[Morning Bride]: I have lost all

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

Mia 1, Connor 3

A kid was on his tiptoes, his hands clenching the sides of the vintage chic crib, staring at the baby inside. He was watching her sleep soundlessly as if he'd never seen a baby before, and really, he couldn't recall seeing one from up close.

For him, she was like a baby toy that came with its stuff in one package - some dresses, a milk bottle, and yada yada, that he never liked to play with, except now he couldn't wait for her to wake up.

He kept watching her suck on her thumb and at one point she almost eat her whole tiny little fist. He couldn't decide whether it was cute or scary. Did he do this too when he was just one?

"Connor, baby," he heard a voice behind him and started to turn around reluctantly. He didn't want to miss the moment she opened her eyes.

It was his mother, tall like a model, way younger than his Father, and stunning. She was dressed in her favorite color - pink, her blond hair resting on her shoulders, her red lips turned into a smile, though her green eyes, similar to his, looked... bored. She called him over to her in a whisper and a delicate move of her hand.

"We need to leave. Let's go and say bye to Sophie." His mother said lazily, making him shake his head no and pout unhappily.

He really wanted to see the baby wake up. It was his first time seeing her and he was so excited... unlike her, who'd been sleeping FOR HOURS!

"Nooo, I want to see."

"What?" His Mother asked confused but didn't even give him time to answer. "Come on, she's not going to wake up any time soon, and we need to go get some new clothes to drive your Daddy crazy."

"Mommy, no! I want to play. She so little."

"We'll visit tomorrow, too, Connor. She's not going to go anywhere, come." His mother encouraged him over with a smile, but he was too stubborn to comply.

He'd been waiting for her to wake up for three hours already. How could she sleep so much? Maybe that's why she had fat pink cheeks and sausage fingers.

"No!" He said again stubbornly, and as if on cue he heard the baby stir behind him.

Turning around he faced two big brown eyes staring back at him. For a second it felt like the baby was not even breathing. She was just staring at him with giant eyes and pouting lips, studying the foreign face next to her bed.

Connor kept looking at her too, ignoring his mother's scolding. After a second or two, he decided to give her a smile. However, the second his lips turned into a huge friendly grin, hers opened in a terrific shriek.

He stepped back from her, his eyes wide and surprised, as she kept screaming her lungs out. What was her deal, he wondered.

Was she screaming at HIM? Why? He didn't even do anything.

Even when her mother entered the room and started to calm her down, she was still looking at him and crying, her voice echoing in the whole house. Connor took a step back closer to his own mother, now a little annoyed too.

What in the world had he done to her for her to act like that?

He had planned so many games he wanted to play with her, but she wouldn't even give him a smile, would she?

As his mother started to push him out of the room, he threw a quick glare at her.

The words his father usually used to say about him suddenly made sense, as he kept staring at her.

She was going to be so much trouble when she grew up...that little beautiful monster.

Mia 17, Connor 19

My worst nightmare is the happiest day of my life...

It was two days after my 13th birthday. I skipped school that Friday because Mom was taking me to the amusement park.

I was still moody, angry at Connor's parents for the divorce, because it took Connor away from me. He'd been living in LA for almost a year then, and I still didn't have friends, because I chose not to, so I was lonely. 

We were celebrating my birthday late, because on June 13- my birthday, my Mom was in London. She had an urgent project presentation there and she couldn't fly back home.

But no matter anything, we had the craziest day together. It's still my best day ever, it'll always be my worst day ever.

We rode every rollercoaster that day, stuffed our faces with ice cream and Jelly-O's and cotton candy. We roamed around the city, checking every flower shop and park on our way.

We did sketches together, took pictures in front of our favorite architectural buildings, and laughed so much I could feel my tummy hurting.

Later that evening Mom was taking me to a pizza place she'd discovered, convincing me to try pepperoni as she drove.

I could never bring myself to have it because I didn't like the way it looked or smelled. I hated it without trying it in the first place, and Mom was telling me how good it actually tasted there.

