She's a mess of gorgeous chaos and you can see it in her eyes

I gathered my hair and made a big messy bun on top of my head. To not look like some weirdo I tied it with a red ribbon matching the dark blush on my cheeks. So well, I am back I am fucking back then why the hell I didn't feel like myself???  I know I had a worse tragedy. No one could get out of it or just feel awesome with no pain. But it doesn't imply that I will just wallow on and on until I am dehydrated to death.

Not the best way to die.

I cried and drank water, cried and drank water. Because CRYING IS MESSY AND EXHAUSTING!! that shit makes your throat dry and you appear almost like the most unattractive version of yourself.

I am done crying over my fate.

That's what I thought but it's like a switch, one moment off and then another am back to feeling worse.

My mind is a mess. My emotions are wrecked to the point of no return. And I am just feeling clueless about my life. How will it move now? How will I move on?

I wore the shortest of the dress that I dug out in my closet. It was a black straps dress and had just managed to cover my thighs. Since it was cold I wore black stockings and a red leather jacket to cover my shoulders and arms.

The scars shit was another problem that I was postponing to deal with later.

I did the make-up it was a proper one with dark eyeshadows and deep blush. I was almost done with my hair after making a messy bun. Hair was always a major issue. I might somehow do the right makeup following the methods but Hair I was left handicapped there. So I just made a bun and to cover the simplicity and messiness of it, I used the ribbon.

Here I am ready

For what?

No, I wasn't going out to have fun

Neither had I invited anyone to my home

Actually,
I was going to clean my home and this was how I did it. Whenever my mind is running on and on and I can't deal with myself and want to just turn off myself for some moments. I clean the fuck out of my house.
Literally scrubbing the walls to the floor to the ceiling to everything and I,

I do it in style.

I walked out of my room in the red heels.

And at the same time, Ryan's room door opened.

We looked at each other.

My eyes literally popped out spotting him.

I held myself before I go berserk getting mad at him.

He grinned

I shook my head vehemently with my hands raised, "No no Ryan just No"

My protest only broadened his grin. He ambled moving his long legs towards me, adjusting the red tie.

He was complimenting my dress.

Black shirt and black jeans. Red tie with a black coat on!!! He even took some time to make his hair. Like jelled it up with spikes. If I hadn't been furious I would have laughed rolling on the floor.

"Your Highness shall we begin? from the bathroom or Kitchen?" he asked in a posh British accent looping my arm in his. While I struggled to pull it out.

"You won't join me!" I yelled as he dragged me down the hallway.

He was fucking crashing in my pity party!!

Like nosy by nature, he had seen me once wearing a gown and washing dishes. Since then he always wanted to be a part of my cleaning campaign which happened when my mind was fucked up. He had tried umpteenth times and I had always managed to kick him out. But this time he looked well prepared to stick by me.

"You go out and have fun Ryan with your own age people!! with your friends! " I tried to jiggle out from his grasp around me while he wrapped his arm around my shoulder blocking my escape. I sniffed the smell. That twerp was wearing perfume he was damn serious about it!! That made me more enraged and I was a bit impressed by it !!!

"I don't have friends" he reminded me happily.

"Then go fucking die alone!" I elbowed his stomach.

His face grimaced rubbing the spot, "but I have a long time crush on-"

"On your cousin that's gross!!!" I scrunched up my nose shaking his hold which only tightened the more I tried.

"Technically we are not cousins," he said, grinning.

"But by relation wise we are!" I argued.

"So you will date me??? If I disown my stepmother"

I shot him a bemused look.

"That's horrible Ryan!" I failed to not chuckle at it."But Nope" I shook my head.

"Ouch, no sympathy always so harsh that's why I like you!"

"You're not my type Lil bro" I pinched his cheek, too hard.

"You have a type ?" he asked eyes moving to the slit.

I mulled over his question ignoring the unnecessary possessiveness he was radiating. "Currently, I don't have boys on my list to focus on"

Geez for some reason my tangled up mind was flashing Laksh's face. The flustered one, with pink ears. God, it was so so...

so what???

Complete it and you're banished from my life.

Shit, I was banishing myself from myself???

What the hell??

I need to sort my coiled up mind soon.

"So now you have girls on your list. Nice.. why do I find it so hot?" Ryan gazed down at me with a raised eyebrow.

I pushed him away frowning, " eww you're just so gross!!!"

He laughed and went over, motioned his arms dramatically like welcoming me in the Kitchen. "So my lady where to begin?"

I sighed resigned, he won't give up.

My eyes scanned around unfocussed, landing on the undone dishes. And shelves.. well the stuff there was arranged in sequential order. Based on color, sizes, patterns and I don't know how the fuck my post self did it??

How come I had OCD to this extend.

I had a mild case but not to such an extend making me borderline freakish.

I need to disarrange and then arrange them,

Lots of work.

