"where to miss?"
"To the stars"

I have never felt this distorted in my life. The thing that stunned me was, I was reacting too calmly. Like barricading my inner storms from reaching up.

How should I take it? How should I come to the terms that now I was left as an orphan. I felt numb all over. God my parents...

What in the world happened to my life?

My eyes blurred with tears. I stared at the ceiling fan in my room.

I can't even say I am fine because I was too mute to say anything. I wasn't fine how could I even be fine now?

The face of my mother came to my mind as the tears flow down my cheeks.

I am alone now

I am so alone

I looked at my hands. I don't know where to look, everything was reminding me of them.

I buried my head on my pillow.

I am six months late for grieving.

I didn't get to see them. It's just like yesterday.. just yesterday how I used to barge in home returning from school. Mummy shouting close the door keep the shoes in the rack. I, rushing not hearing her she was there as the default in the background of my life. I could remember how I call my father whenever I needed something. I could remember the dining table we eating together. Those trips those smiles and me looking up for their appreciations. Having a dream to make them proud. How can my life feel so empty now? How can I move forward with having no one beside me?

I feel so alone

They completed me they were there for me until now. I thought they will be there with me always. I thought we will be together till the end. I could never imagined something like this could have happened. Why will I imagine this? I never thought so how should I take this now?

Why couldn't I also die with them?

How will I do it alone?

I can't believe it had to be a nightmare please God please it's a nightmare I pray, I beg you
I clutched the pillow burying my sob in it. My body shook. It break having no one to hold me now. Comfort me and tell me everything will be alright.

I always used to nag I used to take them for granted maybe God is punishing me. I accept it I will cry and be good from now on but..Please it be a nightmare I can't live like this. I just can't live this way.

I grasped the pillow my eyes tightly shut, my lips mumbling desperately, "please please"

hoping it will be over soon.

It should be over soon.

I wanted to forget it all.
I wanted to escape this all I don't want it. This is cruel. God you are so cruel.

"Avi" Ryan called from outside my door. I didn't know for how long I had myself locked in my room.

"It's a dream Ryan?" I asked, could even hear how my voice sounded so hoarse.

"Open the door," he said.

I won't be able to move out of here. I don't want to meet anyone I don't want to talk to anyone. I just....my eyes again welled up I turned ignoring him. Putting my arms on my head to hide away as much as possible.

"Avi beta please open the door" my Aunt's voice requested softly

It made me more to stay there and never come out. I hate sympathy, it makes me feel so inferior. I hate everyone being now cautious around me.

I can't deal with this.

I punched the headboard lifelessly. I felt too drained out to even take out my anger which got extinguished. I couldn't even find it within me.

"Avi, mom is worried about you she thinks you'll do something to yourself. Lemme in I will stay away from you I won't disturb you I promise, just let me in. We want to be sure that you don't..." Ryan said tapping the door.

Now I am already feeling like a burden. I tugged my sleeves up.

I know I won't ever do self-harm.

But these scars speak something else.

How can Post Avi do this to my skin? I felt angry and disgusted towards her.

How can she abuse my body like this?

I punched the headboard this time with full force that it shook. The vibration could be felt for a long.

"Avi!" Ryan yelled alarmingly.

"Calm down your stupid ass Ryan!" I yelled at him.

Furiously, I went over and yanked the door open.

"Get in and if you utter any rubbish I'll pull your tongue out and toss it to south Africa" I pulled him in locking the door. Catching my Aunt off guard but she nodded little tension lifted from her shoulders.

"Alright alright, I will keep my mouth shut," He said, making a show of zipping his mouth and throwing the key towards me.

Involuntarily, I proceeded on by doing the catching and breaking it act.

I eyed him keeping my hands on my hip.

He dropped down on the bean bag taking in my puffy eyes.

The weight hadn't just disappeared from my chest but it felt a bit less prominent seeing him.
And his accident injury.

I shouldn't feel okay seeing his, a bit damaged face. The sick sadistic side of me found comfort that I wasn't alone in dealing with something traumatic.

I turned away but he still looked fine.

I kicked the table sick of myself feeling jealous of him. When I shouldn't his life was no easy from mine. Drunkard father and Too- careless stepmom. He was kinda alone too.

