A/N: I DO NOT OWN THIS MUSICAL, THE SCRIPT, THE SONGS, ETC. NOTHING OF BE MORE CHILL IS MINE, AND APOLOGIES IF SOME OF THE SCRIPT IS WRONG, I GOT IT OFF WATTPAD SINCE I COULDN'T FIND THE ACTUAL SCRIPT. Also this took FOREVER.

Rainkeeper: *does a drumroll*

Joy: Come in, come in!

Seashell: Be our guest, although we're NOT singing Disney.

Nightflyer: Have a seat, sit back, relax.

Air: And Enjoy Wings of Fire's-

Kelp: Mostly the JW-

Air: production of-

Hosts: BE MORE CHILL!!!!

Joy: Here's the casting in case you're curious.

JEREMY HEERE - awkward high school junior {Qibli}
CHRISTINE CANIGULA - high school theatre girl, sweetly dorky {Moon}
MICHAEL MELL - Jeremy's music-obsessed best friend {Turtle}
JAKE DILLINGER - high school awesomeness personified {Winter}
RICH - five feet five inches of teenage bully {Deathbringer}
CHLOE - the hottest girl in school, crass and confident {Umber}
BROOKE - the second hottest girl in school, insecure {Kinkajou}
JENNA ROLAN - the girl who knows everyone's business {Sunny}
JEREMY'S DAD - never wears pants {Clay}
MR. REYES - drama teacher {Starflight}
SCARY STOCKBOY - scary stockboy {Peril}
THE SQUIP - the supercomputer in Jeremy's head {Carnelian}

Air: We're just gonna keep dragon names anyways because that's easier.

Seashell: *snaps talons*

*stage appears and musical begins*

Qibli: *At home, before school, waiting for something on a computer to load*

Qibli: *starts singing* C-c-c c'mon c-c-c- c'mon, go go

Qibli: C-c-c c'mon c-c-c- c'mon, go go
I'm waiting for my porno to load
My brain is gonna freakin' explode
And now of course it's time to hit the road
Which means I'll be uncomfortable all day
But that really isn't such a change
If I'm not feeling weird or super strange
My life would be in utter disarray
'Cause freaking out is my okay
Good morning time to start the day!C-c-c c'mon c-c-c c'mon
Go go
C-c-c c'mon c-c-c c'mon
Go go

Clay: *walks in*

Qibli: Dad! Haven't you heard of privacy?

Clay: We're all men at this house. Pretend we're in the army!

Qibli: Just... when I get home... Please have pants on... okay?

Clay: Ten-hut!

Qibli: *goes outside*

Qibli: Should I take a bus or walk instead?
I feel my stomach filling up with dread
When I get nervous my whole face goes red
To weigh the options calmly and be still
A junior on the bus is killer weak
But if I walk when I arrive I'm gonna straight up reek
And my boxers will be bunchy and my pits will leak
Ugh, God, I wish I had the skill
To just be fine and cool and chill
I don't wanna be a hero
Just wanna stay in the line
I'll never be your Rob DeNiro
For me Joe Pesci is fine
So I follow my own rules
And I use them as my tools
To stay alive
I don't wanna be special, no, no
I just wanna survive

Qibli: *arrives at school, bunch of other characters enter*

All: C-c-c c'mon c-c-c c'mon
Go go
C-c-c c'mon c-c-c c'mon
Go go

Qibli: *stops at his locker, where Chloe, Brooke, and Jenna are gossiping* *well more like Chloe and Brooke are gossiping and Jenna is hovering and bouncing around them*

Umber: So Jenna Roland said Madeline told Jake
I'll only have sex with you if you beat me at pool
And then she lost at pool
Deliberately

Kinkajou: That is so awesome

Umber: Brooke!

Kinkajou: I mean slutty

Sunny: And then Madeline was all like-

Umber: I'M TELLING THE STORY JENNA! *sees Jeremy and walks away with the other girls*
Oh my God, he's like totally getting off on that
Ugh

Qibli: *runs into Rich*

Deathbringer: Yo, don't touch me, tall ass!

Qibli: Sorry, I was just trying to get to my-

Deathbringer: *shoves him against the locker and writes something on his backpack*

Deathbringer: You wash that off, you're dead.

Winter: *enters*

Deathbringer: Jakey D!
So what's the story with Madeline?

Winter: Oh man, I shouldn't say
But it's a good thing I rock at pool

Winter/Deathbringer: *walk off, talking*

Qibli: I navigate the dangerous hall
Focus on a poster there on the wall
Avoiding any eye contact at all
And trying hard to remain unseen
The poster's closer now, what does it say?
It's a sign-up for the after-school play
It's a sign-up sheet for getting called gay
And that's not what I need right now
End scene
I hang a left and there's-

Moon: *enters*

Qibli: *stares*

Qibli: Christine....
Christine...
Christine....Christine Canigula
Christine-

Moon: Excuse me....

Qibli: Yeah?

Moon: I think someone wrote BOYF on your backpack?

Qibli: *checks backpack, sees that she's right*

Qibli: I...uh.... *runs away*

Qibli: Well, that was smooth
Yeah, that was super pimp
My mac daddy game couldn't be more limp
No time to wallow
No, instead, just clear your brain and move ahead
Accept that you're one of those guys
Who'll be a virgin 'til he dies
I don't wanna be a baller
Just want some skills to count on
If my nuts were any smaller
They would be totally gone
If I continue at this rate
The only thing I'll ever date
Is my MacBook Pro hard drive
I don't wanna be Clooney, no, no
I just wanna survive

Qibli: *runs into Michael at lunch*

Qibli: Michael!

Turtle: Jeremy, my buddy

Turtle: How's it hanging
Lunch is banging, had my sushi
Got my slushie and more!
The roll was meki maki and I'm feeling kinda cocky
'Cause that girl at Sev' Elev' gave me a generous pour

Qibli: You're listening to Bob Marley again, aren't you?

Turtle: Oh, I'm listening to Marley
And the groove is hella gnarly
And we're almost at the end of this song
Yeah, that was the end
Now tell me friend
How was class?
You look like ass
What's wrong?

