The doorbell chimed, it's harsh tone jarring on Arthit's sensitive morning ears. He heaved a sigh. If he endures the bell for a little, whoever is bothering his sleep will go away right ? Stamping the pillow over his ears, he waited for the bell to ring again.
Before the bell could torture Arthit, Kongpob's soothing voice caressed his sleepy brain " Don't worry I will get it na. " Kong patted his blanket covered back.

" Do you want me to ask them to visit later ? " Kong asked . Arthit gave up a thumb up from his sleeping position.

As soon as he heard  Knot's voice asking " Where is Arthit " He jumped down the bed.

" He Is Sleeping " Kong was saying.

" Let him in Kongpob "

Kong didn't look much pleased but he didn't comment too. Arthit brought Knot to sit on the bed since Kong had occupied the writing desk and also because it was at the farthest from Kong should Knot bring up the bits of his life he hasn't shared with Kong yet.

" you were still sleeping " Knot chuckled. " Its 12 in the noon."

" Its not like I am allowed to join lectures " Arthit made a face " It's all for my own saftey and all. Proffesors had promised to help me catch up on anything I miss during the period of my forced absence. "

" Its for your own saftey Ai Oon" Knot cajoled " Situation isn't looking any better outside. "

Arthit nodded. " They didn't even allow Kong. I don't understand why. "

" We are not administration. " Knot replied. " Perhaps Kongpob's family felt he would be safer that way ... since he openly supports you and all."

" "Hmm..." Arthit pondered on it. It didnt seem unlikely but he had an intuitive feeling that it was more than that. "

"Before I forget..." Knot pulled out some books from his bag  "Here" Knot handed him the notes. "Aim sent you notes"

"How much?" the word bubbled up his throat but he stamped it down.

Knot nodded at him in understanding. " You gotta update your friend list"

Arthit raised a brow" And since when Aim is in Yours?"

"Not Aim per say...Aim gave it to jiap but he had something to do so..."

"Who's Jiap?" 

"oh.." Knot averted his eyes, blushed a little "Its Tew"

Arhit smirked. " Jiap huh ?"

"..."

"You are in a fucking relationship !" You traitor went unsaid. "Since when?"

Knot cocked a brow " Are we doing this now? " he stared at Kong, sitting at the desk under window, particularly his wrist, golden gear shining bright on his wrist.

It was Arthit's turn to blush. " Its new"

" So new that you gave him your gear " Knot commented. Arthit elbowed him in stomach. " Shut up Jiap. "

" So mature " Knot laughed.

Arthit just turned his head to other side to hide his flaming cheeks. His gaze fell on Kongpob's back, he was writing something with full concentration.

Arthit bit his lip. His heart skipped a beat — in nervous excitement or perhaps foreboding fear0.

It has been whole two days since he gave his gear to Kongpob, still, staring at the golden gear glinting on Kongpob's wrist, filled Arthit's heart with warring emotions— while the thrilling hope for a beautiful future blossomed in his heart, the blooms froze and his heart paralyzed in fear the next moment.

He had done it. Given a piece of his heart, his achievement, to a Suthiluck — a man so out of his league that even his mistake of believing words of Teenathat seems like a mere hiccup. Now the world will see his idiocy being flaunted shamelessly.

Kongpob isn't same ... said his heart.
Teenathat wasn't same too ...his mind whispered.
And yet he is. He didn't give you his gear. His devil mind provided.

Arthit dragged his gaze back from the glinting gear Kong kept flaunting.

His frozen smile didn't escape from Knot.

Arthit absently played with the hem of his shirt, unconsciously pulling at the loose edges.

" Thit " Knot grabbed his wrist, forcing him to meet his gaze. The question was clear in his eyes. " Do you regret it ? "

Arthit didn't know the answer.
May be wasn't a good answer when his boyfriend was within his earshot.

Kong called from across the room, as if he could listen the silent upheaval in his mind.

" Yeah..." Arthit hummed.
" What do you wanna eat ? "

" Anything. "

" Thit " Kong admonished in a stern tone "what did I tell you ? From now onwards, you will not settle for just anything or anyone. That will not do. Tell me what do you want to eat ? "

The monster of doubt died a little. 

