HELLO I AM BACK! HAPPY RAMADAN BABES!

I'm back with a pretty sad chapter but at least there's some narry to make up for it (might be a lil too much).

Also pls excuse any errors, I was falling asleep updating this.

WARNING: Triggering content such as suicidal thoughts. Read at your own risk.

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I hope you can see, the shape that I'm in

While he's touching your skin

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≫ A few days later ≫

"What's this one called?"

   "Meet Me In The Hallway."

  Niall nodded shortly as a response, folding his legs as he sat on Harry's bed and watched him grab his guitar. He was devastated when Harry told him how the breakup went, and couldn't help but feel slight resentment towards Adriana for hurting his bestfriend. He really wanted to believe Adriana didn't cheat, which was why he was pushing Harry to get an explanation from her. But he was gravely mistaken.

   "You don't have to play it if you don't want to," Niall spoke up as Harry flipped through the pages of his journal, trying to find the song he had just finished writing.

   "No I want to," Harry insisted quietly, making Niall nod again and press his lips together. This was the most Harry has spoken since he told Niall about the breakup, he was just glad that Harry has a good way to help him cope with the pain.

Meet me in the hallway

Meet me in the hallway

I just left your bedroom

Give me some morphine

Is there any more to do?

  Harry folded his legs with his guitar in hand; neck craning as he tuned the guitar a bit, unruly curls falling over his forehead. He then began playing, his soulful voice filling up the room as he sang his heart out emotionally. Niall noticed that he already knew the words by heart, and he was gazing into space thinking of her. He could see the pain in his eyes, in his face and hear it in his voice. It was prominent, and enough to break anyone else's heart just by the sound of his voice singing this song. Harry could feel the tears stinging his eyes and heart tightening in his chest as he remembered crying in the hallway of her apartment when he left her, telling her he wanted to be alone. He remembered crying again in the hallway after he saw her with him.

Just let me know, I'll be at the door, at the door

Hoping you'll come around

Just let me know I'll be on the floor, on the floor

  Harry's desolate green eyes fluttered shut at this part, heart crying out to him and asking him why he was torturing himself by singing this song and reminding himself of what had happened. He had wanted to sing this song to somebody to let his emotions out since he had been bottling a lot of it up. Niall was his dearest friend, and was thus the only person he wanted to do that in front of. Niall couldn't take watching his bestfriend be in so much pain, and not be able to do anything about it. As he listened to the lyrics, he felt himself tear up a little because it was so sad how much hope Harry had for his relationship with Adriana.

   "And...maybe we'll work it out," Harry sang the last line of the chorus; voice ultimately breaking with emotion before he stopped completely because he just couldn't go on.

   "Oh Peach," Niall sighed heavily as Harry just sat there with a sad expression on his face, filled mostly with confusion and pain. He was still confused about everything.

   "I don't want to cry anymore," Harry whispered sadly, even though the tears were already slipping out a little. "I just want to feel alive and happy again."

   "Harry, it's alright to cry because it's only been a few days," Niall told him, reaching out to touch shoulder. "And you will feel like that again, I promise you, you will. This pain is only temporary."

   "But I wanna feel like that again, with her," Harry pulled his teary gaze up to look at Niall. "I-I know it seems like she never made me feel that way, like-like I was always just angry and sad with her. B-But she did make me happy, Niall. She did!"

   "I believe you, Harry," Niall mumbled with pitiful eyes. Harry zoned out after speaking, staring into space with sad eyes while Niall pondered on what to say next. "Let's do something fun?"

   "Like what?" Harry muttered with pouted lips, not really liking the idea of having 'fun'.

   "Your mother's birthday bash is tonight. Let's go shopping!" Niall exclaimed with a bright smile, but Harry didn't return it.

   "I already have a suit," Harry responded before his face fell.

   "What?" Niall questioned noticing the change in his expression.

   "My mother wants me to perform tonight," Harry groaned lightly under his breath. 

   "You could say no if you don't want to do it," Niall suggested quietly, making Harry scowl.

   "Wow thanks Niall I didn't think of that," he responded bitterly, making Niall frown a little at the uncharacteristic use of sarcasm. 

