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In Kai's nightmares John was dying. He was screaming in pain and she couldn't get to him. She fought to reach him, but her body was sluggish and wouldn't respond to her commands. He screamed again and she jerked awake, fighting off the last of the stunner.

She groaned as pins and needles ran through her entire body. Her head started to pound and she flopped back against the pillows as memories of Ronon shooting her returned. Well, not her, The Creature had been holding onto her when Ronon stunned it.

"Easy, you took one hell of a shot Little Sister," Ronon's deep rumble came from beside her.

She turned her head, ready with a quip about it being his fault when John's scream came again. It hadn't been a nightmare. It was real. She had never heard him sound like that before. She jerked up and her head swam, but it didn't matter. She stumbled her first step off the bed.

"Easy," Ronon said catching her arm and steadying her.

"Where-?" she started to ask as her heart thudded in her chest. They had been too late. The Creature was killing him.

"He's in the isolation room," Ronon said. "He's been awake a couple of hours. The Doc says the reversal process will be painful."

"Reversal?" Kai repeated as she shook her head in confusion. "So, he's okay," she breathed a sigh of relief and sagged into Ronon, letting him support most of her weight.

Ronon easily held Kai by her arm. "Beckett says he isn't out of the woods yet, but the drug seems to be working."

Kai nodded and sat back on the bed. She winced as pain lacerated her abdomen. Frowning, she lifted her black shirt and grimaced down at the ugly dark purple bruising exactly the size and shape of John's hand.

"Your vest did its job," Ronon said trying not to let his concern show. He had been there when the medical team had to cut the ruined tak vest off of her. Beckett had assured the team Kai would only have some bruising, but they had all been worried. Had he broken the skin the chance of infection was huge.

Kai's releif brought with it a wave of exhaustion she hadn't realized she'd been fighting. She couldn't remember the last time she slept, not really, and being stunned didn't count. Her eyes traveled to the other side of the bed where Rodney was fast asleep in the chair.

She turned to Ronon raising a questioning brow.

"He carried you back. Think he was worried," Ronon said as though he himself hadn't been sitting on her other side. The large Satedan shifted his weight uncomfortably, crossing his arms over his chest.

Kai smiled gently. The scientist may be a little bristly at times, but he truly cared for his friends. "Well I guess I owe him then."

Ronon chuckled. "Don't look at me like that. I carried Sheppard."

Kai nodded. She pressed her lips together and peaked up at Ronon from beneath her eyelashes. "I'd like to see him," she said gravely.

Ronon understood and offered Kai a hand to help her to her feet. She pulled off the monitoring strips and shut down the machines before they could bring the medics running in. They made it almost to the door before Ronon had to wave them off.

"Do me a favor, don't shoot me again," she grumbled as she moved down the hall on unsteady legs. "How long was I out?"

"Almost a full day."

"You'd think I would feel more rested," Kai grumbled as her anxiety rose. A lot could happen in a day.

Ronon led her to the observation area that over looked the isolation room. Once they were through the doors she stepped away from him up to the glass. Weir and Beckett were standing in the corner of the room. They both looked up but didn't say anything as Kai lifted a hand to rest against the cool glass.

John was ten feet below, strapped to a gurney. There were restraints on his wrists, elbows and biceps. She could see the shredded remains of ones he must have broken through still clinging to his wrists. There was a strap across his chest, his thighs and his calves, as well as restraints around his ankles. His lay prone, looking like he was asleep.

There was quiet movement behind her and she recognized the sound of Beckett as he approached. "He just fell back unconscious," he said gently.

"I heard him," Kai said quietly by way of explanation.

Beckett nodded grimly. "I can't say I'm surprised. It's been a bad one. The bastard doesn't want to let him go."

Kai let out a shaky breath. "He can't have him," she growled resolutely.

"Aye," Beckett said with an affectionate smile. "Ya might want to go in and remind the Colonel of that the next time he's awake."

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea," Weir said quickly stepping up near Kai. "Perhaps you should return to the infirmary, get checked out and cleared before moving around so much," she said casting a disapproving look at Beckett.