Qibli: *shows him the backpack*

Qibli : BOYF? What does that even mean? *turns around, revealing that someone has written RIENDS on it, spelling BOYFRIENDS*

Qibli: I hate this school. I wrote Christine a letter telling her how I feel

Turtle: That's progress!

Qibli: Yeah I tore it up and flushed it

Turtle: Uh...

Qibli: It's still progress!

Turtle: It's all good
Hey, I saw on discovery
That humanity has stopped evolving!

Qibli: That's... good?

Turtle: Evolution is survival of the fittest, right?
But now, because of technology,
You don't have to be strong to survive
Which means there's never been a better time in History to be a loser!
Ha! So own it!
Why try to be cool when you could be...

Qibli: *sees Christine approaching the sign up sheet* Signing up for the play!

Turtle: I was gonna say getting stoned in my basement, but...

Qibli: No! I mean look who's signing up for the play
Christineeeeee

Turtle: Christineeeeee

Turtle/Qibli: Christineeeeee
Christineeee Canigula
Christineeeeee
Christineeeeee
Christineeeeee
Christineeeeee

All: Christine Canigula
Christineeeee Canigula

Qibli: *walks towards the sign up sheet*

Qibli: I feel my body moving through the air
See my converse walking over there
Take a shaky breath and I prepare
Who cares if people think I'm lame
Christine signed I'll do the same
I grab the pen I write my name

*signs up*

Deathbringer: GAYYYYYY 

All: HAHAHAHHAHA

Umber: I like gay people

Qibli: I'm never gonna be the cool guy
I'm more the one who's left out
Of all the characters at school
I am not the one who the story's about
Whyyyy can't someone just help me out
And teach me how to thrive
Help me to more than surviveeee

All: Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

Qibli: More than surviveeeeeee

All: na na na na na na na na na

Qibli: More than survivveeeeeee

All: na na na na na na na na na

Qibli: If this was an apocalypse
I would not need any tips
In how to stay alive
but since the zombie army's yet to descend
and the period is going to end
I'm just trying my best to pass the test and
surviveeeeeee

All: cccccmon cccmon

Qibli: survivvveeeeeee

All: cccmon cccmon go go go go go go go go go go goooo GO!

*End Scene*

Hosts: *clap*

Joy: Three moons, this is gonna be a LONG part.

Rainkeeper: We're gonna split the acts up into two parts, or this will be ridiculous.

Kelp: Good idea.

Air:...... Are we just gonna ignore the fact that Umber said I like gay people, because that was hilarious.

Joy: I'd just like to point out this line- "For me Joe Pesci is just fine"

Joy: "You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around." 

Joy: End quote from George Carlin.

*Scene 2 begins and hosts shut up*

Qibli/Turtle: *standing outside play practice, deciding not to go in*

Qibli: I guess evolution's not for everyone.

Turtle: You don't have to do this. Of course, I'll mock you forever if you don't.

Qibli: *pumping himself up*

Qibli: C-c-c c'mon c-c-c c'mon Go go, C-c-c c'mon c-c-c c'mon Go- *walks in and sees Christine* YO!

Moon: Yo.

Qibli: Is this where you meet for the play?

Moon: Nope. This is where you meet for the swim team. I'm joking.

Qibli: I'm Jeremy! I mean... *stands awkwardly and sweats*

Moon: Are you okay?

Qibli: Hnnh.

Moon: You seem nervous.

Qibli: No, I always..... sweat.... this much....

Moon: I get it, you're a virgin. 

Qibli: Uh-

Moon: First play rehearsal!

Qibli: OH! You think I'm nervous about play rehearsal!

Moon: Why else would you be shaking? A lot?

Qibli: HA HA HA HA HA- yeah, totally freaked.

Moon: Okay. I'm a little jealous, actually. You never forget your first.... Play rehearsal. Coming here is the highlight-

Qibli: Of your day?

Moon: Yeah, right. *grins* of my LIFE!

Moon: I love play rehearsal
Because its the best!
Because it is fun.
I love play rehearsal
and I get depressed as soon as its done.
But not depressed as in like kill yourself depressed
No, I'm not into self-harm
Dude, I swear, here check my arm!
See, I just use the word to emphasize a point,
Show the passion I have got
I am passionate a lot.
I have mad, gigantic feelings,
Red and frantic feelings,
About most everything
Like gun control, like spring,
Like if I'm living up to all I'm meant to be.
I also have a touch of ADD.
Where was I?
Oh, right!
I love play rehearsal,
Cause' you are equipped with direction and text,
Life is easy in rehearsal,
You follow a script so you know what comes next.
Any who the point that I'm getting to is sometimes life can't work out in the way
It works out in the play
Like the only time I get to be the center of attention,
Is when I'm Juliet or Blanche DuBois
and can I mention?

Moon: That was really one of my best roles,
Did you see that? I was incredibly commanding, I think. It made me feel like there just aren't strong roles for women in theater these days, particularly high school theater, do you find that? Because I totally find that-

Moon: And no matter how hard I try,
It's impossible to narrow down the many reasons why,
I love play rehearsal.
I happiness cry whenever it starts!
It's just so universal
Getting to try playing so many parts.
Most humans do one thing for all of their lives,
The thought of that gives me hives!
I've got so many interests I wanna pursue,
And why am I telling this to you?
Guess there's a part of me that wants to.

Qibli: Really?

Moon: There's also a part of me that wants to do this. *screeches* So I did it!

Qibli: Uh...

Moon: Back to play rehearsal,
My brain is like 'bzzz'
My heart is like 'wow'
Because we're here at play rehearsal,
and it's starting,
We're starting,
It's starting,
Sooo-ooon.

Qibli: So where's everyone else?

Moon: We've been slipping in membership lately. I guess it's just the two of us-

*Deathbringer, Winter, Kinkajou, Umber, and Sunny charge in*

Deathbringer: WOO-HOO!

Umber: Let's start this party!

Kinkajou: Has this theater always been here?

Qibli: Aw gah!

