The color white was often associated with emptiness, sterile or unimaginative, yet to Emerson, the color reminded him of a time when he was still pure; when the skin on his arms wasn't lined with lines that reflected on his weak will.

He stood in the white fog waiting for the next movie- well memory- to play. The drummer had no idea how long he had been in the white cloud, but he didn't want to leave. After all, why would he? Here he didn't have any scars, he didn't hurt and most importantly he was able to live through his favorite memories of him and his brothers.

The memories that played were pleasant and soothed him through the emotional torment that silently played in the back of his mind. The memory that was currently playing was a happy one from when he was four or five. Both he and Remington had tormented Sebastian and thus the latter had begun chasing them around their back garden.

The older man watched as the younger version of himself ran around the yard laughing and giggling as his older brother closed in on him. Eventually, the oldest brother caught the youngest, pulled him up into the air and spun around. Their laughter merged together as they fell to the ground at the hands of the, then six year old, Remington tackled them.

The intentions of the tackle were successful and Emerson was freed from the grasps of Sebastian and the two were now chasing the other. Despite Sebastian being the oldest of the three, he still ran away from his youngest siblings. The two paired together could be quite a dangerous mix.

The three brothers ran towards the older version, however, instead of falling back when they made contact, they all went straight through the man. Emerson turned to continue watching the children, however, when he turned around the memory had changed.

Now, a new memory played in front of him. Remington, Sebastian, and Emerson all sat in the living room. They were only young, Emerson could see that. Sebastian had to have been only 11 or 12, which left Emerson at seven or eight.

All three of the boys sat on the couch with their heads hanging down in a mixture of guilt and shame as their mother paced in front of them reprimanding them. They had been play fighting in the house and had ended up breaking the coffee table, lamp, and a vase.

Looking back now, Emerson could still feel the guilt and shame he had felt in that moment. He could even feel the relief as Sebastian took the blame for breaking the vase and the lamp which had been broken because of Emerson. Emerson had dived for Sebastian over the coffee table, knocking the vase over. The vase had shattered into many tiny shards of glass and the flowers and water remained on the floor as Emerson continued attacking Sebastian.

The lamp had broken when Sebastian backed away from the approaching seven year old, he had bumped into the table and almost knocked the lamp over. He had turned to set it straight when Emerson pushed him. The lamp flew out of Sebastian's hands and onto the floor just as their mother entered the room. As expected the lamp broke and their mother put an immediate stop the playing.

They weren't even allowed to play fight in the house, and it was because of this very reason. They ended up breaking too many things. Once they had accidentally broken the TV in Emerson and Remington's room. Their mother had been furious that time as the TV had been a gift to them from a friend of hers for Christmas.

As Sebastian stood taking the lecture for the play fighting indoors, Emerson tried to intervene however, Remington stopped him. They always tried to keep him out of trouble, they claimed it was because he was the baby. He didn't know if it was true or not, but Emerson rarely ever got into trouble when he was a child because his brothers always took the blame for half the shit he did.

Suddenly Sebastian and Remington's heads turned to face the older version of Emerson who was standing in the doorway watching the memory. "Wake up Emerson." The corners of the room began to fade into white as the reality seeped into his mind. During the entirety of his stay in the white, he had not felt anything from reality, but he knew that these voices weren't out of his own imagination, they were his brothers' voices reaching out to him from outside of his mind. Reality was pulling him back.

He was no longer an observer of his past, he had to live in the present and hope for a future.

Voices bounced around his head as he lay in the darkness, and he easily recognized his brothers' and Codie's voices. He tried to open his eyes but each lid felt as though they had been superglued shut and the weighted down by a car. Yet, he must have done something as he heard his brothers' scurry to his side exclaiming about him waking up.

After trying to open his eyes for a while, he finally gave up, opting to at least gain control of another body part. His mind focused onto his fingers, he had no idea if they were moving or not but he kept on trying, he wouldn't know but his brothers would.

