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You return like autumn,
And I fall every time

My Aunt said that I could stay back and take a leave of absence from school for some days, like until I was ready and stable enough to deal with the things but I felt more trapped inside my house. The memories of the lost of them was suffocating me so anything was better than this. I could grasp anything that could have my mind busy and just keep me distracted from not remembering the recent pain. I don't know if it will ever lessen? My dense self was still wishing it was a nightmare and hoping it will be over now, it will be over... I just need to open my eyes.

I just have to open my eyes and accept that it won't.

I might move on or not but the pain and this loss would remain fixed forever now. I can't change it and I can't cling to false hopes.

So I prepared for the school tomorrow.

I was building myself mentally as to how will I face others. I still hadn't contacted Tanya my best friend or Ishaan my boyfriend maybe ex now Things had been so complicated that I have no option left than to turn my eyes away from it. Complications always gave me headaches. I mostly chose to avoid them. At school people would obviously think now I had gone crazy I mean I can't even blame them, putting myself in their shoes I would also think I need some mental help. Considering the way I was flipping my behaviors.

I sighed.

Maybe I should change the school. But then I don't want to be come across as a burden which I was but not to be as too much on my Aunt. She's still hadn't recovered from the realization that post-Avi did self-harm.

The doctor consulted me the therapist.

I admit, I really needed one

But screw it! My patience ran short. I can't bear being mentally examined by some stranger. I could barely confine into myself , hell I don't even know what's going on with me and the more or less I don't care about it.

The knock on my door broke my reverie.

I turned pushing the Physics register inside my bag. Post Avi's writing was also different and she didn't even do the school work. At all
In fact, the only thing that could prove my absence was through my books. Left untouched for six months. What was she aiming at? To make me repeat the class!!

She had really messed with my life.

"What is it, Ryan?" I asked glancing at the clock on the bedside. 10 pm.

It would be him who else. Right now.

My Aunt was avoiding me she seemed more cautious around me as if I would break any moment just merely by her glance. Ryan said he will fill me in later about something that happened between Aunt and Post Avi. Honestly, I don't wish to know what else Post Avi had Spoiled.

Ryan poked his head inside grinning, "can I come inside?"

"No"

"Okay, can you come here?"

"No"

"Well can you stop being so rude?"

"No," I said at last facing him. He and that devil's spawn in his arms. The unwanted cat. That boiled my blood.

Me having a pet. And didn't remember getting it.
Speaks volumes about my mental condition.

Then that asshole how can I forget definitely Post Avi was his friend or something. The horror

Can I just run away from this all, for a while

"What do you want?" I snapped
I knew I was behaving more like a bitch to him. But he should understand and give me some space for now.

"We are having a slumber party," Ryan told waving the cat's paw.

I frowned at the cat it meowed in agreement.

Ryan continued, "we are going to sleep with you that is; all three of us together"

I stared at him with a look you have lost your mind."I love your confidence how you thought I would allow you in here"

I got up to close the door on their faces

"Oh c'mon I am just worried and I want to take care of you" he reasoned which I found difficult to make sense with. I know that I wasn't in the right mind and I would have chosen death than to feel this way. But that's not the answer and I am way too afraid of death than to live.

"Ryan I won't do anything to me, please trust me I know what my post self did but, no Ryan I won't pick that razor I can't hurt myself that's different I am different than her," I said more like told myself. I couldn't come to terms that I would do something like this to me.

I used to turn the house upside down over little cuts and here I just ... can't understand how did this happen and why did I let myself do so...

He nodded slowly I could see that he wasn't convinced still.
"I won't be able to sleep Avi with worry on my head. Just for the night, I say...I don't know why are you being so against it, we used to share the bed when we were kids remember?.."

I folded my arms, "in case you haven't noticed we have grown up" what's wrong with him. He's being extra clingy now.

"Oh I have noticed," he said eyeing me from up to down

I threw a pillow at him, abashed.

"Whatever you speak this won't happen," I told ignoring him setting my bag down.

I can't sleep, sleep would be the last thing in my mind but I can't even move out of my bed. I set the alarm clock for school time. Knowing Ryan was still hovering at the door.

