back then, i told myself that i would only be focusing on my debut. debut, debut, debut, i replay that in my head at all times.

but it's different after kim yeonjoo came into the picture. now i seem to have a different purpose, a different reason to wake up everyday. i know she agrees with me too. we had developed a soft side for each other, a condition that might be the ending point of our relationship.

or whatever we call this, really. it's confusing.

i quietly walked through the sidewalk with her, adjusting the space so i wouldn't bump my arm or i wouldn't have my unconscious hand to suddenly intertwine with hers. we were just there, fully still and waiting for the other to speak.

the weather was different now. the rainy spring invited back the hot weather of summer, the radiating light of ultraviolet greeting the surface of our skin. now is not the time for jacket sharing or walking through the rain together using one umbrella.

"how's a class?" she asked first, her eyes fully on the road.

why did she need to ask me this? well, i've never told her anything about it, so it makes sense. "it's pretty much the same, just out of doyeon's grasp, i guess."

"must be nice, ain't it?"

"i want you," i stopped. "to be there too."

she faintly laughed. "sadly, that's not for you to decide."

"yeah, but my choice is."

"what do you mean?"

"kim yeonjoo," i turned around and faced her. "i.. i want to say sorry."

"sorry?" she scrunched her nose. "jihoon i told you, i'm not asking for apologies-"

"i'm sorry that i ever had to barge into your life," i continued, my hands held unto her arms. "i'm sorry that you had to meet me, dealing with me everyday. i'm sorry if i ever made you feel like this."

"i don't understand why are you apologizing for this." she looked at me strangely. "you're actually one of the best things that ever happen in my life-"

"yeah?"

she nodded.

"well, what happens if i have to break your heart in the end?" i asked. "because it's going to happen yeonjoo, and it's going to happen soon."

"you'll never hurt me." she shook her head. "you might've called me names but that's not going to change anything, that's what our relationship is all about, right?"

my laugh was emotionless, full of irony. "that's not what i mean."

"then what do you mean?" she arched an eyebrow. "you're not making any sense."

"this doesn't make sense." i stuttered. "you don't make sense, your codes don't make sense. never in my life have i ever felt so confused-"

"you're confused about me?" she raised her voice, "ask me a question then, then i'll make it easier for you-"

"kim yeonjoo, do you love me?" that came out of my mouth without my consent, and now i fully regret what i have done.

her eyes widened and she froze. even in this condition, she still never looked so beautiful in my eyes. her mouth flaunted open to speak. "yes, yes i do."

i was about to say something when she suddenly pulled me to give me a hug, putting her head on my shoulder. i  stroke her hair and put my other hand on top of her waist where she feels comfortable, and closed my eyes. "that's bad news, then."

"i'm sorry?"

"that means the pain's for the both of us." i let go of the hug and stared at her bluntly.

her mouth shivered. "..a-are you saying that-"

"i don't love you? ah no, i've always been since the first time i saw you at school." i said shortly and i could see a tint of relief in her eyes. "but whatever's going to happen, i know we can't continue what we have."

she laughed. "just because some kind of a stupid protocol?"

"a protocol that could depend on your career, yes." i bit my lip. "you know i don't want that."

"we could always ignore it, you know-"

"and let us be like this with grudges in our hearts?" i shook my head. "with the restless feeling of being caught? putting the risk?"

"at least we'll have together."

"you don't understand. you're not thinking realistically, kim yeonjoo." i ruffled my hair. "ah, i don't want anything — anything, happen to you because of me. you have all the rights to debut swiftly without any obstacles. i want you too."

"then what are you saying?" she asked painfully. "you want us to.. end whatever we're having now?"

"if you want, then yes." i remarked. "but that's not going to change my decision."

"what decision?"

"oh kim yeonjoo," i whispered under my breath. "i fell for you so deep, i wouldn't know how much it'll hurts for me not to be able to be with you."

"don't you dare say-"

i nodded. "it's my choice."

