[Flos adonis]: Painful recollections

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"Baddie, I've been looking for you everywhere." Theo slides in the seat next to me at lunch right when I'm about to stand up and leave after stabbing the sad salad with my fork a couple of times, as if it's my worst enemy.

Spoiler alert, I've been imagining it's Trouble the whole time.

Sydney left a couple of minutes ago to have Jack drive her to another audition, since I still have more classes. With those two constantly bickering, I've often wondered how at the end of the day Syd can always convince him to do exactly what she wants. 

"Please stop calling me that." I glare at him, trying to make it look threatening.

"Cute," he laughs instead, leaning back in his seat, which only makes my glare turn murderous. "So there is this party tomorrow, as a last hooray before the Thanksgiving break." He goes on ignoring me.

Shoot, that's right, we'll have a four-day holiday after tomorrow, and then the first round of exams will follow. I've been studying so hard these past couple of weeks, that I'm already fully prepared for all of them, even handed in some of my projects beforehand.

I guess I should be thankful to Trouble for that. My broken heart made me work my butt off, just so I could try to forget him... and fail.

"Why are you telling me this again?" I arch a brow.

The last time I was invited to a party, I was sexually abused. And talking about Isaac, the guy has kept his word and made himself nonexistent in my life. Haven't even seen him around our college after the last time we talked, for which I'm insanely grateful to all my lucky stars.

"Because I'm hosting it and because I want you to be there."

"Why would I? Especially when you've been annoying me this past week."

Unfortunately, I'm not exaggerating. Whenever he hangs around Darius and me at his grandma's property, he makes it his mission to get on my nerves one way or another.

He keeps tossing our sketches around, doing pull-ups hanging from various objects while we clean as if we are obsessed, and staring at us in a way I can't quite grasp.

"It's a date." He adds suddenly and I choke on my latte in a very unattractive way. "You're not seeing anyone now and you're perfectly fine after your breakup." He goes on unfazed, handing me a napkin, while my eyes widen with every word. "There aren't any hangups or drama. So yeah, stop looking at me like that, and let's go on a date."

"You like me?" I ask dumbfounded, cleaning myself up slowly. "Why?"

"I've got a very enormous crush on you ever since I saw how cool you were while breaking up with Jack. I know it's weird, but it is what it is."

"Okay, first of all, didn't expect that so early in the morning."

"It's noon."  He mumbles.

"Irrelevant. Secondly, isn't it like a violation of the bro code or something?"

"Jack is not my bro, we just play basketball together sometimes and share an apartment with like four other people." He shrugs.

"Are you sure that doesn't make him your bro?"

"Nope, we aren't close so I don't feel any kind of remorse." He leans back in his seat fully content with himself.

"Hmm." I mumble, staring at my sad salad, trying to think.

"That was a very intelligible 'hmm'. Okay no, explain it."

"Nothing, I'm just very confused," I mumble, still dumbfounded. "Thank you, Theo, I truly am grateful for the offer, but I don't want to date anyone right now."

"Friends with benefits?" He tries, stealing the untouched grapes from my tray.

"We are not really friends though."

"If a one-night stand is what you are after, just tell me the time and place."

"Funny." I narrow my eyes at him, letting him know he's not. "But seriously, Theo, don't make it awkward."

He stares at me with a serious expression on his face, as if his brain is working quickly with the wheels turning and all. It lasts for a second too long, making me regret being so casual about it, not because his stare is creepy or threatening, but because it's kind of... hurt.

"We can go as friends." He says at last. "We can invite Darius and Sydney too."

Yeah, I've been there before, tricked into a relationship with a friend that lasted years.

"Sorry, I'm not sure Darius and Syd can make it, they are going home tomorrow. And I already have plans," I tell him truthfully, just not that my plans are with the plants I'm growing at his family cemetery.

"That's your final answer then?" He says, sitting up straight.

"Yes, Theo. Sorry if it's not what you'd want to hear."