"We will stay here then, outside your room by the door right here like knights, isn't it Shiru? A slumber party at the doorside yay..." He said with feign excitement.

He's being way too protective for my own good.

"Just keep the voice low and there would be no harm," I told lying down getting under the sheets.

There were movements outside after the door was closed. With the thought of him sitting or whatever doing outside my room made me more tensed and I could only think of it because of my adamant curiosity as to what was he doing there??? And then that cat, a wild cat if it hurt him and it was also cold ...and ughhh

I hit the pillow frustratedly. I shot up shouting, "get in and just lay on the floor go have pneumonia or die the least I could care but don't stay out.. that's annoying!!"

He opened the door immediately dropping the mattress as if he was ready already," I knew it you will come around, told you Shiru on the count of 10 everything happens. Note it on the count of 10."

"Cats are not allowed in my room" I gave a dirty look at the cat it snarled in return, "especially cats which have attitude problems"

Ryan chuckled, "good thing that it isn't included for humans then you would be banned from your own room"

I shot him a death glare.

He smiled nervously, "Shiru said that"

"Ryan keep the cat out" I fussed over it more because that cat reminded me of Post Avi. And how different she was.

"We are a complete package in or out together," Ryan told tugging the cat and lying down, already knew he won.

I swear the cat smirked triumphantly.
I dropped exhaling. At least the day was over.

*

The next morning I stood in front of the mirror in my school dress. I stared back at the girl, feeling disoriented for some reason. My brain was flashing images of me in bangs and some other uniform. Red uniform with cap.

I had to clip the bang off from my forehead I didn't like bangs it made me look like a kid. My hand reached for an eyeliner but halted giving up at last.

The feeling of I going to school made me sick. I was dressed completely, done looking almost how I was. But what about others they would have me now in different form. I hate attentions I hate to be the topic of gossips. No matter how much I tell myself that I don't care what others think of me and their opinions didn't matter to me. But it did, I cared sometimes I do and I can't help it.

I was popular. People used to admire my confident self they were jealous of me they wanted to be like me daring and persistent. I might say I didn't care but I did like it when I have people wishing to be in my place or looking up at me. I didn't like attention but I loved the difference the good difference that made me stood out from the crowd.

But nothing matters now I feel so drained out and lost. I can't even look at myself without having so many thoughts and pulled down by constant pain

I crouched holding my head. I can't go to school like this. I am not prepared for it mentally and emotionally.

The familiar car honked startled me. I got up slowly dusting my skirt. I glanced at the road found a sleek black Audi outside my house.

I hung my bag over my shoulder and headed for the door after trudging out of my room.

Ryan was dressed up too in his school uniform grey slacks and blazer. He was leaning against the main gate, "hey" he said scrutinizing me then nodded self-assuring himself.

"I am going," I told him bobbing my head up and down making my mind.

"Okay....are you sure?" He asked.

I nodded once more. He studied at a different school. Because my parents got me admission to the town's best school. Sometimes I wondered if they didn't things would've changed how I became now. I mean I wasn't the nicest person out there. I had a mean streak and inclination towards a lavish lifestyle. I remembered how spendthrift I was back then. Spending money without any care of earning.

I got out straightening my shoulder catching up to my gait.

The door clicked open, "welcome back" Tanya said sliding her goggles up, giving me a tight smile.

I slid at the passenger seat my body adjusting to the car's warmness the similar light musk should've given me comfort rather it made me feel foreign.

"So how do you feel?" Tanya asked after some, moments taking out the car from the driveway.

"Restless" I answered I looked out the window as we turned to the school road.

"Smoke it out" Tanya offered tilting her head towards the cigarettes in the case

I turned staring at them. I wasn't a smoker but there was a time I did light up one or two just to fit in the circle.

I leaned against the seat, "be honest Tanya was I acting too weird?" I asked referring to Post Avi

She glanced at me her long lashes brushing her cheekbones, "that would be the understatement. You stayed away from me Avi like I was your enemy. Actually, you have been very nasty to me and Ishaan. "

"I am sorry?" It came out as a question. If I was nasty towards her Tanya would shot back being 10 times nastier.

