I fell down in agony as I came to terms with what was happening.
"Dan the baby's can come today it's to early arrgggghhhh." I screamed in agony as I fell down to the ground. All of a sudden I heard a crash the door was opening. Phil and Emma raced in with bundles of towels in each arm I could feel my body get warmer the pain was unbearable. Tears started pouring down my face and my heart pounded.
"Hello , yes I need a ambulance .... My fiance is giving birth 5 weeks early!!!!!"

Then everything went black. I've said that alot allthough it keeps happening ... But this time it was different I woke up there was blood everywhere I wasn't in hospital I was on the floor like I was before in the kitchen all though there was another sound not my screaming but a baby two babys. Dan was cradling them in his arms while Emma let the paramedics in and Phil was in the living room traumatised by the event. Regaining vision I sat up.
"Dan , what happened?" Tears of happiness trickled down the sides of my face as I reached out for dans hand.
"Nothing sweetie our little children are here now there's nothing to panic about." I fully sat up and leaned against the wall I panted heavily. Dan passed me the baby's as the paramedics entered the room. I cradled them in !y arms in joy. One of the paramedics hastilly pulled them away from me and I stood up.
"Hey ! Whats going on?!" I angrily screamed
"Your children are incredibly weak we need them in the hospital now!"
Without a minuet to spare I dashed into me and Dans room , I grabbed a onsie and cleared my self up. I grabbed Dans hand and we ran towards the ambulance.
"Tell me they will be OK!" I shouted at Dan
"Shh honey calm down" and that was the last I heard of Dan until we was bunged into a ambulance. He sat on the seat next to me and cradled me in his slightly moist arms soothing me as I cried hard.
Eventually we arrived at the hospital me and Dan were ushured into a waiting room outside a intensive newborn care ward or incw for short. Anxious for what could be waiting behind them grey drab doors. After a few tense hours( which was probably minuets but felt like hours ) a sweaty young around 30yo nurse tumbled out of the doors with a wide smile plastered across her face she wiped her long brown hair awy from her face and said
"They're ready to see you now!" My face became engulfed in happiness as I saw my two babys lying in the incubators opposite me.I reached my arm out and wrapped it firmly around dan.
"C..can I hold them?" I nervously asked " please.?"
"Sure " replyed the nurse reaching into the incubators
"Who wants to hold who?" I asked Dan
"Well it would only be appropriate for me to hold Jamie and you hold Ellie?"
"Whatever you want"
Reaching out I held Ellie towards me. Cautiously I stroked her head with my one free hand and i saw her open her eyes and the most beautiful brown haired child opened her eyes to reveal to brown gems staring back at me. After a few blinks she smiled at me she was beautiful. A tear of happiness rolled down my face as I felt dans warm arm snake round my shoulders he planted a delicate kiss on my head as I felt three sets of eyes staring up at me. All of a sudden the doors swang open and phil and Emma came rushing in.
"Hello Howells !" Phil exitedly shouted as he burst through the door one arm around a massive bunch of flowers, several balloons and a gift bag and the other arm swung passionately around Emma's waist.
"Wow ID never thought I'd see the day I saw Phil Lester and Emma blackery together!" Dan exclaimed as I placed Ellie in Dans arms and reached for Phil. I also hugged Emma tight.
"I'm glad to see your all OK !" Phil and Emma said in unison.
"They are a perfect couple aye?" I chuckled to Dan as I held his hand.
Then another nurse stormed through the door and happily explained
"Maddison we will have to do some scans tomorrow on top of everything that we have done today on you therefore we are allowing you and Dan to take up our oun swite room a

that's supposed to be spelt like that it's a large family room we use for when children and one parent have to stay in hospital. It's rarely used but we have made an exception for you. You can have visitors and Dan can stay to!"
"Amazing !" With that we left the cramed room and headed down the corridor. Whipping out the trusty vlogging camera , Dan started explaining the whole situation to his viewers.
"Hey internet" I cameod in a few moments but I was generally exhausted by the days events.