"No, it's cool. I'm just... It didn't even take you a second to consider my offer neither to be my date, nor my friend. I thought we'd become close during this past week, but maybe it was just all in my head." He says all in one breath, before getting to his feet.

"Wait, Theo." I call after him as he turns around to leave. He stops immediately, turning around to face me. "We have. We've become friends, and I really enjoy spending time with you. It's just that... I'm not in the best place for a romantic relationship."

"Because of the breakup with Jack?"

I wish...

Because my stupid heart is so full of my first and only love I don't think I'll ever be able to have space for someone other than him.

"Because of me," I confess honestly and when he holds my gaze with his big brown eyes, it feels like he understands.

***

The guilt is eating me up alive, so the next night I keep contemplating going with Theo as a friend,  a couple of times. I do.

I get dressed, I get undressed, and then dressed again, and I almost text him to send me the location of the party, but stop and decide to stick to my schedule and visit my babies I'm growing at his family graveyard instead.

For some reason, for some absurd stupid reason, it feels like I'll be cheating on Connor, even if I go with Theo only as a friend. I know I shouldn't think that, but I just can't help myself. We're not together, never have been, he's just used me and then he's tossed me aside for almost three weeks now.

So why in the world can't I let go of him and what we almost had? I have yet to understand that. 

For tonight, I feel content letting my feelings control my head and stick to my plans.

Darius is leaving for home tonight for Thanksgiving, so are Sydney and Jack. Sydney has been trying to make me join her family and go back home with her. We both knew I couldn't. If I went back to our hometown, I'd have to keep face and go home for the holiday. A place where I've not been welcome for years now.

Instead, I promised her and Darius that I'd only check on the flowers today, do some easy work around the place, and then go back home and celebrate the holiday on my couch.

I don't change to something more comfortable either, just throw a long burgundy coat over the little black dress I chose when I was thinking about going to the party, slip into a pair of black knee-high boots with stiletto heels, fill my shoulder bag with all the stuff I need and head out after one last look in the mirror.

I don't usually wear black or dark colors, but I couldn't resist the silky dress when I saw it. It's tight on my body, like a dream against my skin, making me feel sexy and confident. It ends a little above my knee, with a big slit on the left thigh, revealing pale skin. The semi-sweetheart neckline hugs me just right, teasing a glimpse of my collarbone and just enough to spark intrigue.

My dark waves fall past my shoulders, completed with natural make-up, that is brown eyeshadow, the same color of eyeliner and mascara, cool blush, and slightly burgundy lipstick with a natural finish. 

The whole look had that main character vibe, the make-up making my eyes pop and the dress hugging me in all the right places, so I found it hard to let it go, even though I don't have anywhere to be.

When I arrive at the castle, it's dark inside, even though it's only four. Theo's grandma has let us use the classic style and full-body candelabras, so we've filled the whole place with candles, using every one of the candle holders.

Some are taller than me, standing proudly around the common area, while short candelabras are all over the stage area, because me and Darius have been busy trying to renovate the few stairs leading there. Besides, it's the best place that serves as a couch.

After lighting up all the candles I make my way to the graveyard, checking the different types of red roses I'm growing for Anais. I check the stems, fertilizing all the bushes again, but skip watering them, since it's going to rain later today, anyway.

Just when I finish with the last bush, the sky suddenly lights up with lightning, thunder seemingly shaking the earth, and after a second or two, cold drops of rain start to fall down from the sky in buckets.

I break into a run, back to the castle, and lock the door from the inside once I'm in. My hair and coat are soaked, making me tremble, so I quickly take my coat off, finding refuge near the candles. It's not as cold as it was when we first found this place, all the heat from the candles now warming up the place.

I check through one of the windows, and Jesus, it's crazy outside. It will probably be like this for at least half an hour, and I'm not suicidal to climb down the hill in my heels. I don't want to catch a pneumonia, or slip and break a leg, thank you very much.