Perhaps for once he had taken right decision by giving Kong his heart. No one has ever worried for what he wanted and life had taught him to be content in what he got. As they say count your blessings. 

" chicken basil rice. " Arthit replied in small voice, still waiting for Kong to yell out 'April fool.' 

" See " Kong grinned  " Its easy. Isn't it? "

Arthit gave an awkward small smile in reply.

" Chicken basil rice for Arthit and for you Ai Knot ? "

" Same" Knot replied, his eyes still glued at Arthit.

"I'm famished " Kong picked up his wallet and flashed at him a million watt grin " I  will be right back na... "

Arthit nodded. Dreading the grilling Knot was about to do.

True to his suspicion,Knot fired his question even before the door fully closed behind Kong.

" Do you regret it ? "

" I don't know. "

"Why ? "

" It isn't important. " Arthit shrugged. " You tell me. Does Jiap know? You told him right ? "

" That I am asexual ? " Arthit pursed his lip and Knot continued " Yeah. He knows. And it is very important. Tell me , do you love him ? "

" I gave him my gear. " Arthit replied.

"And  would you have given it to Time Teenathat ? "

Arthit glared at Knot. How dare he ?
" What Kind of question is that ? "

" The Kind you are too afraid to ask yourself. It's eating at you isn't it ? " The sympathy in Knot's eyes stabbed Arthit deep. He was pitiful. Wasn't he ?

" I didn't have gear at that time. "

" But you gave him your mother's ring. Didn't you ? "

" I was idiot alright. "

" You still feel like an idiot. " Knot commented.

Arthit pursed his lips. His nails dug in his palm. " Because I am."

" Why do you say that ? "

" What the fuck are you at ? " Arthit yelled " Isn't it clear ?  I am in this mess because one rich ass fuck who showed me a little care. Am not even out of that mess yet and I gave my gear to another rich ..." Arthit stopped abruptly. Not ready to curse Kongpob.

" another Rich ass fuck ? " Knot completed his unspoken sentence.

Arthit glared at Knot. " Don't. "

Knot opened his arm and Arthit leapt in, feeling safe on his friend's hug " You shouldn't have given him the gear if you weren't ready Ai Oon " Knot patted his head.

" I felt ready. " Arthit replied," It felt right at the moment. "

" Then what shook your confidence ? "

Arthit paused... he has never thought about it " He didn't give his gear to me. " he replied after a bit of soul searching.

" I get you brother " Knot patted his back " Tew didn't give me his gear.. he didn't even confess in words even after six months of me pouring my heart out in a drunken haze.  " Knot informed.

" Why ? " Arthit frowned, his brows knit in confusion.

" He didn't want me to feel obliged or forced. It was his way to give me space. He knew how bad my previous relationship turned out. He was aware of the baggage I carried. While  I wanted him to be comfortable with my asexuality, he wanted the same for me. To be comfortable with my asexuality. To stop feeling damaged or incomplete or lesser man just because every attractive thing doesn't stir my dick. "

Arthit stared at him, wide eyed " How did you cope with it ? "

" Very badly. " Knot replied. " I started pretending to be what I was not. I started jumping at his bones , I tried to do very extreme stuff because I thought it will seal the deal with him. I loved him and I was ready to change myself for his happiness. No matter how unhappy it made me. I was ready to repair my manufacturing default."

" I see it going very badly. "

" You have no idea. " Knot chuckled. " He was giving me space to understand loving someone is individual decision..he wanted me to be comfortable in my skin, my life and my choice. I was ready to invade every single inch keeping us apart. It blew up. We almost broke up. "

" And ? " Arthit asked, eyes alight with interest.

" We took time out. wrote a letter to each other. And finally got to know that we were stupidly in love with each other. Just our love languages were different. "

" You want to say Kong is giving me time to back out without feeling trapped ? "

Knot shrugged " Perhaps. Perhaps not. All I am saying is, you giving Komgpob the gear is your decision. You wouldn't have given it just in heat of a moment. Being with him is your choice. Own it despite the consequences, without expecting reflection  of your affection. That's love isn't it ? To be able to care... to be able to give ? "

" Since when did you turn in to a philosopher? "

Knot rolled his eyes " Since I met with Jiap"

Arthit chuckled. " I am happy for you brother "

Knot smiled " and I for you . "

" Suthiluck does seem a sincere person if a little bit weird. "

Arthit nodded. " I do not know how but his touch doesn't trigger my nightmares instead soothes it. "

" That's good. " 

"Hmm" Arthit hummed. Averted his eyes. Scratched his head.