He cleared his throat but didn't bother to respond. Weir had made it perfectly clear that she wanted Kai under strict observation.

"I've been stunned before, I'm fine," Kai assured Weir, turning back to the window.

"But the bruising-" Elizabeth started to say.

Kai reached down and touched her sore stomach. "I'm fine," she assured them and turned back to the window.

Weir tried several times over the next few hours to convince Kai to go rest or eat. Anything to get the small Mortii to take care of herself, but Kai wouldn't be persuaded. Once Weir finally went to bed, Kai pulled one of the chairs up close to the glass and sat down, drawing her legs up underneath herself.

She knew she wasn't going to be able to stay here, eventually it would raise too many questions. Her concern clearly went beyond that of a friend or colleague, and she wasn't willing to go down that road. It was the middle of the night however, and the only other person moving around was Carson. She didn't feel like she had to hide from Carson.

Eventually Kai fell asleep. She wasn't sure who had done it, but she woke several hours later to find a blanket tucked around her. It was still the middle of the night and no one else was around. She stood and moved close to the glass once more. John was awake, his jaw set and he was staring up at the ceiling as his body seized over and over again. She could feel pressure building against the closed Bond like a tension headache. She didn't know how, but she knew without a doubt John was in incredible amounts of pain.

She turned, opening her mouth to call for Beckett. She didn't know how she would explain, but he needed to do something. Before she could say anything Beckett stepped up next to her. "There's nothing I can do for him," Beckett said grimly, anticipating Kai's question.

Kai turned back to the room, pressing her lips together. John's whole body was rigid as his muscles seized. He spasmed against the restraints and they groaned in protest of his strength.

"Can't you sedate him?" She asked in a low voice.

"I already have. He's fighting it. If I give him any more I'll be risking his life. What he needs is to relax and let the drugs do their job. I sat with him earlier and talking to him seemed to help. Perhaps you'd be willing to give it a go?" Beckett asked hopefully. "I'm beat and frankly could use the break."

Kai closed her eyes and leaned her head against the glass. The small motion caught John's eye and his chin snapped in her direction still inhumanly fast and the telepathic pressure released as though he had suddenly gone away. She frowned, not for the first time, or even the hundredth, wishing she understood more about the connection between them.

"I'll keep him company," she agreed.

Beckett nodded with a small, private smile. "Good, why don't you get yourself cleaned up a bit. I got a few more things to attend to before I can leave him."

Kai left the observation room and returned to her own, catching a quick shower. She changed into fresh clothes and went to John's room. It took some doing but she managed to get the door to open. She remembered seeing him reading a book and hoped it would help keep him calm and her awake. She found it sitting on his nightstand. She tucked it under one arm and moved quickly through the dark hallways back to the isolation room.

Beckett nodded to her encouraging and entered his code to allow her into the Isolation room. John's head snapped towards her as the door hissed open. His face was covered in blue scales and his eyes were still light green and alien, but there was a calmness about him that hadn't been there before.

Kai sat down in the chair. When she looked back at him, John's eyes were locked on her. Kai lifted the heavy book into her lap. "I know you're already on chapter two," she said briskly. "But since I am unfamiliar with the story you'll just have to cope," she chatted, surprising herself when she realized she was nervous. She glanced back over her shoulder towards the observation room. She didn't like the idea of being on display, but she didn't hear anyone moving around the room above them so she shook it off.

She turned her focus back to John. His strange eyes continued to stare at her, unblinking, as though he couldn't look away. The intensity in his slitted green eyes was unnerving. She wondered if it was John or if the instincts of The Creature were still driving him. She ran her hands over the cover of the book and his eyes followed the motion. 

That pressure slowly began building again in the back of her mind. She wasn't wide open to the connection, but she also hadn't completely closed herself off to him. His body tightened once more and his scale covered hands gripped into fists as the pressure slammed into her. She had never felt pain through their connection before. John's pain tolerance was incredible and the amount it would take for her to feel it this way was terrifying. Beckett had said he needed to be relaxed in order to stop fighting the drugs and allow the sedatives to work. 