"Sebastian, look!" Emerson had no idea if that meant he was actually moving his hand, but he did know that he had to keep trying. He felt someone's hand in his, it seemed weird but he automatically knew it was Remington, it was just a gut feeling.

Once again he returned to attempting to open his eyes, this time however after a few attempts he was greeted by the blinding white of the light. This white was different from the one he had been surrounded by recently, it was harsh and brought him back to reality straight away.

And the reality was that he had almost died.

He had almost committed suicide.

This reality hurt the most. What would people think of him? What would his mother think? The emotions flooded back to him in tidal waves and he squeezed his eye shut to keep them out. When there were emotions involved, there was always the demons that followed.

The demons haunted him just as much as Maisie had. They followed him day and night preying on him during his weakest moments. They had been here longer than Maisie. In fact, they could possibly have been the reason he fell under Maisie's trap. They're the reason he had reached rock bottom.

He opened his eyes once more and blinked repeatedly until his eyes adjusted the light in the room. The first face that he saw was the face of his oldest brother. Guilt swelled below the surface of his skin as he recalled the last words that he spoke to his brother.

The five words reverberated around his mind as he flinched away from Sebastian's line of sight, glancing to the other side of the room where Remington stood at his side holding his hand. When he noticed his glance on him, his brother gave his hand a small squeeze and offered a tight lipped smile.

"What happened?" The smile fell from his brother's lips as he recalled the reason whilst they were there, to begin with. Emerson genuinely couldn't remember what happened, all that his brain could provide was flashes of the night. The words that he had spoken to his brother were the only solid memory that he could recollect with no trouble.

Memories of waking Sebastian, and walking into the bathroom played behind his eyes, but that was it. Nothing more. Everything was blank after that and all he could do was think back to before the white, and the only thing that came to him were the words.

The words bounced around his mind again, his brain burned under the memories. Five simple words that cursed Emerson with the inability to look at his oldest brother.  Emerson knew that the words were also playing at the back of Sebastian's mind. He knew, he didn't know why or how he knew, but he did.

Remington sighed and looked down at their hands which were clasped together. "Rem, what happened" his voice was hoarse and it hurt to speak but he needed to. He needed to find out what happened. Instead of replying, Remington unclasped their hands and turned around to grab a cup of water which had been on the table behind him.

All whilst passing the water to his brother, Sebastian noticed that Remington never caught the youngest's gaze. He could tell that he was happy his brother was still alive, and now awake, but Sebastian could see that this stung. His brother had almost left him, and his words could have been a player in the game that pushed him over the edge.

Sebastian knew that Remington believed this was all intentional and that Emerson wanted to die, but he knew otherwise. Emerson had told him so when he woke him. Although he possessed this knowledge, he never released the truth to his brother. It would break Remington mentally to know that Emerson was scared. To know that if Emerson had died, he would have died scared. The truth would shatter Remington.

The singer clearly couldn't bring himself to speak to his younger brother, so he looked to his oldest brother to break the silence. An action in which Sebastian obliged to. Despite Emerson not being able to look at him, he spoke anyway.

"You cut a vein and lost a lot of blood, so much blood that the doctors said it's lucky that your organs hadn't begun to shut down. They put you in a medically induced coma so that they didn't shut down due to stress. You've been on a ventilator for the past week. They tried to take you out of the coma but you didn't wake up. They didn't know if you would"

He watched as Emerson stared ahead of him as he listened intently to the new information he was being given. The guitarist knew that he needed some time to speak to Remington. Even though he himself needed to speak to his brother, he felt that maybe, just maybe he needed to speak to Remington more.

The two had always been close, that was undeniable, so Sebastian could see why it was necessary for them to hash it out before Sebastian and Emerson. Plus, Sebastian knew that he had more questions than Remington and needed more time. With one last glance to his brother, Sebastian walked out the door.