Rummaging through our 'box with the extension charm' (that's how Darius has named the useful box we've been keeping here), I snatch two afghans, covering myself with one, the thicker one spreading on the wooden stage and laying on it on my stomach. I grab my sketchbook and pencils from my bag next to me and decide to kill some time until the rain stops.

At least that's what I intend to do, but slowly, like candlewax, I start to melt into the bottomless kingdom of dreamless sleep. One I haven't visited for weeks now.

***

Can the storm physically break the huge wooden door of the castle?

It's the first thought I have when my mind and body are jerked out of sleep because of loud banging. I sit up, rubbing my eyes sleepily, before taking in my surroundings.

I'm still in the castle, surrounded by candles and the wind and raindrops still abusing the windows. Except now, it's dark outside.

Damn it!

My sketchbook is next to me with my pencels spread here and there, and when my eyes land on the page I've been working on, I gasp.

"Urgh," I growl as a pair of very familiar eyes glare at me from the page, but I don't have time to dwell on it, since the pounding on the door fills the silence again, making me realize it wasn't just a special effect in my dream.

Goosebumps run down my spine, as the reality starts to sink in for the first time. I'm locked inside an empty castle near a cemetery, at night, with someone or several ones, trying to break in.

"Oh my God," I whisper under my breath, fear making my heart race.

"Please, don't let me die like this," I start to convince God out loud. "I've been good my whole life. I don't deserve to die here and now by the hands of a ghost or a murderer no less. I still have so much to do, most of them good, I promise. Don't let me be possessed either. Pretty pease?"

As if to answer my pleas, thunder strikes again.

I growl, before blowing the candles on one candelabra, taking them out of it, and grabbing the heavy silver thing with both hands. I take off my boots too, tiptoeing to the door in my socks, ready to bolt if needed.

I hold my breath, the candelabra gripped above my head with both hands, and wait for any sign. Maybe it's Darius, or Sydney? Maybe one of them decided not to go. Or... or it could be Theo.

My God, no one is that crazy to be here at night.

Just me.

So I'm definitely dying tonight.

I take a step closer to the door, and that's when the actual horror and surprise hit me.

I hear his voice, Trouble's, calling for me as he tries to break the door.

"You have to be here, you have to... Sky, open the damn door. Sky!" He shouts, his voice a barely audible growl muted by the sound of the rain and thunder.

Without thinking, I unlock the door and throw it open, my eyes wide and with a stunned expression on my face.

I don't even get a chance to take a good look at him, to satisfy and calm down my heart that's been missing him so much, when suddenly, I'm pulled toward him by one hand, the candelabra dropping on the floor with a loud bang.

Two rough hands cup my face.

"You're okay, fuck, you're okay," Trouble mumbles to himself as if in a trance, eyes roaming all over my face and body, hands running down my arms, checking me everywhere. "You're okay," he says one last time before his eyes meet mine and he realizes what he's doing.

He frees me fast as lighting, taking a step back and stepping outside again.

I freeze, staring blankly at the face I expected to break my door the least. More so, drenched to the bone as if he's been running in this storm to get to me.

The bomber jacket he is wearing has added even more to his built shoulders, it's slightly oversized, the kind that manages to look effortlessly cool and hot on him.

Beneath the jacket he has a charcoal-gray hoodie, the dip of his collarbone barely visible where the fabric hangs loose at the neck.

His hands are tucked into the pockets of his black sweats, his posture loose but far from indifferent. There is an energy about him, a quiet confidence that makes him seem like he owns any space without trying to.

The outfit is simple, monochrome and muted, and yet on him, it feels deliberate, almost impossibly perfect.

The candlelight from the inside hits his face, highlighting the sharpness of his cheekbones. His hair, dark as the night, wet and slightly tousled, fall perfectly into place, brushing against his forehead with a kind of casual perfection that seems almost unfair.

