Winter's A Real Boy With Marriage Problems (J.W.)


Rainkeeper: Alright, give me some of your favorite moments that have happened in your fandoms.

Air: The entirety of The French Mistake

Kelp: Patton exploding into a giant frog hulk and battling Deceit in the style of an old video game. Oh! And Remus's first ever entrance, where he knocks Roman unconscious. That was hilarious.

Joy: Chapter 56 of A Court of Mist and Fury, when Cassian flirts with Feyre too soon after the mating bond clicks, and Rhysand going completely feral and causes AN ENTIRE VILLAGE TO RUN AWAY IN FEAR OF HIS RAGE.

Nightflyer: Every single second Remus Lupin and Sirius Black were on screen.

Seashell: The scene in the live action Beauty and the Beast where they go to Paris because I LOVE THE SOOONNNNGGGGG

Nightflyer: This was the Paris of my childhood....

Seashell: YES.

Joy: These were the borders of my life,

Air: In this crumbling, dusty attic,

Rainkeeper: Where an artist loved his wife.

Kelp: Easy to remember,

Joy: Harder to move on,

Seashell: Knowing the Paris of my childhood, is gone

Seashell: UGGGGGGGHHHHH I LOVE IT

*players appear*

Winter: WHY ISN'T THIS OVER WITH YET??

Hosts: *shrugs*

Nightflyer: Believe it or not, we actually have one more chapter than we thought because SOMEONE miscalculated.

Seashell: So I suck at math, SO WHAT?

Air: Hi, I'm Jared, I'm 19, and I never fucking learned how to read.

Nightflyer:......Air, you can read, right?

Air: Yes, and so can Jared Padalecki, I promise.

Nightflyer: Okay good.

Joy: So what, I'm still a rock star, I got my rock moves-

Kelp: AND I DON'T NEEEEEED YOOOUUUUU

Joy/Kelp: AND GUESS WHAT, I'M HAVIN MORE FUN, SO NOW THAT WE'RE DONE, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU TONIGHT, I'M ALRIGHT, I'M JUST FINE, AND YOU'RE A TOOOOOOOOOOOOOL-

Rainkeeper: Why are you both P!nk trash?

Joy: Because I'd rather be pink trash than neon orange trash, duh.

Rainkeeper: That doesn't make sense-

Kelp: Yes it does.

Joy/Kelp: *high five and keep singing P!nk songs*

Amber: So what are we doing today? 

Moon: Did anyone else catch that One World virtual concert Lady Gaga organized?

Joy: You mean the one where the Rolling Stones performed, and Keith Richards was completely strung out on drugs for the whole thing and Charlie Watts had no idea he wasn't actually playing on a drum set? Yeah, we saw that.

Moon: Keith Richards wasn't on drugs for it?

Joy: Really? 

https://youtu.be/N7pZgQepXfA

Joy: REALLY?

Moon:......I retract my statement.

Air: *laughing*

Air: Charlie has no idea what he's doing, but he's happy.

Rainkeeper: Best performance out of that whole concert, honestly.

Turtle: HEY! *claps loudly* DARE, REMEMBER?

Kelp: Right, yes, that thing!

Air: Winter, we need you to kiss dragons.

Winter:.....

Winter: Did you have a specific dragon in mind or can I pick or-

Qibli/Moon: *fighting over who gets to kiss him*

Amber: *steps over the Moonbli wrestling match*

Amber: Hi. 

Seashell: *shoves Amber out of the way*

Seashell: You have many options to consider, I'm just saying, you must be getting tired of the same old thing and I'm right here so-

Qibli: HEY! BACK OFF OF MY HUSBAND, SEASHELL.

Moon: SERIOUSLY. DON'T GET INVOLVED IN THIS LOVE SQUARE.

Kelp: Oh, we're well past square.

Air: Pentagram?

Joy: That too.

Nightflyer: I took the liberty of making a diagram.

Air: Woah.

Nightflyer: It's color coordinated.

Kinkajou: *inspects*

Kinkajou: *nodding* This checks out.

Winter: You never answered my question.

Kelp: Everyone you have a ship with.

Winter: What?

Seashell: *snaps talons*

*Lynx appears*

Joy: Kiss her in front of Moon.

Winter: Wha- Why would I do that? I don't like Lynx. 

Lynx: Really?

Winter: Yeah! But I mean, I can kiss who I want, I'm single.

Moon: You were not yesterday.

Qibli: *waves marriage certificate*

Qibli: ARE YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING???

Winter: Is that still valid?

Nightflyer: Oh yeah.

Joy: We're gonna wait til Book 3 to reveal to you guys whose actually still married to who.

Kinkajou:.......Turtle, we didn't get divorced, did we?

Turtle: No dear.

Kinkajou: YAY! And we have no marriage problems whatsoever.

Turtle: In my mind, Martha, you are buried in cement, right up to your neck. No, right up to your nose.... That's much quieter.

