N I N E

COLIN IS DYING TO TELL someone—anyone.

Now that he understands the gravity of what she's going through, he can't help but feel bad for how he has thought of her in the past weeks. She must be ashamed, he realizes now, of letting people see how much college has changed her.

She practically begged him not to tell anyone.

But her secret lies heavy in his chest. How can he help her, if he can't let anyone know?

Neither of them say a word on the way back, and he's grateful. He walks ahead of her, but every now and then he'd check their reflection on the shop windows, just to make sure she hasn't fallen too far behind.

Perry and Drew are awake when they get back. A smile makes its way to her face as soon as their friends greet her good morning. He sees the shift more clearly now, the way she perks up around them, but the smile looks misplaced on her face.

The word has not been uttered between them back in the café, but it sneaks into his thoughts. He can't be too sure, but from what he's seen, heard, and known, he can't help but think it: Depression.

He leaves Perry and Drew to fuss over her and stays in his room instead. He pulls up a Google search and finds himself reading more and more about the topic, and with every article he reads, he becomes more and more convinced that Sadie might just be going through something bigger than he'd expected.

The realization leaves him feeling restless.

Sadie needs help—badly, and if he doesn't tell anyone, who's left to help but him?

◇

"Did you wait long?"

Colin looks up from his phone and puts it away, straightening in his seat as Daniel takes the one in front of him. "I just got here, too."

Daniel has always had an easy air around him. He's a relatively likable guy and he's pretty reliable too. When news about him and Sadie dating first broke out, Colin's first thought was that the guy could do better.

Reaching out to him was not an easy decision, but it was the only one that made sense.

If there's anyone who knows College Sadie through and through, it would be Daniel. He can't remember how long they dated, but it had been long enough for it to feel like they've been going out forever.

They chose to meet in the Business Ad Building. It's a Sunday, so there aren't a lot of people around. Even on weekends, students are free to enter and do their schoolwork here. Dormers often do. The WiFi connection tends to be more inconsistent at the campus perimeter, where the dorms are located.

The study hall is empty save for the two of them, making the situation even more uncomfortable than it already is.

The study hall is empty save for the two of them, making the situation even more uncomfortable than it already is.

Colin isn't sure how to start the conversation. He has a feeling that Daniel knows exactly what this is going to be about anyway. Jumping right into it feels like the best course of action.

So he does.

"I have some questions," he says. "About Sadie."

Daniel nods, as if he'd seen this coming. "I had a feeling."

Colin takes a deep breath. For a moment, he doesn't say anything, but eventually, he manages to force the words out.

"Why did you guys break up?"

He winces. It's a tactless question, but it seems to be the safest one.

After all, Sadie had asked him not to tell anyone about her grades. Daniel may or may not already know about them, but it's better to be safe than sorry, so Colin sticks to a topic that might give him a better picture of what Sadie's going through without spilling any of the important details.

If the question surprises him, Daniel doesn't show it. Instead, he nods, keeps his eyes low, and accepts the question like he'd expected it. "I'm not really sure what to say." He pauses. "I don't know how, or when, it started, but things between us have been... different, for some time now. It felt like we were just waiting for one of us to say something."

"Different... how? If you don't mind me asking," he quickly adds the last part.

"I don't know." Daniel shakes his head. "She just seemed... distant. She acted the same way, but I could feel it. The distance."

He was being honest. This much, Colin could see.

"It became suffocating after a while, pretending everything was all right. Before I knew it, we'd grown apart and..."

Daniel trails off, though there was no need for him to continue anyway. A few moments pass before Colin says, "Sorry."

"It's fine." He forces out a smile. "I'm worried about her. I've tried reaching out but she won't say anything." He clasps his hands together, then takes them apart again, lowering his gaze. "Does she talk to you?"

Hearing it now, Colin realizes he should have expected the question. He doesn't though, so it catches him off guard.

"Not really," he says. He can't tell if this is a lie or not.

Daniel's shoulders slump. Keeping his eyes low, he says, "I just wish she'd talk to me."

The words slip out without permission. "I'll keep an eye on her."

Colin does not know where that came from and it's all he can do not to kick himself under the table.

Heaving a breath, Daniel nods. He lifts his eyes, and Colin instantly feels bad for the guy.

"She'll be okay, right?"

Colin does not know what to say to this, but Daniel's expectant gaze forces him to answer.

Only when he says the words does he realize he means them.

"I hope so."

◇

He could be wrong about all this, Colin tells himself.

Maybe it's all just a coincidence. Reading articles online certainly does not make him an expert. 

He wants so badly for him to be wrong, but the signs are there, and they're a little too hard to ignore. And if he's right...

Well.

Sadie will be staying with them for two more weeks, so he has time to watch over her and see if his assumptions are correct or not. He skims over the article again, crossing out a checklist in his head: Loss or change in appetite. Problems with sleeping. Feeling miserable and frustrated. Not getting things done at school. Withdrawing from relationships.

He lets out a breath.

