A/N: The Jar of Sorrow was named by @darthfalence BTW, and a reminder that I OWN NOTHING RELATED TO BE MORE CHILL. 

Rainkeeper: A reminder of the cast in case you need it.

JEREMY HEERE - awkward high school junior {Qibli}
CHRISTINE CANIGULA - high school theatre girl, sweetly dorky {Moon}
MICHAEL MELL - Jeremy's music-obsessed best friend {Turtle}
JAKE DILLINGER - high school awesomeness personified {Winter}
RICH - five feet five inches of teenage bully {Deathbringer}
CHLOE - the hottest girl in school, crass and confident {Umber}
BROOKE - the second hottest girl in school, insecure {Kinkajou}
JENNA ROLAN - the girl who knows everyone's business {Sunny}
JEREMY'S DAD - never wears pants {Clay}
MR. REYES - drama teacher {Starflight}
SCARY STOCKBOY - scary stockboy {Peril}
THE SQUIP - the supercomputer in Jeremy's head {Carnelian}

*Curtains rise on Scene 1*

*It's the day before Halloween, and everyone is getting ready for Jake Dillinger's party*

Kinkajou: Picked out a costume for tonight
Made sure to get a size that was a lot too tight
You can kind of see my business
But I'll act like I don't know
Woah

Winter: I got a condom

Umber: And a flask

Deathbringer: I stole my older brother's Jason mask
And I don't have a machete but a loaf of bread will do

All: Ooh

Qibli: *dresses up like a cyborg*

Carnelian: Tonight's the night. This is what we've been working towards. Are you ready?

Qibli: *in a robot voice* Affirmative. 

Carnelian: *glares*

Qibli: I mean... I got this.

*cut to the Halloween party*

Winter: Who's ready for my Halloween party?
Everybody's got a red Solo cup
Fill it up, fill it up
Hear the beer spill on the ground
Everybody's all like "'Sup!
Yo man, 'sup!
Let's catch up!
Let's smoke up!
Look how many drinks I've downed!"
Every single song's all like "Whoop!"
They're all "Whoop!"
We're like "Yup
Turn it up!"
As we stumble to the sound

All: 'Cause a Halloween party's a rad excuse
To put your body through mad abuse
And I might pass out but it's alright
'Cause I'm Halloween partyin' hard tonight
(Woo!)
It's Halloween!
(Woo!)
It's Halloween!

Qibli: *walks in, Brooke lights up at the sight of him*

Kinkajou: Jeremy! I was afraid you weren't coming, did you get my messages?

Carnelian: Play it off

Qibli: Am I late? I didn't even realize

Kinkajou: *looks crushed*

Kinkajou: Well, what do you think of my costume? I figure, you always see sexy cats, but no one ever goes as a sexy dog

Qibli: Oh, its...

Carnelian: Vague compliment

Qibli: Original. I mean amazing! Seriously, I can't believe I'm with a girl who looks like you

Kinkajou: Chloe said it was dumb...You need a drink! *runs off*

Qibli: Did you see the look on her face? She thought I stood her up!

Carnelian: And she was so excited when she realized you hadn't. People want what they don't have. Look who's here.

Qibli: *looks over to see Christine arrive and head for Jake*

Moon: Sorry I'm late.

Winter: I didn't even realize.

Moon: Oh. Okay... *looks at his costume* I thought we were going as prince and princess.

Winter: Right- I'm Prince! What are you supposed to be?

Moon: It's an authentic Renaissance....Never mind....

Winter: Ooohhh......You want a drink?

Moon: Sure-

Winter: Cool, they're over there! *joins the other party people, leaving Christine alone*

All: Crank the bass!
It's Halloween!
Break a vase!
It's Halloween!
Jello shot!
It's Halloween!
Liver spots!
From Halloween!

Qibli: *has a dance off with Jake, ends with Jake respecting him*

*Christine and Chloe watch the dance off. When it's over, Chloe approaches Jeremy*

Umber: I'm supposed to get you. Brooke has a surprise. 

Qibli: What kind of surprise?

Umber: The kind where you don't ask questions and follow me upstairs. *leaves with Jeremy*

All: Everybody's got a red Solo cup
Fill it up, fill it up
Hear the beer spill on the ground
Everybody's all like "'Sup!
Yo man, 'sup!
Let's catch up!
Let's smoke up!
Look how many drinks I've downed!"
Every single song's all like "Whoop!"
They're all "Whoop!"
We're like "Yup
Turn it up!"
As we stumble to the sound
'Cause a Halloween party's a rad excuse
To put your body through mad abuse
And I might pass out but it's alright
'Cause I'm Halloween partyin' hard tonight

Deathbringer: It's Halloween!
It's Halloween.... *starts freaking out, something isn't right, people start exiting until he's alone*

*End Scene 1*

*Scene 2*

Qibli: *follows Chloe into an upstairs bedroom*

Umber: Jake's parent's room. Don't worry, they're not using it

Qibli: Wow, you... really know your way around

Umber: Yeah, I've had sex in pretty much every room in this house

Qibli: Wha...?

Umber: Because I dated Jake! God, what kind of slut do you think I am?
Do you wanna hang?
Do you wanna hang?
Do you wanna hang for a bit?
Just you and me
Intimately
Talking about all of our feelings and shit
Do you wanna get
Do you wanna get
Do you wanna get really deep?
We could connect
If I get wrecked
You could rock this baby fast asweep

Qibli: Uh, I have to go. I can't stand up.

Carnelian: You're welcome

Umber: I don't know why she's so crazy about you. You're not that cute. No offense.

Qibli: None taken. I should get back-

Umber: You know she's not that innocent. That wounded puppy routine? That's how she gets all the guys. Acts all helpless so they want to protect her. Not that I care...

Qibli:....You're jealous of Brooke!

Umber: Um. OBVIOUSLY I'm not.

Qibli: That's INSANE. Why would you be jealous of anyone? You're the hottest girl in school!... Did I just say that out-

Umber: *kisses him, Jeremy tries pulling away*

Qibli: Woah, woah! Make it stop!