   "Okay," Niall mumbled with furrowed brows. "I-I'm just trying to help."

  Harry didn't respond, making Niall press his lips together in worry. He was worried this break up was going to change him. He was worried that Harry was tired and done with being sensitive while caring and loving too much. He was broken, but Niall was determined to help fix him. As if it were that easy. Harry eventually agreed to go shopping with Niall, to help Niall find something to wear for tonight.

  Niall already had a few suits in mind that were laid out at home, but he just wanted to get Harry out of the house because ever since he caught Adriana cheating, he had barely even left his room. He'd either be in his room or in his music room, writing sad, love songs. They hung around at the Gucci store, but Niall could see how his attempt to cheer him up was failing as Harry left the store with nothing in hand when usually he always leaves the Gucci store having purchased something.

   "I think I'm gonna head home, Niall," Harry sighed heavily, putting back a crystal embroidered bomber jacket he was slightly interested in. "I have rehearsal with the band."

  He thought he was speaking to Niall as he put the jacket back, but Niall had wandered off to someplace else in the store. When he turned around, his eyes met a pair of familiar brown eyes.

   "Hey Harry."

   "Zayn," Harry uttered in slight surprise, trying his best to smile but Zayn noticed how it didn't reach his eyes. "Hi, how-how are you?"

   "I'm alright," Zayn flashed a kind smile, although inwardly frowning at how Harry's eyes were a dulled out green rather than the usual bright forest green. It was like his excessive crying turned his eyes dulled and now they were washed out. "How are you doing?"

   "Would you believe me if I said I'm fine?" Harry arched a brow, knowing that Zayn could tell he's not doing so well.

   "Probably not," Zayn mumbled with a side simile. "Seriously though, how are you? You don't look so good."

   "I...broke up with my girlfriend," Harry told him quietly, making his brows lower in sympathy. "Well...ex-girlfriend."

   "Oh shit, I'm s-"

   "Don't," Harry shook his head, making Zayn's face contort with pity. "I'll get over it."

   "Hey Peach! Check out these shoes-" A loud Irish voice interrupted any chances of Zayn speaking. Niall's eyes landed on Zayn and caused him to halt his words, eyes widening a little. "Oh hi Zen."

   "Nice to see you again, Neil," Zayn rolled his eyes at the petty blond, before his phone started ringing. He pulled it out of his pocket and looked up and said "I gotta go guys." He then smiled at Niall before looking at Harry, hand reaching out to touch his arm in comfort before speaking. "Take care, H."

  Niall watched how Zayn silently let Harry know that he was there for him if needed. Harry gazed at Zayn quietly as he left the store before; he looked at Niall and told him he wanted to leave. The rest of the day went by pretty quickly after that, Harry returned home to practice with his band. He was going to sing Sign Of The Times and a large part of him felt like he didn't have the confidence to do so. As he was rehearsing he was remembering all the times Adriana would sit and listen to him sing and play the piano In the music room. He reminisced to the night they were dancing around in their underwear like a couple of teenagers, belting out the lyrics to Eye of the Tiger and ended up in the music room where he played the first verse of Sign of the Times and she danced for him.

   "Harry?"

  Harry shook himself out of his thoughts and was brought back to reality when his mother spoke to him. It was an hour or so until he was to perform and he was slightly nervous, but just assumed that it was just excitement because he loved performing. He looked at his mother, flashing a tight-lipped smile while she parted her lips to speak with a frown.

   "You look so handsome, love," Anne smiled at him warmly, kissing his cheek. "Thank god you chose to wore all black instead of those tacky, glittery suits you usually wear."

  Harry swallowed thickly at her words, nodding while pressing his lips together before excusing himself. His parents were secretly happy when they found out about the break up, happy and not surprised that Harry made another mistake with his love life again. His mother didn't hold back with the "I told you so" and "I knew she was bad for you the moment she walked into this house" scolding.

  It only made Harry feel worse and manipulated him into believing that he truly made a mistake being with her. He tried to avoid talking to a lot of people because he didn't feel like it, he just wanted to sing already. Everyone was too happy and cheerful, and he wanted to be like that but it was too hard. He just kept thinking about how he brought Adriana to Gemma's birthday bash, how he was beaming because he had the most beautiful, loveliest woman by his side. Now here he was: alone.

