I'm not even sorry for the size of this chapter ;)

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T W E N T Y   E I G H T | GET HIGH OR DIE TRYING

"Leaving," Carter repeated with confusion, not understanding the meaning behind his words. She chucked him a packet of nuts, watching as he caught the airborne packet with one hand. "What do you mean you're leaving? Like, leaving as in going to find your inner self or leaving as in leaving for good?"

"Leaving as in leaving for good." He confirmed, chewing slowly on a handful of nuts, as if the conversation they were having was completely normal and casual between two friends. Carter, on the other hand didn't feel the same way, and her face visibly whitened as her stomach plummeted. He couldn't just leave, he was their leader. He couldn't just abandon them? Bellamy noticed the sudden drop in her expression and sighed. "I have to, Carter."

"Bullshit." She suddenly snapped, her demeanor suddenly hardened with a new found anger. "Are you being serious right now? You're actually planning to abandon us?!"

"Clarke will do fine without me, and I'm sure the rest of the camp will too." He tried to explain, though Carter only grew more pissed with every syllable. "I can't stay there, I've got no choice."

"And why's that?" Carter folded her arms across her chest and leaned back against the dusty counter, her eyes not leaving his. "Tell me Bellamy, why don't you have a choice?"

"Because if I stay in camp when Jaha gets down, I'm dead and you know it." He averted his gaze to the floor and pursed his lips. "I tried to kill him. He's not gonna just forgive me for that."

"And what makes you think you're not already dead if you leave?" He looked up at this, a frown sewed between his eyebrows. "You wouldn't stand much of a chance out there, not with Grounders lurking around every corner. At least if you stay, we can talk to Jaha. My dad might be able to change his mind."

Bellamy scoffed. "And why would your dad do anything to help an attempted murderer? He doesn't seem like the kind of person to be soft towards criminals."

"He'd help because I would have asked him to," Carter feigned confidence. The relationship had never been strong between Carter and Kane, but surely if she asked him and had a good reason, he'd help them out? He had to.

"It's useless, Carter." Bellamy shot the idea down with an exasperated sigh. "I'm going and that's final."

Carter frowned. "I don't think you have the authority anymore to tell me what's final." Her muscles tensed from the anger and frustration she felt. Her eyes blazed with those emotions as she kept hold of his stare. "If you're gonna abandon us when shit gets hard, you don't get to tell me jack squat. Do you know what? I was beginning to think you weren't a selfish asshole anymore, but thank you for proving me wrong! Have you even considered about anyone else other than yourself? What about Octavia, huh? What happened to 'she's my responsibility' Because you look quite happy to abandon her."

"Octavia can't stand the sight of me!" Bellamy yelled back, the harshness of his tone matched Carter's. "Not after what I said."

"This is rich," Carter shook her head, gazing down towards the floor, her jaw working back and forth. "So just because you said something to Octavia and she's pissed at you, that gives you the right to just leave her, yeah?"

"Yeah-- No, I..." Frustration suddenly overwhelmed Bellamy and ran a hand across his face, groaning lowly as he did. He pushed himself away from the counter and began to walk away, his fists clenched either side of him.

"Where do you think you are going?!" Carter called after him, venom dripped from her words.

"Out for some air." Bellamy replied, not missing a beat. Carter stayed quiet until she couldn't hear his footsteps.

He was planning to leave them.

That thought alone hurt her more than she would have liked. She didn't understand why Bellamy's departure would affect her as much as she knew it would. She found it comical at how close she had grown to the leader within their time on the ground. She started off hating him, blaming him for the reason she was down there in the first place, just the mere sight of Bellamy used to make her fume. But things had changed, for the better or worse Carter wasn't sure. She found herself liking his company and he never failed to shock her with the different personality spikes he had. Sure, he was a selfish jackass that bordered the line of a tyrant, but there was a side to him that was the complete opposite. He had some form of compassion and he cared for the Hundred, whether he knew it or not. She respected him for that.

And, still, he was going to turn his back on them.