Carnelian: I don't understand the request.

Umber: Do you wanna stop?
Do you wanna stop?
Do you wanna stop bein' coy?
Do you wanna get
Do you wanna get
Wanna get inside my diaper, boy?

Umber: *hands him the bottle* It's not actually milk.

Qibli: Oh, I'm not really a big- *SQUIP forces him to drink it* Drinker! 

Qibli: *kisses Chloe*

*cue cliche knock on the door*

Kinkajou: Jeremy? Are you in there? 

Umber: Shh.

Kinkajou: Jenna Rolan said she saw you go upstairs...Jeremy? .... *leaves*

Qibli: *sigh of relief* If Jenna Rolan saw us...

Umber: Jenna Rolan should mind her own business. 

Qibli: Brooke's going to find out. Don't you care?

Umber: You're less cute when you're talking.

Qibli: *to SQUIP* Help me out here!

Carnelian: KONICHIWA!

Qibli: What?

Carnelian: I'm sorry Jeremy. Alcohol temporarily scrambles my *Japanese*

Qibli: THEN WHY DID YOU MAKE ME DRINK IT?!!?

Carnelian: It was important you take advantage of the *Japanese* You'll thank me *Japanese* 

Umber: Whatever, I've had enough-

*pounding on the door*

Winter: JEREMY HEERE?

Umber: Oooooh, the fun begins.

Qibli: Is that... Jake?

Winter: Jeremy, I know you're not having sex on my parent's bed, because if you were, I'd have to rip your balls off!!!

Umber: GREAT, THEN YOU CAN BOTH BE BALL-LESS!

Winter:...... CHLOE?!?!? *tries to get, find the door is locked*

Umber: HEAR THAT? I'M HAVING HOT SEX WITH JEREMY ALL OVER YOUR PARENTS LINENS!

Qibli: No we're not! I SWEAR WE'RE NOT!

*pause*

Qibli:... Maybe he believed me and went away-

*fist smashes through the window*

Carnelian: KEI-KOKU, KEI-KOKU!!!! (Warning, warning in Japanese)

Winter: *pulls himself into view*

Umber: *straddles a now shirtless Jeremy*

Winter: YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD, JEREMY!

Umber: Go away, we're busy SCREWING!

Qibli: *shoves Chloe away and runs for the door, opening it only to find Brooke standing there*

Kinkajou: Jeremy?

Qibli: BROOKE! *freezes*

Winter: *climbs in the window* JEREMY!

Qibli:....I'm sorry. *shoves Brooke aside and runs, Jake chasing after him*

Winter: I'LL KILL YOU, JEREMY! Oh man, I shouldn't have drank so much Peach Schnapps.

*End scene*

*Scene 3*

*Jeremy runs into the bathroom, locks the door, and takes a deep breath. He sits down at the edge of the tub, and a monster hand reaches up to grab him*

Qibli: AAHHHHH!!!!

Turtle: Sup.

Qibli: Michael? I didn't know you were invited to this party.

Turtle: I wasn't. Which is why I'm wearing this clever disguise!

Qibli: *stares*

Turtle: You're speechless. Squip got your tongue?

Qibli: It's.... off.

Turtle: That would explain why you're talking to me.... I've been thinking about this moment. What would I say to you? I had this really pissed off monologue, an epic journey through twelve years of friendship....What?

Qibli: It's really good to see you, man.

Turtle: It won't be once you hear what I found out.

Qibli: Found out?

Turtle: About.... *taps his head*

Qibli: *realizes what he means* How? There's nothing on the internet-

Turtle: which is weird, right? I mean, what's not on the internet? So I started asking around. Finally this guy I play Warcraft with told me how his brother went from a straight D student to a freshman at Harvard. You know where he is now?

Qibli: Really happy and successful?

Turtle: He's in a mental hospital. Totally lost it.

Qibli: I don't see what that has to do with...

Turtle: Think, man! We're taking an insanely powerful super computer. You really think its primary function is to get you laid? Who made them? How did they end up in a high school? In New Jersey? Of all possible applications for such mindblowingly advanced technology, you ever wonder what it's doing inside YOU?

Qibli:......And I thought CHLOE was jealous.

Turtle: I'm honestly asking!

Qibli: Really? Because I think you're pissed that I have one and you don't!

Turtle: Come on-

Qibli: Maybe I got lucky, is that so weird? With my history, I'd say the universe owed me one. And I don't know about your friend's brother's whatever, but if you're telling me his squip made him crazy-

Turtle: His squip didn't make him crazy.

Qibli: Oh, well, there you go!

Turtle: He went crazy trying to get it out.

Qibli: Then I've got nothing to worry about. Why would I want that? *heads for the door, but Michael blocks him* Move it.

Turtle: Or you'll what?

Qibli: Get out of my way LOSER. 

Turtle: *steps aside and Jeremy leaves*

*knock on the door*

Sunny: HELLO? Other people have to pee!

Turtle:....I'm having my period...

Sunny: Take your time, honey.

Turtle: I am hanging in the bathroom at the biggest party of the fall
I could stay right here or disappear, and nobody'd even notice at all
I'm a creeper in a bathroom 'cause my buddy kinda left me alone
But I'd rather fake pee than stand awkwardly, or pretend to check a text on my phone
Everything felt fine when I was half of a pair
Now through no fault of mine, there's no other half there
Now I'm just Michael in the bathroom, Michael in the bathroom, at a party
Forget how long it's been
I'm just Michael in the bathroom, Michael in the bathroom at a party
No you can't come in!
I'm waiting it out 'til it's time to leave
And picking at grout as I softly grieve
I'm just Michael who you don't know, Michael flyin' solo, Michael in the bathroom by himself
Oh, by himself
I am hiding, but he's out there, just ignoring all our history
Memories get erased, and I'll get replaced, with a newer, cooler version of me
And I hear a drunk girl sing along to Whitney through the door.. I wanna dance with somebody!
And my feelings sink, 'cause it makes me think: now there's no one to make fun of drunk girls with anymore!
Now it's just Michael in the bathroom, Michael in the bathroom at a party
I half regret the beers
Michael in the bathroom, Michael in the bathroom at a party
As I choke back the tears
I'll wait as long as I need, until my face is dry
Or I'll just blame it on weed, or something in my eye!
I'm just Michael who you don't know, Michael flyin' solo
Michael in the bathroom by himself!
Knock, knock, knock, knock
They're gonna start to shout soon
Knock, knock, knock, knock
Oh hell yeah, I'll be out soon

All: Knock, knock, knock, knock

Turtle: It sucks you left me here alone..