We weren't blood-related because my aunt was his stepmom.

But I always saw him as a cousin. A small little annoying cousin who looks elder than me now.

I again kicked the table shooting him a dirty look.

He grinned.

"Tell me about this bish!" I said facing him back.

Right now I only wanted to know about Post Avi what idiocy she did in these six months. A better distraction for a moment.

He breath out, "she was a cinnamon roll" he answered, "cute little cinnamon roll but she was scared of me because of my ugly face-

"Oh please" I raised my hand stopping him, "you look anything but ugly. In fact, you look kinda mysterious and dark -

"And handsome?" he provided with a raised eyebrow, smiling.

"I was going to say mature but anyway your brain is still small"

"Ouch that's harsh" he held his chest with a fake pained expression.

"Drop it will you? tell me did she write something for me a reminder, a diary, or anything to keep me updated about my life. Don't tell me that bish was planning to take over my life and completely erased off my existence" I paced across the room and punched the headboard imagining her that was... me??

Oh, my fingers hurt now.

I looked around haphazardly for something that gives me any clue about Post Avi or whatever.

I toss my books out from the shelf.

She was organized.

"Organized bitch" I muttered, throwing the Merchant of Venice over my shoulder.

"You are technically spurting curses at yourself," Ryan said in my ear standing right behind me.

I swirled not surprised at all, "I told you don't do that it's very creepy. I can guess why she was scared of you" I pushed his shoulders getting out of his way.

He always did that, creeping over me to scare me or make me feel uncomfortable and.... my head snapped to him, "Don't Tell me you were making a pass at her that is indirectly okay not indirectly, it's directly me Ryan"

He shrugged acting adoringly. Pouting and scratching his head.

oh, I wanted to kill him right now.

He had a weird belief that he loves me. I wanted to whack his head and throw him outta the window for it.

"How long will that stupid head of yours get that I see you as a brother???"

I flicked his forehead with my fingers.

"I am brotherzoned that shit hurts a lot. Anyway, that wasn't you and she weren't you" he opened the book that

I didn't know he was carrying.

"Dissociative Identify Disorder. A disorder characterized by the presence of two or more distinct personality states. It is usually a reaction to trauma as a way to help a person avoid bad memories" he read out glancing at me.

"Get out!" I ordered.

"So what I am saying is that Post Avi wasn't you she was your different personality which came up to the surface to help you cope with the trauma. Anyway, the accident was deadly I too have nightmares still." He said closing the book.

"Get out," I said in a strained voice.

He nodded looking at my face. I knew, again it was smudged with tears.

He turned slowly making his way out. Then whirled back and walked to me, hugged me tightly taking me by sudden. I wrapped my arms around his waist hesitantly. This way I felt less alone.

"You're not alone, you have me here Avi, we are together in this"

••

With my face cupped I was gazing at the sky through my window.

The only thing I found of Post Avi was this quote "when there will be no light. I will look up at the sky for a star. How something dead still shines?"

It was from my father's quote book. He had a habit of writing quotes. And Post Avi had neatly encircled some of them.

So something I found common between us.

Post Avi also liked gazing up at the stars.

Those celestial bodies had always relaxed me. The dim but pretty silver glow was so soothing. I could stare at them forever. The moon was beautiful in its own way. But I love stars more. I feel they are staring at me. They are looking inside me. I could see myself in there. I could see them inside me. The light glow telling me it's alright.
Like,
The universe is watching me and somewhere from up there, my parents are watching too.

What would be your next step Avi?
Will you give up already?

My phone rang

Oh my God, I am a fool
Keep on coming back to you
I am so stupid for you
I am so stupid for you

At least Post Avi herself knew how stupid she was.

I looked at the caller id.
Laksh

Wait

what???

How did I have this asshole's number? That bitch cleared all my friends from the contact list and had this asshole's number.

Seriously she was a stupid case!!

I received the call with a growl, "calling me at the wrong time asshole? How dare you!"

There was a pause.

He might have collapsed from a shock.

Not my headache I was going to hang up

When his cool uncaring oh how I hate that voice replied, "Oh look who's back again

"Would you yourself do the honor to buzz off or I myself block you?" I swear if Post Avi that is PA the personal assistant of my body did anything stupid like by being chummy with my rival in my absence, I will light everything up. I swear. Ughh.

