Will

A soft knock on my open door got my attention. I put down the weights I was lifting to see my best friend Harry standing on my door. "Hey bud, we're gonna go to the gallery, wanna come with?"

I looked at my time, I've just finished my excersise anyway. "Sure." I said with a shrug.

But my best friend was no longer looking at me, he was looking at my body and then towards the poster on my wall, looking at it back and forth and then actually laughed. Oh yeah, he was looking at a photo I did as a first gig as a model, I laughed along, I wasn't that toned as I am now.

Since I dropped out - and no way was I gonna live counting on my dad's cash - I applied to a few modeling agencies and got accepted to one where the pay was pretty good. Not only do I thousands of bucks for modeling for some perfume, t-shirt or underwear, I also get to be on magazines and billboards.

He said he'd meet me out at the living room so I immediately changed into a dark t-shirt and a worn-out jeans, taking Jake's checkered polo which was lying on the couch in the living room and put it on.

The bar wasn't far from our complex so we took a walk. I looked around the crowd, trying to look for anything attractive. All the girls seemed hot but they all looked blunt to me. There's just something missing. Of course I've never been this way, I take 'em when they come, so why was I being this way now?

"Find what you're looking for?" Said a girl standing in front me, smiling flirtily.

The thing is, when people who know me sees me, they say I should feel bad for using girls but they don't get that the using goes both ways. The girl wants it as much as I do.

"Certainly." I said, patting my lap for her to sit on.

Harry muttered something in disgust, sitting farther away from me and I just smiled at him.

See, my friends and I were pretty different, they like stability and I like living in the rough which is why I don't get how the three of us became friends.

The girl started kissing down my neck but surprisingly, same as my friends, I felt disgusted. I suddenly wanted the girl to get off me and get lost."Uh, excuse me, I'll just go to the bathroom.." I said, a bit nauseous and grabbing her hand to stop her from kissing me and setting her down on the chair.

"Want me to come with?" She purred.

I stood up easily. "I'd much rather you don't."

She pouted at me which would have looked cute if I really didn't want her near me. I don't know why, I just - I can't explain, I just want to be alone. I looked at Harry and he got where I was actually going.

I heard him laugh as I walked away.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I acting like a whipped asshole? I don't even have a girl to be whipped about. I got to the bar and ordered a bottle of JD. Someone patted me on the back, it was Harry, he sat on the empty chair next to me and laughed. "What's up with this womanizer?" He asked.

I shrugged.

"She was way to overconfident that I'd do her." I said. Which was, in fact, true. But that wasn't the whole truth. I couldn't tell Harry the whole of it because even I did not know.

"Just the way you like them, right?" He asked sarcastically. That was always my response  whenever they ask why I like girls who push themselves to me.

I laughed.

"Right." I agreed. "Just the way I like 'em." And for the first time, I didn't agree with myself. Why did I enjoy this kind of life.. I mean, how was I able to stomach all these 'flings' and ridiculousness?

Grabbing me out of my thoughts, Harry asked, "So why aren't you in the bathroom doing only god knows what to that girl?"

"I don't know.. I just don't feel like it." I said honestly.

"And why don't you feel like doing the girl who practically threw herself at you?" He asked.

"I don't know, man. Honest." I confessed truthfully. "Is she gone?"

He stifled a laugh and nodded. "Yeah, I think Jake took her to your spot." He said sounding surprised with what he was saying.

I frowned.

"Jake?" Jake our friend? The one who freaks out by just the mention of cheating? That Jake?

"You heard right." He said nodding as if he heard what I thought without me having to say it.

"Dude, why would you let him do that?" I stood up from the bar stool, looking around for Jake. "He's got a girlfriend that knows taekwando, if you've forgotten. Shit, Andrea's gonna kill us when she finds out. What the hell, Harry?" I looked the guy questioningly.

"Relax," He said with a chuckle, pushing me back to my seat. "Let him be - and, didn't he tell you? He's been suspecting something bad happening with his relationship, he's been paranoid for a month now and he and Andrea broke up last night, he caught her cheating."

"Seriously?" I asked surprised. "Andrea? Cheating? Something's not right in that picture. That girl doesn't cheat."

"Yeah, well, she did." He said after ordering his own drink.