Starflight: *enters*

Starflight: Oh thank god, the popular students have arrived. HELLLOOOOOO everyone! My name is Mr. Reyes. You may recognize me from drama class, or my full time job at the Hobby-Lobby. Thank you. I've been dreaming of the day I get to stage William Shakespeare's classic "A Midsummer's Night Dream,"-

Moon: YES!

Starflight: and today, that dream dies.

Moon: What?

Starflight: And is reborn! Just slightly mutated. The school has informed me that, unless I increase out popularity, our funds will be diverted to the Frisbee Golf Team. Which is why OUR production will be set, not in a pastoral forest, but a post-apocalyptic future! Instead of frolicking with faeries, there will be fleeing. From zombies. 

Moon: Don't you care about Shakespeare??

Starflight: That man is dead. Let it go. We will now take a five minute break so I can eat a Hot Pocket. 

Deathbringer/Winter/Sunny/Umber/Kinkajou/Starflight: *leave*

Winter: WOO-HOO!

Deathbringer: Theater is easy, yo!

Starflight: So what's the story between Jake and Madeline?

Winter: *shrugs and hangs back*

Winter: Hey, you were in that play last year.

Moon: You mean Romeo and Juliet?

Winter: Yeah, you were that girl who died!

Moon: You mean Juliet?

Winter: Yeah! That was depressing.

Moon: Thanks...

Winter: But you were good. I'm Jake.

Moon: I.... know.

Winter: Cool. Can I say something stupid? When I saw you die in the play last year... That was like the saddest I'd felt in a long time. It was like everything in my life, all the pressure I feel to be the best at everything, all the time... Suddenly felt so small. And then, when you got up at the end for your victory dance-

Moon: Bow... It's called a bow.

Winter: Right! I remember thinking, "I'm glad that girl's not dead... before I ever got the chance to know her." Stupid, right?

Moon: *stares* That's not stupid at all.

Winter: Cool. Hey, a bunch of us are going out after practice today. You should join. "Parting is such sweet...."

Moon: Sorrow?

Winter: Whatever. *sees Jeremy* Hey dude, somebody wrote BOYF on your backpack. *leaves*

Qibli:...... So I heard this thing about how humans aren't evolving anymore?

Moon: I'm sorry, Jeremy. Did you say something?

Winter: *smiles at Christine*

Qibli: *sees*

Qibli:....Forget it.

Qibli: Once again, there's been a take down.
But I guess it could've gone worse!
At least I didn't have a breakdown
Then have to go to the nurse!
I don't wanna be special
Don't even need to survive!
I just want to know that Christine
Is aware I'm alive!

*End Scene*

*Scene Three*

*In the boy's bathroom, Jeremy is trying to wash BOYF off his backpack when Rich walks in*

Deathbringer: I told you not to wash that off.

Qibli: *searches backpack*

Qibli: Where's my homework?

Deathbringer: I'm talking to you, tall-ass!

Qibli: Why do you keep calling me that? I'm not even that tall!

Deathbringer:  You could be, if you weren't hunched over all scared all the time. The only thing more pathetic is the way you're sneaking off to a stall to get away from me.

Qibli: *stops*

Deathbringer: Stall's for girls. You a girl, Jeremy?

Qibli: How can you talk to people when you're...y'know.

Deathbringer: Confidence.

Qibli: You might wanna.... watch the floor...

Deathbringer: *starts twitching, mutters to himself, acts creepy, like he's receiving a message from the beyond*

Qibli: Uh... I just remembered I don't have to pee after all.

Deathbringer: Don't move.

Qibli: *freezes as Rich faces him*

Deathbringer: You don't remember me freshman year, do you?

Qibli: You didn't go here freshman year-

Deathbringer: *punches the wall*

Deathbringer: I DID! You just didn't notice. Nobody did!

Deathbringer: Freshman year
I didn't have a girlfriend or a clue

Deathbringer: I was a loser just like you
Good times would only soar by
I was gross
As every female would attest
My sexting was a futile quest
My little penis was depressed
He was so lonely
Poor guy
I was hopeless, hopeless
I was helpless, helpless

Deathbringer: Every time I'd walk the hallway
I would trip
I was stagnant and idle
I was so suicidal
And then
Then, then. Then, then
Then, then. Then, then
Then, then.
Then, then I got a squip

Qibli: You got quick?

Deathbringer: Not quick- Squip

Qibli: I've just never heard of it before

Deathbringer: Yeah, that's the point
This is some top secret,
can't even look it up on the internet, shit
It's from Japan
It's a gray oblong pill
Quantum nano technology CPU
The quantum computer in the pill
will travel through your blood
Until it implants in your brain
and it tells you what to do

Qibli: What? That's not even possible-

Deathbringer: *slams him against the wall* SHUT UP TALL-ASS!

Deathbringer: *lets him go*

Deathbringer: Sorry, old habits. Look, I apologize for treating you like human garbage all the time. I only did it 'cause my squip said I had to. But now it's saying you're not a bad guy. That you might want a squip of your own. 'Course, if you're not interested...

Qibli: So...It's like... drugs?

Deathbringer: It's better than drugs, Jeremy
It's from Japan
It's a gray oblong pill
Quantum nano technology CPU
The quantum computer in the pill
will travel through your blood
Until it implants in your brain
and it tells you what to do
It tells you what to do
It's preprogrammed
It's amazing
Speaks to you directly
You behave as
It's appraising
Helps you act correctly
Helps you to be cool
It helps you rule
Picture this

Deathbringer: Nobody cares if you are late
Cause even teachers think you're great
Your weekend's just a full-on slate of blowout benders
Of teenage rockstars splendor
Right now you're helpless, helpless
You are almost hopeless
On the school social map you're just a blip
But if you take my advice
And if you pay the listed price
Well, then you go from sad
to interesting
to hip
Your whole life will flip
When you buy a squip
Yeah, yeah a squip
Hey, a squip
No longer a drip when you got in your grip
A squip, a squip, a squip

Deathbringer: I got a hook up, this guy works at Payless Shoes at the Menlo Park Mall. It's six hundred.

Qibli: DOLLARS?