   "Harold! I have someone you'd like to meet," he heard his mother calling him again, making him groan lightly under his breath. He looked around for Niall, hoping he'd save him but Niall was busy flirting with a girl with fiery, auburn hair. Harry recalled her name was Jelena, and Niall had his eyes on her for some time.

   "Mum, I have to get ready for the performance," he tried to make an excuse but her manicured fingers were already digging into his bicep as she dragged him off.

   "Do you remember the Brown family?" his mother questioned him, making him frown deeply.

   "No I don't remember who-"

   "We were good friends a while back when you and Gemma were very young, we lost contact for some time but I managed to get ahold of the mother, Amy," Anne explained excitedly, and Harry's frown still remained. "You used to bond really well with their daughter."

    "Oh no," Harry shook his head, realizing what his mother was trying to do. "Mother, I'm not ready-"

   "Ready for what? You're simply going to meet her," Anne dismissed his protests, and threw on a dazzling smile when they finally approached the family. "Amy, Scott, meet Harry."

   "Hi Mr. and Mrs. Brown," Harry said politely with a smile, before they conversed for a bit and then introduced their daughter.

   "Do you remember Olivia?"

   "Somewhat yeah," Harry lied, lips forcefully pulling into a grin as he smiled at the beautiful redhead. "Hi."

  While they conversed, Harry could see why his mother was trying to set him up with her. She was gorgeous, with her long crimson hair curled to perfection, pretty brown eyes and plump pink lips. Her smile was dazzling, but the light wasn't enough to draw Harry out of the darkness he was in. She was sweet and nice to talk to, but Harry couldn't care less. He saw that this was his future, his parents trying to find women for him to date, women whom they'd think are good for him. He wondered to himself for once that maybe they were right and he should just go along with it. Maybe they were right, that he kept making wrong choices with the people he dated. He was always drawn to the wrong people, except for Zayn.

  But for now, he was adamant on being left alone. It was too soon to start thinking about anyone else.

   "Excuse me, but I need to go prepare for my performance," Harry politely excused himself, before running into Niall and the rest of the boys.

   "It's only been a few days and you're already ready to mingle?" Liam teased, eyeing Olivia from the distance, making Harry scoff and roll his eyes. "C'mon don't disappear off, tell us more about her."

   "I literally don't care, Liam," Harry spoke in slight annoyance, green eyes narrowed at his friend. "I don't get why you people can't just leave me the fuck alone."

   "Wow that Ariana girl really has changed you," Louis commented with a frown, making Niall clear his throat and step in before Harry was going to get all riled up.

   "Quit it you assholes," Niall snapped lightly. "That isn't funny."

   "Right, right, we're sorry Harry baby boy," Liam apologized, heading over to him and swinging his arm over his shoulders and gently hauling him to his side. "You know we love and support you in every way. But I hate to say I told you so."

   "You told me what?" Harry frowned deeply.

   "We all warned you about her but you didn't listen-"

   "Liam, stop he's heard enough of that," Niall smacked his arm lightly, face contorting in irritation because Liam just didn't know when to shut up. "Harry just-"

   "Could you guys just do me a favor and leave me alone for the rest of the night?" Harry questioned as he pushed Liam away. "Thanks."

  Harry walked away from the three, to head towards the stage that was set up in the humongous garden around the back. Niall sighed heavily turning to look at Liam and Louis who had guilty looks on their faces. Niall didn't have the energy to lecture them again on being supportive for Harry; there wasn't any time anyways. It was time for dinner and Harry's performance. Niall was slightly worried Harry was going to get emotional while performing, he knew this night was reminding him a lot of Gemma's birthday bash when he brought Adriana to it.

   "Hello everyone," Harry tried to be as cheerful as possible while speaking in to the microphone, pushing his lips into a lopsided grin as he pushed his hair back. "This first song's called Ever Since New York."