But it is his expression that pulls me in—a mix of quiet intensity, anger, and something feral. His gaze holds something unspoken, something I can't quite name but desperately want to understand.

It takes me a minute to grasp he's real and not a fragment of my imagination, and once I do, I rash to shut the door on his face.

How dare he show up here and make it his territory in my brain? How dare he make me think about him at the door every time I'll come here from now on?

He's fast to grab the door with one hand, push it open, step in, and close it after him.

Realizing, that I can't physically push him out the door anymore, because he's a huge freaking rock while I'm just a tiny bee that never works out, I decide to ignore him instead and walk back to my things laid down on the stage.

"What the hell is wrong with you? Why the fuck don't you pick up your phone when people call you?" He all but thunders behind me, hot on my heels.

I am dying to ask him what the hell he's doing here, but I hold my head high, starting to gather my things inside my bag.

"You don't get to barge in here and scold me."

"Why do you make everyone worry? Who the fuck are you to make me worry about you all the damn time, huh?" He goes on, ignoring me completely, as if he can't wait to get the words out of his chest.

A bitter chuckle escapes my lips.

"Cut the crap, Trouble. The game's over. You broke my heart, I found the castle. We're even. You can start your part of the deal right away, which is doing the hard work in our crazy timeframe. Better get to work now. I'll be leaving you to it, don't worry. Won't be bothering you anymore."

"Have you seen the weather, you fucking fool? You'll drop dead before you even make it back to your car."

Oh, I am a fool for trusting you with my heart again.

"It's better than sharing the same space with you. How did you even know I was here?"

"Darius has been trying to contact you for hours, I've been trying to get to you for hours because he told me you were missing."

I cross my arms, trying to ignore the pang of guilt that threatens to creep in.

"So? I was sleeping."

Connor's jaw tightens, his teeth clenched as if he is trying to restrain himself.

"Sleeping? Who in the world does that in a creepy castle, surrounded by gravestones, while it's storming outside? I thought you were dead, you fucking freak!" His voice cracks, just barely, but he covers it quickly, his fists curling at his sides. "Do you have any idea what it was like driving through this damn storm, thinking I might find you in a ditch somewhere?"

I swallow hard, refusing to let his worry soften me. He doesn't get to act like this. Not after what he's done to me.

"Don't pretend you wouldn't throw a farewell party, if you found me in pieces somewhere." I throw the words at him over my shoulder. "You can't come in here and act like my knight in shining armor when you're the one who—"

"Stop," he interrupts, stepping closer. His wet boots leave smudges on the floor, but I can't look away from the way his hands tremble slightly, whether from anger or the cold, I can't tell. "You think I don't care?" He exhales sharply, dragging a hand through his soaked hair. "I care more than I should, and it's driving me insane."

"You can't just—" I start, but my voice breaks, and I hate the way tears sting my eyes. "You left. You left me. But I won't let you do it to me again. You don't get to keep breaking my heart, I won't let you."

"Look at me when you're talking to me." He commands, grabbing my arm and pulling at it.

"I don't want to." I turn my head away. "I won't, you asshole. So leave me alone!" I try to pass him but he grabs me by the waist this time, pulling me back to him with both hands and caging me against the wall.

"Because you're back with the fucker, aren't you?" When I look up at him stunned, he has his head cocked to the right to look me in the eye with a mocking glare. "After coming all over my fingers you decided to take the motherfucker back, didn't you?  I saw your photo with him. Was it before or after you texted me how you'd taste on my tongue? Are you back with him, Mia? After all the cheating he's done?"

"How are you different from him?" My heart is racing because he's so close, because his hands hold me so dearly, with so much familiarity. And yet, my brain can't believe the things he's saying. He really doesn't know my heart, does he?

"Oh, you know I'm different." A smirk crosses his face, and I can't decide if I want to kiss it or punch it off his face.

"Yeah, because you only sleep with Italians, right?" I stare him dead in the eyes. "Let me go!"