It's weird to be feeling this way, especially over someone he's hated for years. One would think he'd be ecstatic, but seeing her like this gives him no satisfaction at all.

He walks home feeling heavier than he did when he'd left.

He swings by a nearby Korean grocery store on his way back, grabbing a few packs of instant ramyeon, dried seaweed, and kimchi—three things their family's grocer should really add to their shelves. It's a combination he'd quickly fallen in love with.

It's long past lunchtime when he gets back. Both Perry and Drew rejoice when they see what he'd brought home.

Colin shakes his head, frowning. "You haven't had lunch yet, have you?"

"We had chips," Perry replies.

Rolling his eyes, Colin turns the stove on.

Sadie is nowhere in sight, so she must be inside the room. Somehow, he doubts she'd go out on her own, and if Perry and Drew haven't eaten, chances are she probably hasn't either.

Sure enough, he finds her there, curled up on his bed with her phone in her hands. Their eyes meet when he opens the door and she immediately sits up.

"Food's ready," he says.

She doesn't quite look at him. "I'm still full from breakfast."

"It's been hours since we ate."

"You guys go ahead."

"Aw, c'mon, Sade." Drew peers over Colin's shoulder. "You know we won't eat without you."

It takes a while, but this, somehow, does the trick, and Sadie moves to get up, albeit hesitantly.

Colin steps back, leaving the door open, and Drew quickly follows suit. The aroma is nearly irresistible and he's glad to see the small coffee table all set up thanks to Perry. The guy even prepared slices of cheese--the perfect topping for spicy noodles.

They sit on the floor, around the table, and Sadie joins them shortly after.

"Thanks," Sadie says to Drew, who hands her a bowl and a pair of disposable chopsticks. They  never run out of chopsticks as they always ask for extras when they order in, or bring several pairs home when they eat out. "This smells great."

"I made it with love," Perry tells her.

Colin scoffs. "All you did was slice the cheese, you dipshit."

Drew flashes him an annoyingly innocent smile. "Did you make it with love, Colin?"

He flings the crumpled chopstick wrapper at Drew. "No, actually, I spit on it to spite you all."

Somehow, the crumpled paper lands on Drew's head and sticks there, but the guy doesn't even bother to dust it off. "You know I wouldn't mind."

What horrifies Colin is that he can't actually tell if this is a joke or not.

They take turns scooping servings into their respective bowls. Colin notices how little Sadie had taken for herself and almost calls her out for it. To his relief, Drew, sitting next to her, beats him to it, so she ends up taking a little bit more.

It's a good thing his friends are always fussing over Sadie. Colin can't really stand the thought of letting his growing concern for her look obvious, so he's more than happy to let them do all the coaxing.

"You should try the cheese," Perry tells her.

She seems doubtful. Even with Drew nodding his agreement, she doesn't seem convinced. Then again, Drew eats just about anything even remotely edible, so Colin can understand why she wouldn't take his word for it. She peers over at Colin's bowl, and only then does she reach for the cheese.

"Am I supposed to just drop it in? Won't it just... melt?"

"Trust me," Perry replies. "That's exactly what you're going for."

Colin eats in silence for the rest of the meal. Sadie ends up eating more than he'd expected she would; even getting another small serving when Perry offered.

This could work, Colin thinks to himself. If his assumptions turn out to be correct, there's very little he can do to actually, truly give her the help she needs. But if it's things like making sure she won't actually starve herself, that much he can handle, right?

Once they're all done eating (with Drew eating the remaining noodles straight from the pot), a heated game of three-way rock-paper-scissors follows. Loser has to do all the dishes and take out the trash. Colin's exempted, since he bought the food, so they make him the referee by default.

Sadie's smiling, and possibly having fun, as they play round after round. Without meaning to, Colin ends up watching her.

He wonders: Is she just faking this? How much of her laughter is real? How much of it is forced?

Does she know that she's taken over his every thought?

◇◇◇

a / n :

Hi, everyone,

It's been a while, but I come bearing good news: I will start updating this story on a weekly basis starting today. I'll try my best to have a new chapter posted every Friday.

Mental health is a serious topic that needs to be talked about. It's scary for me to write this because I'm afraid I'd mess up and send the wrong message somehow. But the events of this story are very loosely based on my experiences in college. Depression affects people differently, and, as such, people also respond to it differently.

I'm not trying to romanticize it. I'm not trying to say that it can be cured by adorably awkward college boys. I'm not trying to say that this is how depression is for everyone, because it's not. 

I'm only here to write about what I'd felt, seen, and gone through in college.

I'll put trigger warnings at the beginning of potentially triggering chapters, but do know that there will be no instances of physical self-harm throughout the whole book. If I ever write anything that you think might be sending the wrong message about mental health, do let me know.

On another note, I'm having fun writing this. Colin is an idiot but I love him for it. Please don't be too hard on him--he has the emotional maturity of a middle schooler. He can be a little harsh sometimes, but I'd like to think that Sadie has known him long enough to see right through him. Most times, at least. Can't have her seeing through his feelings so easily, right?

Love, always,

Sam