I AM BACK sorta

It's been hard to get back to my usual standard of writing so please bear with me if this chapter is a lil shitty. It's more of a transition chapter anyways.

But anyways better than nothing right?
Hope y'all enjoy x

WARNING: mature content consisting of rape

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Color crimson in my eyes

One or two could free my mind

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   "How you holding up?"

   "Not so great...I couldn't sleep last night."

  A yawn interrupted the sentence that came out of Adriana's mouth,  emphasizing her words. It was 10 in the morning when Donny came over to see Adriana. He still hadn't seen Harry, but from talking to Adriana about how he was doing Donnie had a good idea of what was going on. Harry was tossing and turning all night, unable to sleep, falling asleep but only to be woken up later by nightmares of the tragic incident that had occurred the night before. Harry was going through hell and Adriana found it difficult to help him because she too was going through her own personal hell, struggling with the rape trauma that still clung to her as well as her cocaine cravings.

   "I'd be trying to calm Harry down and in order to do that I'd have to touch him," Adriana began explaining, interlocking her fingers over her lap. "But every time I touch him I just feel cold all over. I'd flinch and immediately feel like his hands are on me again. I-It's just been so awful."

   "Fuck, I'm sorry Adriana," Donnie said sympathetically. "Is there anyone else who can help Harry? Actually no, you shouldn't tell anyone else about what happened-"

   "Shit, I already told one of his friends," Adriana gulped with wide eyes, making Donnie sigh heavily. "He won't tell the cops or anything I made him promise, he's a good guy. He knew about everything that was going on between Dean, Harry and I. He's Harry's bestfriend."

   "Alright alright I trust you," Donnie nodded in response. "So this bestfriend, maybe he can help Harry get through this so you can focus on yourself as well."

   "Yeah I need to call him up. I think he blames me for all of this," Adriana murmured lowly, making Donnie frown.

   "For what?"

   "For doing this to Harry," she sighed. "It's my fault he's suffering like this now."

   "Adriana, I know you think that-"

   "I think it and I believe it, Donnie," she responded firmly. "I've been making him suffer ever since he met me."

   "You need to stop being so hard on yourself one day," Donnie shook his head lightly. "Anyways, so sorry to change the subject, but I need to just update you on what's happening now with the business that Dean's gone."

   "Oh right. What's happening?"

   "Well Dean actually had a will prepared just recently, I think after he started living with you and Mateo again," Donnie brought up, making Adriana frown deeply. "I think he always knew there was the possibility of him getting assassinated or something so he wanted to make sure you and Mateo were settled financially after his death."

   "So he left us money?" Adriana arched a brow at him.

   "Precisely. A lot of it to be honest, enough to fund Mateo for preschool, school, university, and probably more," Donnie shrugged, making Adriana's eyes widen. "He cared for the kid I guess."

   "Cared?" Adriana scoffed quietly, making Donnie gulp quietly.

   "Call it what you want," he shrugged lightly. "It would be wise to save it and use it in the future." Donnie wanted to add 'perhaps use it for rehab'.

   "Drug money? Wouldn't I get caught somehow?" she eyes widened in an obvious manner.

   "Yes drug money, but you underestimate how much control Dean has over this city. He's practically a pro at money-laundering," Donnie muttered with a shrug.

   "I dunno, doesn't feel right to use dirty money," she mumbled in response, making Donnie shoot her a deadpanned look.

   "You're one to talk about doing the right thing," Donnie snorted. "You do cocaine, as if that's legal." Adriana shot him a warning look and he shut his mouth. "Sorry, but truly, think about it. Unless you plan on borrowing from Harry-"

   "I'll think about it," Adriana interrupted him in response, reminding herself that Mateo was going to start preschool soon enough.

   "Let me know whenever I guess," Donnie said to her. "How's the kid holding up?"

   "Mateo? I haven't told him yet," Adriana mumbled, hating that Donnie reminded her of that. "I have absolutely no idea how to break the news to him. I think I'll have to lie to him about how Dean died."

   "I think that's best, you don't want him hating Harry right now," Donnie responded with a nod. "You'd have to tell Mateo later though, when he's grown up."

   "Fucking hell," Adriana sighed heavily, dreading that moment she'd have to explain to Mateo when he's grown up what a terrible man his father was. "The poor baby was asking where Dean was when we were in the car."

   "Oh no," Donnie's face contorted with sympathy. "What did you tell him?"

   "I told him he got another flight after the one he missed and left," Adriana told him. "He's probably gonna ask when'll Dean come back."