Deathbringer: It's worth it. Bring the money on Monday, you'll see. *starts to leave*

Qibli: Aren't you gonna wash your hands?

Deathbringer: Aw man, Jeremy, you know what you need?

Deathbringer: A squip,
A squip
A squip
No longer a drip
When you got in your grip
A squip

Deathbringer: *leaves*

*cut to Jeremy in his bedroom that night*

Qibli: Jeremy,
It's from Japan
It's a grey oblong pill
Quantum nanotechnology CPU
The quantum computer in the pill
Will travel through my blood until
It implants in my brain and tells me what to do
It helps me to be cool
It helps me to rule

*End Scene*

*Scene 4*

*Jeremy and Michael are playing video games in Jeremy's room*

Turtle: Apocalypse of the Damned!

Qibli: Level 9!

Turtle/Qibli: The Cafetorium!

Turtle/Qibli: Find the bad guy,
Push him aside.
Then move on forward
with your friend at your side
It's a two-player game
So when they make an attack
You know you got a brother gonna have your back
And you stay on track and I remain on course
and if they give you a smack,
you gotta use your force
and if you leave behind your brother behind its lame
Cuz' it's an f-ed up world but it's a two player game.

Qibli: So? What do you think?

Turtle: He's scamming you. He's scamming you super weirdly.

Qibli: What if he's not? This could be huge! All I need to do is give the guy who torments me six... hundred... He's totally scamming me. I'm doomed to be a loser til the end of the world. No, probably then too.

Turtle: No way.

Turtle: Dude, you are cooler than a vintage cassette.
It's just than no one but me thinks that yet
You're just a nothing in this high school scheme
But it's no big because you and I are a team.
We like out of print games, Retroskates got a Pac-man tattoo
Nobody here appreciates
but soon we'll be together where they do
Cuz' guys like us are cool in college
Cool in college
Yes, I know
Guys like us are cool in college
We rule in college
Listen, bro
High school is hell but we navigate it well,
Cuz' what we do is we make it a two-player game

Turtle/Qibli: Zombie! Watch out! Ahh! What? Aww.

Qibli: As users we have fought together for years
Both Nintendo zombies and our popular peers
Now we're stuck on a level and I wanna move on

Turtle: Just wait two years we're a pawn
You'll realize guys like us are 

Qibli/Turtle: cool in college
Cool in college
Won't be lame

Qibli: Dude, I know I get it

Turtle/Qibli: Guys like us are cool in college

Qibli: But we're not in college

Turtle: All the same
High school is whack, but we have each other's back
Cuz' me and you,

Qibli/Turtle: We make it a two-player game.
Gahh! Ohh! Zombie!

Clay: Hello?

Qibli/Turtle: Blood!

Clay: Son?

Turtle/Qibli: Claws!

Clay: Jeremy!

Turtle/Qibli: Pause.

Clay: *enters*

Qibli: Ah! Dad! Pants!

Clay: Is that a girl? Are you in here with a girl? Oh. Hi Michael.

Turtle: Hey Mr. Heere.

Clay: I was going to order pizza. If there's something you boys want-

Qibli: Did you get dressed today? Like, at all?

Clay: Oh... They didn't need me at the office. So I worked from home.

Qibli: Most people wear pants at home.

Clay: That's why more people aren't your father. Good talk. *leaves*

Turtle:......

Turtle: How is he doing?

Qibli: How does it look?

Turtle: You heard from her?

Qibli: No, and who cares? It's like, Mom moved on- why can't he?

Turtle: Hey-

Qibli: I don't want that to be my future! Rich said his hook-up's at the Payless- what if we go there ourselves? Just to see if his story checks out?

Turtle: And if it does? Will you be too cool for... video games?

Qibli: No way.

Qibli: You know that you are my favorite person
that doesn't mean that it can't still can dream

Turtle: Is it really true I'm your "Favowit person"?

Qibli: Yeah, were never not gonna be a team
High school is shit and you gotta help me conquer it.
It's just what we do,

Turtle/Qibli: we make it a two-player game.

Qibli/Turtle: Find the bad guy,
push him aside.
Then move on forward
with your friend at your side
it's a two-player game
so when they make an attack
you know you got a brother gonna have your back
And you stay on track and I remain on course
and if they give you a smack
you gotta use your force
and if you leave behind your brother behind its lame
Cuz its and f-ed up world but it's a two player game. Hey!
Two-player game,
Two-player game,
Hey-ay-ay!

*End scene*

*Scene 5*

*Payless shoes. Jeremy and Michael stand in front of Scary Stockboy, who's ignoring them. Michael pushes Jeremy forward*

Qibli: I like your sideburns. Wolverine, right?

Peril: Let's see the money.

Qibli: What?

Peril: It's from Japan
It's a gray oblong pill
Quantum nano technology CPU
The quantum computer in the pill
Will travel through your blood
Until it implants in your brain
And it tells you what to do

Qibli: How did you know why I'm here?

Peril: Just look at you, kid.

Qibli: *pulls out money*

Peril: That's four hundred?

Qibli: Four?

Peril: Is that a problem?

Qibli: No! Actually, there's a guy at my school charging-

Turtle: *dramatically clears throat*

Qibli: Uh. Four hundred? Wow! Well, if you insist. *lands over money*

Peril: *gives him a shoebox*

Qibli: Ladies running shoes?

Peril: *opens box and takes out small grey pill*

Peril: Just so we're clear, this is untested technology. And it's not exactly legal. Which is why you're paying for it in cash in the back of a shoe store. I take no responsibility for what you might do with it. Or what it might do with you.

Qibli: What might it-

Peril: To activate, take it with Mountain Dew. Don't know why. Just something about-

Sunny: *walks in*

Peril: I'M SOLD OUT!

Sunny: Of....shoes?

Peril: Oh, you're here for shoes. My bad. *to Jeremy* Scram, kid.

Qibli: Wait, you were saying something important-

Peril: Oh yeah- all sales final. *turns to Jenna* We just got in a killer pair of pumps...