"Dammit!" She exclaimed, slamming her palm onto the table. She glanced over towards the way they came in, the way Bellamy left, and scowled deeply. Out of irritation, she snatched up one of the packs that contained some nuts and aggressively shoved a few into her mouth. On the Ark, whenever her own emotions-- usually frustration or anger-- got the better of her, she used to angrily eat whatever she could. It was a shock that she wasn't fat, because she spent the past two years of her existence constantly feeling the two emotions which she seemed to have trouble keeping a lid on. She slowly slid down the wall until she was sat on the floor, her legs up to her chest. Carter knew Bellamy would take his sweet time in coming back, so she may as well get comfy. Their conversation wasn't going to end just because he wanted it to. If there's one trait Carter had got from her father it was stubbornness, and there was no way she was going to back down and let Bellamy leave, not all the while she had some fight left in her. After a few minutes of playing with her thumbs, Carter heard dripping. It sounded like it was getting closer, and faster.

With a small frown, Carter got to her feet and limped towards the entrance of the room she was in, though she saw nothing but darkness. However, the darkness she stared into seemed more ominous and... well, dark. She blinked at it, hoping it would sort itself out, but it didn't.

"Why couldn't you save me?" Carter gasped at the sudden voice and span around, not ready to face what was there. The room and the contents had disappeared only leaving an empty darkness. The only thing that Carter could look at was the little girl she hadn't seen since the day Murphy was banished from camp. Charlotte. "Why couldn't you save me, Carter?" The little girl repeated, stepping closer to Carter.

"I... I tried." Carter's voice was barely a whisper, her eyes wide as she took in Charlotte's appearance. She looked exactly like she did before she jumped, her dark blonde hair in a tight braid and her eyes held the same innocence. "I really did,  but... but you jumped before I could stop you."

"I'm dead because you didn't act fast enough." Charlotte's sweet voice took a menacing turn and Carter instinctively stepped back, her eyes still wide. "You could have saved me, Carter, but you didn't. You just watched."

"That's not true." The blonde shook her head wildly. " I didn't know-"

"- You left me with Finn and Clarke because you knew you wouldn't be able to protect me yourself. You let me die. You let Murphy get to me. You didn't try hard enough, Carter. You did this to me." Charlotte sneered, taking slow footsteps towards Carter.

"That's not true!" Carter yelled, she felt the unfamiliar sting of tears prick in the corners of her eyes, "I did everything I could! I made sure Murphy followed me so he wouldn't find you!"

"If you did everything you could, then why am I not alive?" Charlotte cocked her head to the side, and Carter tried to move backwards again, though her back hit something hard, trapping her. She squeezed her eyes shut and clenched her jaw.

"You're not real." Carter breathed, too scared to open her eyes. She didn't want to see the little girl that had grown on her looking at her with so much resentment. It hurt too much. "You're not real, you're not real." A loud screeching noise sounded and Carter grabbed at her ears and gritted her teeth. Why was this happening?

"It's the nuts." A light voice spoke softly and the heavy atmosphere that surrounded her had lightened, Charlotte's accusing voice could no longer be heard but Carter wasn't taking any chances. "The nuts make you hallucinate, but it's okay now, I'm here."

"Mother?" Carter guessed, slowly opening her eyes and hesitantly taking her hands away from her ears. The room was back to normal, there was no darkness that wasn't there before and all the containers and other items were back where they were. She glanced around the room until her eyes fell upon a figure she often saw in her nightmares. But there was no hatred in her mother's eyes, only the maternal love she used to see. She didn't know why she expected her mother to be in a flowing white gown, she just did. But that isn't what she saw, Mia was wearing the same dull clothes she wore on the Ark, though she was sporting a familiar grey sweater. Carter's favorite sweater. It was originally her moms. Carter coughed lightly, bringing herself back to the scene in front of her. "Am I still hallucinating?"

"Well if you wasn't, you got an impressive six sense of seeing ghosts." Her mother shot back with a small smirk. It didn't take long for people to realize Carter got most of her attitude from her mother. Even if Mia was the sweetest woman Carter had ever come across, she had a smart mouth and knew how to use it. Unlike her daughter, who used her mouth in all the wrong situations. "Yes, you're still hallucinating."