   "Maybe just tell him not for a while and then break the news to him that he passed away in a car crash or something," Donnie suggested. "Shit this is so horrible to talk about."

   "Yeah it's gonna break his heart," Adriana mumbled. "As much as I hate to admit it, Mateo cared for his father. Not sure if he loved him, but he was beginning to."

  Donnie's dark brown eyes were clouded with sympathy for Adriana and her family, hand reaching out to touch hers in comfort while his lips tugged into a tight-lipped grimace. Adriana lifted her tired gaze to meet his. He could see the pain swimming in her dusky brown eyes, still dark as ever. He wondered briefly to himself if they'll ever clear up, if they'll ever see the light. He squeezed her hand at the thought and parted his lips to speak.

   "He's gone now, Adriana. It's going to get better."

∙ ❧ ∙

   "Harry, mate. It's me, Niall."

  A pair of crystal blue eyes searched for a pair of lifeless green ones, finding them eventually when Harry forced himself to look at his best friend. Harry knew that Niall knew what had happened, and it pained his heart to look at his best friend, gazing at him in pity so Harry looked away quickly. Niall's heart ached in his chest at the sight of Harry's face, there was a dark bruise grazing his right cheekbone along with some more crimson marks around his neck. Niall swallowed thickly, closing the bedroom door behind him and stepping further into the room.

  He sat down next to Harry on the bed, hand extending to rest on his back, rub it in comfort. But Harry flinched at the physical contact and shifted away slightly. Niall's brows furrowed, feeling the worry that had been stirring in his stomach since Adriana told him the news increase a little. His hand pulled back and rested on his lap, lips parting to speak in a hushed tone.

   "Harry, I know what happened," Niall said quietly, his words plummeting Harry's heart. "And I'm sorry."

   "What are you apologizing for?" Harry muttered questioningly, catching Niall off-guard.

   "I-I don't know I guess I'm just upset that this happened...you know I've only ever wanted good things to happen to you," Niall rambled uneasily, fiddling with his fingers. "You just don't deserve this."

   "Why because I'm such a good person? So pure?" Harry suddenly retorted, an irritated look crossing his features as he suddenly locked gazes with Niall. He didn't know what inside of him snapped but in his mind it just seemed as if Niall was treating Harry like a baby. A pure baby that was too innocent for this world.

   "Harry, I didn't mean to upset you," Niall retracted with wide eyes, confusion swimming amongst the depths of them. "Do you truly believe you're a bad person now, because of what happened?"

  Harry tore his gaze away from Niall's and didn't respond to his question.

   "You know it's not your fault, that psycho was going to kill you," Niall spoke in a firm tone, dark brows furrowing now. "It was self-defense and you know it."

   "I don't care if it was self-defense!" Harry flared up again, snapping in a much louder tone this time and rising to his feet to look down on Niall. "I committed a crime. I fucking murdered someone Niall! That is unforgivable!"

   "Harry, calm down let's just talk this through slowly," Niall attempted to console Harry, reaching out to touch his arms but Harry simply pushed his hands away with a firm no. "If you blame yourself for this you're going to go through hell trying to get over it."

   "I already do, and I will never be able to get over something like this," Harry hissed angrily, making Niall's eyes widen.

  He had never seen his best friend so angry before. It was like the light in his beautiful green eyes had become dark and tainted. The sweet, innocent man Niall once knew was now deteriorating deep down inside, falling to pieces that can never be assembled together in the same way as before. Niall realized that it's going to take a lot of time to help Harry through this, but he worried about him nonetheless.

   "Harry, don't say that please," Niall said quietly in a calming voice. "Have hope, you can get through this."

   "You don't understand, Niall!" Harry snapped loudly, gazing at him with angry, jade eyes. Eyes that showcased the pain in his heart, tugging at his heart strings. "Just leave, I want to be alone."

   "But Harry-"

   "I said leave!"

  Niall refrained from saying anymore. Hurt evident in his ocean blue eyes as he gulped quietly and nodded his head, turning away to leave. Niall stepped out of the room and shut the door behind him. Harry dropped back onto the bed with his face contorted heavily with guilt and pain, eyes growing watery. His face met his hands while his elbows rested on his knees, chest heaving as sobs began to escape him. He hurt his best friend; something he had never done before. The realization struck him like lightning and the burn gave him agonizing pain.