All: Knock, knock, knock, knock

Turtle: Here in this teenage battle zone..

All: Clang, clang, clang, clang

Turtle: I feel the pressure blowing up..

All: Bang, bang, bang, bang

Turtle: My big mistake was showing up..

All: Splash, splash, splash, splash

Turtle: I throw some water in my face
And I am in a better place
I go to open up the door
But I can't hear knocking
Anymore
And I can't help but yearn
For a different time
And then I look in the mirror
And the present is clearer
And there's no denying, I'm just..
At a party
Is there a sadder sight than...
Michael in the bathroom at a party
This is a heinous night
I wish I stayed at home in bed watching cable porn
Or wish I offed myself instead
Wish I was never born!
I'm just Michael who's a loner
So he must be a stoner
Rides a PT Cruiser
God he's such a loser
Michael flyin' solo
Who you think that you know
Michael in the bathroom by himself
Oh, by himself
Oh, by himself
All you know about me is my name
Awesome party
I'm so glad I came

*End scene*

*Scene 4*

*The living room, the party is winding down as Rich moves from guest to guest*

Deathbringer: You got any Mountain Dew Red?

Qibli: *enters and finds Christine on the couch next to someone that's passed out*

Moon: Hey.

Qibli: Yo.... So, where's your date?

Moon: He's having make-up sex with Chloe, so my night's pretty awesome.

Qibli: Sorry.

Moon: Don't be. I dumped HIM.

Deathbringer: It looks like normal Mountain Dew? But red?

Qibli: You dumped Jake? WHY?? Sorry, you don't have to-

Moon: I'm not Juliet, and he's kind of a jerk, so....

Deathbringer: SERIOUSLY! WHERE THE FUCK CAN I GET SOME MOUNTAIN DEW RED?!?!!?!

Moon/Qibli: *stare at Rich and then burst out laughing*

Moon: Popular people are messsssed uuuup.

Qibli: Word.

Moon: I mean, you're one of them.

Qibli: What? No I'm not.

Moon: Hello, guy who's been pucking his way through the cast of Midsummer.

Qibli: I'm not- Pucking?

Moon: You like that? Just made it up. Boo-yah. 

Qibli: *stares*

Moon: What?

Qibli: It's just... I don't know what I'm supposed to say right now.

Moon: Say whatever's on your mind.

Qibli:........MWAH.

Moon: *stares*

Moon:.....PHAT.

Qibli: *other weird noise*

Moon: *different weird noise*

Unconscious person: *loud weird noise*

Moon/Qibli: *laugh*

Moon: It's kinda killer to sit and chat with you,

Qibli: Really?

Moon: It's true, It's pretty killer to sit and chat with you.

Qibli: It's pretty killer for me too.

Moon/Qibli: Woo hoo, 
It's pretty killer to hang and talk with you
I'm glad that we both agree

Qibli: Christiiinnnnee
Christine
Christine, will you go out with me?

*awkward pause*

Moon: Jeremy.... I can't...

Qibli: I thought we were friends-

Moon: We are. But... I don't think I should go out with anyone until I figure out who I am. I know that's not what you wanted to.... I'm sorry. *leaves*

Deathbringer: *watches her go and imitates an exploding bomb*

Deathbringer: BAAAAAAAAAAA-CRASH!.... Got any Mountain Dew Red?

Qibli: Okay, this whole no-drinking-while-squipping thing? Would it have killed you to give me a warning?.... Rich?

Deathbringer: *jumps up like an on switch has just been flipped*

Deathbringer: WARNING. WARNING. WARNING. *runs away*

Qibli: Okay, that's weird.

Carnelian: *pops up* Hello Jeremy

*from the audience, you can distinctly hear Air yell "HELLO DEAN!"*

Qibli: About time!

Carnelian: My absence was not ideal, but it was necessary. One moment while I review the data from this evening....... Oh my.

Qibli: It's bad, right?

Carnelian: We need to get you home.

Qibli: But-

Carnelian: NOW.

*End Scene*

*Scene 5*

*Open on Jenna Rolan, texting on her phone*

Sunny: O-M-G Chlo, answer me
Woah, wait until I tell you what I heard!
It's too FUCKED to type, this shit is ripe
Call back, I'll yell you every word

Umber: Jenna Roland calling
Ugh, Jenna Roland calling...
Jenna Roland calling...
Hey!

Sunny: Ohmygod.. Ohmygod..
Okay, so!
At the end of last night's party
Very end of last night's party
Did you see Rich?

Umber: Oh I saw Rich

Sunny: So he's behaving hazy like a tweaking junkie
Flailing crazy like a freaking monkey

Umber: He's gotta learn to handle his high
Shouldn't drink so much for a small guy

Sunny: Right, but, he wasn't drunk

Umber: The hell you say, Jenna?

Sunny: Yo, he wasn't drunk!

Umber: The hell you say, Jenna?

Sunny: No! Because I heard from Dustin Kropp
That Rich had barely touched a drop
Which means that you can't blame the things he did on alcohol
It's just so terrible, I don't want to relive it all
But do you want me to tell you?

Umber: Spit it out! Spit it out!

Sunny: You really want me to tell you?

Umber: Spit it out! Spit it out!

Sunny: I'll tell you 'cause you are my closest friend!

Umber: No I'm not?

