Is my soul too dark for you?

My finger trailed on the long running scars over the dark brown ones on my arm. The red jutting lines still couldn't cover up the ugly brown ones. I felt disgusted at, all of them. Some I got, some I gave to myself. Some were healed and some will be there forever.

Every morning when I stood bare under the shower I had to face them, I had to uncover them, they told no matter how much I cover, how real I pretend, they won't go ever, they were embedded on my skin, they were marked to my soul and I can't overlook them. I won't be able to forget them, even if I try. But at least I can cover the brown ones the ugly part that had burned me from within. I hated them mostly. So whenever they become clear visible to the outside, I cover them again with mine. I picked the razor my hand shook, my soul whispering Don't do this, don't do this Avi.

But I had to

If I didn't I would be out with no guard and helpless. I had to protect myself even though it hurt me. But, I feel less disgusted and almost okay like this.

••

When I was dressed up for school I pulled my bag that was placed on the Kitchen chair.

My eyes roamed around searching for Ryan, he didn't come in. With unsure steps I walked out and found him outside at the door. He was sat on the step with his head in his hands

"Ryan?" I said frowning

He looked up, his lips curled downward and eyes held sadness.

Sometimes I forget he's only fifteen years old. We both have suffered a lot while I was able to keep it inside, he couldn't do the same. Either you hide in the darkness or you become something darker and rule over it.

Where I got the scars I could cover that part but Ryan couldn't, even if he tried to. He had a long scar running across the left cheek of his face. It was like a strip starting from below the left eye to his upper neck. It was worse before, through the treatment it recovered much now but not completely gone. The remains of it, was still right there on his face reminding him everyday of that night. That's the reason why I avoided him as much as possible he was my trigger, just one glance and I am pulled back to that night even though he saved me physically, the slow healing was from inside. And, It never ends

"What happened?" I asked him fiddling with the straps of my bag.

"I am not feeling well today, I don't want to go to school" he replied gazing down at something in his lap.

I shifted more trying to see what it was.

"Okay but you'll stay here alone?" I said. Our Aunt was MIA again.

He had a crumbled blue color note

"Yeah well isn't that always?" He asked looking up. I stifled my breath when I came straight to his face. As if shouting this is all because of you!!

I hesitantly sat near him, "what happened?" I said softly.

"I liked this girl and I kept this in her desk" he showed the blue paper written in a neat handwriting.

I am crushing on you madly
And I know is that
I like you like crazy

"She threw the paper back in my face saying stay away from her I am too ugly and I scare her" he said trying to cover it with a smile.

"You're not ugly..."
My heart break for him

"Do I scare you also Avi ?" He asked again he asked it everyday.

And I always lied, "no"

He did scare me when he shouldn't.. all he did is helped me. He got that scar on his face because of me. And maybe I was too guilty for it or maybe I think some part of me think getting closer to him made me realize how ugly I was too, with scars like him.

But, then there was this fear of him, that he would go to any extend just to protect me.

"Avi do you also like someone?" He asked changing the subject.

"No" I said immediately.

"It's good, then we'll be alone together, Avi" He said smiling, dropping the note at my foot.

••

"What happened to your mood today?" Riya asked during the break when I absent-minded walked into the third person today.

"I am in a mood of something spicy" I said, as I got in the cafeteria.

Today we decided to eat in the cafeteria. Both of us made our way in the sea of students. Today being Friday had 20% off on all the eatables. Like everything of this school, Cafeteria was also grand and most talked about thing of this school. From day one, I stayed away from Limelight so I rarely eat at there.

I remember how I was roaming around the school like a lost puppy on the first day of my school, I found Riya on the bleachers of Basketball court, a girl with big spectacles slouched in the corner engrossed in her work. Something about her attitude like she found others too boring than her work. While people there were admiring the basketball players, she was admiring her notebook. Curiosity took better of me and I'd joined her and found she was sketching some anime character and that was what, had her immersed in.
She was repeating class 11. She sat alone at the corner of the class drawing sketches not caring about lessons. I don't know why she didn't have friends maybe because she wasn't interested in doing friends like thing or others find her weird. However, I find her cool and made sure we were friends.

Unbelievably, somehow we became best friends. We both didn't like studying and we both didn't care what other think of us. She drew sketches and I drew troubles. Well you can say that.

We chose the empty table which was few tables away from Tanya's group.

"There's a line" Riya said grumbling eyeing the counter.

"I hate lines, let's get in the middle!" I suggested getting up.

"Sit down we don't want drama, tell me about Lux-

"Laksh" I corrected her. The boy didn't care at all how wrong people call his name.

Riya studied with shrewd eyes, "say again"

I shrugged," his name is Laksh"

"When did you start caring?"

When I realized I might have a crush on him.

Nooooo!!! I didn't think that

"I-I well you know it's wrong to call people by some other name than their actual name, right?" I reasoned but I was cut off suddenly by-

"Hey freak" Aryan slid in the chair next to me.

Riya frowned at me" I am getting the lunch Avi" and silently added, till then get rid of him please, she headed towards the front counter.

"What now?" I asked Aryan suspiciously. He was coming from Tanya's table.

"I have a message for you"

"You're officially a messenger now "

"And the message is meet Ishaan in the lockeroom"

"In the boys locker room?" I whispered.

"No girls locker room" Aryan said rolling his eyes

"Then it's fine" I said in relief.

"Of course boys locker room!"

"I don't do those things" I told him glancing at Ishaan wasn't he too upfront about it?

All boys are the same

I tsked shaking my head. Where was Laksh? Where did he go in the break?? Today in the morning we talked less. I mean it was Laksh what can we expect from him and no matter how many times I told myself he helped me by hiding my head.. yesterday .... but I couldn't stop feeling mushy and expecting something more out of that act. I was wrong but, Laksh behaved cool as a cucumber.
Maybe it was a natural thing, he did around.

Ishaan was laughing at something Tanya told, really that girl can crack a joke? How surprising.

Anyway,
I liked the positive vibes I felt when I was with Ishaan though, I never pay attention to what he says or does, he was just a good distraction for me. He loved me I think so or didn't. Shoot I was losing my act. Well in Happy Avi's world Ishaan loves her.

Aryan chuckled in disbelief, "don't get fanciful Freak he won't leave Tanya for anyone or Tanya won't let him. Just be present and get out of this mess soon."

"I don't like him either anyway" I just waved him off.

"Oh she doesn't like anyone she just like getting in trouble" Riya said keeping the tray.

I took the fry silently agreeing with her.

Time to clear up the mess and see what Ishaan had to say now.

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