We were passing a green light, with Mom laughing at my pouting face when a truck crashed into us. Later, I'd find out that the driver was drunk.

When I woke up in the hospital 2 days later with a broken arm and a splinted forehead, I could feel that something was wrong.

I knew something was missing. A great piece of me was suddenly gone. I could feel that she was gone.

And when my father couldn't bring himself to look at me even for a second, I knew once and for all...

My Mom was dead, while I survived.

And that was the last time my father looked at me, really looked at me.

And now, as Connor keeps speeding up, ignoring all signs and red lights, nearly bumping on every car, I can hear myself screaming with my whole heart.

My heart is in pieces as all my nightmares about the accident with mom come back, making me clench my fists and breathe heavily between my desperate cries.

But it looks like Connor can't even hear me. His eyes are fixed on the road and he doesn't give a crap about my panic attack.

"Stop the car, Connor!" I scream for the hundredth time, as tears roll down my eyes.

I close my eyes praying all of this will stop soon.

Please make it stop, please let me out.

Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!

Mom's car is flying in the air before hitting the ground upside down. There's a loud noise that blows my mind up.

Everything is so clear, so real, so...

I want to throw up.

There's blood everywhere in the car, shattered glass, and smoke. It's hard to stay awake, it's so hard to breathe.

Mom's holding my hand tightly, whispering that she loves me, telling me not to fall asleep until the help arrives.

"Stay with me," she says, and her voice is so far away. "Stay awake for me, Mia."

I see myself too like I'm watching the accident from outside of the car. And I can't do anything to save us.

"STOP THE CAR!" I open my eyes and scream, collecting all my breath, and for the first time since Connor has started driving, I feel his eyes on me before the car comes to an immediate stop.

We're not fully parked when I burst out like a hysterical firework.

I need to get out, I need to get away from this car.

My whole body is shaking as I crawl away from the car. I can't see anything, I can't hear anything, except the sound of endless crashing and glass breaking ringing in my ears.

My fingers dig into the grass, as I try to grab onto something real.

With my whole body on fire and my heart racing, I try to cite all the things that make me happy.

Flowers, landscapes, and purple sunsets. 

Mom.. mom...

I feel tears run down my face as I shatter, but I don't stop.

Ballet, Chandler Bing, and baby blue.

Everything is a blur around me, I'm falling down the bottomless rabbit hole and there's no way out of this.

Suddenly I feel a pair of hands grab my face and tilt my head up.

A pair of familiar green eyes stare back at me through the haze, and I hear a voice from somewhere far away. It sounds so familiar, but I just can't reach it. The voice is so close, but I'm so far away.

"The smell of fresh grass, the wind in your hair... sunshine." The masculine voice says and I repeat it in my head. "Warm bread, ice cream in winter, Acheron river..."

He keeps holding my head in his hands and wiping away my tears with his thumbs, as he names all the things he knows I love.

I don't know how long my breakdown lasts, as I keep looking into those green eyes and repeating every word he says.

But once the loud banging in my head turns quiet, I feel my tears stop. Everything around me comes into focus and suddenly I realize that it's Connor. It's been Connor reciting the things that I love out loud. The Connor that did this to me. It's been Connor all along.

"Mia?" I hear him say, his voice more clear now, as he searches my eyes for something.

I push him away from me with a strong force, and he falls back because he's not been expecting it.

Not caring about my dress or anything, I crawl backward, my back hitting the side of the car, putting distance between us.

I'm still trembling as I bring my knees against my chest, in a weak attempt to even my shallow breathing.

Connor is staring at me, acting all confused and surprised, as if he didn't want to do this to me on purpose. As if he doesn't know what this is about.

I bet he does. I bet inside he's laughing at me right now. Celebrating his victory for this round. Laughing at the freak show he's just witnessed.

"Mia..." He starts to get closer to me, but I wrap my arms around myself and press my body further against his car.

"Get away from me!" I scream at him and for a second, when his green eyes soften, it feels like... like he cares.