"Are you here to tell me I killed you, too?" Carter asked somewhat bitterly, snapping her gaze towards the floor, not wanting to see the hatred that was bound to be in her mother's eyes.

"That wasn't really Charlotte talking, you should know that. She would never blame what happened on you," Mia paused for a moment and waited until Carter met her meaningful stare. "That was the nuts talking. Well, that's what you think, the nuts just made it into a hallucination."

"How do I know you're not saying that just because I want you to?" Carter raised a challenging eyebrow and in turn, Mia smiled sadly.

"Because you don't want someone to tell you Charlotte's death is your fault, you want to believe it was you." She pursed her lips for a moment as she stared deeply at her daughter's feigned emotionless face. She could see the shame through the cracks. "You should take your own advice, Carter. You told Bellamy the night Charlotte jumped that it wasn't his fault. It's not yours either. What she did was her choice and I'm sure if either of you knew what she was going to do, you would have have done all that you could to stop her."

"And what about your death?" Carter's voice broke as she met the sad look portrayed in her mother's green eyes. "I know, mom. I know you tried to kill me, and dad floated you because of it. I know I'm the whole reason he executed you. If you never tried to kill me dad would have tried to help you."

"I couldn't be helped." Her mother's voice was now firm and left little room for argument. "I was sick, Carter. Your father's right, I died long before I was executed. And you should never ever blame yourself for what happened, got it? Even if you wasn't there, I would have hurt someone," Another pause. "I'm glad your dad put an end to it before I could have truly hurt someone. In some twisted way, he saved me from what I wad becoming. I just wish you can forgive me for what happened."

Carter rubbed at her eyes, making sure her tears didn't shed. "You're my mother, of course I can forgive you. I mean, it's still a lot to take in, but I'll be fine. I always am."

Mia smiled, though it didn't quite reach her eyes. "I love you, Carter."

"I love you too, mother." Carter's lips tugged upwards a little.

"I mean it, I don't want you to blame yourself for either mine or Charlotte's death. Life is too short to spend it in self-loathing." Mia sighed loudly, almost over-dramatically. "Well, my time's up and so's yours."

"What? Am I dying?" Carter frowned, suddenly looking around her as if it would indicate whether she was about to die.

"No," Mia chuckled, shaking her head. "I'm pretty sure your hallucination's will be coming to an end soon and besides, don't you have to go and convince a certain boy he can't leave you?" At this, Carter noticed how transparent her mom was becoming, but she also noted how Mia was now wearing a rather large smirk.

"Us," Carter corrected, frowning. "He can't leave us-- the camp. What the hell are you suggesting?"

"I'm not suggesting anything." Mia shrugged innocently. Carter had to strain just to see the twinkle in her mother's fading eyes. "Oh and one more thing," Mia quickly added, her voice was growing distant and the small glow that managed to fill the room was disappearing with her.

"What?"

"For the love of god, do something with your hair. Put it back into a braid or something, it looks like a birds nest when it's down."

"Gee, thanks, mom." Carter mumbled as her mother disappeared fully, leaving her in an empty room. It suddenly felt colder and she missed the sight of her mom almost immediately. With a shaky inhale of air, Carter began to stumble her way towards the bunker exit. Her vision felt just as shaky as her breathing and she assumed the nuts still had an affect on her. She limped her way up the stairs, making a point to not look at the skeleton which was still sat on the stairs. It felt like it was watching her and she only hurried herself more, not liking how claustrophobic she began to feel in the depot. As she made it up the final steps and out the doors, she noticed how dark it was outside, and she briefly wondered when night had began to fall upon them. When she felt the slight patter of rain on her face and the cool air hit her like a brick wall, and she instinctively went to pull Bellamy's jacket around her, thought she was only met with the bare skin of her arms. Looking down, she noticed how slick with sweat her arms were and the fact she wasn't wearing the jacket, only her black tank top. When did I take the jacket off?

The further she stumbled out of the depot. the queasier she felt and her vision blurred slightly. Just as she was about to find somewhere to take a seat and catch her breath, there was a resounding snapping noise from behind her and she span around, eyes wide.

What she saw was something she didn't expect to see. Dax, she believed his name was, a member of the Hundred.

