[Orange Lily]: I hate you but I love you

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"I'll have to think about it for now, but don't worry your pretty little head about it. It won't be anything scandalous... well, at least not too much."

My eyes stop visually assaulting his lips which turn into a vicious smirk, as he thinks I'd not be brave enough to take him up on that.

Oh, Connor, Connor. Have you really forgotten your best friend? Or does he remember me and is that why he's tempting me?

Now, I might look tiny and harmless, but I'm pretty damn up to anything. My only fear is my mind, the rest is irrelevant.

My lips mirror his, as I smile back at him with the same cynical expression on my face.

"You've got yourself a deal," I hold my hand up to shake on it and he reaches for it all the while holding my gaze.

The second our skins touch I feel goosebumps form on my fingertips and run down all over my body to the very pit of my stomach.

I wonder how it would feel like to have the same burning touch of his all over my body, not just on my hand.

We hold eyes as we shake hands and I'm about to pull away to not sweat from the intensity of it all when suddenly he tightens his hold and pulls me toward him. I let out a surprised yelp, finding my upper body leaning over the table.

"Hey," I hear Darius' voice but neither he nor I have time to do or say anything because Connor leans in to whisper in my ear, so only I can hear him.

"You're done for, Little Monster," he says in a low, deep voice before letting go of my hand and sitting back.

"We'll see, Trouble," I say in return, leaning back in mine and shooting daggers at him with my eyes.

"What's up with you two?" Darius asks, staring between us and narrowing his eyes on Connor.

I shake my head at him with a playful shrug to let him know it's nothing.

"Doesn't concern you," Connor replies for both of us, not even looking at him. Instead, he keeps staring at my plaster, and then my neck which I'm pretty sure has gone red because of my flustered state, before his eyes slowly trail down and rest on my sky-blue sketchbook.

He rolls his eyes for some reason before clenching his jaw.

"I assume you two already have some drafts for the possible project," Connor says kind of surprising both Darius and me.

"We do," Darius answers and we start to tell and show him more of what we'd come up with in around 30 minutes, along with the sketches we've done in my sketchbook. He listens carefully, paying attention to every detail and asking follow-up questions.

Every question, comment, and suggestion is so professional and high lever I want to pull his handsome face down to kiss him senseless. He's good, he's better than good, it feels like he's already worked as a professional architect for years now. He says and asks things we've never taken into consideration and I find it hard to not gawk at him in astonishment.

At some point, he tells us he knows a place we can use in case, and he stresses the next part, I lose the bet. I stress that I won't even if I have to die or beg for it. Then he mindlessly slides my sketchbook toward him over the table and it's so unexpected for me I don't even have time to stop him. Instead panic rises inside me because that sketchbook right there is also full of him.

Inside, I've drawn his fingers and the shape of his mouth when he's smirking, his deep and glaring green eyes and the smoke of his joint and the birthmark under his eye and the bleeding wound on his side. They are vague sketches but I'm scared he'll know it's him.

Luckily he just opens the back of my sketchbook, grabs one of my 6H pencils, and starts to sketch mindlessly as he tells us more about the place.

Of course, it's an old greenhouse, the place he has his eye on. And he knows the place in full detail, the secret ins and outs, the foundation and its depth, the dome, what's it made of, and so on. It feels like he's spent a lot of time studying it. And all because he wants to use it in the future and turn it into his own project since the location is great. So typical of him to destroy it and build something modern in its place.

I don't complain about it though, because I'm going to find the place for our main project whatever it takes and this just now makes me even more determined.

Instead, my eyes keep following the swift and expert movements of his fingers. I'm surprised he lets me watch him do it, but it's probably because he's not paying attention to it as he is all engrossed in talking about the greenhouse project.

His long, male, and artistic fingers are creating a dome-like building with different-sized round windows on the ceiling like some spots, then adding bubble-like arcs and passages through rooms. Even though it's a rough draft, it already looks like a masterpiece.

Connor's a lefty and it comes as a nostalgia as I study him. He's no longer the kid sketching buildings in my mom's office so his parents couldn't see it. He's a grown man with confident strokes, knowing exactly how to move the pencil to get the right angle, lighting, or dimension.

In the back of my mind, I can hear Darius ask him questions about the greenhouse, and I make a mental note to myself to really, REALLY pay attention to him sometime soon. Maybe when Connor's gone? Right! I'll be able to concentrate more without having Connor so dangerously close.

"What's up, Trouble?" A melodic voice interrupts Darius as he tells us about the last project he worked on, making all of us look up.

A girl is standing next to Connor's seat, with a beautiful face and a hot, obviously trained body. Her purple hair reach her waist, slightly longer than mine, while her big blue eyes stare down at Connor with a kind of hooded stare that makes her desire for him obvious.

Connor nods at her in acknowledgment and knowing him, he probably doesn't know her. Maybe he does know her but not her name, because if they were friends or acquaintances, I'm pretty sure he'd just utter her name in acknowledgment. That's what I have noticed him do with the people he hangs out with. Oh boy, do I spend insane amount of time watching him.