Sunny: Yeah, I know
But here's what happened at the party's end
Rich set a fire and he burned down the house! (Woah)
Rich set a fire and he burned down the house! (Woah)
I thought I was dreaming
Everybody was screaming!
When Rich set a fire and he burned down the house
When Rich set a fire and he burned down the house

Umber: O-M-G Brooke, answer me
Look, wait until I tell you what I saw!

Kinkajou: Ignore!

Umber: Hmph! And also space and frowny face
I'm sorry that Jeremy made out with me at the party
But it was totally his fault
And let's not let boys ever come between us ever again okay?
Smiley face, lipstick, kitty paw

Kinkajou: Hey

Umber: We cool?

Kinkajou: We are

Umber: Okay, so!
At the end of last night's party
Did you see Rich?

Kinkajou: No, I was crying

Umber: So he's behaving weird and I was frightened
'Cause I feared his state was heightened

Kinkajou: He's gotta learn to not really smoke a lot
He shouldn't get so high for a tiny guy

Kinkajou/Umber: He's gotta learn to not really smoke a lot
He shouldn't get so high for a tiny guy

Umber: Right, but, he wasn't high!
So you can't blame the things he did on pot
It's just so awful, so I'll talk about it a lot
Rich set a fire and he burned down the house! (Woah)
I thought I was dreaming
Everybody was screaming!
When Rich set a fire and he burned down the house
When Rich set a fire and he burned down the house
Hey, Everybody! Have you heard?
Rich set a fire, now go send the word!

All: Sending a text (Text!)
Sending a tweet (Tweet!)
Sending a text (Text!)
Tweet (Tweet!)
Release the information, step, and repeat!
I'll spread the word! (Woooord!)
That Rich is flecked (Flecked?)
No, I meant fucked
Did I say 'flecked'?
Sorry guys, that's just my auto-correct
(Always be aware of auto-correct!)
R-I-C-H
Can't you see?
Just how much I care about your tragedy
Change my profile pic to you
Now I full understand what you're going through
R-I-C-H
It's a drag
I read, she read, they read you're in a body bag
R-I-C-H
Can't you see?
Just how much I love your tragedy
Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!
Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo!
Sup! Sup! Sup! Sup!
FIRE!
Hey! (Ha!)
Talk it, text it, pass it, talk it!
Woaaaaah...
Ready? Okay
Here we go!
Rich set a fire and he burned down the house! (Woah)
Rich set a fire and he burned down the house!
It was so terribly gory
I got the whole bloody story
Yeah, I wasn't quite there
But I know what happened I swear!

Umber/Kinkajou/Sunny: When Rich set a fire and he burned the house down
When Rich set a fire and he leveled the town

All: When Rich set a fire and he fled to Bombay
When Rich set a fire 'cause he knew he was gay
When Rich set a fire and he melted his head
When Rich set a fire and he's totally dead
When Rich set a fire and he burned down the house!
Burned it down! (Woah)
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Did ya hear? Did ya hear?
Burned it down! (Woah)
Did ya hear? Did ya hear?
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Burned it down! (Woah)
Did ya hear? Did ya hear?
That Rich set a fire and he burned down the..
Rich set a fire and he burned down the..
Rich set a fire and he burned down the house

Umber/Kinkajou/Sunny: He told me cause he's my best friend!

All: Rich set a fire and he burned down the house!
Send!
End!

*End Scene*

*Scene 6*

*Jeremy gets a text on hid phone*

Qibli: Oh my god. They're saying Rich is in the hospital. And Jake broke his legs trying to escape the fire. This is terrible! How could Rich's squip let him do it?

Carnelian: Rich was under a lot of pressure at home. With the squip disabled due to the alcohol, it seems he lacked the proper.... coping mechanism.

Qibli: Did you know?..... You made me leave the party....

Carnelian: I was aware of certain.... probabilities.

Qibli: Did you know people were going to get hurt?

Carnelian: I'm getting the impression you don't trust me, Jeremy.

Qibli: Why me?

Carnelian: I don't understand the question.

Qibli: You could be inside world leader! Presidents! Famous people! What are you doing in me? What do you want?

Carnelian: I promise you, my sole function is to improve your life.

Qibli: Well awesome job! My best friend thinks I'm a jerk! I really hurt Brooke, and Christine- you were supposed to make her like me!

Carnelian: And I will. In time. She is only human. I must account for human error.

Qibli: You were supposed to make everything better. So why isn't it?

Carnelian: Look at yourself. You dress better- you are 93% more attractive, you have had more experience with the opposite sex, which is to say, you've HAD experience with the opposite sex. But human activity is a matter of input as well as output.

Qibli: What does that mean?

Carnelian: The fault is in your peers.

Carnelian: You were always quite the loser, Jeremy
Then I invaded
And you upgraded
Ba-da-ba-ba
Whoa
Jeremy, it's true that I found you
But look around you
Whoa
All your peers are just so incomplete
You can't see it, but they're all in pain
Their operating system's obsolete
So let's complete the chains
And get inside those brains
Let's save the pitiful children

All: Whoa

Carnelian: Let's save the pitiful children

All: Whoa

Carnelian: Let's teach the pitiful children, who just haven't a clue
Just what to do
Help them to help you

*Jeremy is stopped in front of a locker covered in flowers and a banner that reads "GET WELL SOON, RICH"*

Qibli: This is Rich's locker.

Carnelian: Open it.

Qibli: I don't know the combination.

Carnelian: *helps him open the locker*

Qibli: Whoa! *takes out a shoebox*

Qibli: Ladies running shoes? *opens the box* There's gotta be enough squips in here for...

Carnelian: The entire school?

Sunny: *enters*

Qibli: What's wrong?

Sunny: I make it my business to know everyone's business. But does anyone ever want to know mine?

Carnelian: So sad. But you can help her.

Qibli: *gives Jenna one of the pills*

Sunny: Is this, like, drugs?

Qibli: Nnnnnnnyes?

Sunny: Whatever. *shrugs and takes it*

Sunny:......I don't feel anything.

Qibli: Oh! You have to take it with Mountain Dew.