I cleared my throat stepping in,

"Tony!" I ushered," Ryan you're my assistant Tony, "I said trying not to laugh at his expression.

"I am not overjoyed by your name choice," he said flatly.

"That's excellent, I don't want an overexcited and overjoyed assistant. It's a serious task of sheer hard work so Tony, dear you take the upper shelf, take out every cookery from them and set them out on this bar, while I go through the lower ones... alright let's get to work"

"Ma'am I have a suggestion-

"No," I said bending down to open the lower shelf.

"Nice view Ma'am," he said, could hear his smirk.

My head turned back at him, showing him my withering glance.

"You'll be fired on the first day of your job Mr. Tony, do you want to go back to your previous job of making songs?"

"Hell no, I am too bad at it !" He said getting back to the work

"That's what I thought" I turned back smiling. As I was wiping the cutlery and Ryan was doing his work and also singing, just ugh

"gf G-G-G- G - G Gf ban ja meri gf.."

The doorbell rang halting the causing the ear bleeding song.

We shared a look of confusion.

Who could be now?

I waved my hand, signed him to answer the door.

"I should better get some good payment for all this slavery," He said heading for it.

" you yourself took the initiative to be one," I said rolling my eyes.

I continued grazing the bowl, my ears perked up hearing voices at the door then several footsteps leading to this way.

"So you were really serious about it," said a familiar voice in astonishment.

My head jerked up spotting them dressed up and all powdered on. My jaw dropped but I managed to pick it up and turned to Ryan.

He must've noticed my beyond furious expression because he immediately started explaining, "I told them it's a party since a party should be celebrated with more people and as you know the more the merrier.. so what if it's a pity party?" He looked around at them for some moral support. And found none, cuz they avoided looking away awkwardly.

••

Dishearteningly, I slumped down on the bed.

But they couldn't just leave me alone.

So yeah

Someone banged on the door.

"Ryan go away just go away" I threw the pillow at the door angrily. He crossed the line today

"See Avi they came here for you!"

"I don't want them here I don't want you either " I yelled holding my head. I don't even know them. I want to be alone can't they just understand this much.

"Come on Avi, we are just trying to help you-

"I don't want it!"

"We are all your friends," said another voice, Riya maybe.

"I don't consider you all my friends you are not my friend," I told them sharply.

"Ok then who are your friends and where are they? Kid?" Asked Kavya from the other side of the door.

"I am not a kid" I took out a heel and tossed it at the door. It hit it with a thump.

"Then stop behaving like one" complaint the asshole. Now, I can't even call him an asshole because had seen his shy form and that didn't fit well with the asshole title anymore.

I got up and marched towards the door. "you won't tell me! how to behave you won't ever tell me !" I landed my fist on the door and hurt my fingers.

Damn it.

"Open the door," he said ignoring my threat.

"Now this door will open when hell freezes over," I said, turned back and leaned against it.

"The lock is broken just turn the knob it will be open," Ryan told whispering.

Eh??

The door swung open making me stumbled out and falling into someone's arms. My hands grabbed his shoulders for support. I looked up and found myself captured by those intent eyes getting an upside view of his face.

"Hey there" he greeted in the same quite absurd pose we were in, as if I was doing a backflip. (Never try those at homes 🚫 like 𝙉𝙀𝙑𝙀𝙍 🤕♿)

I gathered myself and got out of his hold, calming myself down.

"Okay! what will you all take to leave me alone?" I asked and warned Ryan because his eyes gleamed obviously thinking something stupid

"But we dressed up for this Avi," said Kavya my eye twitched seeing her in a really pretty outfit. That black leather jacket with a cool scarf I might be a little less harsh on her now.

"Look I want to be alone just want to sort out things alone and you guys are disturbing and crowding me. I don't care what you have with Post Avi. The current me and the real me don't have anything to do with you all, at all. I don't hang out with losers " I said then regretted it seeing their hurt expressions.

I had told them to not come near me but they didn't listen then suit yourself. I stormed in throwing the door shut.

I picked my mobile seeing if Tanya replied to my message. She didn't she was mad at me for ditching the school yesterday without telling her. She said she didn't like me getting close to Laksh.

Should I apologize for it?

Why always I am trying to mend the bridges between us?

Why can't she be like them?

I threw my mobile on the bed frustratedly.

I paced around the room in one heel. What to do I am not behaving like myself. I will go crazy feeling so unstable right now.

I walked into the bathroom since I got ready to clean so whatever happens, I am going to scrub off everything.

I wanted a break from my life like a big one I hate complications.

I looked at myself in the mirror how ridiculous and fabulous I appeared.
I rested my head against it sighing out. The sight is sickening I can't help myself from feeling like a fading light.

I need help

I can't deal with it alone

It's not possible

And for that... no matter how much I want to deny and run the other way around. I have to know my other-self.