"Poor guy." I really did feel sorry, he's the most faithful man I know - besides Harry - he had not disappointed Andrea, not even once. When it comes to commitment, he was just so willing to make that relationship to work out. And all his hard work and effort was wasted because of the reason he made an effort in the first place. Well, it is true that true love's not something you have to work for.

"Tell me about it, I actually thought, if anything, he'd be mad at you for doing what you do. Playing with girls, not caring whether the girl's committed or not, same kinda guy ruined his 2 year long relationship."

"So that's why he's been acting weird." I said, finally making sense of the situation. "Guy's been having mood swings around me so much I thought he's suffering from PMS."

"So, are all my friends fucked up or are you willing to enlighten me?" He asked jokingly.

I smiled, that's a good thing to think about.

Harry had always been the well-rounded one. Must be because of all that yoga stuff he does. "Nah, we're just all fucked up." I joked. "You're bad at choosing friends."

"Maybe I am or maybe you're just good at choosing friends." He said, using the reverse psych shit he learns in college.

I nodded in agreement. "Yeah, maybe I am." I looked at him. "So what are we gonna do with Jake?"

"Let him be a guy for once, I guess." Harry joked. "He's been the loyal guy Andrea wanted and she couldn't be the same in return. He's hurting so let him be."

I nodded.

"Aye, aye, Mr. psychologist." I teased.

He grinned. "Now, if Mr. Psychologist is not mistaken.... A girl's bothering that very clear head of yours?"

I raised my brow as I let out a snort.

"Though hurt and heartbroken and all that shit, that bastard still has a big mouth." I said shaking my head in humor.

"Yeah, yeah. So the girl, what's up?" He asked.

"Nothing man, she's just a little bump in the road, I'm past that." But I couldn't even make myself believe that. It was so far from the truth but this truth is another one of those I can't explain. Ever since I met that girl, everything's been just weird and I can't explain anything anymore.

"Right. Of course you are." He said sarcastically. "Seriously, you suck when it comes to emotional shit."

"Yeah I do. So stop this right now bud, I don't cope well with all the gayness."

He threw a good punch at me as he laughed.

"Anyway, What's up with your life?" He asked taking a sip on his drink. "You talk to your dad, lately?"

"Nah, wouldn't think of it." I answered. Why would he think that? He knows my dad and I have not spoken for years.

"But I thought he tried to reach you the other day?"

"It was actually my mom, she's just checking up on me." I answered non-chalantly. "I kinda knew it too, may dad hates me too much to call."

"You know, it's been two years, don't you think it's about time you two make peace?"

"I think it's better this way, I killed his son for god's sake." I shrugged, pretending this didn't bother me. "His favorite son at that, I think he'd much rather I'm the one lying dead under the dirt." Everyday this bothered me, haunted me and killed every living cell in my body. Accident or not, I killed my brother. I didn't choke him, beat him up to death or stabbed the life out of him but he's dead now because of me. And that fact's gonna haunt me until the day I die.

"Man, it's fine, I'm over it." I said when I saw Harry's pitiful eyes staring at me. "I'm just messing with you." But I wasn't. I am the way I am - cold-hearted, untrustworthy and a piece of shit - because of my own fault and there's no one else to blame. All of it was my own doing, I'm gonna have to deal with this for the rest of my life and I'm not gonna drag anybody else down this hellhole.

The last talk I had with my father, we argued about my state of living, he told me 'I gotta put my shit together cause he's tired of fixing my problems, one after the other.' And that's why I left. If he's so tired of me then I'll just leave so he'd breathe easy then.

"And seriously, you gotta stop making me your experiment.. using that psych shit you learned on me."

He laughed.

"I am not." He said, mocking hurt because of the accusation.

"Right." I said sarcastically. "Well, how about you? how've you been doing? I heard you and - you know - broke up." Seems like everybody's been breaking up.

"Uh, yeah, I don't know man, I don't know what happened." He said, playing with the tip of the glass he had.

"You willing to fix it?" I asked drinking a mouthful of beer, acting like playing cupid was a normal thing for me.

"Yeah, of course, this is the best relationship I've had and I'm in love, I don't want it to end."

"Then go fix it you bastard." I said, just cause he had to.

"I want to, but I don't think that's speaking for the both of us." He shrugged.