Emerson watched Sebastian go, guilt embedded in his mind. He knew his brother needed answers but he was prioritizing his brother over himself, once again. When he looked back to Remington, he noticed that the other wasn't keeping eye contact. If it wasn't for the hand that Remington had once again grabbed he would have believed that the other was unhappy to see him.

"Remington?" he tried to get the other to acknowledge his presence in more ways than hand holding, but the other man refused to even recognize him as present in the room. "Remington please?" the other man froze and Emerson realized he was getting somewhere, however, before Emerson could speak again, Remington viciously pulled his hand out of his own and stormed across the room, heading for the door.

However, before he left he turned around to confront his brother, "No, you don't get to ask me to do anything! Not even recognize your existence" the pain was evident in Remington's eyes and voice, as his voice cracked on the last word and his eyes watered.

"You tried to leave me! I am your brother" Emerson's heart sank to his stomach, his brother thought he tried to commit suicide. He believed that Remington was that broken, that he would try to leave the world before his time.

Emerson sighed and looked down "I didn't do it on purpose, I might have said that I don't care if I cut too deep, but when it actually happened I was so terrified" the tears were stinging the corners of his eyes as he struggled to get the words out. Simple words formed such a heartbreaking sentence.

Tears spilled from the corner of Remington's eyes as reality hit them both, it wasn't so much the reality of the present that stung. It was the reality of the past."I don't care Em" The singer's words cut through the air like a knife, injuring them both in the process.

The drummer's hands suddenly became the most interesting thing in the world. "I fell into the void" the words were barely audible as they fell from his lips. Yet, in the silent room, a pin drop could be heard and thus the words were easily heard by the other man in the room. Although, Remington had the ability to listen for Emerson's words even in the noisiest rooms so it wouldn't have mattered how loud the room was nor would the volume of Emerson's words have mattered.

The look of confusion was evident on his brother's face and all tears ceased as he took in the new information that was handed to him. Although anyone could tell that he didn't understand the words despite him standing for nearly two minutes not saying a word,  "What do you mean"

"I heard Seb, his words stung. I fell asleep and woke up numb, It's not as fun as you would think. I was scared, but the feeling wasn't there." You could literally see Remington's heart break through his eyes. All of the guilt crushing him in one fell swoop. This is what Emerson wanted to avoid, he didn't want to burden his brothers with his problems and weakness.

The world was grey to Emerson, there was no happiness for him. No hope either. He had gotten used to this, after all, he had been like this for the last-- well he couldn't remember. He was so used to not being able to feel anything, that when the time came that he did feel something, it was a foreign feeling that sent him into a spiral of despair.

He didn't want to feel anything, not happiness, not sadness; most importantly he never wanted to feel love. Love left him vulnerable to heartbreak. Yet, it wasn't the vulnerability that was the main reason he didn't want to love, it was the fact that it would fix him.    

It sounded ridiculous, that he didn't want to be fixed. Emerson knew this. However, being fixed meant admitting that something was broken, and no-one, no matter their strength, was ever ready to admit that they're broken.

People would notice his change, they would notice his new found happiness and they would know that he had been broken. They would know he had been weak. Letting his brothers in had been the catalyst to the change. Fans would begin to notice and this thought terrified him because he knew that Maisie would find out that he was still broken. She had been a fan once and still had friends who were fans. If she knew he was still broken, or at least beginning to fix himself, she would appear and send him back down into the well of despair.

"You heard what Seb said?" Emerson flinched when he heard Remington's tone, it was completely broken and defeated, there was no sign of his brother. Just a broken man. This was the effect that Emerson had on people, he didn't make people better, just broken them. Even Codie had given up on letting him help, she pretended to eat the food he gave her and then just spent the next hour in the bathroom with the shower running whilst she emptied the contents of her stomach.

Emerson looked down in shame, almost as if making eye contact with Remington when he confirmed the truth that both of them already knew, would worsen the situation. The truth was nothing could possibly make this situation any worse than it already was.