She cleared her throat and opened the book. "Book One: 1805 Chapter One. Well Prince, so Genoa and Lucca are now just family estates of the Buonapartes. But I warn you, if you don't tell me that this means war..."

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Elizabeth woke up early so she could check on John's progress before she reported to her office. It was half six when she stepped into the observation room. She frowned as she spotted Beckett standing at the glass. Kai's calm, clear voice was echoing through the room.

She looked around quickly and realized Beckett must have turned on the audio feed from the room below. "What's that?" Elizabeth asked frowning.

Beckett glanced towards her and quickly turned down the intercom. "Ah Kai started reading War and Peace last night," Beckett said with a wry grin. "I have't heard it since I was boy. My gran used to read it."

Elizabeth looked down into the isolation room. "He looks better."

"Aye, he's calmer than I've seen him," Beckett said with an exhausted smile.

"The sedatives?" Elizabeth asked curiously as she watched the two below. John was laying on the gurney, his head turned towards Kai. Kai was sitting in one of the uncomfortable chairs, her knees drawn up to her chest with the book balancing on them. There was something oddly peaceful about the scene.

Beckett shook his head. "He has been so calm since I came down early this morning I didn't want to disturb them."

"Does she need a break?" Elizabeth asked.

"Perhaps, but I'm certainly not going to be the one to suggest it."

Weir scowled at Beckett's words. Sheppard's healing process would be a long road and it wouldn't do for them to lay the burden of it all on Kai's shoulders. Now that they knew having someone reading to him soothed him they could all take turns. "Well how far is she in the story?"

"Chapter 28 I believe. I looked back on the footage. She's been in there the whole time. He hasn't had a single outburst since."

Weir frowned down at the two through the glass. She had suspected there was something about Kai that the creature was drawn to, but now she was wondering if she had gotten it all wrong. Perhaps it had nothing to do with the creature at all. Perhaps it was John and Kai who were drawn to one another.

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The process took weeks, just as Doctor Beckett told Kai. She and the others took turns being with him while they could. Kai took the night shifts, enjoying the quiet peace. It took her a couple days, but eventually she figured out that when she felt the pressure through their connection John was in control. When the pressure would release his control would slip and that thing would fight. It was like it knew it was dying and it was trying to take John out with it.  

The back and forth battle lasted through the first week. When she felt the pressure against the connection she would hold his scale covered hand and read to him. When he lost control however, his screaming was so loud it hurt Kai's ears. He screamed until his throat was raw and then he would collapse unconscious his body weak and covered in sweat. Beckett assured her there was no rhyme or reason to it. All they could do was keep him comfortable and encourage John to keep fighting.

One morning two weeks into the process Kai woke up to find John's warm hazel eyes staring back at her. The scales had been slowly receding back down his face, and now only covered the lower part of his jaw. He still hadn't spoken, but when he watched her it at least felt like John now. There hadn't been any telepathic shifts in days and she barely dared to hope that they were over the worst of it.

The door chimed and she stood. Beckett would take over the morning watch while she went to work. She touched his hand. "I'll be back later," she promised as she always did when she left and for the first time he nodded. He made a move like he was going to open his mouth, but he grimaced in pain and closed his eyes.

Kai pressed her lips together as she weighed the risks of dropping the last wall between them telepathically. She was fairly certain that thing was gone, or at least gone enough it was no longer a threat. She was curious and she wanted John to know she was there. She sent a gentle nudge his way and his eyes flashed open. He turned his head towards her and his hazel eyes shone with something that may have been hope. She felt the answering warmth that she knew was John, completely free of malicious darkness she had felt before. 

"It's okay," she promised. She was nearly light headed with relief. He was going to make it. "Just rest." 

Beckett removed the restraints the next day. He insisted it was still safer to keep John in isolation, but he wasn't concerned he would hurt himself or others once Kai explained begrudgingly what she had felt. If Beckett thought any of it was strange he didn't say so, and he had honored his word, and not told anyone about the Bond. 

Two nights later Kai woke to the sound of John's deep voice picking up reading where she left off. When she lifted her head he cast her a weak smile.