As we stepped into the brightly coloured room I sat on the bed and placed the twins in the cots beside the bed. As soon as I lie on the bed whilst Emma Phil and Dan spoke outside. Zoe and Alfie came bursting in we had a small confosation but as soon as they were about to leave darcy and Louise tumbled through the door and obviously it would have been rude to fall asleep then and there so I sucked it up. A few hours later the nurses came round cleared out the twins and came round with the food trolley me and Dan was left alone in silence with the twins it was bliss. I lied in bed in one of Dans old t-shirts and tucked under the covers. Dan was in the bed next to me.
"Dan pssssttttt it's CCC cold" I whispered
"Ha ha I think I can sort that out for you then" he noisly jumped out of his bed and tumbeld into the small noisy bed . struggling I pulled up the covers and he slid his cold legs in beside me. I kicked his foot gently with my leg and he pulled me closer. I wrapped my dainty pale legs around his. He planted thousands of beautiful kisses along my neck and back
"I love you baby our family is perfect"
"I love you too" and like that I found my self asleep in my husband's (future) arms.

After a few hours we was awoken abruptly by a single baby crying the feeling fulfilled me with love.
"Morning Dan" I sleepily groaned looking around he disappeared until I realised he already was running after the kids.
"Aww!" I sighed as he picked up Ellie I grabbed my Polaroid and took another snap
"Gad I must be running out of paper I literally too a million pictures yesterday."
"Wait shhhhh!" Dan sounded concerned therefore I hopped out of bed and saw gloom and panic rage across his face
"Honey whats wrong?" I asked but as soon as I approached Ellie in his arms I saw a life less child
In his arms. Instinctively I ran to the hall and screamed for a nurse, tears flew down my face as they desperately tried to ressusitate my child. I grabbed Dan as the nurse told us what we already knew. I couldn't believe my ears. Ellie was dead.... We only just signed the birth certificate now we have to sign a death certificate. I buried my thick curly brown hair in Dans chest I didn't care I wanted my baby back. Snot poured out of my noise and stained his shirts along with tears.
"We worked so hard for this" I cried my stomach hurt because I'd cried so much. Soon enough my grief turned to anger and I started violently punching Dan in the stomach.
"Why...why...why!" I screamed
Clearly also distressed Dan picked me up and threw me onto the bed.
"WOULD YOU SHUT UP Fucking hell .... I'm upset it OK to be upset but there's nothing we can do about it.!" Annoyed I jumped out of bed and started throwing things around. Dan was pissed off by now so he picked me up once again and pinned me down to the bed he held down my arms and was on all fours ontop of me.
"Now you listen here ... I've delt with this too many times before it can result in some really horrible stuff Maddy and I don't want that for you .... I don't want that for us." I gradually stopped struggling and collapsed into a pool of tears. Dan suttley took his place beneath the quilt and pulled me close to him.
"It hurts Dan , it really hurts." I cried
"I know it does but you've got me haven't you?"
"Yeah"
Dan grabbed my waist and buried his face in my neck. He started crying too.
That day taught me something love isn't all you need in the world the only thing that will help you through any tough day is someone that cares enough to help you through it.

And before you say the only thing that helps is a blade that cuts your skin... it's not...i know.

"Dan?" I whispered "I'm so sorry"
"Why are you sorry you are greiving" Dan reasurringly stroked my hair and planted a delicate kiss on my fore head. I felt millions of tears roll down my cheeks and landed on his chest I wrapped my arm around his neck and bought him closer to me and stoked his hair.
"Dan ...?" I cried
"Yes" he sniffed
"Never leave me again"
"Till the day I die"
I was grieving from the loss of my child, and the knowing that the morning after I would have to sign the death certificate of my child hours after signing the birth certificate. I wanted to be with my children I needed them both.
Next morning (trigger warning)