Sunny: Okay. *takes Mountain Dew from her bag and drinks it*

Sunny:....OW! *transforms, beaming with joy*

Carnelian: Can you see the vision clearly, Jeremy?
Users embracing and interfacing
Beep boop beep boop
Shiny, happy people singing sweetly

Sunny: Yeah

Carnelian: Gone is human error and fear

Sunny: Beep bop boo beep bop boo beep bop boo beep

Carnelian: Every issue tucked away so neatly
If you feel a sob or tear
Just turn that knob, and switch that gear

Carnelian/Qibli: Let's save the pitiful children

Sunny: Yeah

Carnelian: Let's save the pitiful children

Sunny: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!

Carnelian: Let's teach the pitiful children
Who just haven't a clue
Just what to do
Help them and soon this will be you

All: Let's save the pitiful children

Carnelian: Rap beep beep bop

All: Let's save the pitiful children

Carnelian: Re bop bo beep bop bo beep bop bo

All: Let's teach the pitiful children, who haven't a clue

Carnelian: If that's what we do
If that's what we do
Then

All: Everything about us is going to be wonderful
We love everything about Squips
Everything about us is going to be so alive
We could never live without Squips

Carnelian: You won't feel left out or unsure

All: Not pitiful children anymore
'Cause
Everything about us is going to be cool
When... we... rule!

*End Scene*

*Scene 7*

*Jeremy's house. His dad sits at the kitchen table while Jeremy enters, carrying the shoebox and acting cold*

Clay: Where do you think you're going, private?

Qibli: The play?

Clay: What play? You're in a play? Did you borrow my car on Halloween?

Carnelian: Disdainful denial. 

Qibli: I don't know what you're talking about.

Clay: Then I guess I should blame the car elves.

Qibli: Do whatever you want *turns to leave*

Clay: Did you take it to that party?

Carnelian: Wait.

Qibli: *stops*

Clay: I'm worried about you. You come and go all hours, doing god knows what, wearing these new clothes... What is going on with you?

Carnelian: Tell him the truth.

Qibli: I took a pill-sized supercomputer called a Squip that's in my brain and it talks to me, and it's made everything better!

Clay: If you're not going to take me seriously...

Qibli: Why should I?

Clay: Excuse me?

Qibli: I'm supposed to believe you care? Look in the mirror! Ever since Mom left, you sit around like you're waiting for her to come back! If she did, you know what she'd find? A loser who's so afraid to have a life, he can't even put PANTS on!

Clay: I could ground you.

Qibli: I don't think you could.....Good talk. *takes the car keys* Don't wait up. *leaves*

Clay:.......

Clay: Jeremy
Is in big bad trouble right now
It's trouble that he can't see
And I gotta help him somehow
I don't know what he wants
But I know what he needs
He'll need a dad so strong
To help him not slip away
I haven't been a dad for so long
But I think I'm ready today
The situation is grave
Now's the time to be brave
I'm gonna finally make that climb
One leg at a time!
When you love somebody
You put your pants on for them!
When you love somebody
You take a chance just for them
Chance just for them!
If the road gets muddy
Focus on the goal 'till the rough stuff's gone
When you love somebody
You put your pants on!

*Cut to Michael on his porch, smoking a joint and burning mementos*

Turtle: Magic the Gathering card he gave me for the birthday nobody else remembered....Burn it. Ticket stub from our first concert- Weird Al. *throws it* Super burn it.

*Jeremy's dad approaches, wearing a pair of thermal underwear*

Clay: Michael!

Turtle: *hides the joint*

Turtle: Mr Heere? What are you doing here?  [The entire reason their last name was Heere was a set up for this joke and no one can tell me differently]

Clay: We need to talk about Jeremy. 

Turtle: Sorry, Jeremy and I aren't friends anymore.

Clay: Do you love him? 

Turtle: What?

Clay: He can be a little shit sometimes. We both know that. But that's no excuse to sit around burning incense while he turns himself into a monster!

Turtle: Yeaaaah, I'm gonna- *tries to go inside, but Jeremy's Dad blocks him* 

Clay: I need you, 'cause I do not have the tools
To help with what he's going through
And I know you know all the rules

Turtle: But I'm not what he wants

Clay: But you're just what he needs
And this might be hard, I know
You just suck it up and go!
When you love somebody
You put your pants on for them!
When you love somebody
You take a stance just for them
Stance just for them!
If the fight gets bloody
Just keep pushing through 'till the pain is gone
When you love somebody
You put your pants on!

Turtle: You're here because you need... pants?

Clay: NO, I need you to reach out to him! Jeremy won't listen to me and... can't blame him... but someone has to watch his back.

Turtle: If I try harder to be his friend, you have to try harder to be his dad.
There's a Kohl's right down the street, I don't care what kind: Jeans, khaki, leather.. You're not leaving that store until you buy a pair!

Clay: You drive a hard bargain, son

Turtle: When you love somebody
You put your pants on for them

Clay: Wear those pants

Turtle: Somewhat reluctantly

Turtle/Clay: Still, you gotta go!
When you love somebody
You put your pants on for them!
Metaphorically

Clay: Or sometimes actual pants, real literal pants

Turtle/Clay: It's a classic study
Of the things we do for our best friend!
When you love somebody

Turtle: You see it 'till the end

Clay/Turtle: When you love somebody

Clay: The conclusions forgone

Turtle/Clay: When you love somebody
You put your big boy pants right on
You put your pants on!

*End Scene*

*Scene 8*

*The night of the play. Christine addresses the audience in a pre-curtain speech*

Moon: Welcome, everyone. Thank you so much for coming to our production of "A Midsummer Nightmare About Zombies." T's been a rough week for all of us at Middleborough. That's why this play is so important- to bring this school together! To show you something special! I know if Rich were here, instead of the intensive care unit at Beth Israel, he'd say: "Go out and show everyone the relevant power of live theater!"

Starflight: *offstage* *coughs* Costumes.

Moon: Oh, and thanks to Hobby Lobby for the costumes.

*backstage, everyone getting in and out of costumes*

Moon: Places, everyone! Break a leg!

Winter: *with crutches on both legs, glares at her*

Winter: Not cool. 