  This was one song Harry hadn't shown Niall or anyone else for that matter. It came from the heart and truly described how emotional and disconnected he felt after the breakup. His head bobbed up and down as he strummed the guitar, finding peace in the folk-style music. He had actually written parts of the song during his relationship with Adriana, during times he felt like he was losing hope and the thought of them breaking up was very much real. Even though he was staring out at the crowd emotionlessly, his mind was racing with thoughts of her. It was slowly making him emotional and tears were filing his eyes up a little.

Brooklyn saw me, empty at the news

There's no water inside this swimming pool

Almost over, had enough from you

  He felt the frustration that was present in the lyrics back when he first wrote them, out of anger and irritation of how many times he'd find out she had done cocaine behind his back and the amount of times he felt like he had had enough. When he was done with the song, he was relieved that he didn't end up full on crying. He smiled gratefully as the applause rolled over him like a tsunami wave. He thought performing would help him feel better but it didn't, he figured it was because he was after all singing about her. He gazed at the crowd and for a moment he saw her, sitting there next to his sister in that floor-length emerald dress she wore to his sister's birthday, gazing at him with pride in her dark eyes and a smile dancing on her lips. But then he blinked, and she wasn't there.

  He moved on to sing Sign of the Times; completely underestimating the flood of emotions and memories that suddenly hit him as soon as the piano started playing. He was starting to see how his lyrics were relating to him more now as he gripped the microphone with both hands and sang his heart out. He didn't want people to see his theory eyes so he shut them, feeling the water slip past the gaps anyways. His voice was cracking as he sang and he felt like his heart was combusting in his chest. It was becoming increasingly hard for him to sing, and he felt like he was going to break down but he kept going. When he reached the bridge of the song, he mustered up every bit of courage and strength he had and belted out the lyrics.

We don't talk enough, we should open up

Before it's all too much

  He hated how true the lyrics were. How maybe if they communicated more, Adriana wouldn't have cheated. How if she had revealed all her true colors, perhaps they wouldn't be broken up now. He would've been able to help her better. Now his mind is always filled up with 'what if's as he always thought about what he could've done to stop her from resorting to cheating. Despite Niall's wise words about how it wasn't his fault, he blamed himself anyways. In his mind, he never should've left that night because if he didn't, maybe they would still be together.

  The emotion was heavy in his voice; it caused him to suffocate all of a sudden. His eyes were filled to the brim with tears and were spilling like a cup overfilled with water. The music continued playing, and people in the crowd were noticing that he had stopped singing. He turned to look at Mitch, who was frowning at him in concern, and he suddenly felt embarrassed and tried to keep singing. But he just couldn't. Instead of the lyrics of the outro, a sob escaped his lips and his head dropped and hung low, face contorting in pain. He pulled his hands up to his face and wiped his cheeks messily, muttering a 'sorry' in embarrassment and rushing off the stage. He ran into the mansion, desperately looking for a bathroom to lock himself in.

   "This is humiliating," Anne muttered quietly to her husband, as Niall caught her words and frowned deeply. He wanted to snap at her, but held himself back from doing so and got up from his seat to go look for Harry.

  Harry found the guest bathroom and shut the door behind him once he entered it. His back pushed against the door and he slid down till his bum hit the floor, another sob escaping his lips. His heart was overflowing with emotions. He felt utter embarrassment for crying like that and breaking down in front of all his of his family and friends. He felt stupid and weak for doing so, and just a big, sensitive crybaby. He wasn't ready for all the taunts and scoldings he was going to get, and a part of him didn't care because he was already hurting so it wasn't going to make much of a difference.

    "Harry?" He heard Niall calling out his name outside the bathroom, making him sniffle and yell back.

   "Leave me alone, Niall!"

   "C'mon Peach, let me take you home at least," Niall spoke gently through the door.

  Harry stood up once hearing his words, wanting nothing more than to go home and crawl into his bed and sleep. He opened the bathroom door, looking at his bestfriend with a broken expression. Niall sighed heavily and reached out to hug him, knowing that his peach needed one desperately. Harry sniffled as his cheeks grew wet again, wrapping his arms around Niall and resting his chin on his shoulder.