"I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed that you made it this far in. I think I missed a few parts," he said with a wry smile. His grimaced slightly and coughed. His throat was dry and talking hurt. Kai was staring at him like she couldn't believe he was there. John's heart thudded out an extra rhythm at the soft look in Kai's eye.

"How are you feeling? She asked leaning towards him. She rested a small hand on the bed near his, but she didn't touch him. She looked exhausted. There were dark circles under her eyes and lines of stress around her mouth.

"Weak," he responded honestly. "Like I've been hit by a truck and then struck by lightning...and starved. Any way to get a decent meal in here?" he asked. She seemed uncomfortable and he wasn't sure what to do to make it better. 

Kai was suddenly uncomfortable sitting here staring straight into John's intense gaze. It had been weeks of fighting and hoping for him to survive and now that he was awake and staring at her she had no idea what to say to him. "I'll get Beckett," she stammered out. She turned towards the door and nearly tripped over her own feet in her haste to get out of the room. 

John frowned at her but nodded. Beckett came in a few moments later, but Kai didn't return.

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It was another two weeks before John saw Kai. She never came back to keep him company even after John was moved to the infirmary. He was assured by Teyla and McKay that the team was doing well and keeping busy. She never mentioned Kai by name but the implication was clear. 

John was sitting in the infirmary for his final check up before he was officially released. The scales were mostly gone aside from the infection site, and his senses had all returned to normal. He had lost a lot of weight and muscle tone over the last month, but his appetite was returning. 

Beckett came in with a handful of papers looking grim.

"Well Doc, am I free to go?" John asked brightly. The truth was he was losing his mind in here. He had tried reading War and Peace by himself, but found it not as interesting without Kai's softly accented voice reading it to him.

"Aye," Beckett agreed, but the Doctor looked anything but sure. "Your insomnia is a little concerning but probably not out of the realm of possibility for someone who has had well..."

"Another consciousness in my body?" John asked. 

"Right," Beckett said nodding sharply. "I've prescribed a sedative that might help with that. Beyond that...your DNA results came back one hundred percent clear. Your blood test is negative for any trace of the retrovirus."

"Well that's great news," John said jumping to his feet exuberant as a kid.

"Just a moment John," Beckett said. "Will you sit down please?" Beckett asked, gripping the chart in his hand tightly. 

"You're freaking me out Doc," John said warily. He made no move to sit back down on the bed. He had been confined to the damn room for weeks now. He was ready to go.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this John...but, we did a full body scan to make sure the retrovirus hadn't disrupted any of your other systems. The amount of drugs that have been flushed through your kidney's has effected those numbers and we're going to continue to monitor that, but..." Beckett drew in a sharp breath and forced himself to say the words. "I'm afraid, there's a very good possibility the conversion has made it so you won't be able to father children. Your DNA may be Wraith and Iratus bug free, but the changes to your physiology, however subtle, are just too great."

John didn't know what to say. He stared hard at the floor as the news went over him. Honestly he had never given kids much thought, not since his divorce with Nancy. Beckett however was acting like he had just delivered a death sentence. 

"Don't beat yourself up too bad Doc, I'm not really the settle down and have kids type anyway," he assured Beckett glibly. He could see how much Carson was blaming himself for this. It had been his retrovirus and in Carson's mind he was responsible for the lasting damage. "Is that it?" he asked arching his brows.

Carson nodded, as guilt tore through him. He could see Sheppard distancing himself from the conversation already. It wasn't something he expected to effect the Colonel today or even tomorrow, but ten years from now who knew where they would all be. The Colonel might just be singing a very different tune. "Yeah that's it. I haven't cleared you for active duty yet. I would like to see you rest for another couple weeks ideally. I've made the concession for you to take your R and R on Atlantis provided you show you can handle it."

"I'll be on my best behavior," John promised with a smirk.

"See that you do," Beckett said half-heartedly as John slipped out of the infirmary. He shook his head and turned back to his work. "Worst patient ever."