Qibli: *enters*

Qibli: Christine!

Moon: Jeremy! Where have you been? It's so bad. Mr. Reyes made himself your understudy. 

Qibli: Isn't he understudying Rich?

Moon: He's both.

Qibli: Oh god. Look, I've been thinking about what you said at the party-

Moon: I can't do this now...

Qibli: But I finally understand! You can't go out with anyone because you don't know who you are yet, right?

Moon: Yeah, but-

Qibli: Well I get that! And that's awesome, actually, because I felt that way too! I mean, I didn't realize that's what I felt, I thought it was just about being cool, but it was more than that. It was about being confident and understanding who I am... and I couldn't have figured that out on my own.

Moon: You're saying... I helped you do that?

Qibli: Not you, this! *opens his hand, revealing a squip*

Qibli: It's from Japan. It's a computer, and it tells you what to do. You'd never have to struggle to figure out what to say, or over-analyze some little gesture ever again! You'd just know, like play rehearsal. Only it never has to end.

Moon: Jeremy, that sounds...horrible.

Qibli: Yeah!.....What?

Moon: Maybe I have stuff to figure out, but I don't need a pill to do it for me.

Qibli: It's not like that! It'll help you to be better-

Moon: What's wrong with me now?

*Mr. Reyes enters, squeezed into Jeremy's costume*

Starflight: Miss Canigula! Props has whipped up a fresh beaker of Puck's Pansy Serum. *gives her a beaker of yellowish liquid* Oh... Mr. Heere.... I suppose you'll be wanting your costume back.

Moon: I have to go, Jeremy. *leaves*

Qibli: Christine wait! Shit. Shit! What did I do?

*Squip appears, looking different than before*

Carnelian: It's okay, Jeremy. I anticipated her resistance.

Qibli: Then why did you let me say all that stuff???

Carnelian: So you'd see for yourself what's necessary. Not everyone is as open to change as you were. Offering them all a choice would simply delay the result we desire.

Qibli: No, she's right. I don't think I can do this. We should put these back in Rich's locker and- *opens the shoebox, only to find it empty* 

Qibli:....What happened to the rest of the squips?

Carnelian: I anticipated your resistance too, Jeremy, so I took the decision out of your hands.

Starflight: *enters*

Starflight: Places for scene two! People, remember: Once Puck gives you the pansy serum, you have to really sell that you're transforming into a zombie. Excellent work, Ms. Valentine

Qibli: Excellent? But Chloe's terrible, she never remembers her...Mr. Reyes? What's in the Pansy Serum?

Starflight: Oh, don't worry about the color. It's perfectly non-toxic. We don't want a repeat of last year's Arsenic and Old Lace debacle. It's just plain old Mountain Dew! Also Jenna Rolan put these Wintergreen Tic-Tacs in the bottom. 

Qibli: NO! You can't let anyone drink from that beaker!

Starflight: Don't be silly! It's more than safe! I should know, I tried it myself

Carnelian: Up, up, down, down, left, right, A

Qibli: I have to get out there!

Starflight: I can't let you do that, Jeremy

Qibli: Mr. Reyes?

Starflight: You needy, pathetic, self-centered students!
You think I wanted to teach high school drama? In NEW JERSEY?
My SQUIP says I can go all the way to Broadway!
I just have to keep you from ruining my big night! *exits*

Qibli: What are you doing to them?

Carnelian: I'm syncing their desires to yours. I now realize: my operating system can only truly be complete when everyone shares a social network.

*Backstage, Brooke rehearses her lines*

Kinkajou: What.....angel wakes me from my...flowery bed... Ugh, I'm so thirsty. *reaches for the beaker*

Qibli: Brooke no!

Carnelian: *restrains him as Brooke drinks the serum*

Kinkajou: OW! *suddenly terrifying* I warn thee, gentle mortal, it's time to FEED again! *runs off*

Qibli: *look of horror* You're going to SQUIP the whole cast!

Carnelian: That's just for starters!

Qibli: That's not what I wanted!

Carnelian: It's the only way to achieve what you want!

Qibli: I'll fight back! Alcohol messes you up, right? I'll get drunk!

Carnelian: And I'll be back when you're sober! Unless you plan on staying wasted forever?

Qibli: You're a computer, there has to be a way to turn you off

Carnelian: I'd stop there. You don't want to end up like Rich

Qibli: Rich..? What did he..?

Deathbringer: I need Mountain Dew Red!

Qibli: That's it! Green Mountain Dew activates you, Red shuts you off!

Carnelian: Why do you think we had it discontinued? To get rid of me now, you'd need a time machine to the 1990's!

Qibli: Or a friend who's so old-school he buys 90's soft drinks in the back room at Spencer's gifts!

Carnelian: Too bad you don't have one of those... anymore

Qibli: *frantically takes out his phone and fights the squip as he dials*

Qibli: Michael! Call Michael! AAH!!

Carnelian: *makes him drop the phone*

Qibli: *starts fighting the squip for control*

Carnelian: I'm going to improve your life, Jeremy, if I have to take over the entire student body to do it! *flings Jeremy across the room, where he lands at Michael's feet*

Turtle: Michael makes an entrance!

Qibli: Michael!

Turtle: I was just in the audience, thinking "This is pretty good for a school play!"
Then I was like... "This is way too good for a school play!!!" They've all been Squipped, right?

Qibli: W-W-Wait, you came to see me in the play?

Turtle: Even brought my own refreshments! *holds up a bottle of Mountain Dew Red*

All: Ah ah ah ah ah ah!

Qibli: Is that?!

Turtle: Mountain Dew Red! Told you I did my research! 

Qibli: That's amazing! Give it to me! 

Turtle: Okay! Wait. No.

Qibli: But I need it!

Turtle: And I need an apology. I think that's in order, I mean you treat me like I don't exist for months, blow me off when I try to help you-

Qibli: Fine! I'm-

Carnelian: Vocal chords: Block.

Qibli: *struggling to speak* SAAAAAA- SRRRRRR

Turtle: Seriously? Is it that hard to say sorry?