I washed my face properly rubbing off my foolishness. Made my hair again and moved out of my room. Have expected them to leave me alone, to be a bitch like I was but I was surprised out of my wits finding them still there in the drawing-room with concern looks. I fucking got emotional I covered my eyes to hide the tears and rushed to Ryan because I knew him more than anyone. He was quick enough to catch me. I wrapped my arms around him tightly like he would disappear or I would disappear. I just held him close burying my face in his shoulder as I cried my eyes out. My other hand fisting his shirt because if I didn't grab any support I might breakdown to no repair. I silently begged him to help me. I am right now so alone and lost. Just show me the way out of it

He held my head in a place other arm pulling me close. He was whispering something in my ear but my sobs were too loud to make it out what it was. I wasn't aware how long I cried? How long he held me?

I just knew I was hiding my face in his chest too embarrassed to come out like this and see them with sympathy or mocking eyes. But then I realized they had witnessed my freaky self, the stupid post self, they liked it and were friends with her. They won't judge me anyhow.

Nevertheless, They maintained the distance I was thankful for it.

Slowly I pulled away sniffing. I was literally lying on Ryan. I looked at him. He appeared equally in pain he was biting his lower lip tightly and eyes were brimming with tear. He looked near to crying too for me. I gave out a watery chuckled at it.

His cheeks turned red, "something went in my eyes might be your hair" he explained awkwardly clearing his throat.

I faced them taking a deep breath, I said, "I am sorry" my eyes stayed on the hands in my lap. I was fiddling with my fingers nervously. "I am really sorry how mean I have been to you all. I- I am" I stammered because I didn't know know what else to say.

"We are here for you," Riya said breaking the tension in the air.

I looked at her trying to smile but it turned into a frown when I saw she was sitting near Laksh. My eyes found his, he was like staring into my soul, the warmness behind his look did a few weird flips in my stomach.

"Can I hug you?  " Kavya asked breaking our gazes.

I dragged my eyes away from him

Kavya was sniffing wiping her eyes with a hanky.

I honestly like her. She was so affectionate and I could see my elder version like her but a louder and meaner type. Okay, not exactly the same but I love her fashion sense.

I got up uncertainly and hugged her.. it felt so awkward.

"I am not good with hugs," I said patting her back awkwardly but that didn't stop her from giving me one good reassuring hug. "It won't be alright," she told pulling away. My eyes widened thinking I misheard her "any sooner. It will take time just don't lose hope" she added smiling.

I nodded looking back at Laksh hoping he would also say something and it might be a little because of his disapproving look I was sitting here , that I caught when I shut the door. It irked me badly and I'd tried to ignore it but it just made me rethink my behavior, in the bathroom.

"I would suggest you consult a therapist," he said, he said the shitiest thing out there. He should have kept his good for nothing mouth close.

I glared at him, "I am not a maniac"

"Don't be stereotypical calling that only crazy people visit therapist... It would be better honestly just think over it" he said looking away.

"The coldest reassurance. Thank you" I replied observing him. I don't like how he changes his attitude toward me. What's up with him?? Why was he here anyway?

I turned my attention to others.

"I don't know you all well as I used to" I paused. I used to know like my previous self. "So I might be mean at times but I will check myself I am still in denial and confused-

"You don't have to worry. You can behave like yourself and we can behave like ourselves" Riya said assuring me.

I tried to smile this time without a frown but it kinda got forced when I saw her stealing glances with Laksh.

"Oh enough with being emotional let's watch a movie since we all are here" Ryan suggested.

" I don't have time for it I have assignments to catch up.. but yeah I can do it tomorrow," Kavya said laughing nervously looking at Riya who gave her a stern look.

I got up excusing myself while they decided over which movie to watch.

I was getting myself a glass of water feeling drained but light now as if a big knot was uncoiled loosening then I heard footsteps behind me. I turned thinking it was Ryan but it was Laksh.

I leaned against the refrigerator lifting my glass up, watching him silently while I drank water.

He covered the distance rubbing his neck awkwardly, "I am sorry.." he mumbled looking at everything but me.

I blinked amazed he was apologizing and yep he appeared way too uncomfortable by it.

"What are you mumbling?" I asked masking my amusement with sharpness in my tone.
He looked up and showing how serious he was.

"I am sorry," he said again, taking a step towards me.

the sincerity on his face made me dumbstruck.

"I was acting like an asshole"

"True to your form," I said in a low voice.

"We might be strangers but we do care for you," he said uncomfortably.

"Please be more clear" I acted unfazed but him admitting to it, took my heart away.

"I do care," he said looking back at me eyes roaming over my face. It might be splotchy with all this crying.

And now it was my turn to appear uncomfortable

"Why do you care?" I asked softly.

"Because of humanity" he answered with a shrug.

Humanity.. okayyyy...I tried not to snort at it.

"And something else" he completed turning around before I could even react at it.

I let the words sink in. Feeling light-headed, I grabbed his arm stopping him.

He glanced back surprised,

"Laksh, Tutor me?" I said

••