Chapter 15: Feelings

"Ed..." I said in warning, placing a hand to his chest.

Heat from the hard muscle beneath my palm burned through the light fabric of his shirt, doing little to help my efforts to resist him.

"Relax," he murmured. "I just said bye to Hattie. No need to worry about anyone's feelings getting hurt."

Feelings. Little did he know that it wasn't Hattie's feelings on the line.

As his lips traced the slope of my neck, I melted into him, my hips sinking into his, my arms extending over his broad shoulders until they reached the cool wall behind his head.

"Although I did enjoy seeing the jealousy on your face when she touched me..."

"I wasn't jealous," I said.

His mouth curved against my ear. "No need to lie. I got a little jealous, too, when I heard how much you loved blowing your ex in public places."

The tips of his fingers bit into my waist, drawing me further into him until every hard plane of his body pressed into the softer curves of mine.

"It wasn't so much the public aspect," I replied, mainly to goad him, because admittedly the public aspect had been pretty exciting at the time, but given that Ed and I could never do that together, and I had no wish to even risk it, the appeal had somewhat dulled.

"Hm," he hummed against my throat, and the vibrations shot straight to my core. "Just enjoyed him, then?"

My fingers toyed with the tufts of hair at the base of his head as I leaned back to smile up at him.

"You should be grateful," I said. "If I hadn't enjoyed it back then, you wouldn't be benefitting from it right now."

When he flexed his hips, his hard-on rubbed directly over my clit. I pressed my eyes shut and hissed as a wave of lust rolled through me.

"I don't think I am benefitting from it right now," he said.

"True." I rested my entire body weight against him, pinning him to the wall. "Last time you came far too quickly to benefit from what I can actually do to you."

He chuckled darkly, his palms skating up my sides, the heels of his hands grazing my breasts. My nipples tightened and the hard peaks scraped against the soft fabric of his shirt, the thin lace of my bodysuit hiding nothing.

"That was a one-off. I was far too excited about getting my dick inside that smart mouth of yours for the first time in months."

"Mm, it showed."

The heat of his breath warmed my ear as he whispered his next words. "I'll make up for it next time. I'll fuck your mouth for so long that you'll be begging me to come."

My pulse rushed and throbbed erratically between my legs. To relieve some of the pressure, I rocked against his erection again, and he groaned, the sound deep and tortured in his throat.

"Fortunately I have a great memory." He pressed a slow kiss just below my ear. "So I can remember exactly how good you are at swallowing my dick." His lips skimmed along my jaw, then up to the edge of my mouth. "And every last drop I empty down your throat..."

Fuck. We shouldn't be having this conversation in a public place, even in this private, dark corner. Every fibre of my body craved him. Little sparks of electricity flickered over my skin and pooled at the apex of my thighs until the heavy, empty ache reached the point of pain.

"We really shouldn't," I whispered when his lips brushed teasingly over my own.

"No?" He smiled against my mouth, and it was equal parts endearing and enticing—ultimately coaxing my heart to betray my head.

I knew almost instantly that we weren't on the same page. While I'd moved forwards numerous chapters since our banter at the table, Ed's mind had stayed focused on the dirty talk.

And for several minutes, I let myself slip back there. I arched my body firmly against his, moaning into his mouth as I fought the temptation to grind on his erection, and I welcomed the dominance of his tongue as it eased past my lips, twisting with my own while his fingers pinched at the skin of my waist.

This was easy and simple. Pure physical with no emotions. It was what we'd said it had to be if we were to delve back into that side of our relationship.

But that was before my agreement to be by his side metaphorically had moulded into a desire to be by his side physically. It was before he'd held my hand under the table to comfort me during Mark and Helen's interrogation, despite the fact we'd fought only shortly before. It was before my icy heart had melted watching him devote hours to those children. It was before he'd arranged the best night of Charlotte's life, just because I'd asked him to. And it was before he'd withered in shame from not knowing any of Hattie's songs, probably because he'd been more focused on fulfilling a request from me than getting to know her.

Ed broke away from the kiss, and concern briefly replaced the intense darkness in his eyes.

"You alright? I was joking about the bathroom, by the way. I'm not actually going to drag you in there..."

I hadn't realised that my reluctance had started to show, but we were here now. I was in the bubble, and I didn't want to leave. So I leaned into him again, closing my mouth around his bottom lip, sliding my fingertips along his neck until they sunk into his hair. This time it was different. It was tender. Gentle. Affectionate. It was everything I tried not to be with him.

And yet I melted into his body, my senses overloaded. Soft strands between my fingers and hard muscles against my front. The cautious palms of his hands as they skidded over my back, barely touching me but still setting my skin alight. Lips coming together and falling apart in perfect, instinctive synchronicity. A slow sweep of a tongue. A light squeeze of my waist. A gentle tug on his hair.

