she thinks her parents live somewhere else and she had shifted " Kavya guessed cutting off.

It wasn't true I know what happened but will it hurt someone if I didn't admit the truth, if I didn't say they were gone away from me but think like this way, they are just living somewhere else? They're alive

"And she also thinks she has been abused, it happened only once when mom snapped but she didn't hurt Avi. Avi thinks she has physically been tortured by mom. Mom is more scared of Avi than she is" Ryan told sadly. Which I know was an act. He had malicious intentions he was just acting innocent in front of others.

Don't just don't say.. I am twisted and living in a dark fantasy

"Brain is a very complicated organ and you won't know how it works and unless you change perspective. She right now makes up anything to carry on life and considers it correct, in her own way they might be true or they might be not. You see one personality wants to switch off and another finds ways to feel connected. Both are different yet they're one person"

I can't take this anymore it made me feel like I had gone crazy and my life is just a mere perspective, a personality. They can't understand me no one can't understand me

"So what's the solution a treatment to it? Will my Avi be back completely the one I know, the one who isn't scared of me?" Ryan asked tensely.

Old Avi?

Treatment?

"There's no actual medical treatment or any fixed duration as to how long will it take to get alright for any mental disorders. But through psychotherapy and some talk therapies, things can get better"

I stepped away... talk therapy?

To bring back the previous Avi? That's what they want.

I formed an immediate plan a plan to leave this country flew away to Japan that was on my list to go. I don't know how much I collected through my working at the mall. But, this place appears not so alright for my living.

Where no one wants me.

I tried , you know I tried to embark on a new beginning a proper start from the scratch. But, what's the point of it when others can't see it?

I moved away quickly from that room. I don't even know where I will go but my mind shouted to run away just be away from this place.

I wasn't looking where I was going. I bumped into someone I staggered back like a rag doll due to the impact. My ankle who it hurts real badly. A hand gripped my arm saving me from falling back.

"Um.. sorry," I said drawing my hair back.

I haven't even tied my hair. Have they grown I touched it pondering? So fast?

"Avi," asked a familiar deep voice.
My head snapped up, "oh...Lux" I blurted spotting me. Why did it feel like I was seeing him after a long time?

"I mean Laksh" I corrected myself.

He looked a bit haggard. Hair sticking out in places. My hand reached automatically to pat it but I pulled back in shock. Yikes... What's the matter?

He accessed me from up to down then sighed in relief?

I stepped aside awkwardly pushing back my hair again feeling conscious and was going to continue the plan of escaping when he caught my arm and hugged me from behind.

Ah...why?

I looked down blinking rapidly as blush crept down to my neck, his arms were around my waist he held me close as if I would disappear.

Oh well, that was the plan.

I felt him nuzzling my hair, near my ear he said in a croaked voice, "you scared me"

The amount of concern behind those words warmed and turned me into mush.

I patted his arm shyly, no shit I like him!

I turned facing back and returned the hug with my arms curling around his neck, reaching up my hands settled his hair properly.

You know my OCD? It just can't take his hair in that unkempt state.

"Run away with me" I mumbled in his shoulder sighing in contentment. I can get used to this feeling, with him having me in his arms I felt I could do anything! Conquer any state! Become a home minister! A judo champion or just any random and cool thing

With him, I feel wanted

He gave out a breathy chuckle that fanned my back hair giving goosebumps. He thought I was joking.

I pulled back and said with enough determination to shook granite or any of the hardest rock on earth. With Laksh being on the list
"Run away with me"

He stared at me taking in my serious expression.

Probably thinking I had gone nuts which shouldn't be so shocking if he knew me better

I like him or love him, I don't know but I can only think of him, the only one who won't say anything like literally and would be there for support..?? which I would need if I planned to settle in Tokyo. Riya told me Japanese is a hard language and English and Hindi are rarely spoken in Japan. The percentage is very low so fewer chances of me getting caught. When I think for a second time, I could even hide in Portugal or Ladakh.. anyplace!! I just need money and Laksh

I was using him? Wait a second...I didn't know if he likes me back?

"Lux I mean Laksh do you like me ?" I asked, he needs to like me to run away with me, and if he didn't then ..then...I will be alone there.

I heard footsteps from behind without looking back to check who they belongs to and waste time stupidly.

I pulled Laksh quickly. Sprinting out from there.

Good thing Laksh followed with no complaints ...told you that's what I love about him. Silently following my orders. I tripped.

Suddenly I found myself being lifted by my waist and backed against the wall.

"Woah" I exclaimed when Laksh had me cornered.

"What's going on?" He asked with folded arms.

By the time and to avoid his question I changed my hairstyle from boring pony to space buns; two side buns. Luckily I had a rubber band around my wrist.

Meanwhile, Laksh observed me then his eyes widened, "oh you- you-

"The real Avi," I said smiling waving my hand." the one you like the one you find entertaining, isn't it?"