" Love has its effects. I think I may not be as asexual as I thought . Tew has that effect on me. "

" TMI " Arthit chimed, covering his ear for dramatic effect..

" Well, you were unnecessarily embarrassed so I confessed an intimate thing too. Now we can be embarrassed together. "
Facing the world alone in recent years, Arthit had forgot how Knot was. Instead of picking him up when he fell, he used to fall down too , so Arthit won't feel clumsy or embarrassed and most importantly he wouldn't feel alone. "

" Thit "

" Hmm..."

" Remember you are not alone Oon. Even if thing with Kongpob didn't work out. Even if the world crumble. No matter what happens. You will always have a home and a brother "

Throat clogged up, Arthit nodded. Knot hugged him, tight , until he couldn't breathe. "  if you run alone again, I will kill you. "

That was the exact moment Kong decided to enter. Within a space of few seconds, he deposited the packets of food on a nearby flat surface and dragged Knot away from Arthit by back of his collar.

" Why are you threatening my boyfriend? " He thundered. " How dare you ? "

" Kong. He wasn't threatening. "

" Don't lie Oon. And you ... " he twisted Knot's hand behind his back. " Who sent you ?

" Kong! " Arthit yelled. " He didn't "
" Were you the one who delivered those threats ? "

" Which threats ? " Arthit and Knot both asked in surprise.
Kong shut his lips tight.
Shit. Arthit and Knot didn't know about threats.
..............................................................................................................

Kong was tired and sleep deprived from waking up every hour in fear that the envelopes being slid down their door would be discovered by Arthit. Their time wasn't predictable so he had to be alert 24 by 7. It's been three days of fitful sleep and fear ridden days since the first night he discovered some photographs of young Arthit in a very scandalous clothing with a set up that looked like a bar drowned in red lighting. There wasn't any written threat with it but it was psychological pressure enough. The second envelope was simply a report of Arthit's expulsion from his last school. The third was a newspaper cutout of a female prostitute who was planted as a corporate spy, who succesfully seduced and scammed a few businessman .
The fourth was Arthit in a female costume with kohl lined eyes and bright red lipstick, donned in a hideous red wig with a pleated skirt that barely covered anything and a shirt that wouldn't be missed even if Arthit would have tore it off.
The fifth was a recent, he picked it up while entering the room with  breakfast, a memory card that he hadn't had time to see. And hearing those word from Knot triggered his fear of losing the light in Arthit forever. He can not let that happen.
" Which threats " Knot and Arthit pressed in unison.

Kong bit his lip. He didn't know how to break it to them that , it started just few hours after they moved in safest place at university.

" Kong ..." Arthit opened his palm in a silent request. Hanging his head in defeat, Kong retrieved the memory card from his back pocket and handed him.

Closing his eyes, Arthit took a deep breath. " This isn't new for me. Let's see what they got. "

Knot nodded but Kong was reluctant.

Attaching it to a card reader, Arthit powered on his laptop.
.....

Impatient moans and groans filled the pin drop silence of the room as the screen lit with Arthit writhing on the floor, tearing at his clothes complaining about the heat all the while. After a lot of mindless tugs and impatient growling his shirt came off, his boxer clad hips thrusted unfruitfully in the air, his frustrations slipping out of his mouth.

Arthit's tear soaked face repeatedly begging " Please " was the last thing Kong saw before Knot closed the laptop.

" Thit ..." Knot turned to wrap Arthit in his arms because Kong was stone still.

Knot didn't say much " You are not alone this time around " he whispered while wrapping Arthit in his arms. " I am here. "

That seemed to break the trance Kong was in. He rushed to Arthit's side.  " I am here too. " he hugged Arthit from the back. " We are in this together. "

Eyes closed, safe in the combined arms of his friend and lover, Arthit was still restless. A small memory surfaced from the deep recess of his mind.
Arthit had just returned from his school with bruises on his body and a question for his mom.
" Who is my dad ? " the six year old asked " I want to see my dad."
" I am " his mom had replied.
" No.." Arthit had yelled. " You are mother, where is my dad ? Everyone had dad. Where is my dad? "

His mother remained silent, her eyes pricked with tears.