He takes a deep breath, before closing his eyes for a second. When he opens them again, they are colder.

"I didn't know you were scared. Why didn't you say anything?" He snaps almost accusingly.

"What?" My voice comes out in a whisper. "Are you fucking kidding me, Connor?" I slowly raise to my feet, using the side of the car for support. "I was screaming for you to stop, but like the high-class asshole that you are, you didn't care."

It's his turn to furrow his brows confused, and stare at me as if he has no idea what I'm saying.

"Mia..." he starts, his voice as calm as ever. It makes me want to kill him. "You were silent during the whole ride."

"Wh-what?" I stutter, now fully on my feet. How could I...?

I turn my head back to look at his car parked on the side of the road, trying to figure out the words he's saying, and that's when I start to slowly realize.

I was paralyzed.

I was screaming in my head the whole time.

New tears start to form in the back of my eyes, but I'm fast enough to turn away from him, and not show him my weakness again.

Because really, enough is enough.

Once I'm fully on my shaky feet, I start to walk away in the opposite direction from where he's standing, even though I don't have the slightest clue as to where we are.

I start to look around to control the sobs that are choking me inside because I don't want him to see how broken I can be now.

There's nothing around us except the road, the endless fucking road, a range of trees and cars moving like restless loud bees.

I realize I only manage to take a couple of steps when he grabs me by the wrist and turns my body around to face him. Exhausted from my hysteria and angry at what he's just done to me, I push against his chest with a force.

"Don't you ever touch me again!" I shout at his face, getting rid of his electric touch. My whole body is aching to punch him, and I hope he can see that in my eyes as clear as day.

"Tell me you're okay," he says unfazed but doesn't make a move to touch me again.

"Why? Because you fucking care? Don't kid yourself, Connor. All you care about is your damn ego!"

"Explain what's just happened." He demands, ignoring me as if he can't even hear me. His green eyes though are caging me in and I can't get away from those.

"Oh, please! As if you don't know."

"I don't know shit, so fucking tell me!"

"Liar!" I scream and punch his chest again, which turns out to be a huge mistake.

He grabs my wrist and pulls me closer to him. I use my other hand to punch him in the face this time, but he blocks that two. He pulls my whole body flash against him, my hands now resting on his chest, caged by his fingers around them.

I yank against his hold of my wrists the whole time, fighting him. But it's no use. He tightens his hold on me instead.

"What happened?" He asks again, with a hard stare and I can feel his minty breath brush the top of my head. The distance between our bodies is nonexistent and if I'm being honest, I'd kiss him right now if my state of mind wasn't shitty. "What's happened to you?"

I stare up at him, my chin tilted up, refusing to say a single word, because if I do, I will cry again.

"Is it that asshole? Did he do something to you? Fucking talk, Mia!" He growls but when I refuse to answer again, just keep staring at him with a stoic face, he changes his tactics.

His eyes turn warmer than I've seen them since he's been back in my life and when he utters the whispered "Please"... I. BREAK, even though I know it's a mistake.

I break because it's him.

The Connor I've been looking for all this time, even when he was in front of me. The Connor I wanted to tell all about the years we've been apart. The Connor I've been waiting for. 

Because Connor Black is that void that's never been filled by anyone.

The look in his eyes remains confused and warm, as the tears start to run down my eyes again. He swears under his breath and grabs my face into his hands gently as if I'm made of a cloud.

With him brushing his thumbs under my eyes like this, I choke the words out with a cry.

''M-Mom and I were in an accident. She- she died. I survived. A drunk driver hit us, we-we flipped over. She's g-gone, Connor. She's gone, and I survived."

I see his eyes darken for a second as his mind starts to process it. He nods still confused, probably just to make me relax, and it's obvious he didn't know this. But how?

Didn't his aunt tell them?

Didn't his father know? I'm pretty sure he called my own later one day to apologize for not being able to make it to the funeral. I'm pretty sure his father knew it. I thought he'd tell Connor.

I thought Connor had heard the news after our call but was too hurt to contact me.