He ran a hand through his hair, befuddled.

"Hey no! Don't do that I just made it" I scolded him like a mom.

He looked back at me hand still in his hair.
I narrowed my eyes at it.

He dropped it like a good boy

I grinned then patted his head, "here, here"

He gazed back at me then he said, "you're not her but don't worry I like you equally"

"Excellent!" I clapped my hands. Feeling giddy I wanted to like kiss him for that but this doesn't look like the right time. And I was a bit hesitant to go near him.

Well,

He

Likes me equally

Eqaully?

I didn't want to further analyse that 'you're not her' words and get upset. Ugh, my head hurts. I winced closing my eyes Laksh instantly reached beside me freaked out! and then I found myself drifting away I held his arm shouting "NO!!!"

•
•
•
•

"What's your name child?" The doctor asked.

I narrowed my eyes at him, "you gone mad? Every time why do I need to tell you my name, Sir!" I shouted throwing the nearest thing I had my hands on. Ryan caught the jug swiftly walking towards me, "second Avi?" He said grinning he looked beyond happy for some silly reason.

I glared at him, "stop with this joke I will kill you! Why am I here in the hospital? Where's Laksh?"

"Here," a voice said boredly from beside.

I turned to it coming face to face with him. I stared at him with a speeding heart as my mind flashed with what we did in the seat of odd bro's car. My hand reached out and messed his hair, "I like it messy" I said running his brown curl between my fingers.

Someone cleared their throats. I faced back but not before catching Laksh mumbling, "one likes messy other like it fixed up what a problem.."

I noticed the third person and a new face of a tall woman with spectacles. "You're splitting," she said. Dropping the bomb on me.

~•~•~

When I went back home I cooped myself in my room, playing back the talk I had with the woman.

"You have split personality disorder," the woman told

"Great," I said sarcastically.

"You don't need to fear, people have these some even have multiple personality disorder"

"I don't fear. When that bitch is back tell her this body belongs to me so she can just get lost from my body"

"This is not how it works she's part of yourself"

"I don't want that part where to dump it?"

"Therapy, you will have therapy. Make her talk and feel her wanted"

"So that she never leaves me? No thank you very much. I don't understand I thought I lost my memories?"

"You had for some time but due to trauma and childhood experience had caused this condition. Something happened in your childhood?"

I gulped nervously.I never wanted to play back those memories I don't even remember them clearly, I was too small but those brown marks on my arms were still there to remind me that something happened.

"You don't have to hesitate you can tell me anything," she said with a very professional voice

Nevertheless, I told her, I never told about this to anyone, because no one ever asked and I don't even know how to explain that feeling. My parents didn't brought it ever so I believed maybe it didn't happen I was imagining it. It was chickenpox marks.

I cleared my throat and told whatever I remember
"I don't remember much it's just faint flashbacks. I went to a fair with my parents and there I was lost or kidnapped" I said uncomfortably, " I was five or six years at that time so I don't know much. But what I know is the pain like someone was dragging burned cigarettes over my arms and it's just very ... disgusting and it pulls me to a dark place" I shuddered wrapping my arms around myself feeling so vulnerable at that moment.

"And then I have these marks on my arms," I said gesturing to my arms, "..I don't want to talk about it," I said shaking my head feeling light headed.

The psychologist nodded understanding me with sympathy in her eyes, "I get it. And your other personality remembers everything about it she needs to be talked to and comforted. The latest tragic incident also cause a toll on you making her on the surface to whatever you're running away from"

I nodded absentmindedly.

"Will you continue the therapy? Avi? Help your other part to cope with the traumas of your life" she asked softly.

I found myself trapped weirded out and scared of myself. "I want her to be gone. I want to live my life without any interference"

The woman smiled sadly, "she also wants to, that's the point now. Embrace it she's your own part"

I gave her a deadpanned look, "why don't she just fuck off?"

Rude I know very rude

But you can't blame me for behaving like this repercussions of having a complicated life.

The thing is the more you run from something , the faster it chases you

I didn't want complications in my life

And what did I get?

Complications

Complications

And

Complications

I looked down at the paper. I will take the therapy of course I have to take what other options do I have now?

I laid down the ground rules for the splitting; my other weirdo personality. According to the psychologist, I will have it often she didn't tell me when but it will happen when provoked. When I provoke the post Avi to surface.

Rules for my other personality(hopefully only one)

I wrote

No changing of my hairstyle(like at all especially two buns, please just DON'T!)

Study yes you need to study, I have my exams going on. I better not fail. I don't want to repeat the same class.

Stay away from certain people

Tanya

Ishaan

And Laksh,(We have a kinda complicated relationship you don't have to add more fuel to it)

Remember you're just a personality, attend the session and behave like me don't try to mess with my life.

Write down whatever happens because it seemed we don't remember each other's memory

I hope this will make things easy. Now lemme call Laksh and see to the other things.

Anywayyyyy, out of the two which Avi do you like?