*End Scene*

Joy: THREE-FREAKING MOONS, WE ARE NEVER DOING A MUSICAL WITHOUT A SCRIPT WE CAN COPY PASTE EVER AGAIN! 

*Scene 6*

*Jeremy and Michael sitting in the food court, looking at the pill*

Qibli: I hope you're worth four hundred dollars.

Turtle: Four hundred and one- don't forget the Mountain Dew.

Qibli: If this is real, my whole life could change... We should split it. You helped me get it. We should both benefit, right?

Turtle: I don't think it works that way. Besides, I like knowing that when you're cool, you'll owe me. 

Qibli: Alright. Here goes everything.... *takes the pill with Mountain Dew*

Turtle: How does it taste?

Qibli:... Minty.

Turtle: How do you feel?

Qibli: Like.......a chump.

Turtle: Nothing? At all? Try to say something cool.

Qibli: I think I just blew my bar mitzvah money on a Wintergreen Tic-tac.

Turtle: Yeaaah... Not cool.

Qibli: Please leave me alone to mourn in my chili fries. Forever.

Turtle:....Five minutes.

Qibli: Where are you going?

Turtle: Check it out. Guy in Spencer's Gifts is hooking me up with a case of Crystal Pepsi. It's like regular Pepsi, only clear.

Qibli: Wasn't that discontinued in the 90's?

Turtle: That's what makes it so awesome. *leaves*

Qibli: *looks up as Christine and Jake enter*

Moon: Shouldn't we wait for the rest of the cast?

Winter: Yeaaah.... We're not meeting the rest of the cast. I figured we could get to know each other. Alone. That's why I'm taking you to one of my favorite spots in the universe. Sbarro-

Qibli: Christine!

Moon: Jeremy! I didn't see you there.

Winter: Yeah, you're kinda hard to notice. *turns to Christine* The best part- they let you pick whatever you want-

Qibli: Wait! There's something I need to tell you.

Winter: Now?

Qibli: I...I- *winces and grabs his head in pain* OWW!!!

Carnelian: Target female: Inaccessible.

Moon: Jeremy?

Qibli: OW! what the HELL?

Carnelian: Calibration in process. Please excuse some mild discomfort.

Qibli: MILD!??!?!

Moon: Jeremy, what's wrong?

Winter: Dude, the freak's freaking out.

Carnelian: Calibration complete. Access procedure initiated. 

Qibli: No wait, I'm fine, I just-

Carnelian: Discomfort level may increase.

Qibli: AAAAHHHHH!!!! *runs away, spazzing out*

Carnelian: Accessing: neural memory. Accessing: muscle memory. Access procedure: complete. Jeremy Heere.

Carnelian: *appears*

Carnelian: Welcome to your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor.... Your SQUIP.

Qibli:.....You look like Keanu Reeves.

Carnelian: My default mode. You can also set me for: Sean Connery. Jack Nicholson. Sexy Anime Female.

Qibli: Keanu's fine. Can everyone see you?

Carnelian: I exist only in your mind. All they see is you, having an animated conversation with yourself. So don't do that. Just think at me; like you're telepathic.

Qibli: Like in X-men?

Carnelian: I can see this is going to be difficult. You want to be more chill.

Qibli: You mean cool.

Carnelian: I do not. You see, human social activity is governed by rules and I have the processing capacity to understand those rules and pass them on to you.

Carnelian: Take your hands out of your pockets
Arch your back, puff out your chest
Add some swagger to your gate or
You'll look like a mas-tur-ba-tor
Fix your posture, then the rest

Qibli: But I AM a masturbator..

Carnelian: We'll fix that
All your nerdiness is ugly

Qibli: Nerd? I thought I was more of a geek, but..

Carnelian: All your stammering's a chore

Qibli: Wh-wh-what?

Carnelian: Your tics and fidgets are persistent
And your charm is non-existent
Fix your vibe, then fix some more
Buh

Qibli: Wha?

Carnelian: Buh

Qibli: Wha?

Carnelian: No

Qibli: Aah!

Carnelian: Stop.
Oh, everything about you is so terrible
Whoa, everything about you makes me wanna die

Qibli: Jesus Christ...

Carnelian: So don't freak out
And don't resist
And have no doubt
If I assist
You will
Be more chill

Qibli: *slouches and gets an electric shock*

Qibli: Ow! Did you just... shock me?

Carnelian: Spinal stimulation. You were slouching.
First thing's first, go buy a new shirt

Qibli: What? What's wrong with my shirt..

Carnelian: It's better if you just comply
My job's to color your aesthetic
And make you seem much less pathetic
Just step and fetch, don't ask me why

Qibli: *wanders into a store*

Carnelian: Pick that one. 

Qibli: It has a picture of Eminem.

Carnelian: If you're so astute, what do you need me for?

Qibli: Do people still listen to Eminem?

Carnelian: Irrelevant. My quantum structure enables me to envision possible futures. I envision a future in which you wear an Eminem T-shirt, and things turn out well.

Qibli: What if someone quizzes me about his music?

Carnelian: My database is infinite and instantaneous. 

Qibli: How are you with math homework?

Carnelian: I'm a super-computer, Jeremy. I'm made of math
Oh, everything about you is so terrible

All: Everything about you sucks!
Everything about you sucks!

Carnelian: Whoa, everything about you makes me wanna die

All: Everything about you sucks!
Everything about you sucks!
All the people in the mall
Think you're such a slob
You're a slob!
Terrible!
Such a slob!

Carnelian: And boy, can I see why!
Now you try picking a shirt......
That's a girl's shirt

Qibli: *goes to put it back and bumps into Chloe and Brooke*

Qibli: Sorry...*jolt* OW

Carnelian: Posture.

Umber: ...Jerry?

Qibli: Jeremy

Umber: You shop here?

Qibli: Oh, yeah all the time..

Carnelian: Never

Qibli: Never. Is what I meant to...

Carnelian: Greet the beta

Qibli: Oh. Hey, Brooke

Carnelian: "You look sexy"

Qibli: I can't say that to a hot girl!

Carnelian: Don't smile. Stare intensely. Speak like you don't care about your own death.