"You've been listening to rumors, I see."

"Kind of hard not to when everyone is talking about it."

"Heard some myself too. Tell me, did you let him taste that cinnamon on your lips because I wasn't there? Did you use me to get back at him? Were you going to see him dressed like this in the middle of the night? Tell me this dress is for him, so I can rip it off of you."

"It's never about him, you prick!" I punch him on the shoulder, push at his chest to get rid of his touch and scent even though I crave it on me like crazy. "It's always about you, and yet you never see it! I'm not back with anyone!"

"You were smiling to your ears while sitting next to your fucking ex at that damned coffee date."

Realization starts to slowly think in. No way... He couldn't have, right?

"That's why you did this to me?" I gasp. "Because you thought I got back with him? I didn't even know he'd be there! And what you saw is just a photo Sydney posted online of the three of us as friends."

"Stop lying to me! Just fucking stop!"

"Why do you always think the worst of me? Why Connor?"

"Because you fucking replaced me with him, that's why, Mia."

"I never did! But you know what? I can't do this anymore. I'm done trying to prove you the opposite. Done chasing something that's so toxic and broken."

"You'll never be done with me." He whispers, forehead pressed against mine, his lips touching mine when he speaks. His hands are gripping my flesh, making me stand on my toes, and press myself against him instinctively. "Not until I say so."

"You're crazy." I whsiper, intoxicated.

"Whose fault is that, Little Monster? You drive me fucking crazy. I can't think straight with you in my head all the time. I fly oceans away from you just to physically get you out of my sight, and still you manage to crawl under my skin and screw with my brain... you still have no idea, do you?"

I just stare at him, having no idea what he's saying.

He reaches out, hesitating for a moment before his hand gently cups my cheek, his touch warm despite the chill from the rain.

"I saw you that day..." he says, his voice barely above a whisper. "Saw you kissing him that day, 4 years ago, in front of your door. I came back for you, just like I promised I would, and all I got was my heart broken. There you were kissing that fucking boyfriend of yours while I've been saving all my firsts for you, while I've been trying everything I could under the moon to get to you."

For a moment, I can't speak. The weight of his words, the raw emotion in his eyes...

"What are you talking about, Connor?" I whisper slowly, carefully.

"Loved the pink fancy dress you wore for him. Even though I saw you sucking faces with him at your door before you went inside. Is that why you found it so easy to let go of me? Because you found a fucking boyfriend, so you didn't need me anymore? Was that the reason? Was he the reason?"

"Wait a minute," I mumble before all the hints he's given me so far start to come together. "No... no... oh my God. This can't be true. You...were there? You came back for me..." I whisper out loud, feeling myself on the edge of breaking down.

"I wish I never did." His voice is pained, raw, honest.

"Oh my God, you were there." I gasp, closing my mouth with a hand. "Why didn't you tell me? I hate you so much. I hate you so much!" I cry out before pushing him off and away from me. All this time we were circling around each other, without the other knowing it ...  "If only you told me! If only you talked to me that day, Connor!"

"It doesn't matter now. It wouldn't have changed a thing." He says stepping back and swallowing.

Without his hands around me, I feel so scared, so alone to face the reality.

"It would have changed everything, you asshole!" I scream, before my feet give out and I drop on the ground with loud sobs. "Oh God, what have we done?"

~***~
Author's Note

Hey guys, still sick and it's very late in my country, so the AN will be short. Just wanna say thanks for the insane support you've showed for this story. Please continue voting and supporting it with comments (Even if I drop dead because of this virus).

Anyway, I'll try to update every Monday, so look forward to more chapters. Some of you got me into this deal so I'll try to keep my word.

Ps since it was Kai's and my birthday month, I've added a special chapter to Midnight Memories, go check it out if you haven't yet.

PS2 the chapter is not proofread because I can barely see the screen. Will check it out once I feel better!

Much love! Night