Kinkajou: *laughs* Wait who's Martha?

Joy: I was fighting a caped badass until we found out his mom's name is Martha too.

Kelp: No.

Joy: Traffic?

Air: Hehe, traffic was the 666th word. 

Joy: Makes sense. There's a lot of traffic on the highway to hell.

Winter: Whatever. *kisses Lynx*

Moon: *inhales*

Moon: I'm going to try VERY hard not to murder you.

Winter: Now what?

Air: Kiss Moon in front of Qibli.

Winter: *kisses Moon*

Moon: I'm still mad at you.

Winter: As usual.

Qibli: *gasps dramatically*

Qibli: WINTER! HOW COULD YOU!?

Qibli: *slaps him*

Qibli: DOES OUR MARRIAGE MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?

Winter:.......Do you want the honest answer to that cause.....

Qibli: *screeches*

Qibli: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THIS. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL THE CHILDREN?!!?

Winter: WHAT CHILDREN?

Qibli: *gasps*

Qibli: HOW DARE YOU FORGET OUR SON *hugs Turtle*

Turtle: No, I'm used to it, really, it's okay.

Qibli: NO IT'S NOT BABY, LOOK AT THIS, WINTER, LOOK HOW YOU'VE AFFECTED OUR SON. 

Winter: SINCE WHEN IS TURTLE OUR SON???

Qibli: I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN OUR CHILD.

Hosts: *eating popcorn and enjoying their soap operas*

Winter: Well that's ridiculous. He looks nothing like me.

Qibli: *gasps louder* AND WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?!?!

Winter: *shrugs* I don't know. I mean, you've been seeing Moon more than I have-

Qibli: *slaps him again*

Turtle: I'm gonna go to my room-

Qibli: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, WINTER. YOU'RE NOT THE SAME MAN I MARRIED.

Winter: I'm not even a man- THEY TURNED ME INTO A GIRL, REMEMBER?

Winter: And I'm not leaving, you're overreacting.

Qibli: ovERREACTING?!?!!?

Qibli: I AM NOT OVERREACTING! FINE! THAT'S IT! TURTLE, PACK YOUR THINGS, WE'RE GONNA GO STAY WITH AMBER.

Winter: Oh that's just great, GO STAY WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND!

Qibli: SCREW YOU!

Winter: Buzz off.

Qibli: I hope you're bit by a snake!

Winter: I hope you break your back!

Qibli: I HOPE YOU STEP ON A LEGO BAREFOOT!

Winter: *gasps*

Qibli: *grabs Turtle and drags him away*

Amber: *wraps a wing around Qibli*

Amber: It's alright, babe, he was never good enough for you anyways.

Qibli: I KNOW.

Winter: What the hell just happened-

Joy: I don't know, but I want more of it.

Rainkeeper: Well this will be awkward now, but we need to do seven minutes in heaven with Qibli....

Qibli: *shoves Amber away and runs to Winter*

Qibli: I think we can set aside our spat for that, right dear?

Winter:......You have a lot of problems, Q.

Qibli: If I'm Q, does that mean you're 007?

Winter: I guess?

Qibli: I see..... Pierce Brosnan or Daniel Craig?

Winter: Neither. Sean Connery.

Qibli: ooooooo

Nightflyer: *shoves them in a closet*

Seashell: The dares were for him to kiss two dragons and do seven minutes with one- WHY IS THIS ALREADY OVER 1,000 WORDS?

Rainkeeper: Why did they cut the Class song from the Chicago movie? I don't know, Seashell, I don't have the answers to these things.

*seven minutes later*

Winter: Are we done now?

Joy: Yep! And it gets better.

Winter: Wha- how?

Rainkeeper: Congrats, Winter.

Air: YOU'VE OFFICIALLY COMPLETED YOUR 15 GIRL DARES!!!!

Winter: I-I have?

Kelp: YEP!

Winter: Are you messing with me again?

Seashell: Nope! *snaps talons*

Winter: *turns into a boy again*

Winter: *screams and starts crying*

Amber: You regret turning back, don't you.

Winter: ARE YOU KIDDING?!!?!?!?

Winter: I MISSED THIS SO MUCH!!!!

Joy: You would not believe the number of people that asked you to stay as a girl.

Winter: I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU MAKE ME A FEMALE THAT LONG AGAIN.

Amber: I don't have to go back, do I?

Air: Nope.

Amber: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAY!!!!!

Moon: Winnie? You good?

Winter: *curled on the floor, hugging himself and crying*

Winter: I-I just need a moment....

Moon: Okaaaay.

Qibli: Just so you know, this solves nothing in our marriage. Come on Turtle, we're leaving.

Turtle: Actually, I think I'm gonna live with Kinkajou until you guys get things sorted out.

Qibli: Oh.... *tears up* Well, if that's what you think is best....

Kinkajou: Wait.....Does this mean Qibli is my father in law?

Kinkajou: Why does that make sense?


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