Qibli: YYYYYYES! C'mon, man, this is important!

Turtle: Well this is important to me!

Qibli: It's a word!

Turtle: It's a gesture! Gestures matter!

Carnelian: Kung-fu fists: Activate.

Qibli: *starts fighting Michael as he dodges and ducks and they argue*

Qibli: This is so you! You love to feel superior, just because you listen to music on vinyl and eat eel in your sushi and don't care about being popular!

Turtle: Of course I care! I just know it's never gonna happen!

Qibli: So you resent me because I wouldn't give up like you did?

Turtle: I don't resent you! I'm jealous you try!

Qibli: WELL I'M JEALOUS YOU DON'T!

Turtle: THEN WHY ARE YOU HITTING ME?

Qibli: I'M NOT TRYING TO!

Turtle: DON'T TRY HARDER!

Qibli: IT'S- NOT- ME- IT'S- MY- SQUIP! *pulls away* It's taking over my body! I need your help! I'M SORRY! 

*Michael runs and tries to pin Jeremy down, but he only flails about. Jake enters on crutches*

Turtle: Oh, hey, Jake? This is gonna sound weird, but if I hold down Jeremy, can you make him drink this Mountain Dew Red? *tosses him the bottle*

Winter: Actually, that doesn't sound weird at all

Carnelian: Up, up, down, down, left, right, A

Winter:.... *pours out the bottle onto the floor*

Carnelian: Ha ha ha

Winter: I was already pretty boss before
Now I'm totally boss and then some more!
I'm livin' the upgrade!

Winter: Plus, check this out *throws the crutches away*

Qibli: It healed your legs? 

Winter: No, but I can't feel the pain. It's awesome.
Livin the upgrade, hey hey God, I love me!

*Brooke and Chloe enter, walking creepy*

Umber/Kinkajou: There you are, Jeremy
La la la la la
La la la la la

La la la la la

Kinkajou: I just want you to know I'm not mad that you broke my heart and then slept with my best friend

Umber: And I'm not mad you dated my best friend and didn't sleep with me

Kinkajou: He didn't sleep with you?

Umber: No

Kinkajou: He didn't sleep with me!

Umber: No!

Umber/Kinkajou: Ohmygod, why was I so jealous of you? *gasp* You were jealous of me? That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me! Sisters forever! Jinx!

Turtle: Ugh...

Qibli: Michael, the bottle! There's still a few drops left!

Turtle: How am I supposed to get past them?

Qibli: Apocalypse of the Damned! Level Nine!

Qibli/Turtle: The Cafetorium!

Turtle: Got it!

*Michael parkours his way past Squip zombies and grabs the bottle*

Qibli/Turtle: Find the bad guy, push 'em aside
Then move on forward with your friend at your side!
It's a two player game, so when they make an attack
You know you got a brother gonna have your back!
Then you stay on track and.. Ah!.. remain on course
And if they give you a smack you.. Gah!.. you use your force
And if you leave your brother behind that's lame
'Cause it's an effed up world but it's a two player game!
Hey!

Turtle: Got it! 

*Jenna Rolan appears like a final boss*

Sunny: I know what you're doing, Michael
I know what everyone's doing! All the time!

All: I just feel soooo connected to you guys right now!

Turtle: Jeremy! Catch! *throws the bottle to Jeremy as Squip zombies overtake him*

Qibli: Michael! No!!! *tries to drink from the bottle, but the squip restrains him*

Carnelian: Ah! You don't want to drink that, Jeremy!

Qibli: Why not?

Carnelian: Because then you'll never be with her!

*Squip zombies part to reveal Christine*

Moon: Jeremy?

Qibli: Christine?

Moon: Did you see me out there? The audience loved me!

Qibli: I... That's great! I mean, of course they did.

Moon: I'm so glad I found you here. I wanted to apologize.

Qibli: You....why?

Moon: Because, silly, you were right about how it feels. I...feel... amazing.

Qibli: No....

Moon: I hate play rehearsal
So says my voice that comes from within
I am perfect sans rehearsal
Because I don't need to practice to win

Qibli: That is not Christine

Carnelian: I assure you, it is! Only her fears and her insecurities have been removed.

Moon: I feel so...brave and safe...And Jeremy, I was so scared to say this before, but...You are the person I want to be with every day, And this is something that I've been afraid to say

Moon: You're the guy I am so kinda into (into)
The guy I am totally into (into)
This feeling is new
Jeremy
I love you

Carnelian: That's your cue!

Qibli: She'll do whatever I want?

Carnelian: That's what I promised.

Qibli: Great. *gives her the bottle* Drink this

Carnelian: Wait, think about what you're saying Jeremy-

Qibli: How do you feel?

Moon: *head snaps down, like a computer powering off*

Qibli: Uh....Christine?

Moon: *head snaps up and she screams, echoes by all the other squip zombies* AAAAAAh!

All: AAAAAAAh!

Carnelian: Jeremy!
J-Je-Jeremy?
Jere-re
Ah
Woah
Ah
Woah
Ah
Woah
Woah!
Jeremy!
Jere..
Ah!

*Everyone collapses*

*End Scene*

*Scene 9*

*Jeremy wakes up in a hospital bed, Next to him is Rich in a full body cast*

Qibli: Hello? *tries to get up* Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow

Deathbringer: Feels like you're missing a part of yourself, doesn't it?

Qibli:.... Rich? 

Deathbringer: Hurts like a motherfucker, too. Be honest: What are they saying about me at school?

Qibli:......

Deathbringer: That bad?

Qibli: Sorry.

Deathbringer: Sorry? I'm finally free of that shiny happy hive mind! [Hmm, that doesn't remind me of any current dragon queens....] When I get outta here, the girls are gonna learn to love the real Richard Goranski.....And the dudes. Oh my god, I'm totally bi.

Qibli: You're squip's gone? But how?

Deathbringer: Ask your buddy. Anti-social headphones dude? He's been by, like, a ton by the way. What is he, your boyfriend? No judgment. Just curious. Totally bi now. 