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John headed straight for the gym. Since regaining consciousness or awareness he had had a lot of time to lay in bed and think about things. He'd had the opportunity to apologize to everyone he could think of with the exception of one person. Beckett had seemed to think his memories of his conversion would be hazy, but they were just the opposite. Similar to his senses at the time everything was almost painfully sharp. He remembered every second of it with absolute clarity.

He waved his hand in front of the scanner to find Kai and Ronon sparring. Ronon had told him he would be sparring with Kai earlier that morning. He didn't say anything about it, but John thought maybe he wasn't the only one who thought Kai was avoiding him. 

Ronon looked towards the door and Kai landed a hard kick to his right shoulder which she followed up with a complicated spin kick. Ronon caught her ankle on the next one and looked down at it in amusement. She scowled at him and launched herself into the air, aiming her other boot for his head. He dropped down just in time to avoid being hit in the face and the two of them crashed to the mats. Kai rolled to her feet faster, she landed on his chest, a short wooden rod pressed against his throat.

"You got distracted," she complained, keeping her focus one hundred percent glued on Ronon. 

"Guess I did," Ronon agreed gruffly although he didn't sound sorry.

Kai climbed to her feet and offered the large man a hand up.

"Hey buddy," Ronon greeted turning to John.

"Hey, sorry if I-" John started to say uncomfortably. He wasn't sure what he expected, but Kai refusing to even look at him was not it. 

Ronon waved him off. "Good to see you out of the infirmary.'

"Good to be out."

Kai moved over to the bench and wiped the sweat off of her palms onto a towel. She glanced down at her watch. "I should-" she started to say to no one in particular.

"I gotta run," Ronon interrupted her, already heading towards the door. "Gotta meet Teyla for lunch."

The door hissed open and Kai was left standing in front of John uncomfortably. She drew in a breath and opened her mouth and then snapped it shut. She was desperate to flee the awkward room, but as she got a closer look at him she knew she couldn't do that to him. As much as he was trying to hide it John was just as uncomfortable as her. He ran a hand over the back of his neck and shifted his weight. It had been a few weeks since she had seen him, and she hadn't seen him out of bed. He had lost a lot of weight. The casual white button down he was wearing seeming too large for him and she could see how sallow his skin was in the bright lights of the gym. The conversion process had taken a lot out of him and seeing him like this was a sharp reminder of how close she had come to losing him. 

"So..." John said after a few moments. He wasn't sure how to start this. He hadn't expected this weirdness between him and Kai. Things were always so effortless between them. "I-" he started and then he stopped. He moved deeper into the room and picked up the short rods Kai had been fighting with. "These are nice," he said swinging them experimentally.

"Ronon made them for me," Kai said, seizing on a much more comfortable subject.

John nodded. "They simulate your knives nicely I'll bet."

Kai nodded in agreement and shifted the strap on her backpack.

"Look Kai," John finally said turning back to her. "I had a lot of time to lay in that bed and think about things...well, remember things and...I owe you an apology." He said. "Probably more than anyone."

Kai was already shaking her head. "No, you don't John."

"Look I was behaving...well I did a lot of things that were pretty out of character..." he dragged off. He couldn't bring himself to apologize for kissing her. He wasn't sorry about that, just the way it happened. "I don't ever want you to feel-"

"I don't," she said quickly and she slowly lifted her eyes to meet his.

He nodded awkwardly then. "Okay, good. So we're good then?" he hedged hopefully.

"Of course," she replied briskly.

John sighed. "Cause it sort of seemed like you were avoiding me."

"I wasn't avoiding you I was just-"

"Busy?" John supplied helpfully. He didn't want to admit how much her distance had hurt. He remembered all those nights he would come back to himself, unable to speak or move but he could hear her voice. He remembered so clearly the day he had felt her inside his chest. He didn't know exactly what it was that existed between them, but he knew somehow that it was Kai. He also knew that it was gone now. Some time over the last two weeks she had pulled away again, and he didn't know how to get that back. 

"Yes," she pressed her lips together and chewed on the inside of her mouth.

"I also wanted to thank you," he said before he lost his nerve.

"Thank me? Whatever for?"