She drew her eyes back to the road
"When we were only trying to help you in our best ways. It wasn't you but yeah now I am happy that you are back. You made me worried Avi. I thought you would never come back" she smiled which appeared forced in a way.

We were best friends the moment we met. That was in the first grade I remembered, the memory distinct of Tanya tossing the notebooks of a student to me with an evil smile I caught it mirroring the grin. I threw the notebook out the window. To be on her good side. It was of some nerd. A teacher's pet made our lives miserable. A good lesson we taught her that day. From then onwards I admired Tanya's evil mind involuntarily copying her to be like her as to how everybody feared and respected her at the same time. We used to hang out together at her mother's modeling shoots locations. Which were cool and out of reach for any middle-class people. We had fun playing around with dresses calling dibs on older boys. I was like a sidekick for her. The executor of her evil and fun plans. I liked how I made myself her best friend. Anyone would kill to be in my spot. She told me she liked my bold and unflinching attitude.

And through her, I met Ishaan he was her best friend. I had an instant crush when I first saw him. Tanya told me to give it up. Because she knew Ishaan he wouldn't ever choose me. It was kind of shocking when he responded to my attraction or to my constant attempt to be noticed by him. I was pleased with myself but should know better. This was a reality, not some cliche movie where insta love exists and people fall for just because of love. He wanted to use me to get back at Laksh yes that asshole will always be the cause of my misery.

We reached the school. Tanya parked the car near to its pair that I knew was of Ishaan. I took a moment to gather myself before stepping out.

"I am guessing you're alright I mean the grieving period is over? Six months something"Tanya asked getting out. She didn't wait for me just sauntered ahead. I told myself to get up and follow her like I always did. But her words struck me I know I wasn't looking for sympathy but neither I was expecting such a cold and apathetic response. Like I was too immature and dramatic to still cry over it. I shook my head Tanya had always been like this ice queen type. It shouldn't bother but wasn't she my friend so a few words of encouragement or just even asking me was I really alright? Was it a lot to expect from her?

I made sure I had my chin up and not to appear as a sulking one or giving depressed vibes. I just hope I don't run into Ishaan on the way to my class.

There was this girl with big spectacles moving beside me I saw her in the hospital. Were we in the same class? She was stealing glances. And it was becoming kinda annoying.

I ignored her getting in the class.

The class chattering ceased as I entered.

I looked back at the faces staring at me with reactions; curious, disgust, sympathy, hesitancy their lips whispering something that my mind made up to
"Now what she is?"

"Is she pretending?"

"How can someone use their parents' death for attention?"

Their eyes accessing me relentlessly. I seemed to be frozen at the spot. Unsure of how to behave? Or just step back and return home?

"Move ahead don't block the entrance," the voice said. It made my head snapped to its source.

I glared at him the discomfort evaporated leaving only burning fury seeing him.

"Don't tell me what to do!! You won't get to tell me what to do! I can stand here for a whole day if I want to" I yelled standing in front of him.

He raised his brow acting cool as a cucumber. While I burned I was so angry at him how dare he kissed me and dump that good-for-nothing cat at my home.

"Then I will do what I want," he said stepping closer.

I eyed him suspiciously unaware we had an audience around.

He took one more step way too close for my comfort. I stepped back unconsciously

But he didn't back down like expected from him. He covered the distance.

"What a-rre you doing?" I asked doing a backward walk didn't realize we had entered inside the class now.

He strolled in taking a seat beside me.

"Perfect, now stand here so that I can watch you while sitting. 'the whole day'" he smirked leaning back against his chair.

Ughh. I pursed my lips to embarrass to acknowledge my own defeat. I kicked his desk and walked between the rows flicking my pony back.

"Where are you going we are seatmates!" he called.

"Yeah of course in your dreams," I said slumping to an empty seat. When I sat then it dawned on me I behaved just I was without any hesitation without fretting what others thought.

I looked in front already found Laksh looking at me. He gave a slight nod and turned.

Did he rescue me in his own way?

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Shit i didn't mean to make it(chapter) so long 🤦