Emerson spoke (thought?) too soon, Sebastian walked through the door, the doctor in tow. They were talking to each other so neither one of them were expecting the situation that they were greeted with.  Sebastian looked at them first, straight away he knew something was wrong. Anger was radiating from Remington in waves and Emerson was looking down at his bandaged wrists in shame, "Is everything okay?" Emerson winced. That was the worst question that Sebastian could have chosen. Emerson sat there, waiting for the inevitable explosion.

Whoever was writing Emerson's life sure did hate him. After all what cruel person would inflict such a horrible fate upon a man? Emerson lost himself inside the idea that someone else was writing his life, which would mean that Maisie's actions were a plot point. Was he at the beginning of the book? The end? Would the book end in his death?

He was brought out of his mind, when the seconds on the time bomb ran down to zero and the bomb went off, "No! This is your fault, you almost killed our brother" Sebastian sighed, completely ignoring Remington. He knew his brother was shaken up about the whole ordeal, they both were, including Codie. There was nothing he could do at the moment but let Remington say what he had to say.

Remington stood there and assessed the situation. Sebastian stood next to the poor doctor who looked as if he wanted to be anywhere but this room surrounded by the drama that was now unfolding. A subconscious switch flipped off, he lost his ability to stand the sight of his older brother nor could he stand the thought of being in the same room as his brother.

He pointed an accusing finger at Sebastian who stood there dumbfounded, "I told you that if you pushed him he would shatter, and look. Even without you directly pushing him, he shattered. Our brother almost died because of you! If he had died, that would have been on you. I hope you understand that"

Remington had blamed his brother for not knowing, yet at the same time, he had pushed him away from Emerson when he had tried to find out. No-one told Sebastian about Emerson's cutting, if they had both known, things like this could have easily been avoided.

Remington could have stopped this, all he had to do was let Sebastian pass when he had tried to get to Remington. He knew he was, in the end, the only one to blame. He had been the catalyst to breaking Emerson. Earlier that night, he had done the same thing that Sebastian intended to, so why didn't he let Sebastian do the same. Was it to protect Emerson, or was it once again his selfish desires?

Blaming himself felt right, but at the same time, he wasn't letting Sebastian be the only innocent party in all of this. The singers subconscious scolded him, all he was doing was finding people to pin someone else's actions on. Somewhere deep inside of Remington, he knew that they would eventually end up in a hospital room, and he knew it would be no-one's fault.

Blaming others seemed like easier than no-one being the cause, if someone was the cause of it, then it was something that could have been stopped. Yet, if no-one was to blame, then nothing could have been done to stop it, which meant that Remington failed as a brother. Although he was willing to blame everyone but no-one, he was never going to blame Emerson.

It seemed reasonable to blame Sebastian, just like they had when they were children when they would both take the fall so that Emerson never got into trouble. However, the only person he should be blaming for Emerson's current state would be Maisie. She broke him far beyond repair.

She went out with so many guys behind his back, fooled him into thinking she wanted to spend the rest of her eternity with him, but in the end, all she wanted was a perfect temporary. This was her fault, her love for him broke him. It was undeniable that she loved him, it had been love at first sight for each of them, but hers was only temporary whereas Emerson's was endless.

She should have ended it when she stopped loving him, when the first of many men came into the picture. She damaged him, and she was to blame. Yet here he was blaming Sebastian, who knew nothing of Emerson's habits until he held his brother's drained body in his arms as he bled out.

***
Well it's been a while... yikes.
Sorry it took so long, I don't have a specific reason that excuses for the month and half. My broken laptop only excuses this half a month. Anyway, it doesn't matter cause here is a chapter.

Also, shoutout to anyone that sees what I did and comments on the part that I 'cheated' on? It can only be done by someone who's read the bonus chapter, so that's your hint.

Also, thanks a big bunch to Andy_is_yeesus for actually writing some of this. Guaranteed I did some tweaking as I gave them ZERO context for this chapter and just told them to do it. And they did, so THANK YOU ❤️❤️❤️