Remnants of passion fruit passed between us, without the spicy burn of alcohol, and I wondered if he'd joined me in drinking mocktails all evening, just like he used to choose soft drinks in solidarity with me on our European tour. As much as I wanted to go back to that time in our relationship so we could re-write history and avoid the mistakes we both made, we couldn't. We could only move forwards, and as we kissed in the dark corner of the club, the hungry passion replaced by more tentative affection, I tried to not think too much about what it meant for the future.

All that mattered was the here and now: the world loved and wanted this man, but it was me he was kissing. Me he was hiding away with—devoting his time to. And me who knew the real man behind the public mask.

With a sudden startle, Ed broke away, and my eyes flew open to see him staring at something over my shoulder.

"Sorry," he said, his voice quiet, almost hoarse. "Thought I saw something..."

But the moment was ruined. It wasn't so much the fear that we'd been caught, but rather the reality of our situation. I knew I'd turned that kiss into something it shouldn't have become. I'd crossed another line.

He'd kissed me back, but how much of that was real and how much was him rolling with it to save rejecting me? It was almost easier to think he'd played along purely to get me back to his room.

When he drew me back towards him, I planted my hands on his chest, stepping out of his grasp.

"Sorry." I plastered on a smile to disguise my true feelings. "I got carried away."

"Wanna get out of here, then?"

I did, but not while my mind occupied a totally different place to his. So I made an excuse about not wanting to leave Gabby and Charlotte. Nothing in his reaction suggested frustration at that, but he did tell me not to catch an Uber back alone—he'd hang around until I left and then I could ride back with him and his team.

Hopefully, by that point, I'd have overcome whatever moment of insanity had captured me.

*

I didn't make a new friend in the toilets that night, but nobody could have matched up to my old friend. Gabby listened without judgement as I confessed to the kiss. She'd warned me this would happen, but instead of saying I told you so, she tried to counsel me through it.

"You've not been with anyone since Mike," she said. "Do you think that's been playing on your mind since he started seeing Becca?"

I ran my finger along the edge of the sink. "I'm not still pining after Mike, if that's what you're getting at."

Shaking her head, Gabby bit her lip. "No, not especially. But you thought you were going to marry him, and instead you broke up. And now he's dating someone you used to be close to—someone he would have spent a lot of time with while you were together."

"Nothing happened between Becca and Mike while we were together."

"Yeah, I know... Sorry, it's coming out wrong. I'm just wondering if that kind of fear is playing on your mind. Your last boyfriend broke your heart. Then Teddy hurt you earlier this year. And you've never stopped feeling guilty for hurting him, too. Maybe you're scared this will all end badly, and that's what's holding you back."

I tipped my head back against the mirror, closing my eyes. Of course I was scared. But it wasn't just about fear of history repeating itself. We wouldn't have a normal relationship. And I couldn't go from one painful break-up to another. No matter how many years had passed. We already had a song about us, but this time it would be public, and I'd be a national villain who couldn't hide behind anonymity in lyrics.

"I'm probably over-thinking it. It's been an intense few weeks, what with the suspension and then the work project... I'm sure by next week it will all be back to normal."

Gabby shrugged. "Just don't bottle it up, Soph. I know there are things you can't tell me, but if you suffer in silence, you'll end up feeling even worse."

I reached to squeeze her hand. "Thank you, Gab. I love you."

"Love you, too. Come on. We should find Charlotte before she does something that gets us all kicked out."

*

The ride back to the hotel passed by in silence, Ed only talking to check with Mark that I could go in through the side entrance rather than alone through the front. He agreed on the basis that it was the middle of the night—always a stickler for the rules.

We piled into the lift, and Ed tapped his card against the sensor, glancing across at me.

"Which floor?" he asked, his voice low despite the lift being so small that Mark and Danny would definitely be able to hear.

"Mine." I shot him a pointed look.

He pursed his lips together but tapped for my floor. As the lift began to move, he shuffled nearer, his mouth close to my ear so that he wouldn't be overheard. "You don't want to finish what we started earlier?"

Ahead of me, the floor numbers flashed in ascending order, climbing closer to my storey. I only had to hold him off for a few more seconds. Any more than that and I might have caved.

"Maybe I already finished without you," I said under my breath.

Ed's mouth grazed the shell of my ear. "Well, you are a seasoned professional when it comes to getting off in bathrooms."

"With no self-control, it seems."

His lips curved into a grin. "You don't need control with me. I love being in charge."

Just in the nick of time, the lift pinged, and the doors slid apart. I stepped over the threshold, turning to face Ed before he could follow me out. His final words had licked the dying flames in my stomach, reigniting the heat from earlier.

"See you on Monday," I said, ensuring my statement delivered the finality I intended.

With a barely perceptible nod, he seemed to get the message. "See you on Monday."

But while I had no intention of seeing him in person before then, he filled my fantasies as I slipped under my bedsheets and tended to the fire between my legs until it exploded.

***

Thank you for reading :) xx

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Did Ed see something? Was he imagining it? Will this change anything between them, or is Soph worrying over nothing? Let me know your thoughts!