Turtle: *enters*

Turtle: I'm sure some special someone will be lucky to have you, Rich.

Deathbringer: You think? 

Turtle: *pulls the hospital curtain, blocking Rich*

Qibli: What happened? All I remember is that noise and....

Turtle: Oh man, it was genius! They were communicating with each other...they were linked! Which means when you consider the kind of high-frequency sonic disturbance needed to wipe out a system that powerful....

Qibli: Michael. My head still hurts.

Turtle: Right, ah....Turns out you didn't have to destroy every squip. Just one and the rest *mimics explosions* Boom boom boom.

Qibli:... I don't get it. After everything I did, you were still there for me. Why?

Turtle: I can't take all the credit. Your dad can be shockingly persuasive.

Qibli: My dad?

Clay: *enters, triumphantly wearing pants for the first time in this entire effing play*

Clay: Jeremy? Are you okay?

Qibli: Actually, I'm great-

Clay: I'm glad. Because you're grounded. You're going to see some serious changes, young man, starting-

Qibli: *grinning*

Clay: what?

Qibli: Dad....You're....wearing...

Clay: Don't look so surprised. I'm your father. And I wear the pants around here! Now let's get down to business- who's this Christine person and WHY did I have to hear about her from him? 

Qibli: It doesn't matter. After what I did, I'm lucky if she wants to go to the same school as me. 

Turtle/Clay: *exchange a look*

Qibli:...What?

Turtle: It's reassuring. He still doesn't know anything about girls.

Clay: You gotta buy her a rose
Compliment her on her clothes

Turtle: Say you appreciate that she's smart

Deathbringer: *pulls back the curtain, having been eavesdropping the whole time*

Deathbringer: Nah, man, you tell her that she

Excites you sexually

Excites you sexually

Deathbringer/Clay/Turtle: And that's the way you get
To her heart
Trust me, I know
How it's gonna go
Listen and oh!

Qibli: And all there are voices in my ear
I guess these never disappear
I'll let 'em squeal and I will deal
And make up my own mind
Might still have voices in my head
But now, they're just the normal kind
Voices in my head, but now they're
The normal kind!

*Cut to school, where Jeremy is surrounded by Chloe, Brooke, Jake, and Jenna*

Qibli: Heyyyy guys.... About what happened-

Winter: We've been looking for you, punk. *grins* To say, good luck asking out Christine.

Qibli: Seriously, how does everyone know about that?

Umber: It's crazy, but since we all did ecstasy at the school play, I've felt really connected with you guys. You tell him, Jenna. 

Sunny: Just summon strength from within

Kinkajou: Don't get hung up on your skin!

Umber: She probably thinks
That acne is hot!

Winter: I'll throw you a rope, home slice
If you need some dope advice

Winter/Umber/Kinkajou/Sunny: Now march on over
And give her a shot
Buddy, you'll see
It'll go perfectly
If you listen to me, me, me!

Qibli: And all there are voices all around
And you can never mute the sound
They scream and shout
I tune 'em out
And make up my own mind
Might still have voices in my head,
But now, they're just the normal kind
Voices in my head, but now they're
The normal kind!

Qibli: *finds Christine* Hey....So....

Moon: I still remember how it felt...

Qibli: What?

Moon: It was like you said. Like I'd never have to not know anything again. Who did yours look like?

Qibli: Keanu Reeves. Yours?

Moon: Hillary Clinton. It's embarrassing....

Qibli: Actually that one's pretty good,

Moon: To find out, deep down I just want things to be easy

Qibli: Yeah... but who wants things to be hard?...
Look, I almost destroyed the school... maybe all of human civilization...
I know that the last thing I deserve is another shot, but, um...

Moon: Just say what's on your mind, Jeremy

Qibli: Lunch? Just the two of us?

Moon: And any voices in our heads?

Qibli: There might be voices in our heads
But I swear, the voices there
Will be the regular kind

Moon: Me and the voices in my head
Have made up our collective mind

Qibli: What do they say we should do?

Moon: I think that all of us want
To go out with you

Qibli: WOOHOO!

All: And there are voices in my head
So many voices in my head
And they can yell and hurt like hell
But I know that I'll be fine

So many voices in my head

And they can yell and hurt like hell

But I know that I'll be fine

Qibli: I still have

All: Voices in my head

Qibli: Yeah, there are

All: Voices in my head

Qibli: Of the voices in my head
The loudest one is mine!

*suddenly the Squip appears, weak, but alive*

Carnelian: Jeremy...

Qibli: Loudest one is mine!

Carnelian: You can't get rid of me that easily!..

Qibli: *stands before the squip, as if banishing it* Loudest one is mine!

Carnelian: Jeremyyyyy...

All: Na nananana nanana na nana na
Na nananana nanana na nana na
Na nananana nanana na nana na

Moon: Ready?

Qibli: Let's go!

Moon: C-c-c-come on, c-c-c-come on, let's go!

Qibli: C-c-c-come on, c-c-c-come on, let's go!

All: C-c-c-come on, c-c-c-come on, let's go!
C-c-c-come on, c-c-c-come on, let's go!
C-c-c-come on, c-c-c-come on, let's go!
C-c-c-come on, c-c-c-come on, let's
Go!

*End Scene*

*END PLAY*

Hosts: *standing ovation and cheer*

Air: THAT WAS ACTUALLY AWESOME!

Seashell: WE ARE SO NEVER DOING A MUSICAL AGAIN!

Joy: WHY IS MY FAVORITE SONG THE ONE ABOUT HAVING VOICES IN YOUR HEAD?

Players: *bows* 

Nightflyer: Current word count-7,518- THREE-FREAKING MOONS.

https://youtu.be/R8AGoI7Vla4

https://youtu.be/lZDTwEwQFZg

https://youtu.be/IcTwXtZb_us

https://youtu.be/5PI_rNq00Dg

https://youtu.be/pHc_HtssAqM

https://youtu.be/WKl0uzdLRDc

https://youtu.be/sDJKosNOdnw

https://youtu.be/qXwVslR6glk