" Am I not evil mom ? Is that why my dad left me? "

He didn't remember what his mother replied. But his aunt(mother's friend) had embraced him just like Ai Knot and whispered in his ear. " You are not evil. You are special."

And his mother had hugged him from back. " Do you know what a dad is Oon ? "

" Dad is a man who love oon and bring him toys. " Arthit had replied.

" Do I not love you ? " his mother asked.
Arthit nodded  " Very much. "

" Do I not bring you toys ? "

" The best kind. "

His mother had beamed proudly " Only the best for a Rojanapat. " Arthit nodded vigorously. It made him feel special. Only the best for a Rojanapat.

"And that is why I chose only the best name for my baby. Arthit , means the sun. "

" The star in the sky?. " Arthit asked.

His mother and aunt nodded. " When the baby sun comes in to the sky, it is very beautiful and the sky and wind protect it until it grows , bigger, burns hotter then no one can challenge it, touch it."

" The one who touches burns." His aunt told him.

Arthit made a face " I will become evil and burn people ? "

" No. " His mother replied. " When You get old, grow bigger, I won't have to protect you. You will be the light in the people's life"

" That's a big responsibility.  Like a Superhero." His aunt pinched his cheek.

" Superhero ? " Arthit's eyes became big.

" Yeah. " Both his mother and aunt nodded. " You will be our superhero." His aunt replied.

" Light up the world or light the world." His mother said , somber.
Light up the world or light the world — his destiny was to burn. Burn until he will be blinding. Burn until he will be able to be light in the darkness.
........

Three of them along with Aim and Tew on video chat, spent an hour rounding out the people who could deliver those messages. Neither security cameras nor did the entry register revealed any unauthorized person entering the building.
" It must be cleaning crew and staff for upkeep of the building " Knot commented and everyone agreed.

" We can put in a complaint to get the staff changed." Aim suggested.
" Won't change a thing . " Tew replied, somber " Everybody could use a bit of cash or be threatened. "

" He wants to gaslight Arthit in to giving up before it becomes a real fight. " Knot commented .

Kong who was silently weighing the situation, spoke up " Discrediting Arthit in the eyes of his peers and classmates and perhaps this whole city , even the country is their back up plan . "

" Should we complain in police. "

" What if they put those things on internet ? " Aim asked. " Police can't keep them down from everywhere. Internet is a curse in a time like this. "

" If Teenathats thinks the threat of this stuff being viral will keep me down. They are more stupid than I thought. " Arthit spat out. " On the other hand , let them continue with their threats. They are only revealing their hands. "

"Let's play according to them. " Kong replied.

" How...? "

Arthit smirked " I have an idea. "
...........

As Knot left, Kong grabbed Arthit's hand.
" Thit are you sure ? "

" Yeah. " Arthit nodded.

" But if it goes wrong, your life will be ruined"

Arthit smiled " If it goes right, many lives will be saved. You know why my mother named me Arthit ? "

Arthit replied without waiting for Kong to speak. " Because she wanted me to burn. You know what I realized? She indeed was protecting me , but it was not so that I could forever be protected. It was because she wanted me to burn at the right moment. Light up the world or light the world , for both — I will have to burn. "

"I have just got you."  Kong wrapped his arms. " I can't lose you Thit. It's dangerous."

" Kong ...no. let's not do this." Arthit tried to push him back by planting both his palms on his chest.

" I am not stopping you from doing anything. Just let me be by your side. In your plans. In your life. "

" Promise ? "

Arthit nodded. " Promise."

" You will not leave me right ? "

" I will not. " Arthit replied. Kong joined their pinkies " I am holding you to that."

..........

" Kong. " Arthit asked for his attention after a detailed battle with himself " where are the other threats ? This wasn't first or second right ? "

There was no use lying. Kong nodded "four more. "

" Where are they ? "

Kong took out the envelopes and handed them to Arthit.

Arthit took out the photos and newspaper cutting.

He cackled seeing his picture in the seedy bar , in female apparel.
" They are quite thorough aren't they ? "

Kong remained silent.