"Oh shit, I thought you were a Grounder." She laughed lightly, trying to make herself seem like she wasn't about to throw up or pass out. Dax's expression stayed the same, most of which was hidden under his hood, and he stepped closer to her, making her step back. She didn't like the determined dark look on his face, nor did she like the remorse that flickered in his eyes. Her fingers inched towards where her knife was usually tucked, but it wasn't there. Dread sank in her stomach as she realized she must have left it in the bunker with her jacket. "What are you doing?" She asked suspiciously as she kept stepping backwards, though as she took another one back, half of her foot almost fell into the swamp-like lake that was behind her. She gasped and quickly caught herself before she fell in. Dax was still moving towards her, eating up the distance between them.

"I'm sorry, okay?" He suddenly spoke. Sorry? "He told me I had to do this, I've got to."

"Who told you to do what?" Carter asked slowly, raising her hands as she did.

"He told me to kill you and Bellamy. I have to do it, I have to do it," He repeated, almost like a mantra. Carter didn't need three guessed to know who he was. What person wanted both Bellamy and Carter did because of what they knew?

"Shumway set you up to this, didn't he?" Carter breathed, quickly coming to the conclusion which seemed most realistic.

"He said I have to do it. I have to." Dax chorused again, and if Carter wasn't in a situation where her life was on the line, she would have rolled her eyes at how stupid he sounded.

"You don't have to do anything, you can walk away from this, we all can. Don't-" Before she could finish, Dax sent a harsh shove to Carter's chest, knocking her backwards into the cold water below her. It was the coldness that it her first, making her gasp and the stodgy water forced it's way down her throat. It was deeper than she anticipated and her feet couldn't touch the floor and she couldn't swim either. She kicked at thrashed at the cold substance, only just bringing herself to the surface and allowing her the minimum of air before she was pulled back under. The smudged vision of Dax hovered over the edge of the lake, daring her to come back up. She continued to kick wildly, though it was to no avail, she only felt herself getting deeper under the water. It was then she saw Dax's figure retreating, knowing she wouldn't resurface. Carter's lungs burned and heaved, desperate for oxygen. She carried on trying to push herself upwards, but she already felt her actions getting weaker.

This was it. That was how she was going to die. Of all the deaths Carter could have pictured for herself, drowning was one she never thought of. And there she was, slowly sinking to the bottom of a dirty, probably disease-infested lake with the incapability to swim. Had she not have been drowning, she may have laughed bitterly at her situation. And the one man behind it? Shumway. He was the reason she was on the ground, he was the reason Bellamy was forced to shoot the Chancellor, he was the reason a lot of shit had gone down. But the biggest one? He was the reason her father's life was on the line because she never got to warn him about Shumway.

She never got to warn him about Shumway.

Her eyes shot open, despite the sting they felt from the water. Everything she had done would be for nothing. Keeping her mouth shut to her best friends and everyone else would be in vain, especially if she's going to die in some crappy lake and her dad would die regardless. At least if she was alive, she and her father had a fighting chance. And then there was Bellamy. What would happen if Dax got to Bellamy? Sure their leader was able to hold his own, but what if this time he can't? What if Dax killed him? If Carter allowed herself to just give up, she can't even attempt to save him.

Suddenly, her feet it something hard, like a rock or something similar and a massive surge of adrenaline surged through her entire being. She was not dying in a lake of all places, she refused. With everything she had, she pushed her legs against the rock and shot herself up, clawing her way up to the surface of the water and gulping wildly at the air, quickly digging her fingers into the bank of the lake and heaving herself up, allowing herself to fall onto the wet mud as she spluttered up water. Her breathing was heavy and uneven as she tried to regulate herself. But she didn't wait to restore her herself. Clumsily, she staggered to her feet and made her way towards where she saw Dax walk off to.

It was safe to say, whatever affect the nuts had on her had definitely gone.