"I was wondering if you were free this Friday. There'll be a Halloween party at my house, so I wanted to invite you over. Maybe we could hang out on our own as well?" The girl gets to the point without even introducing herself or caring to pay any attention to me or Darius.

I mean, there are three freaking people sitting at the table, and her manners have certainly left the chat.

Although I don't dwell on it, because my heart is suddenly racing, more so when the tip of the girl's tongue picks out and touches her upper lip, as her eyes travel down to Connor's body and rest past his waistline as if she can already see him naked.

Just the thought of another girl touching him makes me clench my hands on the bench. The same nausea I felt when I saw him with the ballerina girl the last time, rises to my throat, making it hard for me to breathe.

Logically, I know that I don't have any ownership over him. I haven't had it for years, since his last call that still gives me nightmares until now.

Besides, I have a boyfriend. Even if Jack knows about my nonexistent romantic interest in him, we still kiss, though it never gets to a make-out session or sex. So believe me I know that Connor's not mine, and that I'm with Jack, but still, it doesn't mean my heart is not bleeding.

It's like I'm back in my room after my mother's death, needing my best friend, needing my first love to be next to me, to make me forget my pain in his arms and just tell me I'll be okay. But he's out there being happy without me, replacing me, forgetting me... losing me.

Connor looks bored for a second, but turns predatory when his eyes rest on my face. I shift in my seat and turn my gaze to Darius for a second, to not let Connor get a pick at my emotions through my eyes, but I'm too late.

In that short instance I see his eyes already glowing with cruelty, with determination to prove to both me and himself that I don't matter.

"What's your name?" Connor asks, pinching the tip of his nose, and I can physically feel his eyes leave me.

"You can call me Eve," I hear her say but don't turn to watch them, finally finding the will to concentrate on Darius.

Luckily he's not paying them attention either, just shrugs, his eyes on me, and starts to keep me busy with small talk about our own old projects.

"I'm actually working on one right now. I want to make it my final project for the year and score a high grade to be able to choose landscape." I tell him, doing everything in my power not to turn to Connor and the girl.

At this point, I might as well have glued my eyes to Darius' face. Even so, I can hear the girl give Connor more details about the party, like the time, her address, and who else will be there (apparently Connor's twin friends).

"I hope you're up for some very, very wild fun," she is saying.

"We could start training now." Connor suggest with a dry voice and I have no idea what he means until I turn to them and catch her sitting on his knee.

My jaw drops open in disbelief even though I was expecting him to do something like this. Of course, he'd not disappoint me. After all, he has to make sure I get the message that the other night was nothing special for him. He has to make himself believe it.

"What the hell?" Darius mumbles under his breath, staring at them.

The girl giggles, turning her face sideways to whisper in Connor's ear, so only he can hear it and I almost vomit. Such a jerk, he's such a jerk.

I was surprised he could carry a civil conversation with me without pulling something or trying to make me feel like shit.

He proves his point by resting his hands on the girl's toned waist that shows because of her crop top, but just like the last time all the while he's holding my murdering gaze over her head.

"You know, Trouble, we're still not done discussing the alternatives." Darius reminds him.

"Then talk," he responds, before leaning forward with the girl still all over him and grabbing my pencil and sketchbook again, probably intending to continue sketching. My violent stare catches the girl's hand running across his chest, and just when it starts to descend lower, I snap.

That's it!

That's freaking it!

I jump to my feet, trying to control my furious thoughts and breathing, and close my sketchbook shut with a loud thud, pulling it roughly out of his grip. I snatch my pencil next before carelessly pushing them into my bag.

He doesn't deserve to touch my holly sketchbook anymore. And once I get home he'll be gone from inside of it as well.

"Actually, I have to go." I turn away from Connor and face Darius with an apologetic glance, before I punch my childhood best friend. "Obviously our project mate is busy and I have prior engagement. Let's continue this another time. Meanwhile, I will try to find a suitable place and text you in the group chat." I nod to nothing and no one in particular, before throwing a quick "see you around", grabbing my almost empty cup of coffee, and running away from Connor's haunting stare.

He's so goddamn cruel, doing this to me after playing my feelings like that. I know what he's playing at, but still it doesn't make it less painful. He thinks I'm attracted to him like any other girl that he sleeps him, but he's so wrong. So wrong.

I'm not just attracted to him, because I know him. Not just his body, but soul too and I know he's still in there somewhere and I want him to show it to me.

I'm not stupid enough to think about fixing or changing him, I'm certainly not that type. It's just that, his dark side... it's calling to me, and I want to be the only one to see it. I want all of him with the good and the bad.

Rather than fixing him, I want to tame him and in return, let him consume me.

For a second I wonder what he would do if I turned right back around and told him the truth about everything.

What would he say if I told him he abandoned me first without even realizing it?

Would he hate me less if I told him he hurt me more than I probably hurt him. Because while he had someone to comfort him, something to be happy about, I was utterly alone and abandoned by the people I loved most - my mother, next my father and then finally him.

But what if he is right? What if it's just pent-up tension and desire? What if... what if what I'm feeling for him now is not as deep as it used to be, after all, he's now a completely different person from before.