"After I lost control. I-" John exhaled sharply through his nose. He hated thinking about how close he had come to losing her. It made a protective swell rise in his chest, but he couldn't protect her from himself. "I could have really hurt you. You shouldn't have ever-"

Kai stepped closer to him and laid a gentle hand on his arm. "No John," she said firmly. "The creature was what tried to hurt me. You were every bit a victim as the rest of us."

John snorted and shook his head. "That's not what it feels like."

Kai could see the desolation in his eyes he was trying so hard to hide. The retrovirus had ravaged him body and soul. She wished there was something more she could do to reassure him, to help him put the pieces back together. She had closed off the Bond, refusing to force it on him, but she was so tempted to use it to comfort him now like she had before. The level of intimacy it allowed was almost addictive, but she wouldn't let it control her. 

"Look," John said turning back to Kai. "I gotta say this. I remember everything that thing did, and I did," he sniffed and wiped at his mouth. "I remember when that thing had you pinned in the forest and I remember how-" he stopped then and hung his head shaking it as though he could rid himself of the memories. "I dream about it every night. Beckett says it'll fade eventually but..." He stopped himself and took a deep breath. 

Kai literally watched as John reconstructed his own walls around himself. He closed himself off and pushed himself metaphorically to his feet. She marveled at the strength it took to do that after everything he had been through. 

"Well, I'll let you get back to your day," John said quickly turning to the door to hurry away. He had wanted to make things better, but instead it felt like all he had done was muck things up worse.

"John," Kai called after him.

He turned to her. She was standing in the soft light of the gym and looked so lovely it made something in his chest actually hurt. He didn't want there to be this thing between them. He just wanted things to go back to the way they were.

Kai walked towards him. "You said you remembered everything," she said carefully.

John closed his eyes. She was going to ask him about the kiss. Either he was going to have to explain it to her, or he was going to have to lie and pass it off as the impulses of the creature. He didn't want to do either. "Yeah," he replied and had to clear his throat.

"I told you something right before you went into the cave," Kai looked at the ground as she spoke and he thought maybe she was just as uncomfortable by this thing between them as he was.

John nodded. The image of her standing before him, her eyes flashing with a sort of possessive pride wasn't something he would soon forget. She had stared up at him, her chin lifted as though daring him to defy her with her stormy eyes flashing. John stepped towards Kai then. He shouldn't have, he knew that. This thing between them could never be, he was commanding officer here, and he would never put her in that position. They were both trying to re-establish boundaries and figure out how to go forward from here, but there was something broken between them that needed to be fixed.

John leaned down and pressed his forehead against Kai's. The tightness in his chest loosened when she didn't pull away from him. "You said, it couldn't have me," he said in a husky voice. 

Kai breathed in the scent of John. As soon as the conversion started she thought she would never smell him like this again. Never enjoy the unique blend of citrus and spices. She slowly lifted her hand and placed it over John's heart. She heart it spike in rhythm as her hand lay against the warmth of his chest. She could feel the muscle he had lost. It made her ache for him.

"It still can't," she told him resolutely. She closed her eyes and just stood there in his warmth.

When she felt the tension release from him she stepped back. He opened his eyes and swiped a hand over his face. "Yeah." he agreed.

"What else is wrong?" she asked. When he cast her a look she made a noise in her throat. "I mean besides the obvious."

He shook his head. "I got some bad news today," he confided. "Seems my recovery...well it wasn't without side effects. I didn't think it mattered to me at the time, but...it's just another piece that thing stole from me."

Kai frowned, her mind trailing after his subtle clues. She scooped them up like breadcrumbs and scowled. "It doesn't get to take any more," she said firmly.

John nodded, snorting humorlessly. "I'll try to remember that," he promised.

"Good, have you eaten?" she asked.

John shook his head.

"Do you have plans?" Kai added, thinking that perhaps his first day out of the infirmary would be a busy one.

"I can't begin to tell you how many plans I do not have," John said with a laugh and the two of them walked out of the gym together.

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Well...what did you think?

I hope you enjoyed the update. It might be a few days before I get another one out. I really appreciate your patience and all of your support! You guys are incredible!