  But before he could sob anymore, there was a knock on the door, along with Adriana questioning if he needed her. He had half the mind to tell her to go away but instead of told her to come in. Midnight was nearing now. Adriana had dropped Mateo off at Jazmín's for the night so that she could look after Harry. Last night she had to sleep with her son separately from Harry because one, Mateo needed her and Harry insisted on being alone, and two, she knew that sleeping with Harry was going to trigger memories of Dean and the rape. Harry couldn't get through last night due to nightmares he had, and Adriana ended up coming to his and sleeping on the pull-up couch in his room with Mateo curled up with her so that she could be there for Harry.

   "Harry-" she was about to address the crying and what happened with Niall but he cut her off instantly.

   "Please, I don't want to talk about it," Harry sniffled in response. "I just want to sleep."

   "Alright," she murmured in response, wondering how long she was going to let him not confide in her and bottle things up.

  They got ready for bed, sleeping separately once again. It pained Adriana that she couldn't be near him because of how triggering it would be for her. Harry understood and encouraged her to have her space because she needed it. But deep down, he really needed her and wanted her close to him. Nonetheless, he took comfort in the fact that they were together, in the same place at the same time. Adriana came out of the bathroom as Harry got under the covers, both of their gazes meeting for a moment. Adriana went over to him for a moment, sitting down on the edge of the bed and gazed at him, emotions heavy on her face but somehow hard to read.

   "I love you, you know that right?" she whispered ever so quietly to him. He nodded in response. "We're going to get through this, okay? I promise you we will. We're together now, and nothing's ever going to stop us from being together, ever again."

   "I know," Harry muttered in response, remembering that he was the one who got rid of the only thing that was going to stop them from being together: Dean.

   "You're going to be okay," she said firmly, trying to assure him that he was going to get over this. But he couldn't find it in him to believe her. Instead he just nodded lightly in response and looked away, indicating that he wanted to sleep.

  Adriana sighed heavily, heart aching a little at how he didn't say that he loved her back. So she just stood up and went to sleep, both of them drifting off into slumber. However, the demons came alive at night. Both broken souls had their own share of demons now, hauntingly cruel and torturous. Harry's demons attacked him first, and it was evident when Adriana was awoken by his quiet grunts and the rustling of the sheets shifting along with his sharp movements. Adriana sat up, eyes squinting in the dark and was able to see the outline of Harry's body moving in the moonlight. She pulled herself out of the pull-out couch bed and trudged towards her love who was struggling vigorously now.

  Harry was having a nightmare. The same one as last night. It consisted of Dean choking him. He could feel the strong hands wrapping around his throat, the ponderous pressure of his weight on his windpipe, preventing him from breathing. Adriana reached out to shake him gently, murmuring for him to wake up. Her eyes squeezed shut when she touched Harry's bare skin since he didn't have a shirt on, feeling shivers run down her spine as she fought the urge to pull her hands away. She finally managed to get Harry to wake up, backing away a little as he suddenly sat up with wide eyes and a gasp before he started breathing in and out rapidly, clawing at his throat again.

   "Harry, Harry, you're okay. He's not here," Adriana cooed quietly, climbing onto the bed next to him, running her hands along his tense shoulders. "Baby, look at me."

   "I can't breathe," he said between breaths, feeling the panic attack hit him sharply as his heart raced in his chest. "Help me, p-please!"

   "Shhh, Harry, baby watch me and breathe with me," she forcefully held his hands with hers, pressing her forehead against his as she sat in front of him. "C'mon, breathe with me."

  Harry felt like there was a hurricane whirling around in him, wrecking his insides. He felt sick but he tried to fight and breathe with Adriana. He opened his mouth, following her actions and took a large gulp of air, holding it in for a few seconds before letting it out. Adriana nodded encouragingly, breathing in and out in an exaggerative way so that Harry could follow her easily. He reached out for her because he wanted to hold her, feel her breathing along with him. However, she hesitated for a moment which he noticed so he pulled back a little. Adriana saw this and it crushed her heart, so she fought every urge within her to stay away from him and moved closer.

   "Are you sure?" he whispered to her, not wanting to freak her out.

   "Yes, come here," she nodded in response, wrapping her arms around his shoulder, feeing his head rest against her chest. "Is it the same one as last night?"

   "Yeah," he mumbled against her chest, his breathing slowing down now. "I feel so sick and tired."

   "I know, baby," she sighed in response. "Let's lie down, you need rest."

  They laid on the bed together, intertwined. Harry was coming down from his panic attack, but the skin around his neck would still feel odd as if he was just strangled a minute ago. He engulfed Adriana completely, legs tangled with hers with his arms around her, head on her chest. His eyes were drowsy and he eventually drifted off into a heavy slumber. Adriana was wide awake on the other hand, incredibly uncomfortable in the position she was in. Harry's bare skin pressed up against her, the weight of his heavy body on hers; it was all too much. It was making her nauseous; the anxiety was suffocating.