"You might not remember but we were dating," he said

I choked on his words.

I hit my chest, "so not creative of using my illness, I expected better from you"

"Oh, my bad you caught me. Actually, You said you secretly like me"

"Whaaattt" I blurted before I could remind myself he was just poking me. I might have liked him but his personality is too repulsive to handle.

He's so arrogant how he considered others beneath him. Like we were fools and he was some wise old.. too above to mingle with us.

Someone had to pull him down and show him his place. And that's gonna definitely be me. I hated conceited assholes like him.

Too proud to talk

Too cool to make friends

I am just gonna be a lone wolf and rule

Bullshit

"Stop with this nonsense how do I have your number?" I asked. Ryan told me I used to go to school. He showed me the video I didn't pay much attention I wasn't emotionally stable to care for anything at the moment.

"Okay whatever just don't call me again," I said hanging up without waiting for a reply.

Before I could switch off he called again,

"What?" I asked irritated and tired now.

"Come outside," he said

"Say again" I warned him. If he was outside my house he better run back home because I am not in a mood to tolerate this.

"I am outside your house"

"Dammit what are you doing just go back and bother someone else"

"Okay"

"Exactly" I nodded the boy knew his place.

"I am getting in"

"Jshdkkdkfjks.." I cursed storming out. That's it he's dead.

Ryan was eating a sandwich and was still reading that BOOK !!!

"Keep that book away or I'll burn it with you!" I glared at him.

"I miss Post Avi" he wailed running towards his room.

I jogged out with narrowed eyes.

Indeed the asshole stood out with a.. cat!!???

The cat ran towards me

what the...

I skittered away as it leaped at me

"What the fuck is wrong with you!!" I shouted at the bizarre cat who has lost his mind.

"That's Shiru," Laksh said, "Riya brought it to me she said you won't remember her but my brother is allergic to cats so I can't keep it "

"Then throw it on the streets" I shooed the cat away with my foot. Can't trust it with its attacking entry.

"It's your cat," Laksh said folding his arms

"Again, just throw it on the streets" my PA left this for me fool I hated animals she should know better.

"I can't, it belongs to my girlfriend"

I glared at him

He raised his brow, "what? we were dating" he clarified smoothly.

"Stop with this act it makes me want to puke" if that was true. I will kill PA(post avi)
you exploited my life in the best way,
alright slow claps.

He stepped forward blocking my way, "yep we did and you don't know what we did?" He asked with a look of promise and dark secrets that I wanted to slap it off and hide my face.

I cleared my throat, "whatever it be I don't remember ..it's over so both of you just go and cry somewhere else" I gave a sharp look at the cat.

I pushed the door but he stopped it with his foot

His face hovering over mine. He accessed me taking in my face, "you were crying?" He said in a low voice.

"No, I was rolling on the floor, laughing my ass off " I tried to close the door over his foot.

It didn't hurt him Jeez just give it up already.

I kicked his foot.

Move it bloody move it

While I was struggling, he leaned in and kissed my cheek

?!!!!?

I froze, my hair being drawn away behind my ear by his finger.
My mind went blank. I stared back into his eyes. He stepped back not breaking the eye contact, then turned leaving alone.

I blinked touching my cheek the spot where he kissed.

Wait

What

Alone!!!

"Shiru darling is back!?" Ryan yelled happily from inside

That asshole tricked me

Ughh

I kicked the door shut

•••
Okay there are some of you who didn't understand what happened in the previous chapter.

On the outside I was like

I WILL EXPLAIN!! I WILL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING!!!!
I LOVE EXPLAINING 🤩

And on the inside. i was

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I don't know how to make it more clear but I hope this chapter explained everything if not

Then yeah I will explain 😂😂😔

Long story in a short way- Avi is 17 years old now, during an accident she lost her memories for like 6 months..and from the first chapter you read about was of Post Avi the one that had lost her memories like completely. 6 months later that is now she got it back but she doesn't remember about the six months or whatever happened during the chapters you have read till now. So yep now the story continues I hope by the end everything will be cleared as in understood 👍😀😊