"I'm so fucking sorry. So sorry. I-I didn't know, Sky. I had no idea. I'm so sorry about Sophie." He says his voice a whisper, as he keeps running his thumbs under my eyes to remove the tears.

Anger, sadness, sorrow, hurt... his eyes hold so many emotions as they stare into my soul.

The gesture and the way he'd said the name only he's allowed to, makes me cry harder.

"Fuck, don't cry. Don't cry," He mumbles confused as if he doesn't know what he should do to stop this. "I don't know what to do when you're like this," I hear him admit under his breath as his knuckles stroke my cheeks.

I realize he's let my wrists go, but I haven't done anything to pull away from him.

"Holding me would do," I say wiping my eyes with my fingers now, not expecting him to do anything about it, really.

But then, he does.

He wraps his arms around me, and when my head rests against his heart, he shields me from all the noise.

***

Later, as we drive back he doesn't talk to me the whole time, and to say it's awkward as hell is to say nothing at all. His eyes are on the road, and even when I ask him a question, he gives me one-word answers. Honestly, I preferred it more when he just kept talking bullshit on our ride out of the school.

The whole ride back he's as silent as the radio he never plays, well save for the monstrous growls my stomach produces. Oh-oh, that reminds me.

I turn the radio on myself to murder the silence with music, or well... mostly the sound of my belly. Shoot, I think to myself, I should have eaten something during our lunch, but I found myself under the willow tree instead, sketching an imaginary secret garden in the school backyard.

The radio plays only for a second, and I think I hear Sia's voice before it's gone altogether. I turn my head and give Connor a long glare, but he doesn't even throw a quick glance at me. He keeps driving as if he can't get rid of me fast enough.

Although I've gotta give it to him, he's driving slowly now. Waaaaay too slowly.

My hand is about to reach out and turn the radio on again when his voice stops me.

"That shit is going to stay silent." He says not looking at me.

"Can't you sense the awkward silence, or are the voices in your head too loud already?"

"If you don't like it, I can drop you off here anytime. Just say the magic word."

I look out of the window to see we haven't even reached civilization yet. No one would pick me up from this highway. I turn my head to him and give his distracting side profile another glare.

God, he's as tempting as sin.

"Asshole," I mumble.

"Wrong. That just makes me want to throw you out of the window while driving."

"Prick." I mouth silently as I punch the air silently, imagining it's his pretty face.

"I saw that." He says, looking at me out of the corner of his eye and scowling.

You annoy me more, Connor, trust me.

"You were supposed to," I sing under my breath, before slowly flipping him the bird. "Can you see this too?"

Connor furrows his brows as his eyes land on me for a short second. I expect him to flip me off in return, but he just shakes his head at me, mumbling "You're fucking crazy."

Well, at least now he's talking. So I just keep pushing for more - more of his words, attention, and green eyes on me. More, because I'm a fangirl that can't get enough.

"So you won't let me turn the radio on?" My voice is too unconcerned with the matter even for my ears. I just don't care about the radio anymore.

"Not a chance."

"Are we just supposed to drive without even breathing?" I snap, folding my arms against my chest.

"What the hell are you talking about? I'm as comfortable as ever."

"Yeah, because you're Connor Black," I add, rolling my eyes at him.

"Because I'm Connor Black," he repeats, the corner of his mouth turning up in a smirk.

My eyes narrow at his profile, as he leans back in his seat, one hand on the wheel, the other running through his hair mindlessly. The gesture makes me want to reach out and do it myself, see how his hair would feel between my fingers. I bet it's soft, I bet it's addictive.

I take in all his features, his straight nose, dark hair those high cheekbones, and long lashes, his Connor apple. I chuckle to myself, thinking about Joe Tribiany calling Adam's apple Joe's apple, and Chandler telling him that "no, it isn't called after every individual". That was a funny scene.

My eyes catch Connor, looking at me sideways and frowning at my stare, his green eyes taking my breath way.

What am I going to do now with this... with this... grgeous, gorgeous prick?