  But she fought hard, hoping she'd fall asleep too soon enough, or that the more she tried to make physical contact like this she'd be able to resist the flashbacks and the cold feeling of Dean's presence crawling on her skin. But she ended up shuffling away from Harry when he shifted in his sleep and pulled half his weight off of her. She was silently grateful and was able to fall asleep too. However, this was when Adriana's demons' turn to torture her.

   Muffled screams. Sweaty, clammy skin. The heavy weight of him on her.

  Empty, brown eyes staring up at the ceiling while she felt him between her legs. Completely unwelcomed.

  A strangled cry escaped her lips. But it was quickly suppressed with a large hand covering her mouth. A quiet "shush" was whispered into her ear as she felt him shift inside of her. Rough, forceful hands gripping soft, delicate skin, leaving bruises with every touch.

   "Stop please, I don't want to do this anymore," cried Adriana desolately, vision blurring with tears only to feel him force himself further into her, stretching her walls apart forcefully. Her spine shivered when he moaned her name into her ear, low and animalistic.

   "Adriana."

  Adriana jerked awake, breathing rapidly, chest rising and falling sharply. Sweat made her skin gleam in the moonlight as she shut her eyes tightly, unable to shake off the unbearable feeling of Dean's presence that keeps haunting her. Her lips trembled, parting to suck in a deep breath before exhaling, continuously repeating this in order to get her breathing to return to a steady rate.

  She sat up and looked over Harry, sleeping soundlessly. She felt the urge to wake him up, needing his comfort and his sweet words to drown out the horrific events of the nightmare. Her hand reached out to touch his shoulder, wake him up. She needed him. Even if he wasn't going to hug her to make her feel better, she just needed him to tell her that Dean was gone and that she never going to suffer the way she did with him ever again.

  But she didn't wake him.

  Her hand retracted back when she spent a few seconds silently gazing at him. He was sleeping so peacefully, she didn't want to disturb him. He was already going through so much she didn't want to burden him with her problems and struggles. He needed rest and Adriana wasn't going to wake him up because she had a nightmare she's been having for years now. She tried her hardest not to regret her decision because she really needed something to help distract her from the remnants of that horrible nightmare. Something to help her forget.

  An idea sprung to her head and it wasn't a very good one. Nonetheless, she accepted it without hesitation. Her dark eyes glanced over Harry briefly, making sure that he was still fast asleep before she soundlessly slipped out of bed. Her feet carried her over to her handbag, which she rummaged through as quietly as possible before she found what she was looking for and headed to the bathroom. There she laid down the items that were going to help her escape for some time. Her friend yet her greatest enemy. Cocaine.

  Her dark irises zoomed in on the toxic white powder that was contained in a plastic bag. She had managed to sneak some of Dean's supply he stored in her bedroom when he stayed with her, right before she had packed up a few things to stay over at Harry's. Deep down she wanted to stop herself, to toss the white snow into the toilet and flush it away. But she couldn't. She was an addict. She saw this as a temporary escape; something to help keep her going so that she wouldn't suffer in silence while she took on the responsibility of caring for Harry who was going through a difficult time right now.

  She didn't have anyone to fall back on, she couldn't possibly ask Harry to help her when he needed helping himself, thus she sucked in a breath and tapped out some of the powder onto the back of her hand. Her eyes lit up at the sight of the drug, excitement filling her body as her nose connected to her hand and the white substance was snorted within a second. After a couple of minutes, it hit her. She climbed into the bathtub and relaxed her body, inhaling deeply as the drug polluted her blood. Euphoria filled her body and elevated her into a paradise she was familiar with. Her eyes fluttered shut as the feeling engulfed her entire being, making her forget about her horrible nightmare and the emotions and pain that it caused her to feel.

She heard her demons whispering, snickering in delight because she had returned to the darkness.

   "Welcome back, ma Chérie"

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Totally lame chapter but it'll get better ish since the book is ending soon and there's still some shit that has to go down yeet.

How are y'all doing? It's been a long ass while since I've been on here properly. Anyone fasting? How's Ramadan going for y'all?

I'm currently watching the haunting of hill house, yes sorta late on it but it's SO good. One of the characters was a drug addict and watching his backstory truly reminded me of Adriana and True Colors. I truly truly truly feel for drug addicts like so much, it's insane how much they go through in order to get clean ): overall it reminded me of one of the reasons why I'm writing this book so hopefully since I'm more inspired to write I'll be able to update consistently.

Until we meet again...

thiora ❤️