"i am not letting you do that!" she shook her head aggressively. "i'm not letting you! there must be another way!"

"it's for my own sake and for yours, yeonjoo. i wouldn't be able to control myself if i stayed." we reached the subway station and i stopped our conversation to buy the ticket.

yes, the ticket.

she gave me a concerned look. "park jihoon, you're making a mistake."

"i could do well elsewhere." i smiled at her as i held her hand and head for her ride. "fantagio is the place for you."

"it's the place for the both of us."

"nah, i wouldn't fit the concept anyways." i slipped the ticket into her hand. "i've been receiving love calls everywhere, i could take care of myself."

"don't be so full of yourself."

"like i tell you, it's the park jihoon effect." i winked. "if anything happens, you'll be the first person i'd call."

the look on her face was serious and solemn, putting no humor on her voice. she stepped backwards into the subway, looking at me before her departure. "i'm never going to talk to you ever again if you're really doing this."

the smile fainted from my lips. "good," i sighed. "then it'll be easier for me to get you off my head."

the door closed, and i knew she was confused as to why i didn't come in with her. it was because i never planned on coming for practice today anyway. i have purely made up my decision, and choi yoojung was fully aware of this.

she didn't get to see me waving her goodbye.

i smiled. "i hope you won't forget me when you debut, kim yeonjoo."

-

"i left the company a few days after," jihoon continues, his hands tugging to his 'no. 1' tag. "good thing it's fantagio, they're never complicated when it comes to contracts. it took me a month to terminate my sm one."

the boys listened to his story eagerly, and are disappointed on how the ending went. jihoon could see the dissatisfaction on their faces, but what can he say? that was how it went, and he couldn't sugarcoat his past.

"that's a lot of drama happening for a 18 year old." jisung comments.

"yeah, and i've taken too much time for a single round of truth or dare." jihoon immediately tries to change the subject. "can we please continue?"

"you know, yeonjoo actually rings a bell now." ong says.

taehyun wheezes. "are you actually speaking the truth or are you just bullshitting your way towards the story?"

"i think that's the best way to say it."

"i wonder how she is now," daehwi says, his hand lightly tapping on his cheek.

"i wouldn't know. she never contacted me back since then," jihoon replies. he expects that he could finally be out of the spotlight, but then suddenly everyone started giving their own opinions of his story.

"i'm still blaming it on you."

"your reasons are irrelevant in my eyes, to be honest."

"can i have her number?"

"i would've continued it if she asked, man."

"park jihoon, you know nothing about relationships; do you?"

"this is romeo and juliet but with romeo being the selfish ass."

"guys, please settle down." jonghyun raises the pencil. "let's just continue the game, shall we?"

the boys are about to argue, but judging on how composed jonghyun is, they know he knows what he's doing, so they followed. jonghyun holds the pencil as if he's going to turn it, but he ends up turning it 360 degrees back to jihoon. "truth or dare?"

jihoon backfires. "what is this, this isn't fair!"

"listen to your leader, park jihoon." kenta says from behind. "you never know what he could do to you."

"truth or dare?" jonghyun repeats, now his voice a little bit tenser.

jihoon sighs, he wasn't ready to do anything stupid commanded by the other boys. "truth."

"do you still love kim yeonjoo?" jonghyun asks, and all the boys immediately anticipate for his answer.

"this is ridiculous-"

"answer it, jihoonie." jonghyun definitely tries to act cold, but a smile slowly appears in his lips.

jihoon took a deep breath. does he even have a chance? "yes."

the boys reply with an 'ooooh' sound, eagerly listening to jonghyun and jihoon's game (or in this case, a court trial) "truth or dare?"

"you really do?" he asks again.

"yes, yes i do!" jihoon is now annoyed on what the boys doing to him, torturing him with his past.

"truth or dare?"

not wanting jonghyun to keep asking the same question, jihoon went to the other choice. "dare."

"when we return home, i dare you to ask her out."

-

it's the end!! there'll still be a short epilogue, so don't worry :D

- yuehwa