Qibli: Lookin' pretty sexy, Brooke

Kinkajou: Thanks

Umber: Is that a girl's shirt?

Qibli: No

Carnelian: "Yes"

Qibli: Yes

Carnelian: Repeat after me..
I saw it in the window
And I couldn't dismiss

Qibli: I saw it in the window
And I couldn't dismiss

Carnelian: I was dating a girl and
She had a shirt just like this

Qibli: I was dating a girl and
She had a shirt just like this

Carnelian: It's still painful

Qibli: It's still painful

Umber: So, who was this mystery girl?

Qibli: Oh, you've probably never heard of her, so..

Carnelian: Madeline

Qibli: Madeline

Umber: What?

Qibli: She's French

Umber: Ugh! She is NOT French! She just pretends to be for attention!

Kinkajou: Madeline broke up with you?

Qibli: Yeah...

Carnelian: No

Qibli: I mean..

Carnelian: I broke up with her

Qibli: I broke up with her

Carnelian: 'Cause she was
Cheating on me

Qibli: 'Cause she was
Cheating on meeeeeeee

Carnelian: Hey, Hamlet. Be more chill.

Umber: what did I tell you? She's such a slut!

Kinkajou: You are so much better off without her, Jeremy.

Umber: Obviously! I mean, who does Madeline think she is? *starts ranting*

Qibli:....What just happened?

Carnelian: A shared negative opinion is the fastest social bond. You want someone to like you... hate who they hate.

Umber: Ugh, let's get out of here.

Carnelian: Brooke is going to offer you a ride. It is imperative you accept.

Kinkajou: So, do you wanna ride?

Carnelian: Yes.

Qibli: Yes
But I'm supposed to meet my friend Michael!

Kinkajou: Oh

Carnelian: Jeremy, if this is going to work. You need to do as I instruct.

Kinkajou: Jeremy
Do you wanna ride?
Do you wanna ride?
Do you wanna ride, wanna go far?
Do you wanna get
Do you wanna get
Do you wanna get inside my mother's car?
Drive it on home
Don't you say no
Jerry, can you be coerced?
Home in a snatch
Only one catch
We gotta stop for frozen yogurt first

Umber/Kinkajou: Do you wanna ride?
Do you wanna ride?
Do you wanna ride, wanna go far?
Do you wanna get
Do you wanna get
Do you wanna get inside my mother's car?
Drive it on home
Don't you say no
Jerry, can you be coerced?
Home in a snatch
Only one catch
We gotta stop for frozen yogurt first

Kinkajou: Piiiiiiiiiinkberry

Qibli: I.... Next time. I promise.

Umber: Whatever *leaves*

Kinkajou:....My boyfriend cheated on me too. EX-boyfriend. So.... I know how you feel.

Umber: Brooke Come ON.

Kinkajou: *giggles* Au revoir!

Umber/Kinkajou: *leave*

Qibli: Did you see- That was awesome! I have to find Michael-

Carnelian: Michael has left the mall.

Qibli: How do you know?

Carnelian: I can access the mall security cameras.

Qibli: So how am I supposed to get home?

Carnelian: I told you accepting a ride was imperative. If this is going to work, you can't just listen. You have to obey. Now repeat after me. Woah, everything about you is so terrible

Qibli: Everything about me is just terrible

Carnelian: Good
Woah, everything about you makes me wanna die

Qibli: Everything about me makes me wanna die

Carnelian: Now you got it
But, Jeremy, soon you'll see that if you listen to me, listen to me
Everything about you is going to be wonderful!

All: We love everything about you!

Carnelian: Everything about you is going to be so alive!

All: We could never live without you!

Carnelian: You won't feel left out or unsure
You won't be ugly anymore
Because

All: Everything about you is going to be cool, and powerful, popular, incredible!

Carnelian: You will...

Qibli: Be more chiLL- I mean chill

Carnelian: Be more chill

All: Be more chill
Be more chill
Be more chill

*cut to Jeremy lying in his bed at home*

Qibli: *half asleep, singing badly* Be more chill....I'll gonna... be super chill...

Carnelian: Sleep well slugger. You have a big day tomorrow. *leaves*

*End Scene*

*Scene 7*

*Jeremy jumps awake and looks around*

Qibli:...Hello? *taps his head* Are you on? Hellooo?

Clay: Jeremy? Are you talking to yourself?

Qibli: I.... guess I am. Huh. *shrugs and reaches for his computer*

Qibli: C-c-c c'mon c-c-c- c'mon, go- *gets shocked* OW!

Carnelian: WHAT did we say about masturbation?

Qibli: I was just going to... check my email...

Carnelian: You can't lie to me Jeremy. I'm inside your brain. We're going to devise a system. I tally every time you think about sex, and that's how many push-ups you do. If this morning is an indicative example, you'll have pecs in no time!

Clay: *enters* Coming through, private.

Carnelian:.....That's the source of your genetic material?

Qibli: That's my dad, yeah.

Carnelian: We should double those push-ups.

Qibli: *heads to school wearing the Eminem T-shirt*

Qibli: Still not gonna be the cool guy, but maybe not so left out
Of all the characters in school, I might be the one who the story's about
Now that someone's helping me out

Qibli: *arrives at school, bumps into Chloe, Jenna, and Brooke, who wave. Dazed, he turns and bumps into Rich*

Deathbringer: Yo, tall-ass. Where's my money?

Qibli: Crap, what do I tell Rich?

Carnelian: Up up down down left right A

Deathbringer: *jolts* You got one!

Qibli: Yeah, sorry, I meant to go through you, but- Don't hit me!

Deathbringer: Jeremy! This is awesome! I mean, I coulda used the money. Things are kinda rough at home, if you know what I'm sayin'

Qibli: Yeah, *prompted by the SQUIP* my dad...drinks too?

Deathbringer: *grins* Yo, fucking dads, right? He usually passes out by nine; you should come over, play X-box. You know with a Squip, the only controller you need is with your mind. *walks away*

Qibli: What was that about?

Carnelian: I synced with his squip. Now his desires are compatible with your own.

Qibli: And that makes him act like we're friends?