I wasn't sure how I was going to cope with the events of yesterday, picking up a single Polaroid photo of the twins together as sleep holding each other a single tear rolled down my face and onto the photo. I instinctively remembered something I used to do to help me out of my depression... All I needed was something sharp enough to draw blood. I quietly crept out of bed trying not to wake dan as he slept blissfully unaware of my nightmare I was living. Rummaging through the bag Phil dropped off last night I noticed a mirror but it was plastic that would never draw enough blood. Then in the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of a small smashed China bowl that I threw at Dan last night amounts my rage and anger. Perfect. Creeping across the cold plastic floor I reached down for a peice of China and headed over to the bathroom in the corner of the room. I opened the door and didn't turn back I held the small white object in my plan and squeezed it with pure anger , I began to breathe deeply and felt myself crying.
You can do this Maddy come on just like you did it before one long straight line across your wrist. I pulled my arm closer to the blade and drew a line across my wrist and again and again .... By now I lost so much blood I began to get weak in the legs .... One more line....
"STOP!" It was Dan he had woken up and been looking for me I dropped the blade in the sink and pulled my sleeve down to cover the bloody wounds.
"If you was gonna cry come hug me !" He continued
"I'm sorry." I nervously teared up delicately trying not to touch him with my bloody wrist. Dan must have seen the sink because I heard his heart stop and he turned his head to me in utter disbelief.
"Maddy tell me truthfully .... (Gulp) .... Have you been self harming.?" I pulled away avoiding any eye contact and without saying a word and lifted up my sleeve. Taking a glance to his face I could see tears slide down his cheeks. He pulled me inwards.
"Why ? How long ? Why?" I left with no reply
"TELL ME WHY YOU GOD DAMN BITCH!" Dan was begging to become enraged...
I ran off into the other bathroom and picked up all of my polaroids.
I immediately went to the one of all of us me with Ellie him with Jamie smiling so happy. I felt a warm arm wrap around my shoulders.
"Hey I'm ... Sorry ....  You dont need to tell me anything."
Dan sobbed into my ear
" it started today.." I took a breath " last night we fell asleep I woke up and sat there wondering how why this is all happening to me... I crept out of bed and finally built the courage how to fix it was to self harm.... I'm so so so..." Dan inturuppeted my sorrows with a delicate kiss on the lips
"Maddy you can always talk to me..." Dan pulled me in and rested his chin on my head. I sobbed deeply into my knees.
"I better get dressed then..." I stood up
"I think we should go home today " Dan grabbed my wrist.
I was so happy to hear him say them words my heart melted as I saw his beautiful brown eyes.
"Sure." I wiped the tears from my face and picked up a jumper and joggers from the bag and took them into the toilet. I stared at the blade and blood in the sink and threw my fist at it as hard as possible. The tiny shards of China sank into the drain and a smile crept across my face. I threw on my black hoodie and some black joggers and pulled my Polaroid out of my pocket. I positioned it perfectly in the mirror and called for Dan . he bought Jamie in his arms and as the photo sliped from the bottom I saw it and held it close to my heart. I looked up at Dan and he bought me close I planted a delicate kiss on his head and stroked jamies small head.

A few hours later all of us had packed our bags and were heading home. We had visited Ellie and planned her funeral. It would be four weeks before our wedding. THE WEDDING. Me and Dan hadn't even agreed on the venue yet there was places on standby but we hadn't agreed yet. It was either a classy large hall created in the 1800 or a local hall that was small but we didn't need anything extravagant  we had eachother. That's all I needed.

That night I fed Jamie some of his food then we headed straight to bed. Handy man Phil and Emma had set up the cot for Jamie they already new about Ellie there fore they didn't set up the other one.

It was begging to get dark outside Dan face looked stunning lit up by the artificial yellow Street lights on the cold spring streets of London.

"Dan , when are we gonna plan the wedding?"
I nervously whispered turning to face him in bed.
"Oh shit ! Hahahaha how about now!" I began to hear the excitement in his face and immediately grabbed our laptops from the counter.
"How about we go down to the gaming room?" Dan asked
"Sure I'll put Jamie in his car seat and add some pillows so he can stay down there with us!" I suggested
"Genius!" I packed Jamie into his car seat and headed down to the gaming room.
I pulled out a large wad of paper and started drawing up our wedding outfits. We eventually after hours decided on a white wedding dress for me with beautiful seams around the waist fairly short so it could show case my matching gemmed white vans. Dan was going to have a matching outfit with Jamie who was going to be the ring bearer and phil was his only best man. Emma was going to wear a teal maxi dress with a diamond at the belt it was going to be perfect. All of the YOUTUBERs were invited our immediate family and friends too.  We even had planned out the seating arrangements. It was going to be perfect. I lifted up my phone to check the time we had planned everything and paid to all we needed to do was to pick everything up in the morning. As I looked at my phone screen I immediately showed dan the time it was 5:45 but never the less we carried on Working making videos editing ect ect until I eventually fell asleep on Dans chest on the sofa bed. I was so happy . of course it still hurt form the grieving but I felt warm from everything that had just happened . it was pure bliss .