I have no recollection of how I cross the backyard, fly through the doors, and seek out Jack. But before I know it I'm practically running to him as I find him in the gym, playing basketball with his friends.

"Hey, beautiful," he calls out when he sees me making my way to him, but I don't answer, instead I grab his hand leading him to the exit.

"Mia, what's wrong? Everything okay?" Jack asks but I don't give him time to continue. I drag him inside the bathroom near the changing rooms before locking the door and turning to him.

Dropping my bag and now empty coffee cup on the vanity I wrap my hands around his neck and pulling him down to me, crush my lips against his.

Maybe being with Jack can make it all disappear and finally give me the answers I need.

The moment our lips touch all protest dies in Jack's mouth, and he starts kissing me with all he's got.

His lips are warm against mine, familiar, yet so wrong but it's because of me. So I kiss him harder, closing my eyes, pretending I'm not testing myself.

My hands wrap around his neck, while his rest on my waist. His fingers trace my skin over the waistband of my skirt, before sneaking lower and wrapping around my thighs.

He lifts me easily, sitting me down on the vanity and wrapping my legs around his waist. My jean skirt makes it uncomfortable to keep my legs open but I don't take a minute to think about it. All I need right now is to make Connor leave my head and heart.

"Baby," Jack moans, starting to move his hands more boldly, desperately, pulling me against him, grinding his obvious erection against my stomach.

But I don't feel like I'm a burning sensation, his lips are skilled, but even if they are on mine, they don't make me shiver, his hold on me doesn't make me want to burn. He doesn't make me want to dive deeper inside his soul and tattoo my name there so he can never go a minute without me.

His touch is too gentle, his lips too careful, too slow. He's not rough enough, he's not craving me with enough abandon, he's not... he's not Connor.

Jack's lips move from my lips to my neck and I shiver for another reason: my eyes catch myself in the full mirror right in front of me and I almost shutter. The plaster on my jaw reminds me of everything I'm trying to forget. It reminds me who my body and soul long for even if I might want to forget him right now.

I realize I'm using Jack to test my feelings for Connor and I feel disgusted by myself. Jack doesn't deserve it. He just doesn't.

In the mirror I see a messed up girl staring back at me, frozen and cold, as her boyfriend tags down her blouse, revealing her light purple bra, touching her chest, bending and kissing it, but I don't feel any of it. I don't feel like I'm that girl, I don't want to be that girl.

I want to have someone else leave their mark on me, dig their fingers inside my flash, call me Sky and whisper in my ear that they want to be the only one to touch me. That they intend to ruin me for everyone else.

"Mia?" I hear Jack's voice in the distance, making me snap out of it and turn my gaze away from the girl in the mirror.

When I look up I see Jack's calm and beautiful eyes staring at me confused.

"Why are you..." he starts saying, capturing my face in both hands and brushing his thumbs under my eyes.

That's when I realize I'm crying.

A sob breaks from my chest, as I wrap my arms around my friend, around my boyfriend, and cry because of what I have just done.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Jack. I'm so sorry." I keep saying it over and over again, and even though he's still confused, he wraps his arms around me too.

"What's going on, Mia? Why are you sorry? I thought you wanted this... Did I go too far, I know we've never done this before, but I tho_"

"No, no, please, don't think you did anything wrong." I cut him off in between my sobs. "You're perfect Jack. Too perfect. Too good to me."

"Then what's all of this?"

"I just... I'm sorry Jack. I'm sorry I ruined it for us. I am just so lost, I wanted to see, to check for myself if I... if I..." I manager to say between my sobbing and hiccups.

"Shh, it's okay. You didn't ruin anything, babe. It's alright. You don't need to explain." He runs a hand up and down my bare back trying to soothe me because he has been around long enough to know it works for me.

But whatever he does, right now he can't stop me from shaking in his arms, because the slightest hope I had in my mind is now gone, certainty settled in its place: I have someone in my heart and mind, and it's definitely not Jack.

I need to stop torturing us both before I ruin our friendship and trust too, and then I need to make the devil fall in love with me.

Although I remember perfectly well how I failed to do it the first time.

***

Author's Note
Hey you lovelies! Hope you're doing well and enjoying your holiday season! It's 5AM here and I couldn't go to sleep without updating Trouble, so if there are any typos please kindly ignore them. I'll be reviewing the whole story once we get to my favorite parts (spoiler alert it's full of spice and it's coming sooner than you expect it). So are you a fan of smut? Should I include more of it or should I just make it vogue? I'm currently trying to decide.

Anyway, these past month I was a little all over the place, and finding out that my Chandler has died was even more depressing. You guys might already know how huge of a Friends fan me and Mia are, and Chandler Bing is my absolute safe space and comfort character. I mean I even included him in my Wattpad bio and in Trouble as well. I don't think I will ever be okay with accepting that Matthew is gone. He was the best Chandler Bing we could ask for...

I have a chapter coming up soon that has a lot of Friends talk, and I'm so sad I can't post it now, because we're not still there. That chapter will go out to all the Friends fans that are reading this story, and I will make sure you know which chapter it is.

We lost Matthew, guys, but we'll forever have Chandler.

RIP Matthew Perry, watching Friends now will always feel heartbreaking.