"Aren't you disgusted of me Kongpob ? "

" Aren't you disgusted of me ? " Kong asked. " Disgusted of my touch ? Weren't there people like me, the people with enough money that they think they can violate other people's basic rights. "

Arthit was speechless.

"I am disgusted Of us as a society that we let you down. "

Arthit poked his toe in the carpet. " I don't know what to say. What are you made up of Kongpob ? "

" Sugar, spice and everything nice. " Kong replied winking.

Arthit chuckled.

" It worked ? " Kong asked amazed. " I saw someone saying it."

Arthit smiled. " Thank you. "

" Why ? "

Arthit just shrugged in answer.

" You know" Arthit said, eyes still planted at carpet. " I liked it. "

" What ? "

" The female apparel. Smooth fabrics. I liked wearing it. " His earns burnt red. " I didn't think it would be a burden at first. I wasn't shy of my body, wasn't averted to female clothes. The money was good too. It wasn't a big deal at first. Until the ..."

" violation started..." Kong completed his sentence.

Arthit nodded, still uncharacteristically silent.

" First of all , hiring a teen in that establishment was wrong on so many levels. Second, there was no one to guide you . Third , no one had right to touch you if you didn't want it. " Kong replied. He was silent for a long time.

All the while , Arthit was dreading the buts. Kongpob's silence had him on pins and needles. His mind kept going to Teenathat's reaction when he realized Arthit's mother was a prostitute but he dragged it to present.

Kongpob wasn't Teenathat. Not by a long shot.

" Oon..." Kong asked after a long silence.

" Huh ? "

" Come here. " Kong dragged him by hand.

..............
Never in a million years, Arthit could think that Kong would want to make a bucket list or that he would be forgetting everything and making a bucket list with Kong.

" Write Five things you want for yourself and five things you want for us to do together. I will do the same. " Kong had said.

Kongpob's bucket list was ready within fifteen minutes.

Arthit's took a bit of time.

" Let's read each other's list " Kong handed him his list and opened his palm, patiently waiting for Arthit's list .

After much reluctance, Arthit placed it in Kongpob's hand.

1. I want to be gold medalist of engineering department.
Kong read Arthit's wish..

1. I want to be second ranker only if Arthit's first. Kong had written . He narrowed his eyes at Kong ..

" What ? " Kong shrugged " I knew you would want to be first." 
Arthit chuckled " You know me very well, Suthiluck.

"I must, I am your partner. " Kong replied proudly " Its my job. "

Arthit chose to ignore fluttering of his heart.

2. I want to visit the pink milk place you brought me pink milk from. Kong read.
" Nah. You won't be going there Rojanapat."

"Why ? "

" Don't worry , I am learning to make it. I will make it just like that or even better. And Idli too." Kong added.

And Arthit laughed loud. " You still stuck at that ? "

Kong just made a face " You won't know the feeling. Your boyfriend didn't want to kiss another man's hand "

Arthit chuckled. " Your boyfriend will kiss more than your hand if you get his pink milk right. "

Kong's eyes lit up " Can I get a preview? "

Arthit rolled his eyes. " I want to make world's best food and nomyen. Seriously? "

" Mom says the way to a man's heart goes through his tummy. She learnt cooking for my dad after marriage. I want to do same for my man."

Arthit just looked down at his feet, a bit awkward and a lot sad. The idea of him having a life — still felt like a dream.

Both of them have written small milestones they wanted to achieve in their lives and with each other.

" I want to built a safe home for us. Safe enough that you will feel no fear in liking the silk or satin , the cotton or velvet, male or female apparel. Safe that you  will be you. " Kong replied " I promise you that.

Kongpob's wishes were more for him than for himself.

" What's this ? " Arthit asked  " I want studio for you. Exhibition of your art. Our marriage. This for you. That for you. What's for yourself Kongpob ? "

Kong smiled. " I want to give world to you, because I want you in my world. That's enough for me. " he replied. " I want to manage you as artist... that is if you will have me as manager. "

Arthit folded his hand infront of his chest
" I will have to think "

" Sure. Take your time. " Kong replied.

Arthit laughed out loud.

" What will I do with you Kongpob ? "

" Hopefully, good things. " Kong replied.