Even with the sudden weakness she felt, she stumbled through the dark woods, her unorganized steps full of determination as she ignored the pain she felt in her still-healing foot. She leaned against one of trees and knelt over slightly, trying to steady her breathing and after a few large gulps she straightened back up until she began to hear a faint voice. Immediately chalking it down to either Dax or Bellamy, she quickened her pace, using the trees to push her forward. She stumbled over a few rogue roots and over discarded pieces of nature but managed to push through it, only focusing on getting to that voice.

No, voices.

"Nothing personal." Was the first coherent voice she heard as she broke through the treeline, seeing Dax hover over Bellamy who was laying the ground, a fearful look in his eyes. The former held a gun-- in the incorrect way-- the same determined look in his eye as before. He must have gone into the Bunker to get it. Carter's heart leaped in her throat and she quickly scanned the earth below her in search for a branch or something she could use as a weapon. She grabbed a large, heavy branch and staggered towards them, desperate to get there before Dax could shoot Bellamy. A click sounded from the gun, but there was no bang or shot and Carter took the chance to swing the branch as hard as could, cringing at the sudden thump as it collided with the side of Dax's head. Even with the force Carter had hit Dax with, the boy only stumbled but quickly caught himself and span around, pointing the gun directly at Carter's head. Her eyes widened. "You're supposed to be at the bottom of that lake."

"Surprise." She muttered, hiding the fear she had with a scowl. "If you wanted to kill me, you should have put a bullet in my head. At least then, we all know I won't be getting back up."

"Well then," Dax smirked, holding the gun tighter and aiming it on her head. The remorse he had evident before he pushed Carter into the lake had gone, replaced with only darkness "Let's make sure you don't get back up." Just as a bang echoed throughout the woods, Carter quickly dived to the side, not before a searing pain shot skimmed the top of her shoulder. Dax turned to the side, the gun aimed at Carter who clutched onto her arm seething in pain. Though before he could squeeze the trigger and end Carter's life, he was suddenly forced to the ground, courtesy of Bellamy. Carter didn't watch as Bellamy served punch after punch to Dax's face, she also didn't watch as Dax got the upper hand and began to deliver punches to Bellamy. Instead she clambered to her feet, hissing at the pain she felt in her arm and stumbled her way over to the fallen branch. Just as she picked it up, which was hard giving she could only use one arm, she held it tightly and then just before Dax could pull the gun up on Bellamy, she used every ounce of strength she had and slammed the branch against Dax's head, who in turn fell to the side, half-dazed. Before he could get back to his senses Bellamy grabbed a discarded bullet and lodging it into Dax's neck. The boy immediately started choking on his own blood and Carter had to look away, he fell limp to the ground, unmoving.

After a few beats Carter finally dropped the branch, allowing it to thump heavily on the floor, the tip of it had a light coat of Dax's blood from the impact she hit him with. Her breathing was ragged and finally, since she heaved herself out of the lake, she gave into the exasperation and pain her body felt. Falling back to the floor and seething from her shoulder. "What an asshole." She shuddered. Bellamy fell beside her, both refusing to look at the body of the fallen camp member-- betrayer. She could already feel Bellamy's self-loathing for having to kill Dax and she sighed loudly. "You did what you had to do, Bellamy." He looked up and met her tired gaze. "He was going to stop at nothing until we were dead. It was either him or us. I don't like it as much as you, but he made his choice."

After another long pause, he spoke. "You're bleeding." Bellamy observed lamely, looking down at the thin sliver of blood that seeped through Carter's fingers. She took her hand away and noticed the shallow graze that ran along the edge of her shoulder. She was surprised to see how minor the injury was considering the amount of pain she felt. So, she had been stabbed, impaled, almost-drowned and shot. What next? She thought humorlessly.

"It's just a graze," Carter dismissed, fully taking in the beating he took to the face. "What about you? Are you okay?"

"No," He replied truthfully, averting her curious gaze. He suddenly went through his jacket pocket and got out what looked like a rag. "But let's at least sort your arm out before you give me a heart-to-heart."

Carter didn't reply. Instead, she watched as Bellamy tentatively wrapped the rag around Carter's arm, tying it securely once he did. "I saw Charlotte," Carter swallowed, looking down at her thumbs. Bellamy stopped what he was doing and looked up at her, he didn't need her to say it was an hallucination, he already knew. "She told me it was my fault she jumped. I should have done more..." She trailed off thoughtfully, still frowning.

