Present; Leilah

The grandfather clock in the living room chimes three. 

Leilah lays in bed. Her gaze is fixed on the ceiling but she's worlds away. The open diary lays by her side but she cannot bring herself to pick it up and continue reading. 

Her heart is heavy and she can feel the discomfort of its pounding against her ribs. I have made a grave mistake – this is not the first time this thought has crossed her mind. It did when the splotched of her betraying tear fell onto the pages of the diary, and when she missed several calls from her friends because she was too busy reading — 

I should not have touched this.

She helplessly rubs at her face, turning around in bed and pushing the diary away.

From where she lays, Leilah can see through the window of her room. It is still dark outside, and the sight of the full moon pulls at her heartstrings till she finds herself getting up from her bed and walking over to the window. A gentle gust of wind brushes against her face when she opens the window, looking up at the sky. 

"Do you see those stars?"

She can almost hear Walid's voice, a chill running down her spine. Leilah gazes at the twilight sky; and yet, she can not spot more than a single star. "No," she whispers, her voice barely above a whisper. She can only see the city lights and hear the whirring of machines and motors. 

Her grandmother had said once that her generation had never heard silence. Khamoshi. Leilah thinks of it now; of silence and stars, and of deep conversations. 

Her mobile notification rings and she is pulled back from a world decades ago to the boring, old, twenty-first century. A sigh escaped her lips as she walked back to her bed, turning on her phone. 

A message from her friend pops on the screen. 

Awake? 

Nope. 

Haha , very funny

Updates? 

On…? 

… 

Your university? 

Leilah stares at the message, the realization hitting her that she has not checked her email in an entire day. And to think I was checking it every five minutes before! She is quick to close the chat and open up her gmail, but the usual anxiety that used to grip her heart has now vanished. An empty inbox stares back at her. Of course. She fights a sigh, opening her whatsapp again. 

Nah. 

You’ll def get in, don’t worry.

Leilah appreciates the gesture but she has now become numb to it; to the anxiety, the wait, the grief and the fears that knock over her heart every single day. Sometimes, she is even tempted to convince herself that she doesn’t care — but how can she when this is the only thing she has ever truly cared about? She has only had one dream for as long as she can remember; to get admission into a good university abroad and leave this country. This is why she worked so hard in her A-levels, and this is the only thought that kept her going — 

And yet, why does her heart now feel restless?

“You ask me my reason… it’s bigger than all of this- bigger than you and me, Mahrosh.” 

Leilah tosses in her bed, trying to silence the voice that echoes in her mind; almost as if she was there too. And what is your reason, Leilah? The silence in her room mocks at her. To leave this country? 

Her eyes squeeze shut. From outside, she hears the distant call of the adhan, and it becomes impossible for her to shut the voice in her head. 

“The One who created these galaxies created you and me, Mahrosh. Did He create us without purpose? Without a reason?" 

Her pillow wettens as she buries her head into it. There is a thrasing inside of her; as if her body has caged a soul that wishes to escape. The adhan fades. Leilah hugs the pillow, her nails digging into her skin as the tears roll down her face. 

She doesn’t know what that purpose is, only that if there is one, she is as far from it as she can possibly be. 

This is the last thought that crosses her mind as she dozes off. 

A bird trapped in a cage. It helplessly thrashes against the bars — anxious, and scared. Leilah feels its anxiety and restlessness. “Free it!” she yells but she hears nothing. “Please-” as if her cries have been heard, the cage pulls open. Leilah’s glee transforms as she watches the bird — the door is open, and yet, the bird does not leave the cage. It’s thrashing has died. “You can leave. You’re free,” Leilah wishes to convey to the bird, but again, no one hears her. She feels angry at the bird, “The door is open! Why won’t you just leave you stupid bird?” 

The bird cannot hear her; till from a distance, a call is heard. Leilah recognises it. The adhan. The bird cranes its neck, listening to the adhan that calls from a distant. It looks left and right, and then — with sudden strength, it spreads its wings and soars out of the cage and into the skies. 

Leilah watches it leave, her heartbeat fastening —

Her eyes blink open. A dream. 

Khamoshi – silence

assalamualaikum ya akhawat!

a short chapter, yes, I'm aware but I did not wish to make you wait longer than a week before I updated ;)

any thoughts on leilah and her dream? i love how in one time phase there is a lot happening externally while in another, there is a lot happening internally.

since it has become a habit of mine to rant here in the author's note and you guys said you enjoy my rants (i hope you weren't just being nice because I took it to heart xD) I wanted to share a story with you that I recently heard in a tarbiyah session and it gave me goosebumps-

in syria, there is a masjid close to a railway track. one night after isha prayer,  the people heard loud cries from outside. upon rushing outside, they saw that a passing train had cut a young man of 19 into two pieces. while the train had taken his left side, the other half of his body remained standing. he was shaking, his heart was beating and he was still breathing as could be seen from his lungs. he was still alive. a man close to him rushed forward, held his head and said, "Say Lailalaha IllaAllah, say Lailalaha IllaAllah." the half body of the man uttered, "Ashadu Allah ilaha IllAllah wa ashadu anna Muhammadan abduhu was Rasuluhu," before his soul departed and he died saying these words.

when the men found the other part of his body, they saw that he had been wearing a cross. subhanAllah! this man was a christian. his father, upon arriving at the scene, told the men that while his son had not accepted Islam, he had lately been studying the religion and showing great interest in it. when his father would walk into the room, he would find his son sitting with his headphones on and listening to the Quran.

and so, even when his body was cut in half, Allah did not let death come upon him till he had said the shahada.

subhanAllah. how beautiful is Our Rabb.

the entire class was in tears after this story and I get goosebumps everytime I recall it.

may Allah grant us all a beautiful death. ameen.

(I wasn't kidding when I said my author's notes will turn out longer than the chapter one of these days lol)