   "I-I'm sorry," Harry whimpered quietly. "F-For crying-"

   "Shh don't be sorry at all," Niall told him quietly, pulling back and gripping his shoulders. "You're gonna be alright, okay? And I'm here for you."

   "Can you stay over tonight?" Harry questioned awkwardly, making Niall nod in response. "You're so good to me, Niall."

   "Of course I am, who else is gonna take care of my peach if not me? You bruise too easily," Niall teased a little, making Harry smile but it was still a little broken.

   "C'mon let's go."

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   "Adriana!"

  A soft groan escaped from the sleeping girl's lips, stiff, sore body shifting under the sheets and blankets while dark eyes fluttered open. Adriana was napping after a very long tiring night. They had just gotten back from their trip to Orlando for Mateo's birthday. They left the day after she broke up with Harry, and it was extremely hard for her to put on a façade and pretend she was happy and a in a good mood for her son, when she was hurting terribly on the inside.

  But seeing her son at his happy place in Disneyland, so full of joy and excitement gave her strength to endure the pain. She was grateful to get a few days where didn't force himself upon her since they were all in the same room, but as soon as they got back to New York and Mateo was asleep it was back to reality.

   "What?" Adriana called out tiredly, grimacing at the pain in her lower body, which was practically permanent now.

   "Get me my wallet from my backpack," Dean responded loudly from the living room, making her groan in annoyance. But she knew he'd come in here and hurt her for disobeying, and she didn't have the energy to argue and fight him anymore so she did as he asked.

  As she crawled out of bed, she got flashbacks to the fight before. The crushing weight of his heavy body suffocating her. His thickness stretching her out and pushing in and out. She remembered the way the pain was too much to a point she disconnected herself from her own body. Now, it always felt like she was watching it happen to her instead of experiencing it. She was experiencing feelings of dissociation and it was scaring her. She was experiencing too many things all at once and was forced to bottle it all in and throw on a façade for her son, it was getting hard to concentrate on finding a way to escape from Dean. It was all becoming too much for her and she wasn't sure of how much longer she could hold on.

  She headed towards his backpack, kneeling on the ground and rummaging through it. Her heart rate picked up when her fingers brushed cold metal, slowly wrapping around the lethal weapon and pulling it out of the bag. Her dead eyes examined the gun, ears full of whispers from the demons. Her hands turned it around as she looked to see if it was loaded, and it was. She felt this odd sense of power in her hands, just by holding the gun. She felt like the power gave her a sense of opportunity, an answer to her problems. Even though this kind of answer should never even be considered as an option. Suicide should never be an option.

   But Adriana just couldn't stop thinking about how she was literally disconnected from her body because it didn't belong to her anymore. She thought about how the man she loved so deeply probably hated her and thinks she cheated on him. She thought about how her mind won't rest until her blood was intoxicated with cocaine. Without knowing, her finger curled around the trigger and her hands twisted the gun for it to point towards herself.

Do it

Do it

Do it

Do it

   "Adriana! Hurry the fuck up!"

  Dean's loud yelling snapped Adriana out of the mood she was in, causing her to flinch. Her eyes widened all of a sudden when she noticed the gun she was holding and it pointing towards her head. She shoved the gun back into the backpack and reached inside again to find the Dean's wallet. Once she found it, she took it and headed to the living room to hand it to him. Her mind was in shambles, disappointed mostly because she let herself travel down that path of suicidal thoughts again.

  She was just worried that one day she'll get too carried away and end up doing something utterly irrational and dangerous that will end up getting her killed.

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∙ lmAo that chapter and ending was kinda lame but ANYWAYS what do you think?

∙ I'm excited to be back like FINALLY I can properly concentrate on finishing off this book. We're more than half way through and it's gonna get intense (':

∙ also if any of you guys like this book enough to nominate it for an award, please do so for The Fiction Awards 2018 by thefictionawards it would mean the world to me (:

∙ lastly I apologize if that scene with Adriana and the gun was triggering for anyone ): if you or anyone you know is struggling please let them know that you're there for them or I'm here for you because it's incredible important for everyone to have someone who loves and supports them endlessly.

Until we meet again....

thiora ❤️