Carnelian: What is friendship but a bond between two people? Now you and Rich have a bond. It's just digital. 

Carnelian: Now get ready

Carnelian/Qibli: To more...

Qibli: ...Than survive!

All: Na na na na na na na na, na na

Qibli: All in all a not too heinous day

All: Na na na na na na na na na na

Qibli: Walk the hall with purpose as I swagger on my way

All: Na na na na na na na, hey! Hey! Hey!

Qibli: Feeling crisp and high and clean
I head to drama practice with Christine!

*End Scene*

Rainkeeper: How many scenes are in Act 1?

Nightflyer: I don't know... I lost track of everything at 4,000 words.

Air: Where are we now?

Nightflyer: 5,629.

Seashell: WELP, WE'VE DEFINITELY BROKEN THE LONGEST PART RECORD.

Nightflyer: Now it's 5,640.

*Scene 8*

*Christine is at play rehearsal when Chloe and Brooke walk up, Jenna sitting nearby*

Umber: Is this seat saved?

Moon: Oh, yeah-

Umber: *sits down*

Umber: Jenna Rolan said she saw you at the mall with Jake last night.

Moon: Yeah, that's who it's saved for...

Kinkajou: Jenna Rolan?

Sunny: I'm right here.

Umber: Jake's not coming.

Moon: Is he sick?

Umber: He's at Model U.N.. Or whatever it is this week. You know Jake. Always jumping from one.... extracurricular to another. 

Moon: I don't know him that well...

Umber: Well he loves to try new things. He just doesn't always stay with them after he.... tries them. If you know what I-

Moon: We're just friends. 

Umber: What?

Moon: I know you guys used to date? So if that's what this is about....

Umber: Oh my god, no! Jake and I are totally over.

Kinkajou: Yeah, he's so gross.

Umber: HE'S NOT GROSS, BROOKE.... Friends. I'm so glad. Because, real talk, I would hate for you to think that the reason Jake's not here..... is he's already bored of you. Bye!

Umber/Kinkajou/Sunny: *walk away*

Umber: Jake better not be inviting her to his Halloween Party. 

Qibli: *enters*

Qibli: Is this seat taken?

Moon: I... don't know.

Qibli: Then how about I sit here until whoever shows up?

Moon: Sure.... Hey, are you okay?

Qibli: What?

Moon: At the mall yesterday, you were acting really-

Carnelian/Qibli: Performance art!

Moon: Oh....cool.

Starflight: *flounces in*

Starflight: Let's begin, people! Curtains rise on Athens....Georgia. The center for disease control. 

Sunny(As Doctor Theseus): Now fair Hippolyta, our nuptial hour draws aspace.... Bring me patient Zero! 

*Brooke(As Hermia) enters with Chloe*

Umber(As Sick Helena):.....Cough.

Kinkajou: Doctor, why is her cheek so pale? How chance the roses there fade so fast?

Sunny: She has been attacked in the wasteland. Some say it's fairies. Some say it's spirits. Some say it's the return of a hostile alien race who visited our fair planet one thousand years ago this midsummer... *continues monolouging*

*Jeremy and Christine start whispering*

Qibli: So where's Jake?

Moon: How should I know?

Qibli:..Aren't you guys going out?

Moon: No-

Qibli: REALLY?!?!?

All: *stops and stares at Jeremy*

Starflight: Mr. Heere! Your script is closed. Which I can only assume means you've memorized your entire part. Please- regale us. 

Qibli: *stays frozen*

Starflight: Or perhaps you're simply wasting our-

Qibli: *gets up*

Qibli: If we zombies have offended, think but this and all is mended, that we have but landed here, while these spaceships did appear, and this weak and idle theme, no more yielding but a dream.... Or is it?

Starflight: Well! It seems the rest of you can learn from Mr. Heere's commitment to the craft... Hot pocket break!

Carnelian: You're welcome.

Moon: You're really into this.

Qibli: Why else would I be here?

Moon: Yeah... right...*moves closer* Can I ask you something?

Carnelian: You can ask me anything.

Qibli: You can ask me anything. 

Moon: This is weird....

Moon: Say there's this person you pass in the hall every day
You've known him since seventh grade
You're used to thinking about him in a certain way
From the persona that he displayed
Then something changes, and he changes
From a guy that you'd never be into
Into a guy that you'd kinda be into
From a guy that I'd never be into
Into a guy that I'd kinda be into
Is he worth it?
Jeremy?
Is he?

Qibli: Is she talking about me?

Carnelian: Of course she is. I've been activating your pheromones. Keep it up

Moon: Say there's this person that you never knew that well

All: She is totally into you

Moon: You thought that you had him pegged, but now you can tell
He's gone from a

All: Guy that you'd never be into
Into a guy that you'd kinda be into
From a guy that I'd never be into
Into a guy that I'd kinda be into

Moon: Is he worth it?
Jeremy?

Carnelian/Qibli: Absolutely!

Moon: I don't always relate to other people my age
Except when I'm on the stage
And there are so many changes that I'm going through
And why am I telling this to you?
Guess there's a part of me that wants to
I guess a part of me wants, who knew?
I guess a part of me likes to talk to you
I guess a part of me likes to, who knew?
I guess a part of me likes to sit with you
I guess a part of me likes to, who knew?
I guess a part of me likes to hang with you
I guess a part of me-

Starflight: *enters* Hot Pocket break over, people!

Moon: Back to play rehearsal
I know that it's weird but it's totally true
The guy that I'd kinda be into

Qibli: The guy that you'd kind of be into

Moon: Yeah that

Moon/Qibli: Guy that I'd kinda be into

Moon: Is... Jake

Qibli: What?

Carnelian: Warning, warning *drags Jeremy out of rehearsal*

*End Scene*

*Scene 9*

*Jeremy is outside the school*

Qibli: What was that about?

Carnelian: I'm sorry, but that girl does not see you as relationship material.

Qibli: I know! That's why I got YOU!

Carnelian: And you're SURE you want HER? There are many females at this school. I'm accessing footage from the girl's volleyball practice. It's very impressive. 