"Hey, I agree, this is the best relationship you've had. That's coming from the guy who was there through all those frustrating relationships. As long as you're willing, do something about it and fix it." I've watched the guy fall for girl after girl and none of them worked out. Now, this relationship, I know this is it, that's why he has to fix it, no matter what.

He smiled smartly at me.

"You're really not the guy you're trying to make yourself out to be." He commented. "You're much better than what you give yourself credit for, bud." He patted my shoulder, informing me without words that at least one person appreciates my existance.

Hannah

I felt so helpless the moment I heard my brother crying next door. I wanted to go to him so I could try and comfort him but he was hiding his tears for a reason, right? And what will I do if I saw him crying? He'd just tell me excuses and I'd agree because I wouldn't know how to confront him.

I took a deep breath. I told him he wasn't alone, that I was just here if he needed me and I gotta stand by my words. "Hey bro, I'm in the mood for take-outs and breakfast club." I shouted, pretending to be oblivious to his cries. I don't know if watching a movie will fix anything but.. it's the best I can do.

"Yeah?" He answered, his voice shaky, obviously trying to sound upbeat. "That's awesome, I'll be out in a few."

"Yeah.. great, I'm ordering chinese, whatcha want to eat?" I asked weakly because It sounded horrible that this is the best I can come up with.

"The usual." He answered with a sniff.

"Alright, great." I answered with the same weak tone, pretending we both felt fine.

As I called our order in, the thought of what made my brother cry nagged me. He wasn't that kind of guy, he never seemed to have problems... up until months ago when we watched a movie and he wasn't in the mood to work. It was so long ago that I forgot to ask again if there was anything bothering him.

Ugh. I don't know how to do this, yeah my brother and I were close... I just, I've never seen him cry aside from when our parents died. We've been sugarcoating everything but in reality, we're complete strangers now.

He got down just as I hung up the phone. I sighed and tried to keep on pretending but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. His puffy eyes and lost eyes just made me so damn helpless. "Dane what is going on? Seriously, tell me the truth."

He looked taken aback. I was too. Neither of us knew that I could snap like that.

"Going on with what?" He asked, shrugging, still pretending he's fine even though his eyes are still red and puffy.

"With you!" I screamed, unable to hold back. "You've been acting depressed and now you're crying? What the hell Dane?"

He rolled his eyes. "I'm just stressed out, there's a lot of work right now."

"You've always had a lot of work, Dane, why breakdown now?"

He sighed.

"Because, I've had a lot of pressure, Hannah." He said calming himself down. Wow, if this happened years ago, we'd both be ripping each other's guts out but now he's actually restraining himself to fight back. On the other hand, that was a bitchy thing to do. I just bursted my anger out on my brother who works his ass of to keep us both well-fed and alive for the rest of our lives.

I closed my eyes.

"Shit, sorry." I sat on the chair feeling ashamed.

"Don't worry about it, everyone's entitled to have a breakdown once in a while. And we've been trying to keep everything together for about two years now. It is hard, not just for me but for you as well." He patted me on the back. "You know, I guess we're kinda like strangers now, huh, I mean, we talk but, we know nothing about each other."

And I couldn't have said it better. My only family left is now a stranger to me.

"How about we just catch up for today, huh? Tell each other everything we didn't have a chance to before." He stated, letting out a shaky breath. "So, what's been going on with you?"

Well, not exactly how I wanted this to start... still, if I talk then he's gonna have to as well.

I took a deep breath.

"Well, everything's going good in school, I still suck in math, doing well in english and -" I kept talking and talking about absolutely anything I can think of. I like this because sure we can watch a million of movies and pretend things are going well but nobody can pretend forever. This is a great idea, we can now finally move past our candy-coated reality. "And ummmm, that's it, I mean, as you now know, there's nothing interesting in my state of living. Your turn."

"Well...." He took a deep breath, looking a bit uneasy that it's his turn to talk. "Work's bearable, my secretary's a pain in the ass, we're increasing our sales and well, things are good with that boring part of my life. It's in the romance department that I've been having trouble with lately...." He trailed off as my ears perked up. I knew I was on the tip of the iceberg when I assumed he's acting strange because of his love life.

"So there is a girl!" I said happy that I guessed right.

He bit his lip telling me I'm probably wrong.

"Not exactly..," he admitted. "Hannah, I have to tell you something."