"There was nothing you could have done," Bellamy offered, "It's not your fault."

"I know." Carter nodded with a small smile. "It's not yours either." A soft sigh escaped her lips before she leaned her head back against the tree. "I think-- No, I know I'm ready to tell you about my mom." At this Bellamy's eyebrows furrowed slightly. "I was sixteen when she died. My dad, he, uh, he was the one that did it, he executed her." She sucked in a deep breath. "I hated him for two freaking years for what he did because no one knew why he did what he did, he couldn't even look me in the eye and tell me why he executed my mother," She chuckled bitterly. "Until today. He told me he did it to protect me. Told me my mother was sick and that she tried to kill me."

"Do you believe him?" Bellamy asked, his voice stronger.

After a small pause, Carter nodded. "Yeah, I do. I mean, I saw it myself-- how she used to talk to herself and spend endless hours drawing these weird, twisted pictures. But when my father told me he executed her to save me, I couldn't help but think it was my fault. Stupid, I know. But I felt that if I wasn't there, she would still be here." She sniffed and looked up at the sky, staring at the stars that had a thin layer of cloud covering them. "But I'm learning to accept that what happened wasn't my fault. But... My dad. He did the hardest thing a husband could ever have to do to his wife just so I was never hurt. He even let me hate him just so I didn't have to deal with what my mother had become." She looked to Bellamy, the unshed tears in her eyes spoke volumes and without even thinking about it, he grabbed her hand and squeezed it tightly. Just so she knew he was there. "I miss him." She admitted with a breathy chuckle.

"I saw Jaha." Bellamy pursed his lips after another long silence.He looked down at their hands as he spoke. "I can't do it anymore, Carter. I've fought so damn hard and I just can't do it anymore. I'm responsible for so many deaths--"

"-- Stop it." Carter cut him off, shifting her position so she could face him properly, hissing at the pain she felt in her shoulder. "Just stop. What you saw was what you wanted to see. You wanted to see Jaha so he could tell you everything you've been holding back. Truth is, you're not responsible for anyone's death. Not Charlotte's, not Wells, not the people in the culling and not your mothers. And whatever it is your fighting, no one said you had to fight it alone. I'm here and so is your sister and I'm sure others are too." She waited until Bellamy met her eyes before continuing. "Running isn't the answer, not when you've got a whole freaking camp that you're in charge of. And you're kidding yourself if you think I'm just gonna let you walk away. Your pissy attitude and cockiness provide the best distraction from my dysfunctional family. Because, unlike you, I don't run away from my problems, I just try and sort myself out before dealing with them. Please, Bellamy, don't leave us. Don't leave me."

"But Jaha..." Bellamy travelled off, his voice almost broke from the obvious raw emotion he felt.

"Screw him." Carter replied bluntly. "Who gives a shit what he's got to say anyway? Besides, I think we've finally got something he might need, or should I say someone."

"Shumway." Bellamy breathed coming to the same conclusion as Carter."He set this up. He made me shoot Jaha and sent you to Earth."

"Exactly," Carter nodded once, leaning back against the tree. "He wanted to shut us up for good, right? Well then let's do the opposite of he wanted. I hope the bastard gets floated for what he's done." She paused looking back up at the sky with a sombre expression. "But we'll do that when we get back to camp. Right now, I just wanna look at the stars and attempt to get some of my strength back. You'd be surprised at how much drowning knocks it out of you." Carter smirked and Bellamy offered a weak smile before following her gaze up to the stars. Carter tightened her grip on his hand. She wanted him to know she was there for him, too.

So yes, I did a lot of stuff differently, mainly because a direct copy of what happened in the show wouldn't be right and I tried to hard to change the dialect, because Carter is a complete different person to Clarke so she wouldn't act as calm and cool as Clarke did in most of this episode. Anyways, I hope the changes were for the better :)

Also, for most of the heartish-to-heartish stuff I had to stick on a Sad playlist on Spotify just so I could try and get into the 'zone'...  if that's not dedication I don't know what is ;)

And as always, I thank thou for reading!