Qibli: I want Christine.

Carnelian: You're sure about that?

Qibli: *glares*

Carnelian: Very well. 

Qibli: So how can I get her?

Carnelian: You can't.

Qibli: What?

Carnelian:...Yet. Becoming the kind of man that can impress Christine requires more than working out a few bugs. You're going to need to reboot your reputation. Supercharge your social standing. You need to upgrade.

Qibli: Huh?

Carnelian: You need to get popular. Tear ducts activate.

Qibli: *starts sobbing*

*Brooke enters*

Kinkajou: Jeremy! I've been looking for you.

Qibli: I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm crying.

Kinkajou: I do.

Qibli: You do?

Kinkajou: And I totally understand. They say it was freak hockey accident.

Qibli: What are you talking about?

Kinkajou: Oh my god, you don't know? Eminem's dead!

Qibli: Eminem's DEAD?

Kinkajou: I mean, I was never into him because he was like super old and kinda mean to women, but I know YOU liked him so...

Qibli: *turns to the squip as Brooke keeps talking*

Qibli: Did you know this was going to happen?

Carnelian: Of course not.

Qibli: So it's a coincidence you told me to wear this shirt?

Carnelian: Of course not.

Qibli: Wait, what? DID YOU KILL EMINEM?!?!?

Carnelian: Nooooooot exactly? My quantum processor allows me to envision probable futures. While I did not know that, today, Eminem would be impaled by that rogue hockey stick, I was aware of the probability of a... favorable outcome.

Qibli: Favorable for WHO?!!?

Kinkajou: *touches Jeremy*

Kinkajou: It's okay, Jeremy. You don't have to be alone right now. 

Carnelian: You need to get popular, here's a popular girl who likes you. You need to go where she leads.

Kinkajou: *leads Jeremy away* This is my favorite place behind the school

Kinkajou: Being here
With you right now
Our future is so clear
Our union is so near

Carnelian/Kinkajou: Being here
With you right now
I'll tenderly guide you

Carnelian/Qibli: Just take me inside you
Forever
Your life was so pitiful before
Now it's time to go all the way
And more
You gotta' get an upgrade (Upgrade)
Upgrade
You gotta' get an upgrade (Upgrade)
Upgrade
Don't worry about the guilt you feel
Just take a breath
And seal the deal
Damn!
Gotta' get an upgrade
You gotta' get an upgrade

*Jake finds Christine outside*

Winter: Hey.

Moon: *ignores him*

Winter: You're not gonna say hi?

Moon: I was. At rehearsal. 

Winter: I wanted to be there...But it's the same time as archery,

Moon: It's okay, really-

Winter: Which is why I had to tell the coach I quit. I don't want to do every extracurricular at school. I just want to do yours.

Winter: Do you wanna come over
To my place tonight?
We'll get all sporty
And play cricket
Or get a forty
And just kick it
My parents won't be home
So its alright
They laundered money
Now they're on the run

Moon: Wait.. Th..That's illegal

Winter/Moon: Which means the house is empty
So, that's fun
Oh yeah, yeah
Never hung with a girl like you before
I don't know if you know it
But I am sure
That, for me, you are an upgrade (Upgrade)
Upgrade
Let's be each other's
Upgrade (Oh wow)
Upgrade

Moon: Well I am flattered
This is new
Still, I'm not sure
What I should do

Winter: You gotta' take the upgrade

Moon/Winter: Gotta' take the upgrade

Carnelian: C-c-c c'mon
Jeremy, can't you see
We got a plan
Now be a man
You start with Brooke
And then, progress
And we assess
And soon, success
Will intervene
By which, I mean...
Christine

Qibli: Christine

Carnelian/Qibli: Christine Christine

All: Christine, Christine

Qibli: There's too many voices in my head! I just need a minute to... process. Alone. Can you get out of my head for like five minutes?

Carnelian:......Of course. *disappears*

Qibli: Michael?
Where have you been all day?

Turtle: Really?
So, you're not the one who's been avoiding me?

Qibli: What? I haven't seen you since..... Reactivate.

Carnelian: It's called optic nerve blocking
I have been blocking Michael from your field of vision

Qibli: Wait, what?

Carnelian: Michael is a link to "Jeremy 1.0"
To upgrade you must be willing to make sacrifices

Turtle: Seriously, what's up with you?
You've been acting shady ever since.. since...
It worked, didn't it?
Jeremy, that's amazing!
We gotta' test it out-
No, we gotta' celebrate!
We gotta'...
Get stoned in my basement!

Qibli: I already know what it's like to...
Be the loser
I should find out what it's like to...
Not be the loser
I don't wanna' be special
I just wanna be
Chill as life will allow
Should I take the upgrade?

All: Upgrade, upgrade, upgrade, upgrade (Should I take the upgrade?)
Now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now
Now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now

Qibli: And I wasn't sure before
But now I wanna' go all the way
And more
So gimme that
Upgrade (upgrade, upgrade)
Gimme that

All: Upgrade, upgrade, upgrade
Tried to be genuine and true
But now it's time for something new
So gimme that
Upgrade, upgrade, upgrade
Gimme that
Upgrade, upgrade, upgrade
Maybe it doesn't matter how
I'm getting the upgrade right now!

Turtle: Jeremy, are you coming?

Qibli: Optic nerve blocking, on

Carnelian: Now, let's get to work

All: Ah, ah, ah...

*Blackout*

*End of Act one*

Hosts:........*screams*

Joy: NO MORE TYPING, YES!

Nightflyer: We're at 7,397 words in case anyone wanted to know.

Seashell: Now we have to do Act 2.

Hosts:.........

Hosts: *starts screaming again*

https://youtu.be/DkkK1U-cz6E

https://youtu.be/YazYbBjf7vo

https://youtu.be/WFwNwk1EX_Y

https://youtu.be/Kfm7MxuURV0

https://youtu.be/OcbB20QBBgY

https://youtu.be/D2fUu9-dUIk

https://youtu.be/qKEJakyGXtQ

https://youtu.be/TRacI0pUHjM

https://youtu.be/9viOcrpJ-KE